Cinderella was fed up.
There were a great many reasons for this fact. For one thing, the Friendly Mice around her kept bursting into song, and the fact that they were tone-deaf and had annoyingly high-pitched voices, which had long ago caused her eardrums to commit suicide, didn't help either. For another, her Tattered Rags were very itchy and uncomfortable. As well as that, her throat hurt from a mixture of too many forced Elegant Sobs and inhaling too much soot. And to top it all off, her damn Fairy Godmother was late.
Cinders looked at her watch (no wait, watches wouldn't have been invented then… how about a sundial?) sorry, her sundial and let out an Elegant Sigh. Her Wicked Stepmother and Ugly Stepsisters had left for the Grand Ball over an hour ago. Her Fairy Godmother should have been here by now.
Tapping long fingernails, somehow unaffected by her years of hard labour, Cinderella reminisced over her past in that way that characters tend to do so that the author gets the chance to explain it without having to go into too much detail.
Her Loving Mother died when she was only a baby, and her Loving Father had remarried. Of course, this woman turned out to be a Wicked Stepmother and her daughters Ugly Stepsisters. Cinders's Loving Father died a couple of years later, as fairytale parents have a habit of doing. This of course left poor Cinderella at the mercy of her Wicked Stepmother who locked her in a tower (wait… sorry wrong fairytale)… Who made her a servant and forced her to work for the rest of the family.
Cinders was just remembering this when suddenly, with a Puff Of Pink Smoke her Fairy Godmother appeared.
"Hello Cinderella do not be afraid, for I am your Fairy Godmother," the fairy said in a bored, monotonous tone.
"What?" said Cinders. As has been mentioned, years of listening to high-pitched rodents had caused her hearing to deteriorate.
"I'm your Fairy Godmother," the fairy repeated, rolling her eyes, "Now, whaddaya need?"
Cinders could not help but feel sorry for the woman. The fairy was clearly sick of her job, as it looked like she had been doing it for centuries. No longer a shimmering blonde figure in white, the woman looked about fifty, with short, wiry grey hair, and the sparkly pink dress which she was crammed into looked about two sizes too small, so her flesh bulged out at every opportunity.
But, being a Fairytale Princess, Cinders didn't have time to spend contemplating other people's misfortunes, despite several claims that she was loving, caring and kind.
"Umm, lemme see," Cinders said, flicking through a list, "I need a coach, six horses, two footmen, a coachman, a new dress and a pair of glass slippers."
"Why can't anyone use public transport these days?" her Fairy Godmother muttered under her breath. "And what on earth is wrong with the high street? Okay, got any pumpkins?"
"Umm…" Cinders was pretty sure that the last time there was a pumpkin in the house was at Halloween, and it was now the middle of July, but on closer inspection, lo and behold! In the corner of the room there was indeed a Conveniently Placed Pumpkin!
Cinders grabbed this and put it outside. Her Fairy Godmother followed her and gave it a whack with her wand. The wand sputtered a bit, and produced a few sparks, but no magic.
"Damn budget cuts," the fairy muttered, hitting the sparkly stick a couple of times.
"Oh, I know," Cinderella agreed, "The mice used to be friendly, and able to hold a note, but ever since the Bridges For Trolls initiative took off they've had to take a lot of money out of the Singing Animals budget. I've almost gone deaf from listening to them!"
"Yeah, and I haven't had a new dress since I helped that girl with hypersomnia," her Fairy Godmother complained.
Just then, the wand spluttered into life, giving off a very audible humming noise. The fairy tapped the pumpkin, and it turned into a coach. "There," she said, "Now, you wouldn't happen to have any mice around, would you?"
"Lice?" Cinderella said, shocked, "I do NOT have lice! How dare you even suggest such a thing!"
"Not lice, you moron, mice," the fairy repeated, rolling her eyes.
"Oh, mice…" Cinders said. Her eyes fell on the annoying singing rodents, and she picked one up by the tail. "Will this do?"
"Don't be stupid, you can't use Friendly Mice as horses! You need some non-singing, normal mice."
Cinders sighed, as any hope of getting ride of the annoying animals disappeared before her eyes. Looking around for a replacement, her eyes fell on a Conveniently Placed Mouse Trap which just happened to hold six mice and a rat. When they were released, her Fairy Godmother tapped them in turn, and soon one slightly overweight coachman, five beautiful white horses and a greyish-brown mule stood before them.
"What's the mule doing there?" Cinders asked.
"You can't have it all," the fairy replied, "Now, are there any lizards around here?"
"Sorry, Dumbledore left yesterday, and we haven't seen Merlin for a while," Cinders replied.
Her Fairy Godmother sighed in exasperation. "Lizards, not wizards," she repeated.
"Oh, well, I'm sure there are some around here," Cinders said, just as two Convenient Lizards ran across the ground. The fairy tapped them and they turned into two lanky footmen. After blinking a bit and licking their lips, they took their positions at the back of the coach.
"Right, now all that remains is your dress and the slippers," the fairy said. After a couple of whacks from her wand (which had just broken again), Cinderella's rags turned into a beautiful, sparkly white ball gown, and two delicate glass slippers appeared on her feet.
"Can't… breath…" Cinders choked.
"Whoops, made the corset a size four instead of a six," her godmother said, but with a quick tap of the wand that was fixed. "Now, off you go!"
Cinders didn't move.
"Come on, the magic only lasts until midnight," Her Fairy Godmother coaxed.
"But… how am I supposed to walk in these shoes. They're made of glass for Pete's sake!" Cinderella wailed.
"Oh, don't worry, the Plot Hole will take care of that," the fairy said dismissively, "But, and I repeat, the magic doesn't last forever, so be back here by midnight."
"No, no, it's not too tight," Cinders said, as she tentatively climbed into the coach. Immediately, the coachman whipped the horses and they set off into the night. "Thank you!" she called out of the window, as a fairytale princess always says please and thank-you… well, when they remember, anyway.
Her Fairy Godmother watched as the coach disappeared, and sighed.
"Why do people always assume I do this for free?" she muttered, and disappeared in a Puff Of Pink Smoke, to contact her lawyers.
A ridiculously short time later, Cinderella reached the Grand Castle. Unfortunately, her dress proved to be so expansive that it took both footmen, the coachman, and two castle guards to haul her from the miniscule carriage compartment. Of course, once that was done she brushed off her dress and prepared to make a Dramatic Entrance into the ball.
When she walked in, the music stopped, and everyone turned to look at her (because, of course, she was a Fairytale Princess). The prince, who had been chatting to Ugly Stepsister Number One turned to look a few seconds after everyone else (because, of course, he was a Fairytale Prince) and was immediately smitten by her beauty. Or at least he thought he was, as unfortunately too many years of looking at seas of sparkly ball gowns and jewels at close proximity had had the same effect on his eyesight as the singing rodents had had on Cinderella's hearing.
They approached each other and started to dance to a song which had very conveniently started to play just at that moment, whilst Cinders's Ugly Stepsisters and Wicked Stepmother looked on jealously.
After a while, they decided to take a stroll in the garden, as all fairytale couples do. They talked for a while of how beautiful Cinderella looked in the moonlight, how tall and handsome the prince was, how they both had magnificent bone structures, and of how wonderful it felt to be falling in love, but eventually the conversation turned, as all conversations have a tendency of doing, to politics.
"So, what's your view on the Houses for Pigs Policy?" the prince asked.
"Why would figs want trousers?" Cinders asked, "Can you speak up? Years of being tortured by singing mice mean I've gone almost deaf, and the Council of Princesses won't let me wear my hearing aid, as they say it is 'unladylike'."
"Oh, I know how you feel," the prince agreed, "I desperately need glasses, but the Council of Princes won't hear of it. They say that only the nerdy sidekicks are allowed to wear glasses," he sighed.
Cinderella patted his arm comfortingly. Just then, a bell began to toll somewhere, and on closer inspection Cinderella saw that there was a Conveniently Placed Clock Tower within sight. "Whoops, gotta go," she said, and started to run away.
"Wait!" the prince shouted, and started to run after her. Despite the fact that she was wearing shoes that she had enough trouble walking in, never mind running, and the fact that the prince was much faster a runner than she was, Cinderella still managed to get away.
"Ahh," she said, sitting in her carriage, "Now all I have to do is wait for him to find my shoe, come looking for me and…"
Her sentence trailed off as she looked down at her feet, and realised that both shoes were still there. She had made the worst possible mistake - forgetting to leave a shoe behind.
As the carriage trundled away, Cinders let out a word that no Fairytale Princess should ever be heard screaming.
The Prince was in one dilly of a pickle.
For one thing, despite sending out a troop of fifty men to search, he had been unable to find the woman who had stolen his heart only a few hours ago. For another, the idiotic girl had forgotten to leave behind the customary Conveniently Lost Shoe. And for another, due to his eyesight problem, he was unable to recognise her even if he did see her.
All in all, not the best possible scenario.
The Prince paced in that way that princes do, trying to think of a solution. Then, suddenly, a light bulb appeared above his head! (Wait, light bulbs probably weren't invented… a candle, then)… a candle appeared above his head!
"Summon the Emergency Princess Finding Squad!" he shouted to no one in particular, "I know just what to do!"
The Prince travelled all over the land, asking every girl the same question, but alas, none of them gave the right answer. The Prince began to despair, as there was only one house left in the entire kingdom (coincidence, much?).
When he went into the house, the Wicked Stepmother and the Ugly Stepsisters were lined up to greet him. He asked them each the same question that he had asked everyone else.
"Umm… what?" was Ugly Stepsister Number One's answer.
"Well, it would most likely benefit that particular animal's health and wellbeing, but it would be a devastating blow to the wolf population, which I feel we shouldn't be taking, as their numbers have been decreasing dramatically ever since Little Red started her Granny Protection Agency. You have no idea how many of the beasts thought they could get past her. On the plus side, fur coats have become much more widely available thanks to that agency and it's effects," was the answer Ugly Stepsister Number Two gave.
These answers, although surprising, were not right.
"And there's no one else in the house?" the Prince asked the Wicked Stepmother.
"Of course not," the Wicked Stepmother said.
At that moment, Cinderella just happened to walk into the room. "Hello," she said.
Before he could be stopped, the Prince ran up to her and said:
"What's your view on the Houses for Pigs Policy?"
"Trousers for Figs?" Cinders said quizzically.
"MY PRINCESS!" the prince yelled ecstatically.
"MY PRINCE!" Cinderella squealed happily.
They then embraced each other, and there was much happiness, hugging, and kissing with tongues (although the storybooks conveniently left this part out).
And so, after settling things out with the Fairy Godmother's lawyers and paying her the money she was owed, they were able to be married. The Prince joined the Council of Princes and passed a law allowing all royalty to wear spectacles or any other aid needed to counter disabilities, and Cinders managed to collect enough signatures for a petition so that this privilege was extended to princesses also.
And they all lived happily ever after.