It's funny, thinking about all the things we could've been at a time like
this.
I mean, Sirius, you've only been out of Azkaban, what? Four years? And already Lord Voldemort is stronger, on the loose, gaining power and followers, and here I am; laying out in the middle of some field, robes untidy, hair a mess, drenched, hands locked behind my head like I'm on vacation or something, and dreaming about all the what ifs.
What if I was never bitten?
What if Peter hadn't turned?
What if James were still alive?
What if, what if, what if. I guess I am still a dreamer.
But that's okay, right Sirius? You don't think I'm a coward do you? Dreaming of my own, 'Garden of Eden', while practically everything we know falls to pieces? You do it, don't you? I mean, last night you were talking about that big trip you've been planning for Harry once this whole thing blows over.
You know Sirius, people still think we're a couple? Especially now that Harry lives with us, and we do spoil him like a son. Even though you're a wild flirt, and I just got engaged.
She was talking about 'our future' again last night, this time with kids, two girls and twin boys. Imagine, kids at a time like this! At our age! I swear she forgets about it sometimes, either that or she covers it...
like you.
But-it's weird Sirius, I can't tell when she's covering up her fears by show, but with you, I can see it clear as day. It's behind your eyes, Sirius, that heartbreaking glassed over look. It's almost as if you're scared. Scared of something besides the threat of Lord Voldemort. Sirius, it's like your scared of going back to Azkaban.
That's not it, is it? Padfoot, people know you're innocent! They've known for almost a year! Ever since they found Peter...
But, why fear going back?! You've done nothing wrong, you'll do nothing wrong, and I won't let them take you back. I swear on my soul you'll never see Azkaban again. Never.
You're like a brother to me, Sirius. No, closer. I had a brother, poor little guy was a squib. I never talked about him, my baby brother Shon. We were close, and I loved him more than life itself, but it's different with you. I don't know how, but it is.
Do you have siblings? You've never liked talking about your family. Even when we were little, when we would bring it up, you'd change the subject, or pull out the map. I know your father expected too much from you, and your mother's soul had been beaten out of her, but that's all. Did you-
Ooh.
A cold shiver down my spine.
I won't look over, I know what it is. I've got about four days until it's full. It's hard Sirius, I love and hate it. It's so beautiful, but it takes from me that which I treasure most:
my free will,
my humanity,
my love.
Have you heard what the damned ministry wants to do now? I'm sure you have, it's all over the TV and the papers, you're just too gentle to confront me about how I feel about it.
How would you feel though, in my place?
They want to gather up all the werewolves they can get their grubby paws on, dig up what remains in Voldemort's grave, and bewitch us to track him 'till we find him, or die. They're passing it by saying:
'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.'
Which is already wrong, because it's the needs of the one, right? But what do they care? They've got the whole Wizarding World eating out of their hands! And I wouldn't be surprised if they have some Muggle connections as well!
I know you've told me before that I'm never to believe I'm a monster, but it's hard not to when people do stuff like this. What am I to think? It was just an accident?
You know, Hermione and some of her friends wanted to start a protest. I talked them out of it before they could recruit you, because I knew that once they had you on their side, I wouldn't be able to talk you out of it. No matter what.
I don't want any of you getting the treatment that other people have by standing up for me. It's almost as bad as the way they treat werewolves sometimes.
Oooh, that breeze feels good.
And I've got an itch.
There, that's better-
Wait?
Is that a flea?
No, I refuse to believe that I have fleas.
"Remus!"
Sirius?
I turn my head and sure enough, you come running into the field, followed closely by Harry.
You're still dressed, but he's in his night clothes. Did you wake him up again?
"Remus! Are you ok?" You pant as you fall to your knees before me, and Harry nods as he leans over to catch his breath.
"I'm fine," I sigh, sitting up slowly. What's the worry? What's wrong? Did something happen?
"What are you two doing out here?"
"Looking for you, idiot!" You growl and smack me over the head with a sigh. "What do you think you're doing out here!"
"Thinking.."
"Remus! You shouldn't be out here all alone, especially in your condition." There it is. That glassy look, but, but this time you've got stars in your eyes. The clouds have cleared.
"Come on Remus, let's get you back home." You sigh softly, resting a warm hand on my shoulder. I put my hands over yours with a sideways grin as Harry starts back.
"Ok,"
"From now on you-"
The clouds are moving again..
"are not to-"
The moon, the... pain...
"Uuhnnn..."
"Remus!?" I slowly fall back down to my knees as the pain courses through my body. It's like someone is twirling around my insides with a spoon. It's normal though, for this time of the month, but I guess the people watching never really-
Ahhh...
Get used to it. I guess it's still shocking for you after so many years.
I'm slowly doubling up now, gripping my sides so hard I'm sure they'll break. I'm going to close my eyes now, maybe that'll help.. it has before..
Wait....
Arms?
Hands?
Sirius... you're picking me up again, aren't you? You carried me home twice last month, and you're really not in any condition to do so. You've been sick lately. But sure enough, your arms are under my knees and on my back.
I've always tried to keep face through all the pain, ever since I was little, but, I guess... sometimes I'll let you carry me.
You stand up slowly, shakily at first but I've got the feeling Harry's helping you up.
You're heading back home now, and, you're walking so softly, so you don't shake me or bump me. You're such an idiot you know... but, you're my idiot.
"Harry, get the door?"
No.. I don't want to go inside just yet.. it's, it's too nice outside.
Hearing your boots on the floor, and feeling you tense slowly, I'm going to try and help you set me down. I know I'm not the little guy I used to be when I went to Hogwarts. I feel your hands slide from under me, and feel a slight pressure on the other end of the bed as you sigh.
Now there's a warmth on my forehead.
I slowly open my eyes, and there's Harry, kneeling down by the head of the bed with a warm cloth on my forehead. He's always thought of others before himself. He gives me a light smile.
I know I must be redder than a tomato, I can feel my cheeks burning. I really don't like people fawning all over me when this happens. I don't like the way it makes me feel.
"I'm fine.." I manage to croak as you brush a strand of hair out of my face and I slowly uncurl from my fetal position.
"No more midnight field runs Moony, not for a while anyway." You smile as you stand. Harry looks up at you, and you give him a slight nod. He stands and rests his hand on your arm for a moment before leaving.
He really looks up to you, Sirius, you know that right? You're like a father to the boy. He's told me so many times how he wishes he was strong like you, brave like you. He thinks you're a hero Sirius. Go figure, Sirius Black, Padfoot, some little kids role model.
But, I guess things have changed.
I just haven't accepted it yet.
Maybe I should.
You lean in and leave a soft kiss on my forehead as you shove your hands into your robe pockets.
You look at me, and my heart stops.
There it is, for a fleeting moment, right there behind your glassy eyes.
Hope, Sirius, hope.
It will be over some day, Sirius, and one way or another, I'll run with you again.
Mmm, I feel the slow hum of unconsciousness creeping up on me.
Just, know this Sirius, Padfoot,
No matter what.. no matter how this all turns out, no matter how far we may be from each other, just say my name, whisper it, think it, write it down, because I'll be doing the same..
Moony
I mean, Sirius, you've only been out of Azkaban, what? Four years? And already Lord Voldemort is stronger, on the loose, gaining power and followers, and here I am; laying out in the middle of some field, robes untidy, hair a mess, drenched, hands locked behind my head like I'm on vacation or something, and dreaming about all the what ifs.
What if I was never bitten?
What if Peter hadn't turned?
What if James were still alive?
What if, what if, what if. I guess I am still a dreamer.
But that's okay, right Sirius? You don't think I'm a coward do you? Dreaming of my own, 'Garden of Eden', while practically everything we know falls to pieces? You do it, don't you? I mean, last night you were talking about that big trip you've been planning for Harry once this whole thing blows over.
You know Sirius, people still think we're a couple? Especially now that Harry lives with us, and we do spoil him like a son. Even though you're a wild flirt, and I just got engaged.
She was talking about 'our future' again last night, this time with kids, two girls and twin boys. Imagine, kids at a time like this! At our age! I swear she forgets about it sometimes, either that or she covers it...
like you.
But-it's weird Sirius, I can't tell when she's covering up her fears by show, but with you, I can see it clear as day. It's behind your eyes, Sirius, that heartbreaking glassed over look. It's almost as if you're scared. Scared of something besides the threat of Lord Voldemort. Sirius, it's like your scared of going back to Azkaban.
That's not it, is it? Padfoot, people know you're innocent! They've known for almost a year! Ever since they found Peter...
But, why fear going back?! You've done nothing wrong, you'll do nothing wrong, and I won't let them take you back. I swear on my soul you'll never see Azkaban again. Never.
You're like a brother to me, Sirius. No, closer. I had a brother, poor little guy was a squib. I never talked about him, my baby brother Shon. We were close, and I loved him more than life itself, but it's different with you. I don't know how, but it is.
Do you have siblings? You've never liked talking about your family. Even when we were little, when we would bring it up, you'd change the subject, or pull out the map. I know your father expected too much from you, and your mother's soul had been beaten out of her, but that's all. Did you-
Ooh.
A cold shiver down my spine.
I won't look over, I know what it is. I've got about four days until it's full. It's hard Sirius, I love and hate it. It's so beautiful, but it takes from me that which I treasure most:
my free will,
my humanity,
my love.
Have you heard what the damned ministry wants to do now? I'm sure you have, it's all over the TV and the papers, you're just too gentle to confront me about how I feel about it.
How would you feel though, in my place?
They want to gather up all the werewolves they can get their grubby paws on, dig up what remains in Voldemort's grave, and bewitch us to track him 'till we find him, or die. They're passing it by saying:
'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.'
Which is already wrong, because it's the needs of the one, right? But what do they care? They've got the whole Wizarding World eating out of their hands! And I wouldn't be surprised if they have some Muggle connections as well!
I know you've told me before that I'm never to believe I'm a monster, but it's hard not to when people do stuff like this. What am I to think? It was just an accident?
You know, Hermione and some of her friends wanted to start a protest. I talked them out of it before they could recruit you, because I knew that once they had you on their side, I wouldn't be able to talk you out of it. No matter what.
I don't want any of you getting the treatment that other people have by standing up for me. It's almost as bad as the way they treat werewolves sometimes.
Oooh, that breeze feels good.
And I've got an itch.
There, that's better-
Wait?
Is that a flea?
No, I refuse to believe that I have fleas.
"Remus!"
Sirius?
I turn my head and sure enough, you come running into the field, followed closely by Harry.
You're still dressed, but he's in his night clothes. Did you wake him up again?
"Remus! Are you ok?" You pant as you fall to your knees before me, and Harry nods as he leans over to catch his breath.
"I'm fine," I sigh, sitting up slowly. What's the worry? What's wrong? Did something happen?
"What are you two doing out here?"
"Looking for you, idiot!" You growl and smack me over the head with a sigh. "What do you think you're doing out here!"
"Thinking.."
"Remus! You shouldn't be out here all alone, especially in your condition." There it is. That glassy look, but, but this time you've got stars in your eyes. The clouds have cleared.
"Come on Remus, let's get you back home." You sigh softly, resting a warm hand on my shoulder. I put my hands over yours with a sideways grin as Harry starts back.
"Ok,"
"From now on you-"
The clouds are moving again..
"are not to-"
The moon, the... pain...
"Uuhnnn..."
"Remus!?" I slowly fall back down to my knees as the pain courses through my body. It's like someone is twirling around my insides with a spoon. It's normal though, for this time of the month, but I guess the people watching never really-
Ahhh...
Get used to it. I guess it's still shocking for you after so many years.
I'm slowly doubling up now, gripping my sides so hard I'm sure they'll break. I'm going to close my eyes now, maybe that'll help.. it has before..
Wait....
Arms?
Hands?
Sirius... you're picking me up again, aren't you? You carried me home twice last month, and you're really not in any condition to do so. You've been sick lately. But sure enough, your arms are under my knees and on my back.
I've always tried to keep face through all the pain, ever since I was little, but, I guess... sometimes I'll let you carry me.
You stand up slowly, shakily at first but I've got the feeling Harry's helping you up.
You're heading back home now, and, you're walking so softly, so you don't shake me or bump me. You're such an idiot you know... but, you're my idiot.
"Harry, get the door?"
No.. I don't want to go inside just yet.. it's, it's too nice outside.
Hearing your boots on the floor, and feeling you tense slowly, I'm going to try and help you set me down. I know I'm not the little guy I used to be when I went to Hogwarts. I feel your hands slide from under me, and feel a slight pressure on the other end of the bed as you sigh.
Now there's a warmth on my forehead.
I slowly open my eyes, and there's Harry, kneeling down by the head of the bed with a warm cloth on my forehead. He's always thought of others before himself. He gives me a light smile.
I know I must be redder than a tomato, I can feel my cheeks burning. I really don't like people fawning all over me when this happens. I don't like the way it makes me feel.
"I'm fine.." I manage to croak as you brush a strand of hair out of my face and I slowly uncurl from my fetal position.
"No more midnight field runs Moony, not for a while anyway." You smile as you stand. Harry looks up at you, and you give him a slight nod. He stands and rests his hand on your arm for a moment before leaving.
He really looks up to you, Sirius, you know that right? You're like a father to the boy. He's told me so many times how he wishes he was strong like you, brave like you. He thinks you're a hero Sirius. Go figure, Sirius Black, Padfoot, some little kids role model.
But, I guess things have changed.
I just haven't accepted it yet.
Maybe I should.
You lean in and leave a soft kiss on my forehead as you shove your hands into your robe pockets.
You look at me, and my heart stops.
There it is, for a fleeting moment, right there behind your glassy eyes.
Hope, Sirius, hope.
It will be over some day, Sirius, and one way or another, I'll run with you again.
Mmm, I feel the slow hum of unconsciousness creeping up on me.
Just, know this Sirius, Padfoot,
No matter what.. no matter how this all turns out, no matter how far we may be from each other, just say my name, whisper it, think it, write it down, because I'll be doing the same..
Moony