Parish Secretary Column
By Mrs June Skibblehorn
Oh, it has been an exciting time at our dear village, has it not fellow members of the congregation? It has seemed to be constant activity since our new vicar, Reverend Magister arrived. There's been new activities at the Church, getting our menfolk outside and involved in socialising so we women can have a bit of peace. And now we're going to be famous, with the television crew coming to our little village to film Professor Horner's Archaeological dig.
And so I'd like to start this month's news by thanking and again welcoming Reverend Magister, as well as to offer an apology of sorts. You may have heard we got off at the wrong foot when we first met. It seemed like only yesterday I was at the front door of the vicarage, knocking excitedly as I waited to show the vicar around the village, and make sure he knows all the people of importance. It's important to do this early, before other less respectable people with values I would not say are supported by the church get involved. I think we all know who I am referring to here, but thankfully Miss Hawthorne was off riding her broomstick or whatever she does as Town White Witch so I managed to have the Reverend all to myself!
Could you believe, the Reverend was less than impressed with me on first meetings as well? As I relayed the list of appointments I had set up at the Cloven Hoof, PC Groom and Squire Wistanley, Reverend Magister insisted he had better things to do. Better things to do that meet his new congregation? I was shocked, but I have since reminded myself that our Reverend is new not just to our village, but new to British village life in general. His previous parish was at a place called Gallifrey, which my sister insists is in Ireland, but I think it likely considering the Reverend's heritage it more likely be in Spain. In either case, a very different atmosphere. The foreigners are very much keep to themselves sort of people, aren't they? And that meant Reverend Magister is probably not used to having a Parish full of such active, kind and supportive people, eager to lend a helping hand to others, especially the new Vicar.
He even became quite alarmed when I insist that, as the man responsible for the spiritual health of the village, he simply must visit the Doctor to find out the physical health of the villagers as well. As soon as I mentioned the Doctor, his eyes grew wide, like he had seen a ghost, and he begun muttering "How did he find me so quickly? I've only just arrived!" to himself. It was only when I advised him of Dr Reeves' visiting hours at the clinic that he appeared relieved.
But then, he suddenly grabbed me by the shoulders, and looking me directly in the eyes with a soft but intense whisper he said "I am the Master, and you will obey me!"
Well, I gently pushed him off my shoulders and said right back "Reverend Magister! I do not know how you did things in your last Parish, but at Devil's End we have a Parish council which works alongside the Vicar, not beneath him. I would ask you to respect my position as Parish secretary as I respect yours as Vicar. And beside which, you should not hold a unmarried woman by the shoulders so. You are a man of the cloth, people will gossip in this village."
He repeated again, in that same whisper but slightly more intense, "You will obey me!"
And I responded "It is clear that I have caught you in a bad mood, which is understandable considering the adjustment you must have gone through. I will bid you good day, and see you tomorrow."
As I stormed off from this boisterous vicar, I began to worry about the future of our village. If there is such a conflict between Parish Secretary and the Vicar, how can the village survive through such tension? Would fewer people attend the church, and more people end up wasting their lives following the runes and chicken feathers or whatever it is Olive Hawthorne uses in her services. And, tragedy upon tragedy that same night I found my pet terrier, Fergus, had somehow escaped the backyard on my home, and had vanished. I was feeling completely alone in the village.
I prayed vigorously about this all night, and my prayers were answered. That morning, at my doorstep I found a miniature doll of a terrier, looking identical to my own terrier Fergus. Someone had found out about my missing companion, and made a beautiful and incredibly lifelike figure of him. Somehow I knew it was the Reverend, seeking to make amends for our poor first introduction.
After dressing with haste, I raced to the vicarage and knocked on the front door again. I knocked a second time, as there appeared to be some chanting occurring in the nearby crypt that was getting fairly loud. Reverend Magister opened the door to see me with my minitature Fergus in my hands.
"Was it you?" I asked him. "Did you do this?"
The Reverend looked at me directly with eyes that showed true compassion for all of God's creatures, and said "Yes. And-"
Before I could let him speak further, my arms wrapped him in a tight embrace. Yes, I know that was foolish, and I should have been concerned what the village gossip would make of the Parish Secretary embracing the Vicar, but I had no concerns for the illicit thoughts of the busybodies. All I wanted was to return the feeling of human affection the Vicar had given me.
As I ended the embrace, and stepped away from Reverend Magister, who appeared quite stunned at my actions, I told him "All is forgiven. Whatever happens in future, Reverend, you have a friend an ally in the village in me. All I want to know is how you were able to find such a perfect replica of Fergus so quickly?"
The Reverend gave a slight smile, and a chuckle, before telling me "I work in mysterious ways, and have many skills beyond what you would understand."
And at that point I knew, without a doubt, this was the perfect vicar for the village. And time has only made my beliefs even stronger. So, I apologise for our poor first meeting, Reverend Magister, and thank you for what you have brought to this village so far, and for all the great achievements you will bring to this village in the future.
Announcements
The Parish is mourning the loss of parishioner "Old" Jim Castell, who recently passed away due to a sudden heart attack. We send our thoughts and prayers to his widow, and their two children.
We are also mourning the loss of Mr. Halcomb, Mrs Midenhall, and Mr. Scorry who also have died of heart attacks in the past month. Dr. Reeves would like to assure everyone these were all just normal heart attacks, not dying by fright no matter what that busy body Miss Hawthorne says.
Reverend Magister has received a letter from Canon Smallwood, who states he is very well after suddenly leaving the village due to poor health. He states he misses us very much, but will not be returning as he has decided to stay in his new location, and urges us all to not to try and find him.
Sadly the Women's Guild's planned supper at Mrs Grenville's has been delayed. Mr Grenville has advised the Parish that his wife has been called away to visit her ailing sister up north. He assures us she will be back very soon, and so a new date will be announced shortly. In a related note, I wish to join Mr Grenville in denouncing the horrible gossipers who have decided to make comment on the state of the Grenville's marriage.
Finally, the new Milkman will start deliveries on Sunday. Charlie the milk man had to suddenly leave his milk route to care for his ailing sister up North. We pray for her speedy recovery.
Upcoming Events
Reverend Magister's Men's group will be running again at the Church this Friday night. Reverend Magister described it as a way for men to get together, have a lovely bite to eat, and our lives and family, and how decadent ideas like liberalism, democracy and freedom are destroying our world, but a strong and powerful leader can still save it. The tone is relaxed and the conversation can range from light-hearted to lively. Reverend Magister would also like to remind Tom Girton that it is his turn to supply the chicken. Contact Garvin for more details.
You've no doubt seen Professor Horner emerging from his archaeological dig underneath Devil's Hump, and wondered what on earth he is up to. I'm excited to say he is about to open the Hump, and on next Sunday a television crew from BBC3 will film him doing exactly that. Reverend Magister has suggested we do a little celebration for the television people, and has requested the Morris Dancing Troupe prepare some dances for the occasion. After meeting with the Reverend, Bert Walker has announced he will be welcoming new members to the Dancing Troupe, and is asking for any fit, strong men who are good with knots to get in touch with him at the Cloven Hoof.