A/N: This is set after four months after the Jenna shooting, some Season 13 aspects are included. This is going to be long. I am aiming to update weekly on Sundays, I have chapters written in advance and am nervous and excited about this journey.
There are songs that heavily influenced the muse, usually a verse of the song that influenced the chapter will begin it.
To my bestie, thank you for the beta and for encouraging my ramblings in the development of this. You are amazing.
Thank you for reading, reviews/feedback are appreciated and before this becomes the biggest A/N known to man, I will leave it at that, lol.
One last thing, if you ever want to chat, follow me on Twitter: AyshenRocks 3
My silence solidifies,
Until that hollow void erases you,
Erases you so I can't feel at all.
But if I never feel again, at least that nothingness
Will end the painful dream, of you and me...
If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to
Before you went away, if only for a day.
If things get real for me down here, promise to take me back to
The tune we played before you went away.
(The Sound of White – Missy Higgins)
She has become numb. She doesn't cry anymore; even for the victims and definitely not for herself. It was as if the water had settled around her and instead of fighting she had decided to just let it enter her lungs and consume her.
For two months that was what she blamed the exhaustion on. Truthfully, she wasn't sleeping; not until her body was so tired it began to shut down. She started to merely exist on the fumes of what was once her life.
It wasn't until a morning in the shower that she discovered the small anomaly that she called her doctor and made an appointment. She wasn't overly fond of clinics or hospitals; too many memories and scars, but there was something in her gut that made her pick up the phone. Although her instincts had been wrong a lot lately…starting with the belief that he wouldn't just up and leave her.
OoO
Hit, hit, hit, hit.
He threw long fluid punches at the bag in front of him, each harder than the last, smashing his scarred knuckles harshly and still feeling no pain.
Hit, hit, hit, hit.
This was the only time he could slow his thoughts…never top them, simply slow them down to a dull ache inside his chest. His life was shit; his marriage on the rocks, his job gone…and God, he missed her so much that not even enough whiskey or pain could drown it out.
Her calls had stopped three weeks ago. He hates this weakness inside of him…the one who hasn't been able to muster enough courage to call her back and the one who gets drunk enough to call his voicemail to hear her voice on the saved messages.
"El, it's me, can you please call me back?"
"I'm not trying to stalk you"
"I'm done Elliot"
There is a surge of emotion as his fists crash harder and harder and her eyes invade his psyche once again.
Hit, hit, hit, hit.
OoO
The beige of the walls is nauseating and the gown scratches against her skin as the second hand of the clock ticks away slowly. She should be at work right now, catching up on paperwork, forcing a smile when Rollins brings her a tea, staging a laugh at a joke Fin tells, and staring across the desk that used to be his.
Sometimes she can still feel him there and when the elevator dings she has this inane hope he's going to wander in, that crease in his forehead pronounced as he complains about traffic and puts a pastry bag on her desk.
Her fingers play with the Semper Fidelis medal that lies on a chain, resting over her heart. It was their last hurrah, a slight bit of proof that the connection she felt wasn't all in her head. He had meant everything to her; so it was slightly comforting to know that she meant something to him.
Thoughts are broken by her doctors knock and entrance into the room, "Good morning Olivia" she greets warmly, "May I ask why you are here today?"
Reality smacks into her like a gust of cold air and she lets out a deep breath, "I found a lump in my left breast"
OoO
He and Kathy tiptoe on eggshells around each other. They talk about the kids, the weather, they don't touch, they don't kiss and the wall of Jericho might was well lie smack in the middle of their bed.
Eli is the only thing that is sustaining that withering string that binds them and even now he can feel it unraveling by the second.
"Lizzie's coming home for the weekend, I was thinking it would be nice to go into the city and have dinner with Maureen and Kathleen" she explains, "My mom said she'll watch Eli for the evening"
His eyes momentarily rise from the newspaper and he nods perfunctory, "Sounds good"
A small sad smile barely lifts the corners of her lips, "Okay"
They might as well be strangers, roommates and when she leaves his body doesn't even register her as gone.
OoO
As the exam starts her eyes squeeze shut, the warmth of the woman's skin on the cold of her own makes a slight shiver course through her. When it's done; she knows something is wrong. She's been a cop long enough to read people's faces and she can tell the woman in front of her is worried.
"There is a lump"
Numb
She doesn't cry; she simply blinks as the words slowly seep into her bones.
"I want to do a biopsy, as soon as possible"
Slowly she nods; her reactions dulled, her body feeling suddenly lethargic.
"Olivia, are you okay?" she asks placing a gentle hand on her forearm.
Is she okay? She doesn't even know what that is anymore.
OoO
"Dad"
Maureen had cornered him in the kitchen while the rest of the girls readied themselves upstairs, "Yeah baby"
His toe headed girl had grown up before his eyes and now she stood in front of him, a strong confident woman, "I need to ask you something"
Call it a cop's instinct but he had a feeling he wasn't going to like whatever she was going to ask. He actually hoped for something about a new guy she was dating, or needing some money but she was his first born and they had always shared a special connection.
"Shoot" he said trying to sound nonchalant.
She looks back, as if to make sure they were alone, "Have you spoken to Olivia?"
He can feel the vein in his neck pulsate as his throat goes dry. He hasn't spoken her name out loud in months; even Kathy began to avoid the topic like the plague. He thought the scar was beginning to heal but one whisper of her name and it tears back open causing him to bleed all over himself, "Uh, why" he asks trying to avoid the question.
Arms cross over her chest and she sighs, "Dad" she starts, "I saw her last week"
Saw her…probably spoke to her and his skin prickles with envy, "Where?"
"I was in Manhattan picking up a friend, I stopped at a coffee shop"
"How…how is she?" he manages to choke out.
His daughter looks at her shoes and then back up at him, "I don't really know…we said hi but…I couldn't shake this feeling"
"What feeling"
The nerves ignite in his body and suddenly he is hyper away of everything.
"There was something in her eyes…she didn't seem like the Olivia I knew"
"What do you mean?" he grinds out his eyes wide, the blood running hot in his veins.
It comes out harsher than he anticipated but Maureen doesn't seemed phased "Dad, she seems deflated"
The words main him and he hates himself a little more every day because he left her, walked away like everyone before him and acted like he never looked back. He needs to see her, needs to explain, she has to know that he's spent every second missing her…her smile, her voice, the way she could just look at him and know everything.
But he's not ready yet.
"Just call her, please"
He can hear the lyrical sing song of Kathleen's voice calling them and he nods but they both know he's lying.
OoO
"The lump is malignant"
The world goes black. She can't breathe, she can't move and everything the doctor is saying hits her skin and falls to the speckled tiled floor.
A part of her had always accepted the probability that she would die before she was old and gray as a hazard of the job. This, something inside of her that may slowly kill her, is a little more daunting and suddenly she has this overwhelming will to fight it. She doesn't want to die and there is a part of her that's not even sure why she has this will to live because there are times she already feels half dead inside.
Remove the lump…chemotherapy…we caught this early.
She nods at the doctor slowly letting it all sink in but it doesn't quite make it past the numbness and when she leaves the office she has no idea what she's doing or where's she's going but ends up back at the 1-6. She had taken the day off but she doesn't want to go home to her empty apartment, she wasn't to be here…in the place that has always been more of a home, in the place where she can still feel him.
"Aren't you supposed to be off" Fin teases when he sees her.
Despite her small forced smile he must read something in her movements because his face twists in concern as she walks by and into Cragen's office.
The older man furrows his brow, "Day off usually means off" he tells her dryly looking up and then back down to his paperwork.
"Cap, we need to talk"
OoO
It's early in the evening and she stands on his front lawn watering the grass. Kathy had taken Eli into the city for a late lunch with Maureen and he finally feels a moment of peace. He knows that makes him a grade A jackass but at this point he's accepted that fact.
When the sedan pulls up to his curb he feels his stomach crash into his sneakers.
No, no, no, no.
When their eyes meet he swallows hard and Cragen's face tells him that it's not good. His head begins to shake slowly and it's like an outer body experience, "No" he mumbles his eyes pooling with tears, "No, please God, no" falls off his lips.
There is little space between them and the water from the hose is filling his shoes but he can quite feel anything, "Cap, please" he begs.
"She's okay"
Relief spreads through his body, the blood back to running thick and warm in his veins, "She's…she's okay?" he questions unsure of anything at the moment.
This man has been like a father to him and his eyes are rimmed in red and looks exhausted, "I shouldn't be here…hell, I shouldn't have to be here" he tells him sternly, "How could you do this to her?"
The bile rises in his throat and he almost relishes in the cutting of the man's words. It's not anything he doesn't already feel about himself but to be told, it's almost liberating, "I…"
"She's gonna be pissed at me but I just don't care…Olivia needs you right now, you hear me? She needs you, so get yourself together, for her" he spits turning away to leave.
"Cap"
Their eyes meet and Cragen's face softens, "If you are half the man I know you are" he trails off before walking towards the sedan. When he gets to the door he looks at Elliot once more, "She can't do this alone"