Illuminate the Darkness
I was not a child. I didn't know the ninety-six different ways you could kill a man with a pin. And more importantly, I did not live in a supposedly fictional world as a supposedly fictional antagonist . . . until now. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, my only comfort was the fact that I was somehow still physically a girl. But really, why Illumi of all people? SI!fem!Illumi
CHAPTER I: "WELP, YOU'RE NOW AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON, CONGRATS"
Even now, I could remember how that day was marked with white fluffy clouds and our energetic voices.
"Hey! No fair! You can't just roll over and die! That's what you told me, right? That since I'm the main character, I can't go and die that easily?" My friend exclaimed loudly as we walked leisurely under the shade of the trees. "So, how about you? Would you be willing to do anything to survive?"
Since I was the one who had brought up the topic, I seriously pondered the question. Would I? Could I even survive? I was so clumsy and basically incapable of taking care of myself. Compared to my friends, I had absolutely no street smarts, and my parents were still hesitating about letting me go off to college. But . . . wasn't that just because of my current lifestyle? Thrust me into a different world, with different rules, and what would I do to survive?
. . .
"Hmm, I―"
"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change."
― Charles Darwin
.
.
.
It was dark. And that was an understatement. Black, creeping shadows swirled at the very corners of my eyes as I strained them to see something. To see anything.
. . . Come to think of it, where was I? Why was I here? Where even was here? My surprise quickly faded away to panic, and I began turning my head frantically in this mass of black to try and find some clues that would help me figure out where I was. But despite my best efforts, my eyes were not able to pick out anything from the heavy darkness.
I clenched my shaking hands into fists as I took a deep breath in an attempt to steady my nerves. Was I just stuck here, in this never-ending black hole? Cold terror gripped my heart again when that thought so casually flitted through my mind. Stuck here for eternity? But no, I was sure I was just lost. I could go back home soon enough.
But . . . home . . . I couldn't remember . . . where was home?
"Big sister?"
Something extremely bright flared up in front of me as the light itself seemed to engrave itself into my retina. Yelping, I shielded my abused eyes and squinted at the sudden path of radiance that seemed to beckon me forward. It . . . It was nothing I had ever seen before.
Whoa, was I dreaming this?
"Big sister Illumi. Wake up."
Because, uhh. If this was reality . . . I wasn't dead right now, was I? This wasn't the cliché staircase to heaven scene, now, was it? Because that would be really, really awful, even if I would be able to confirm things like the afterlife and use it in my next fanfic. I was way too young to die, plus I still haven't even finished my favourite manga yet! The stupid series was still on hiatus!
"Illumi."
The path of light shone brighter, its calling stronger, and I fidgeted, gnawing on my lower lip as I stewed in my conflicting thoughts. I was generally a very careful person, and not having all the facts laid out on the table made me feel quite wary. But to be honest, I wanted to go to and through the path of light. I didn't want to stay where I was, in the scary, murky darkness. I wanted to go.
"Wake."
It all boiled down to that, didn't it? I wanted to go. I wanted to leave. Taking in a deep breath, I straightened my back, mind finally made up.
"Up!"
And thus, I took my first step forward and―
―I convulsed, salty water gushing out of my mouth as I painstakingly turned my heavy and unresponsive body to the side. Heaving up bile and what I presumed to be my last meal, a disgusting but familiar sour taste filled my mouth as my eyes watered uncontrollably. Beside me, someone hastily held back my long hair away from the mess even as they made a small sound of disgust.
A few long minutes passed in this fashion, with me trying to hack out my poor lungs while the person holding back my hair waited patiently for me to finish. When I finally felt as if the choking pressure in my lungs was mostly gone and I was again capable of breathing once more, I slowly pushed myself into a sitting position and looked up.
And then I almost did a double-take. Blinking twice from the surprise, I ignored the way the world swayed even as I sat still and focused onto the person with me. A small child sat beside me gingerly, blank black eyes fixedly watching my every move and thin limbs as delicate as a doll's. Short black hair framed his still-chubby face and although I wasn't the absolute best at guessing ages, even I could tell that this child was no more than five years old.
The boy opened his mouth hesitantly. "Big sister Illumi? Are you okay?"
I blinked again tiredly as my brain tried and failed to compute his words. Big sister? Sister? What the heck was he talking about? Or maybe the child was mistaking me for someone else? After all, I didn't really remember having any siblings . . . but maybe I did? I felt completely out of it, and any memories I tried to recall flitted away like an elusive butterfly.
". . . Excuse me?" I asked when it seemed like the child grew more agitated at my silence . . . before freezing in complete confusion and growing horror. My voice . . .
No, I shouldn't say that because it was a bit misleading. After all, it wasn't my voice that had came out of my mouth when I had just spoke!
Completely forgetting about the poor child, I mentally braced myself before looking down at my own body . . . And yup, oh wow, it was just as shocking as I had imagined.
Instead of the young adult I knew I was ―my mind was currently a bit frazzled but shouldn't I be thirteen? . . . Or was I twenty? Or . . . or . . . I couldn't remember― I found myself looking at the body of a small child. Certainly not as delicate or tiny as the boy sitting beside me, but at most my current body was around ten, if not younger. Pale, pale skin and sinewy limbs, my more mature body from before was definitely now a thing of the past.
"―Big sister? Big sister? Are you alright?―"
Frowning as the increasingly panicked inquiries broke my train of thought, I mentally drop-kicked my current body-switch concerns to the back of my mind. Fishing for some answers to this . . . bizarre situation was definitely better than the mindlessly panicking I was prone to doing.
". . . Who are you?" I asked cautiously as I turned back to my companion. The small child didn't seem like he could hurt me, or even a small fly, but looks were always quite deceiving. One person could not judge a book by its cover. Now that was something I definitely learned from anime.
The boy froze abruptly, mouth still open as he stopped mid-sentence. Pinning me with eyes that were much less blank and much more frazzled than compared to before, he placed his ―shaking― hands onto his lap.
"Milluki Zoldyck. Big sister, what―"
. . . I was already not listening to him. Because. Milluki. Zoldyck.
Oh my gosh. Oh . . . Oh my gosh. Panic leapt into my throat and all of a sudden, I had the urge to vomit once more. Was the universe playing a joke on me?
Because I would be a complete and utter fool if I didn't piece things together just like that. After all, just how many years of my life did I spend dedicated to that one series? How many fanfics about it did I read and write? How many daydreams did I have?
My surrounding swirled around again dizzily and I closed my eyes in annoyance as I tried to calm down and think.
Milluki. Second eldest of the Zoldyck family. Supposedly much chubbier and meaner than his current toddler self. Milluki Zoldyck. A fictional character in one of my favourite mangas, who was sitting right in front of me―
. . .
Wait. Back up, baaaack up. Did Milluki just―
"W-What did you call me?" I asked a bit breathlessly, mind already whirling rapidly in new-found terror as I tried revisiting my previous memories. No. No. It couldn't be.
Milluki looked startled as he broke off his rambling and stared at me. "Big sister?"
Pfft, and didn't that open a whole new can of worms? If I wasn't mistaken ―and with how religiously I stalked the series' wiki-pages, I definitely was not mistaken― Milluki didn't have an older sister. But maybe he addresses other relatives like that?
". . . No," I said before clarifying. "What is my name?"
Okay, probably not the smartest thing to say to someone, especially when you're supposed to be sane and not amnesic. Now Milluki was definitely looking visibly upset as he subtly wrung his hands. "Illumi Zoldyck, big sister. You should lie down, the poison―"
. . .
The rest of his words faded out to a soft buzzing sound. I stared blankly at my supposed new brother, feeling my throat close up as my panic levels suddenly jumped through the rood.
All of my fears had finally been confirmed.
A hysterical half-sob, half-giggle broke out of my mouth as I clutched my stomach. Frustrated tears sprung in my eyes as I felt my body burn up, a fire dancing painfully through my veins. Thus, I wasn't surprised when the world finally tilted on its axis as a startled gasp and tiny hands began to reach for me.
Illumi.
Of all the people, of all the possible characters, it just had to be Illumi.
Like I said before, I have read so many fanfics, and so I have definitely read many self-inserts too. I knew what this was heading towards. I knew what Milluki's words meant. What my shrunken body, what my different voice all pointed to.
Darkness blissfully darkened my vision again as I slumped to the ground gasping. Ignoring the frantic cries that again filled my ears, I closed my eyes.
Hopefully, I would wake up and open my eyes again. And this time, not as the antagonist my good friend once despised.
AN: I wonder if anyone from this fandom still remembers me? Anyway, I present to you this new story, a self-insert Illumi fic. Me and my friend Yuki-Candy-Heart (who is also my idea beta) were talking about how weird it would be to read a SI Illumi fic...which evolved into me writing one. Haha. I decided to do a fem!Illumi SI because I already have one different fanfic exploring the topic of gender dysophia, and really, one is more than enough. I also hope Milluki isn't too out of character, but please remember, he is four and his sister is going crazy after she was injured. He's allowed to be a bit afraid. But I hope you enjoy, and please remember to leave a review with your thoughts! It's been a while since I've written in this fandom. :)