post On My Way: Blaine helps out Sebastian, and then maybe falls in love with this new and improved version of him. There is a tiny, tiny bit of infidelity in that Blaine dreams about Sebastian and kisses him briefly once while he's still with Kurt. There are also some mentions of past suicide attempts, which might be triggering for some, but it's really quite tame, tbh. It's a little bit angsty, but I promise there's a happy ending.
you spark my attention like a firefly / and make me happy to be alive
jimmy needham, firefly
Blaine finds Sebastian sitting on the steps leading up to McKinley, hands clasped in front of him and shivering a little in his blazer. He looks small as he sits there, shoulders drawn up and head down, a couple of hairs that have come loose from his carefully styled hairdo blowing softly in the wind. Something in Blaine's stomach clenches oddly, and he hesitates in the doorway for a moment.
His phone vibrates in his pocket; it's a text from Kurt that says, Where are you? Finchel wedding bus leaves in 10
Blaine should turn around and leave. He should find Kurt and the others, he should forget all about Sebastian Smythe's heartbreakingly lonely form alone in the cold. He sighs, types back be there soon!, slips his phone back into his pocket and walks up behind Sebastian.
When he gets close, he can hear the tinny strands of music; it's coming from earbuds he hadn't noticed in Sebastian's ears. It sounds loud and electric, but it's too indistinct to make out. Blaine sits down next to Sebastian and waits for Sebastian to turn to look at him before he pulls out one bud and smiles. "Hey."
Sebastian's answering smile is slow and lacks... well, pretty much everything that used to be in his smiles: the smarm, the insincerity, and even the charm. It looks cold, (and Blaine doesn't mean that in the aloof and cruel way—more like, lonely, alone, cold), like the rest of him. He huffs out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. "Hi."
"What are you listening to?" Blaine asks, and puts the earbud into his own ear. There are drums, electric guitar, a British singer, and a vaguely indie-style sound. It's unfamiliar, not exactly what Blaine usually listens to, but it's definitely not bad.
"The Zutons," Sebastian replies. He sounds tired. "We collected a lot of money for the Born This Way foundation," he says, and it sounds like he thinks that's why Blaine's there, that the money is all Blaine wants. "Nick has the money, if you want to..." He trails off and shrugs, and gives Blaine a look that Blaine can't read. "I really am sorry," he says, so soft that Blaine almost doesn't hear it over the music in his ear.
Blaine pulls the earbud out, hesitates a little, and then reaches around to Sebastian's other side and pulls his earbud out, too. "I know you are," he says, smiling a little. "I forgive you."
Sebastian blinks at him, slow and tired, like the effort of opening his eyes again is too much. Something cold settles in Blaine's stomach, some warning feeling that's been nagging him a little since he first spotted Sebastian out here in the parking lot on his own. Sebastian looks at his feet, shoulders shaking with cold, or silent laughter, or maybe silent cries. "You shouldn't," he says. "I'm not a good person, Blaine." He says it so matter-of-factly, like that's just the way it is, like there are no shades of gray. "I'm a dick. I helped make a guy try to kill himself. I almost blinded you. I had every intention of ruining Finn Hudson's life. I'm a horrible person."
"No, you're—" Blaine frowns. "Sebastian. You're not a horrible person."
Sebastian laughs, then, and the sound is the saddest thing Blaine has ever heard. "You shouldn't be comforting me," Sebastian tells him. "I don't deserve it. After all the shit I've given you and your friends? I don't deserve anything from you."
"Sebastian—"
Sebastian gets to his feet and looks down at Blaine. He's backlit by the sun and his face is shadowed. It doesn't hide the downward twist of his mouth, or the strange glint in his eyes. "Please don't, Blaine," he says. "You being nice to me only makes me feel worse for being such a dick to you."
Blaine gets up too, stands in front of Sebastian. "I forgive you," he repeats firmly.
"Blaine." Sebastian's voice is even, but pitched a little higher than normal.
The entrance doors behind Blaine open, and Kurt's voice says, "Blaine? We're leaving now," and Blaine glances at him over his shoulder. Kurt has changed into his wedding suit already, and he gives Sebastian a brief nod. "Hi, Sebastian," he says politely, and Blaine feels fondness curl in his stomach at how awesome a person Kurt really is, especially when he adds, "Is everything okay?" and sounds genuinely concerned.
"I'm fine," Sebastian says, and the smile on his face looks real enough. Blaine doesn't think it is. "I should go. Let you get on with things."
Blaine wants to stop him, but Kurt is still waiting, and Sebastian is already walking away, not looking back. Blaine goes to Kurt.
Blaine dreams of Sebastian that night.
If he's perfectly honest, it's not the first time he's ever dreamed of Sebastian. (He's had more than one less-than-innocent dream about him, because Sebastian is tall and good-looking, with bright green eyes and long fingers, and a smile that makes the angels sing. He's really hot, is the thing, and it's not like Blaine can control his dreams). It is the first time he ever dreams of Sebastian crying, though.
In his dream, they're in the middle of nowhere. Everything around them is blurry and gray, indistinct, and Sebastian is standing in the middle of it all, crying. Blaine tries to touch him, maybe put a comforting hand on his shoulder, but his hand slides off Sebastian's skin like something's repelling it. Blaine tries to speak, but his voice is gone. Sebastian's face is twisted, tears streaming down his cheeks, and the sound of his crying echoes in the nothingness surrounding them.
Blaine walks around with a heavy heart all day, thumb skipping down to Sebastian's name on his phone more than once. He's not sure what he'd even say if he called, if Sebastian even wants him to anymore. Kurt is making plans with Karofsky, and Blaine thinks maybe it should make him angrier than it does, but all he really feels is a vague sense of foreboding.
Maybe that's a sign. Blaine doesn't think about it; he's too busy compiling a mental list of pros and cons for calling Sebastian.
In the end, Sebastian calls him. It's almost a month after Regionals, and Kurt's been splitting his time between Blaine and Karofsky almost equally, (but never interfering with his time with Rachel. That's okay; Blaine appreciates Rachel taking the brunt of Kurt's drama queen ways), but Blaine isn't that bothered. He misses Kurt a little, but he's been spending more time in his own head than anywhere else, and Kurt not being around as much has meant a lot less questions asked.
Sebastian calls him on a Friday night, while he's walking to the restaurant where he's supposed to meet Kurt, Finn, and Rachel for their double date, and Blaine picks up with sweaty hands and a hammering heart. "Sebastian, hey."
"Are you busy right now?" Sebastian sounds shaky, breathless. Blaine almost doesn't recognize his voice at first. It makes him stop in the middle of the street, less than three meters from the restaurant. He can see Finn's car in the parking lot, imagines Kurt waiting for him inside, immaculately dressed and smiling with excitement.
"Not at all," he answers. "What's up?"
Sebastian heaves a shuddering breath, exhales with something that sounds almost like relief. "I don't think I should be alone right now," he admits, then, voice so quiet and small that Blaine almost can't hear it over the wind. "Could you—"
"Are you at Dalton?" Blaine interrupts. "I'll come see you."
"I'm not at Dalton, I'm home," Sebastian tells him, and then rattles off an address that Blaine memorizes instantly, (and then promptly decides not to think about why he does that). Sebastian says, "Just, uh. Thank you," and hangs up.
Blaine looks up at the restaurant, at the bright, warm lights, at Finn's car in the parking lot, and he sends Kurt a text: can't make it tonight, sorry. something came up before turning on his heel and heading for the nearest bus stop, googling directions on his phone. Kurt's reply of, Everything okay? goes unanswered; Blaine isn't sure Kurt wants to know.
Sebastian's house is as big and pompous as his attitude implied it would be. It makes Blaine feel small and insignificant just standing in front of it, but he rings the doorbell decisively. A woman in a maid's outfit opens the door almost immediately and gives Blaine a polite, bland smile. "Can I help you?"
"Uh, hi. I'm Blaine," Blaine greets, waving awkwardly. "I'm here to see Sebastian?"
The maid's smile changes into something sad. "Sebastian isn't feeling well, I'm afraid," she says. The way she says it, it doesn't sound like Sebastian just has a cold. It sends a chill down Blaine's smile. "I don't think he's up for visitors. I'm sorry."
She's about to close the door on him, but Blaine holds out a hand. "He asked me to come."
There's a moment where the maid just looks at him, and Blaine looks back, biting his lip and crossing his fingers behind his back. Then, finally, the maid steps aside, hesitantly. "His room is on the third floor," she says, pointing to the stairs. She grabs Blaine's arm when he tries to walk past her, and gives him a pointed look. "If you upset him, I'll have the cook kick you out. He does karate, you know."
"I'll keep that in mind," Blaine replies. She lets go of his arm, and he takes the stairs three steps at a time all the way to the third floor. It's not hard to tell which room is Sebastian's, mostly because the door is open and Blaine can see Sebastian sitting on his bed, playing with a red silk scarf that wouldn't look out of place in Kurt's wardrobe. Blaine raps on the open door gently, and smiles when Sebastian looks up. "Hey."
"Hey," Sebastian answers, laying the scarf next to him on the bed. He stands up and spreads his arms to indicate the room. "Welcome."
Blaine glances around the room briefly—it's huge, bigger than Kurt and Finn's living room, which is saying something, and there is surprisingly little furniture; a bed, a desk, and a closet are all there is, except for a ridiculous leather office chair parked in front of the freakishly organized desk. The rest of the room is bare, the floor isn't even carpeted, and it feels cold and impersonal. The only thing that really indicates that this is Sebastian's room is the framed photograph of the Warblers standing in the corner of the desk, and the little sign leaning against it saying WARBLER PRIDE in Jeff's neat handwriting.
Blaine looks back at Sebastian quickly, because Sebastian is wearing loose fit jeans, a tight fit blue sweater with gray-striped sleeves, and dark socks. It's not that Blaine didn't know that Sebastian has clothes that aren't the Dalton Academy uniform, (hell, he's even seen Sebastian wear some at Scandals), it's just that there's something weirdly striking about him in jeans, something vulnerable about his sock-clad feet.
Sebastian is watching him carefully, but Blaine doesn't understand the look on his face. He takes his coat off and hangs it over the back of the office chair. He picks up the picture of the Warblers and turns to Sebastian with a smile. "When did you take this?" he asks. In it, Nick has an arm wrapped around Sebastian's neck, and Sebastian is tucked against his side in something like a hug. Jeff is on Nick's other side, grinning, and Trent is on Sebastian's, lips pursed and eyes sparkling. Behind them, Thad looks like he's not sure he wants to be there.
"A couple of weeks before Regionals," Sebastian answers softly.
Blaine puts the picture back down and walks over to Sebastian. "So," he says, perching on the edge of Sebastian's bed. It's softer than Blaine's own. "Do you want to talk about what's wrong, or should we just hang out and do something else?"
He watches as Sebastian's mouth curls up at the corners, and how there's nothing happy about it at all. "I have a TV in the other room, we can play video games," he offers, and Blaine wants to keep pushing, he wants to know why Sebastian looks so lost, but Sebastian didn't ask for someone to talk to; he asked to not be alone, and Blaine doesn't know what to do except follow him into the room next to his, where there's a giant TV and a leather sofa set and a dizzying row of video games and DVDs lining the far wall.
They stay there, playing Modern Warfare 3, until Sebastian's dad stick his head in some hours later and asks if Blaine wants a ride home or a bed set up in Sebastian's room. Blaine looks to Sebastian to make the choice, and Sebastian says, "You should take the ride. I'm tired anyway," and smiles a smile that's still small, but less sad. Blaine gives him a hug when he leaves, (Sebastian smells like something sharp and rich), and sits in the passenger seat of Mr. Smythe's big SUV in silence all the way home.
Kurt asks where he went, and Blaine answers that a friend of his needed him. Kurt nods like he understands and says, "We'll reschedule," and pats Blaine's bicep. Blaine's heart is in his throat, for no good reason. He wonders if Kurt would be so understanding if he knew the friend in question was Sebastian.
The next time Blaine sees Sebastian is a few weeks later when he goes to Dalton to invite the Warblers to come see Nationals. He still feels a little bit like a Warbler, when it comes down to it, still misses being a Warbler, misses doing kick-ass harmonies and synchronized dancing. He loves McKinley and the New Directions, but there's something special about being a Warbler, something he thinks everyone should try at least once.
He walks in on another practice, (because even though they're not going to Nationals, the Warblers never stop rehearsing), and Jeff is singing lead on a song that Blaine doesn't recognize. Sebastian is in the front row, shoulder to shoulder with Nick, and they both smile when they see Blaine in the doorway.
Sebastian hangs back when the rest of the Warblers rush forward to greet Blaine, and he hangs back when they enthusiastically accept Blaine's invitation to Nationals. Blaine starts stalling, then, glancing at Sebastian and only participating in the conversation half-heartedly, until the Warblers catch on and run off to the cafeteria, singing at the top of their lungs as they go. Blaine notices Nick throw a concerned look over his shoulder, but he's not sure who he's concerned for.
Sebastian sits on the arm of a chair and looks up at Blaine. "I don't think I ever thanked you for dropping everything just to play stupid video games with me," he says, and there's a smile on his face that looks a lot less like it's about to break into a million little pieces than the last few smiles Blaine's seen him muster up. It makes something warm settle in Blaine' stomach.
"It's fine," he says, shrugging. "I wasn't doing anything."
Sebastian gives him a look, and snorts. "You were wearing a pressed shirt and cologne," he points out. Blaine grins sheepishly, stares at his feet. He can hear Sebastian shifting a little. "So, just. Thank you. You're a nice guy, and Kurt is very lucky to have you."
It's a capitulation, an admission of defeat. It's not like Blaine really thought Sebastian was still interested in him, definitely not like he thought Sebastian was still chasing after him, not after the whole slushie debacle, but this is the first time it's been said out loud, the first time Sebastian has acknowledged Kurt's presence in Blaine's life. For some reason, it doesn't make Blaine as happy as it should. "I'm the lucky one," he replies. His throat feels tight.
Sebastian's smile is sad again. "Yeah," he says, softly. "You are lucky."
Blaine puts a hand on Sebastian's shoulder, on top of the crisp uniform. "You're okay, right?"
"I'm swell," Sebastian answers, but the smile on his face doesn't reach his eyes. "Don't worry about me."
Blaine wonders how you can tell if someone's depressed. He wonders how you can tell if someone's going to hurt themselves. He thinks of I don't think I should be alone right now, and of Mr. Schue telling them that suicide is the most contagious disease of all. He squeezes Sebastian's shoulder tighter and asks, "Coffee on me?"
This time, Sebastian's smile looks more genuine. "On me. I owe you one."
It becomes a thing, then. Blaine starts texting Sebastian when he's bored, because Sebastian's texts are always amusing. They're always a little bitchy, always a little flirtatious, always hilarious, like even if some part of Sebastian is obviously very much not okay, his texts always stay the same. They're less aggressive than before, less mean, but still so very much Sebastian that it makes Blaine grin despite himself.
And it doesn't stop there. It doesn't take long before he's almost constantly texting Sebastian, before the first thing he thinks when something amusing or interesting happens to him is, huh, I wonder what Sebastian would think of this, and he sends a text along. (Sebastian's reply never disappoints). From there, it becomes phone calls when they can't sleep, three a.m. conversations about everything and nothing in particular, about music and movies and people they know.
It becomes Sebastian's voice, slow and intimate over the phone as Blaine cradles it close under the covers, something almost like anticipation curling in his stomach, while they talk about their hopes and dreams. It becomes Sebastian's laugh, low and amused as Blaine tells him stories of Rachel's dramatics, of Santana's newest bitchy comment, of Brittany's one-liners.
It becomes Sebastian, telling him about a childhood of being terrorized by his peers, about feeling like the world was a wretched place, about feeling like nothing was worth anything anymore and least of all himself. About trying to kill himself twice before he turned thirteen, about wanting to die so bad it was all he thought about, about the scars on his arms that still make him sick when he looks at them. About deciding that he was never going to be threatened again, about deciding to become the coldest, fiercest bitch of them all and never letting up, about letting nothing touch him anymore. About how it all came tumbling down when he helped make someone else feel as bad about themselves as he once did.
Sebastian tells this story one night over the phone, voice small and lost, and when he finishes, Blaine asks, "And now?"
"It's looking up," Sebastian answers, and it feels like he's talking about more than the depression. Something in the air feels coiled, electric, and Blaine is almost scared to breathe.
In the end, he says, "That's good," and thinks every single one of his emotions shows in his voice, but Sebastian doesn't mention it. He just laughs, that soft exhale of breath that Blaine is so familiar with by now, and Blaine can't pretend it doesn't make his stomach swoop.
The next time Blaine sees Sebastian is at Nationals. He gets a text from Sebastian a couple of hours before the show starts, while he's backstage helping Kurt talk Rachel down from a nervous breakdown, and he doesn't check it until after Rachel's done threatening to throw herself off the building to get Finn to love her again, (it's a really long story). But Finn and Rachel make up, promise not to start kissing on stage again this year, and then start doing vocal exercises together because that's like flirting for them.
Blaine checks his phone then, and the text from Sebastian says, we're here. Come find us big boy ;), and suddenly Blaine's nervous. Suddenly his heart is in his throat, his neck is sweating, and his hands are shaking. He clears his throat. "Um, the Warblers are here, so I'm going to go find them and say hi," he tells Kurt, and doesn't wait for an answer before he runs off.
The theater is crowded, but he finds the Warblers easily enough. They're taking their seats in the third row, laughing and singing and dancing as they go. Blaine jogs down the steps to them; Trent spots him first and points him out to the others, and then it gets really rowdy, with fourteen teenage boys cheering and catcalling and clapping each others' shoulders.
"Hey, guys," Blaine says, when it calms down a little. "I'm so glad you could make it."
"Dude, of course," Thad says, grinning. He's wearing a green t-shirt and a pair of white jeans. Blaine realizes he's never seen most of them out of their uniforms before, and it's kind of weird—Jeff is as stylish as Blaine always imagined, with a nice shirt and pants, while Nick's wearing a leather jacket on top of his jeans and t-shirt ensemble, and Trent's gone for a dark shirt with a glittery PEACE written on it. The only one Blaine has seen out of his uniform before is David, and he's wearing the same sweater vest, jeans, designer sneakers combination as always.
He can't see Sebastian.
It must show on his face that he's looking for him, because Nick and David exchange looks, and then the sea of Warblers parts to let Sebastian through. Blaine's mouth goes dry. Sebastian's wearing black skinny jeans, a white v-neck t-shirt with a black vest, and he looks kind of stunning. Blaine laughs, and he thinks it sounds choked. "Wow. You went all out, huh?"
Sebastian laughs, and it's the same sound Blaine's so used to hearing on the phone, low and not much more than an amused huff of breath. "Yeah, I guess I kind of did," Sebastian admits, shrugging his shoulders. He doesn't ask if it's too much, because Sebastian's not that kind of guy. Blaine's glad; he's not sure no, you look amazing! would be an appropriate response. Sebastian hesitates a moment, and then says, "Hey, you want to go get a cup of coffee or something?"
Blaine feels himself smile helplessly, unable to stop it, and he nods. "Definitely."
The coffee at the theater isn't as good as the coffee at the Lima Bean, but Blaine barely notices. Sebastian is telling him a story, all waving hands and sparkling eyes and bright, happy laughter. Blaine is paying attention to the story, (because after so much time spent on the phone with Sebastian, listening to his voice is like second nature to Blaine by now), but he's also paying a lot of attention to the way Sebastian smiles at him over the rim of his paper cup.
That's how Kurt and Rachel find them, staring at each other over cups of coffee while Sebastian talks about Nick's failed attempts at subjugating French verbs. Kurt smiles, a little confused but not angry, and it makes Blaine feel guilty. Not for any explicable reason, because he's not doing anything wrong, but suddenly he feels itchy and uncomfortable, like he's betrayed Kurt's trust.
"Hey," says Kurt, slowly. "I didn't know you two were talking again."
Sebastian shoots Blaine a look, and you didn't tell him? is written all over his face, incredulous and something else, something that makes Blaine's stomach flutter. Sebastian turns to Kurt, and smiles at him. For the first time, there's nothing sarcastic about it. "I was just apologizing again. For his eye."
Something in Kurt's shoulders seems to relax at that, which makes Blaine feel even worse. "Oh," Kurt says, and takes a seat at the table. Rachel grabs a chair and drags it over. "Well, in that case, I never got a chance to thank you for dedicating your performance at Regionals to Dave. When I told him, he was really touched." Sebastian fidgets uncomfortably; one thing Blaine's learned is that he still has a hard time accepting that other people are grateful for something he did, that he still hates himself for what happened with Karofsky.
It makes Blaine want to reach out and touch Sebastian's hand where it's twitching restlessly against the tabletop, to bring him out of the place he goes in his head whenever things get too uncomfortable for him in the real world. He doesn't, though; he lets Kurt wrap a hand around his arm and takes a sip of his coffee.
Sebastian smiles at Kurt, finally. "I'm glad," he says, honestly. Then, "Is he okay?"
And then Kurt starts talking about Karofsky, because he's been spending a lot of time with him lately and Blaine hadn't even noticed. He'd been so wrapped up in Sebastian, in helping him, in their friendship, and he's completely failed to notice just how much time Kurt is actually been spending with Karofsky these days. It should make him furious, but instead it barely passes as an annoyance. At the other side of the table, Sebastian is watching Kurt with serious, warm eyes, and Blaine feels sick.
They place third at Nationals, and thus ensure themselves a spot in the upcoming Showcase and the battle for the National Championship. Blaine is standing between Kurt and Rachel when they read the announcement, and ends up stuck in the middle of their excited jump-hugging. They both smell sweet and girly and amazing, and Blaine isn't sure which is Kurt and which is Rachel.
Later, Sebastian and Jeff do pretty much the same thing, catching Blaine between them and hugging him congratulations enthusiastically. They both smell spicy and expensive and amazing, and Blaine is completely and absolutely sure which one is Sebastian.
It's the one that makes his stomach fall out and his heart beat faster.
He should probably think about that.
In the end, Blaine doesn't have a chance to think about anything. A few days after Nationals, he's walking Kurt to his afternoon math class and texting Sebastian a list of the many reasons why Sebastian shouldn't skip his French class just because he's fluent in the language and tired, (one: it's not exactly optional; two: his teacher will notice and probably report it, it being Dalton and all; three: Nick would probably be helpless without him; four: he gets to show off), when Kurt puts a hand on his arm and stops him right outside the classroom door. Blaine looks up at him, pauses in his typing, and looks at Kurt's serious face.
"So, you have a crush on Sebastian, huh?" Kurt's voice is soft and wistful, and something clenches awfully in Blaine's stomach.
"I don't have a crush on Sebastian," he protests.
Kurt smiles at him, but it's not a very happy smile. "Blaine, it's okay," he says, gently. "You still love me, right?"
"Of course I do," Blaine answers instantly, fervently. Kurt leans forward and kisses him on the mouth, briefly. Blaine's heart is hammering in his throat. He's clutching his cell phone tightly. He looks Kurt in the eye. "You know I love you."
Kurt nods, smile a little less sad now. "I do," he answers. "So. You have a silly crush on Sebastian Smythe, and that's okay. Just," here, Kurt hesitates a little, before plowing ahead, "don't let it become anything more than that. Okay?"
"I won't," Blaine promises.
Kurt kisses him again, takes his math books from Blaine's hands, and walks into his classroom. Blaine looks down at his phone, at the half-finished message to Sebastian that says go to your class and I'll make it worth and nothing more, cut off before he could add the final your while, that familiar pseudo-flirting he and Sebastian do all the time.
Blaine deletes it, stuffs his phone in his pocket and marches off to his history class, where he slides into the seat Sam's saved him and resolutely does not think about Sebastian at all. It's a lot harder than it should be.
He doesn't call Sebastian that night, but he dreams of him when he finally falls asleep.
In the dream, they're at McKinley, in the auditorium; Sebastian is sitting on the stage with his legs swung over the edge, wearing a deep green sweater that Blaine's never seen him wear in real life but looks amazing on him nonetheless. Blaine knows he's dreaming, knows it's not real, but when Sebastian looks up at him and smiles, bright and happy, it doesn't change the fact that the swooping sensation in his stomach feels real. Sebastian waves him over, and Blaine goes with it, sits down next to him and lets their elbows brush.
"So I hear you have a crush on me," Sebastian says, and before Blaine can answer, they're kissing. They're no longer sitting on the edge of the stage but standing in the middle of it, arms wrapped around each other, mouths pressed together hot and insistent. Sebastian whispers, "Come find me, big boy," and his lips brush Blaine's ear.
Blaine wakes up hard, and he doesn't even try to stop himself from jerking off to the dream memory of Sebastian's lips on his.
Afterwards, he feels so guilty he wants to shrivel up and die. He barely looks at Kurt all day, and he doesn't answer a single of Sebastian's texts. He's not sure what he feels worse about; dream-cheating on his boyfriend, or perving on his friend.
After a few days of not talking to Sebastian at all, determined to get over his crush and remind himself of all the reasons why Kurt is amazing and wonderful and his boyfriend whom he loves, Blaine comes home one afternoon to find Sebastian sitting on the steps leading up to his house. Blaine stops short; Sebastian is wearing a t-shirt the same color as the sweater he wore in his dream. It throws him off, but not as much as the glasses. The glasses, and, wow, Blaine didn't even know he had a kink for that until now.
Sebastian looks up at him. He looks sad, eyes rimmed red like he's been crying or like he hasn't been sleeping, and his hair is a mess. Blaine instantly feels like a douchebag, and it doesn't get better at all when Sebastian says, defeated, "Whatever I did, I'm sorry."
Blaine sits down next to him on the steps. He doesn't let their elbows touch. "You didn't do anything."
"Then why are you avoiding me?" Sebastian asks. He sounds more sad than angry, more dejected than accusing. Shame curls in Blaine's stomach, along with the completely unwelcome urge to just wrap his arms around Sebastian and hold on. "I thought I'd done something to make you hate me again, and I—" Sebastian doesn't finish the sentence, but he doesn't have to.
Blaine feels like shit. He swallows. "It's not you," he starts, lamely.
"It's you?" Sebastian finishes wryly. Blaine nods, and Sebastian makes a face. "You haven't done anything except be continually awesome to me even when I don't deserve it." He pauses, leans his head sideways and adds, lightly, "Is it because you're using up all of your awesome on me and your friends want it back?"
Blaine shoves him, gently. Sebastian laughs, that breathy little laugh that does funny things to Blaine's insides. "Shut up," Blaine says, and doesn't mean it at all. Some part of him thinks that he could spend the rest of forever simply listening to Sebastian talk, and it scares him a little.
"Yeah, yeah," Sebastian says, and winks. He's still smiling, with just a hint of teeth, green eyes sparkling behind the glasses, and Blaine surges forward, presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth before he knows what he's doing.
For a moment, all Blaine registers is the rushing in his ears, the sound of his heart thundering in his chest, and Sebastian's soft, soft mouth against his own.
Then Sebastian pulls back, and Blaine comes crashing back to reality. Sebastian's eyes are wide and his mouth is slightly open; it's the first time Blaine's ever seen Sebastian speechless before. He starts laughing a little hysterically. "Oh my god, Sebastian, just. Forget I even did that, I am so sorry, I didn't—" Sebastian is still just staring at him, wordlessly. Blaine blabbers on, "This is kind of why, I kind of—Kurt says it's a crush thing and I didn't want to make things awkward with you or with him, so I—"
Sebastian's mouth snaps shut. "You're still with Kurt?" he asks.
Blaine looks at his feet miserably. "Yeah, I. Sebastian, I am so sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen. Can we just forget about it?"
"Sure," Sebastian mumbles, and when Blaine looks at him, he isn't looking back. He's staring at something in the distance. "We'll forget about it. No problem." He glances at Blaine, and his expression is tight and unhappy. Blaine's chest contracts painfully.
It is a problem. Partly because Blaine can't forget about it, and partly because now Sebastian's the one avoiding Blaine. Blaine feels like such a jerk, he kind of wants to punch himself in the face, but he's not sure that's such a good idea. There would be questions and also, they're performing at Showcase soon and he has a solo. He can't look like he was in a fight.
Kurt must know something's wrong, but he doesn't say anything. Sometimes Blaine catches him and Rachel whispering together and looking in his direction, like they're discussing him, but they never say anything and he never asks. Kurt treats him so carefully, so sweetly, like he's afraid that he's losing him, and it makes Blaine feel like even more of an ass that he doesn't even properly appreciate it, too caught up in the actual memory of Sebastian's lips against his, the look on Sebastian's face when he asked you're still with Kurt?, that strange glint in Sebastian's eyes that he's never thought too much about before.
Sometimes he thinks maybe it means that Sebastian likes him, and it makes his chest flutter stupidly.
During all of this, Kurt continues to be the perfect gentleman, and Blaine clings as tight as he can to the fondness that still warms his body when he looks at Kurt, when Kurt does something nice to him or one of his friends, when Kurt proves again and again why he's an incredible person who deserves nothing but the very best.
Blaine's never had a boyfriend before, and he's never fallen out of love with anyone before, either. He's never had to break up with anyone before, and he doesn't even know if he can do that to Kurt, if he can function without Kurt's unwavering support and secret smiles. So he clings and he clings and he tries to ignore how much time he spends masturbating to the memory of that little hip thrust Sebastian did at Regionals, how much time he spends daydreaming about bright green eyes and a smile that makes his heart stutter and start again.
Everything comes to a head two days before Showcase.
Blaine, Kurt, and Rachel are at the Lima Bean, drinking coffee and discussing some last-minute additions to the choreography for their group number, when the door opens and the unmistakable sound of Warbler harmonizing filters in. (Most of the reason why Blaine misses being a Warbler, aside from the fact that he misses his friends, is the way that they're always singing, always dancing, no matter where they are or what they're doing). Blaine looks up, and there's only a handful of them, decked out in uniforms as always: Nick and Jeff at the front, Nick's arm wrapped around Jeff's neck in a friendly embrace, Trent and David behind them, and finally, Flint, in the back, with Sebastian on his back.
Sebastian has one hand raised in the air and he's leading the sing-along, laughing as Flint jostles him carefully. His eyes are crinkling at the corners, and he's using his other hand to cling tight to Flint's neck. Blaine feels irrationally agitated.
It's Jeff who spots them first, and he's shouting a greeting before Blaine has time to duck and pretend not to be there. Kurt and Rachel wave back, cheerfully enough, and Blaine can't be the one who doesn't, not when they're his friends, so he gestures for them to come over. Sebastian and Flint and their whatever isn't going to ruin it for him.
Sebastian won't even look at him. He doesn't make a move to get off Flint's back.
Blaine didn't even know Flint was gay.
It pisses him off. He knows exactly why that is, and that scares him.
So he does the only thing he can think of: he mumbles something about fresh air and storms outside.
Naturally, Kurt follows. But apparently someone up there is in a good mood today, because Rachel, Sebastian, and the rest of the Warblers say in there. Bitterly, Blaine thinks that obviously Sebastian isn't going to follow; why should he, when he has Flint now? Blaine's not interesting anymore. That much is clear.
Kurt wraps his arms around himself and stands two feet away from Blaine, head cocked to the side and something like heartbreak on his face. "So, I guess you still have that crush on Sebastian, huh?" he asks, and his voice is too strained for it to be really light-hearted, but Blaine appreciates the effort.
He runs a hand through his hair, feels his fingers come away greasy with gel. "Kurt," he whispers, a little desperate.
"No, Blaine, just." Kurt huddles in on himself, shoulders hunched up to his ears. "Just tell me it's just a crush, and we'll forget all about it."
And Blaine wants to. He really, really wants to. Wants to wrap his arms around Kurt and forget all about Sebastian fucking Smythe, and how horribly easy it is to fall for him now that he isn't an asshole anymore. He wants to remember what it feels like to be in love with Kurt, what it feels like to be one half of a whole, one half of something that made him so happy his heart was bursting with it.
But he can't. He can't, because all he can think of are green eyes and quiet laughter, Sebastian's stupid long fingers and ridiculously sexy body, the way his eyes light up when he talks about his friends, and how he's such a good person now that he lets himself be. All he can think of is how Sebastian's lips felt against his, how Sebastian's face looked when he pulled back. All he can think of is the way he feels when he's with Sebastian, the way his chest clenches and his stomach swoops and his palms sweat.
Kurt must see it on his face, because he starts crying. Not a lot, just a couple of silent tears down his cheeks. "Not just a crush, then," he surmises, and the smile on his face is wobbly and upset. Blaine feels helpless and cruel. "You know, I was so scared he was going to steal you away from me when I first met him," Kurt continues, and Blaine wishes he would stop talking, would stop making Blaine feel like such a dick. "But I didn't think it would happen after I actually started liking him. You know?"
"Kurt," Blaine starts, stops, starts again, "You have no idea how sorry I am."
"No, I do," Kurt sighs. "You're amazing, Blaine, and—I know you better than anyone." Here, he stops and makes a face at himself, and when he amends, "Except maybe Sebastian," his voice is choked and unsteady. "I know you didn't set out to fall in love with him, but it happens."
Blaine's stomach does something weird at in love with him, and he almost wants to protest, wants to say that it isn't like that, not yet, but he's not even sure anymore, and Kurt can't use his half-hearted platitudes for anything anyway. Instead he says, "I'm sorry," again, and Kurt waves him off.
"You should go get your man," he replies, and sounds completely miserable. "He's quite a catch these days, with his new attitude. You should hurry up before someone else gets there first." He looks at Blaine, and there's this fiercely determined glint in his eyes. "I want you to be happy, Blaine. Even if it's with Sebastian Smythe instead of me."
Blaine doesn't go back inside after Kurt does, and he doesn't go back inside after Kurt and Rachel leave. He stays on the sidewalk, blinking back tears until he hears the Warblers heading out, Sebastian's laughter ringing out bright and clear. Then Blaine turns on his heel and runs all the way home.
News of their breakup spreads unbelievably fast. News of the reason behind their breakup spreads slower but no less steadily, and by the time Blaine makes it to glee practice the following day, (last rehearsal before Showcase; he's been tense and nervous about it all day, and it hasn't helped that he's also been miserable), the entire glee club knows about him and Sebastian and their late-night phone calls.
(Word is that, apparently, Kurt had checked his phone once and seen Sebastian's name all over his inbox and call log. Blaine doesn't even have it in himself to be mad about the lack of trust; after everything he's done to Kurt, fallen in love with someone else while still dating him, he doesn't think he has the right).
Unsurprisingly, Kurt doesn't look at him when he enters the choir room. Equally unsurprisingly, Rachel levels him with a furious glare, and Finn looks kind of like he wants to beat Blaine to a pulp. Blaine doesn't expect anyone to be on his side, because he doesn't deserve it. He takes what they throw at him, from the direct hits from Santana to the passive-aggressive condescension from Quinn, because he knows he's the one in the wrong, he knows he was the asshole.
It's when Santana says, furiously, "when I get my hands on that little bitch—" that something inside Blaine snaps.
"Okay, you know what, stop," he says, loudly, getting to his feet, spinning to face them head on. Even Kurt looks at him, but Blaine very firmly doesn't look back. That still stings. "You have every right to be pissed at me, I know I'm the jerk in this situation and I don't deserve anything but your best shots." Santana opens her mouth to speak, probably to agree with him in a really mean way, but Blaine keeps talking. "But keep Sebastian out of it. He hasn't done anything, and he doesn't deserve to be blamed when he isn't even around to defend himself."
"Hasn't done anything?" Rachel echoes, stunned and mad. "He seduced you away from Kurt! He probably planned this right from the start, I know he did." Kurt puts a hand on her arm, as if to calm her down, but it's no use. "I bet this entire new leaf thing he's been playing at is all an act, just a way to get under your skin. This is all his fault."
Blaine throws up his hands. "Yes," he agrees, sarcastically. "I'm sure he planned for Karofsky to try to kill himself. I'm sure he planned to get so upset with himself that he was afraid be alone because he didn't know what he might do! Because that's the kind of thing a person does when he's trying to seduce a guy, right?" Blaine is so angry, he doesn't even know what to do with himself. It's like all of his pent-up frustrations are all coming out at once. "Do you even listen to yourself?"
Rachel's lips are a thin line, and she's clutching Kurt's arm tightly. "Oh, so you're making excuses for him now?" she sniffs, and Blaine loves her for sticking up for Kurt, he does, but he kind of wants to rip her head off. "Well, he may have you fooled, but not me. I see right through his weasel—"
"Rachel," Kurt interrupts, gently. Rachel falls quiet immediately. Blaine finally looks at Kurt, and Kurt's looking right back. It hurts, more than a little, but sadly it's not enough to make Blaine doubt his decision, his choice. "Blaine's right. It's not Sebastian's fault. It's not Blaine's fault, either." Kurt looks away then, looks out at the rest of them. His face is white. "Mr. Schue told us that suicide is like a contagious disease, so when Sebastian asked Blaine for help to stop himself from doing something stupid, Blaine did the only right thing: he helped a friend. That, and everything else—it's no one's fault. Not Blaine's, and definitely not Sebastian's." His voice is tight, shaking a little, but fierce.
Blaine feels that familiar rush of fondness in his stomach, but now he can admit to himself that it's mostly friendly, a little nostalgic. Nothing more.
He doesn't talk to Sebastian again until several days after Showcase. They come in fifth, which is impressive, considering no one's really talking to Blaine except Mike and Tina, who refuse to get caught up in other people's drama, (their words), and Rory, who claims not to know enough to start judging anyone. Sam is visibly torn between following Rory's lead and a sense of duty towards the guys who are housing him, which limits his interactions with Blaine to smiles when they pass each other in the hallways and nothing more, but that's still much more than what anyone else gives him.
Blaine is at home, (he spends a lot of time there these days, without his friends to drag him out somewhere), speakers blaring out the soundtrack to West Side Story and his laptop open in front of him as he Facebook-stalks Sebastian, (whose relationship status is still single, which makes Blaine's heart hammer in relief and something like adrenaline), when suddenly the Facebook chat pops up in the corner.
Sebastian Smythe: hey
Blaine's heart hammers harder. He feels instantly both exhilarated and vaguely guilty, like Sebastian has any way of knowing exactly what Blaine was doing on Facebook in the first place. He types back hi, and doesn't know what else to say. It's a little awful; things with him and Sebastian have been many things, but they've never been awkward.
Sebastian Smythe: Are you okay? I saw you broke up with Kurt
Blaine Anderson: I think I'm okay. It's a little weird, you know? but it was for the best
He considers adding, since I have feelings for someone else, but he's not sure Sebastian wants to know. The irony of it doesn't escape him; less than a year go, it was him who didn't want to know anything about Sebastian's affections towards him.
It takes a long time for Sebastian's reply to come. Blaine can see the little Sebastian is writing at the bottom of the chat, blinking on and off, and he's not sure whether he should take Sebastian's indecisiveness as a good thing or a bad thing; it makes his fingers twitch with want of writing something, anything, to make sure Sebastian's reply won't be okay cool see you never, but he's not sure what he would write.
When Sebastian's reply finally comes, several minutes later, Blaine reads it three times before he finally gets it. Relief and giddy anticipation rushes over him. His fingers are shaking so badly it takes him longer than it should to write his own reply back.
Sebastian Smythe: I could really go for a cup of coffee right now
Blaine Anderson: Lima Bean in two hours?
This time, Sebastian's reply is instantaneous: I'll be there :)
The Lima Bean is less than half an hour away from Blaine's house, so Blaine spends the next hour and a half fretting. He doesn't change his clothes, (he doesn't want to come off as desperate), but he restyles his hair and puts on a little bit of deodorant. He gets to the Lima Bean a little early, orders coffee for himself and Sebastian, (he memorizes people's coffee orders quickly; it's a thing), and he's twitching nervously in the corner when Sebastian walks in, finally, dressed in his Dalton Academy uniform and looking windswept and beautiful.
Blaine's stomach swoops.
Sebastian sits down across from him, accepts the coffee Blaine pushes over, and there's a hesitant, almost shy smile on his face. "Hi," he greets, carefully.
"Hey." Blaine's heart is beating so loud he's sure Sebastian must hear it. He feels breathless. "How have you been?"
"Okay, I think," Sebastian answers. Blaine looks at his face, mostly because he can't not look at his face when it's right there, but also a little to see if he looks okay. He does; his eyes are a little guarded, a little careful, but there's almost something cautiously hopeful in them, and the smile on his face looks genuine.
"I'm really sorry about the kiss," Blaine feels compelled to say, and he watches as the smile on Sebastian's face twitches a little, like he's not sure whether to frown or start laughing. Blaine wants to reach out and grab Sebastian's fingers where they're lying on the table, absently scratching at his paper cup.
Finally, Sebastian seems to settle on a frown, a careful tilt of his mouth downward that makes Blaine want to reach out and smooth it away. "Are you sorry that you kissed me, or are you sorry that you kissed me while you were still dating Kurt?" Sebastian asks, and his voice is even, blank.
This is it, Blaine thinks. This is the moment. This is his and Sebastian's moment, the moment where Blaine lays it all out there, like he did with Kurt, like he did with Jeremiah, and hopes to god that Sebastian hasn't lost interest in him in the past few months. Blaine's always been all about seizing the moment, about never taking anything for granted, about living in the now and not in the later. He touches his fingertips to the back of Sebastian's hand, and he feels his stomach clench again. "I'm sorry I kissed you while I was still dating Kurt."
The smile that spreads across Sebastian's face is slow and embarrassed, but happy. He turns his hand over and catches Blaine's fingers with his own, twines them together right there in the middle of the Lima Bean, and says, "Okay. Good."
Sebastian walks him to his car, fingers still tangled together, and Blaine is intensely aware of every place they touch, from the touch of warmth against his each of his fingers, to their palms pressed together, to the occasional bump of their elbows and forearms. It's sunny, late spring, kids running around in the park across the street, and Blaine doesn't really want to go home. It's getting late, though, and Dalton has a curfew.
They stop at Blaine's car, and when Blaine turns to face Sebastian, Sebastian is right there, so close Blaine can feel his breath on his nose. Sebastian is taller than Blaine, so Blaine has to tip his head backward to look him in the eye. It feels like the air around them is holding its breath, poised on the edge of something. Sebastian's smile is soft, and Blaine remembers how it felt against his that time on the steps outside his house.
Sebastian lifts the hand not holding Blaine's, touches Blaine's chin carefully. The press of his lips against Blaine's is gentle, barely there at all, but Blaine feels dizzy and breathless from it anyway. He wants to reach out and grab, wants to opens his mouth and feel Sebastian's tongue against his, but all he does is wrap his hand around the wrist of Sebastian's hand on his face, and stare up at Sebastian when he pulls back.
"Call me tonight?" Sebastian whispers.
Blaine nods. Sebastian grins, and Blaine grins right back.
my first ever glee fic, omg. i kind of swore i'd never get into this fandom, but i think grant gustin broke me. there was originally meant to be more, but i thought this was a nice place to end it. there might be a sequel, who knows. i promise nothing; i suck at updating with any kind of regularity, so it's really better that i just don't promise anything.