Author's Note: I'm a big Boromir fan who couldn't help but feel Boromir needed some participation is the quest for the ring after he died, hence this. Please excuse any anachronisms I put in, this is fanfiction! Please review!
Love, Balrog Pimp xox
Boromir's Diary of the Afterlife
Day 1:
I just died. Kind of interesting really. There was this big tunnel that opened up before me with this angelic host calling me, but why follow the crowds? So I guess I'm sort of trapped here now. Oh well. I have decided to stay here for a while and watch the fellowship deal with the quest now that I'm gone, (like they'll be able to!). It's kinda nice to know that they still care about me... OMG! Just scored a kiss from Aragorn! Go me! In your face Legolas! I always knew I was the prettiest! Wish I had felt it though, feel slightly miffed. Oh well, dead kiss is better than no kiss right? Still have no idea as to how I am recording this, as I have no pen or paper...best not to think too much on this subject. Maybe it's like one of those voice memo things? Which reminds me...I forgot to give back the voice recorder thingy I stole from Faramir ages ago... guess I won't be able to tell him where I hid it now. Maybe it's for the better, would rather Faramir not hear the stuff I recorded on it...Hey, is Aragorn crying???
Later:
Okay, so maybe those elven boats are really worth all the trouble; they go down waterfalls really well! Bye bye body! Good riddance I say, sure it was strong, good looking, desirable...what was I saying... Oh yeah! But floating is soo much better than running! I am now seeing the benefits of being bodiless. You don't get tired and sore and you're invisible! Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas don't know whether to follow Frodo and Sam or rescue Merry and Pippin. Follow Frodo and Sam! Follow Frodo and Sam! Get that damn ring off him, he can't do it alone, you need to take it to Gondor! Forget what I said earlier about understanding why we couldn't take the ring, I was delirious! Listen to me Aragorn, can't you hear me?! Oh... maybe he can't. Shit. Forget what I said about benefits of being bodiless... it sucks.
Day 2:
So now we're following along after the Uruk-Hai, trying to save Merry and Pippin. Blast it! Not that I've got anything against the Dynamic Duo but I taught them how to fight, they should be able to handle. Am sulking... though this may seem to be pointless as no one can see me... but damn it I'll pout anyway! Am only reassured by the fact that Aragorn is only following Merry and Pippin for my sake. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention I seem to be able to hear people's thoughts. Pretty cool really. Aragorn's doing this so I didn't have to die in vain...he also took my vambraces to remember me by. Quite sweet of him really. I hope he cleans them from time to time though, would hate for vambraces to look like the rest of his garb. –shudders-
Day 3:
Jeez, toughen up Gimli and quit complaining. Honestly, they're only running all day and all night. Guess who doesn't have to do any running from now on? Heh heh heh! Last night, however, discovered double bonus to be able to read people's thoughts. Aragorn has... ahem, very vivid dreams concerning... certain elvish princesses. Had very entertaining time last night. Is this wrong? Am I a sick pervert? Oh who cares anyway its not like he knows I'm still sticking around! Besides, I like to think of it as an educational experience... learnt a lot about elvish...culture...
Also decided to pay a brief visit to Frodo and Sam and see how their scummy quest is going. They are lost in the Eymn Muil, serves them right. We wouldn't have got lost if we had gone straight to Minas Tirith. Stupid Frodo kicking me in the face. Resist urge to cut elvish rope and send hobbits plummeting to their doom...hey, can I even do that? Better not try just in case. Ewww, what's that scrawny, naked thing down there? Maybe I should get back to Aragorn and the others now, would hate to miss Aragorn's bedtime... ; )
Day 4:
Another day of floating along while the others run. Keep breathing Legolas, a little exercise is good for you! Apparently the Uruk-Hai are taking the hobbits to Isengard. Do the stupid blighters think Merry and Pip have the ring? Boy, are they in for a surprise! Hope the two little squirts will be all right though, they were my buddies...Okay, new plan! Help Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli to save Merry and Pippin by any means necessary! Hey, what's this? It's one of those elvish broaches! Perhaps I can get Aragorn to see it. Success! It appears I have the ability to trip people up. Anyway, he saw it... when he was flat on the ground! Ha ha!
Later:
Met up with the Riders of Rohan and got to see Éomer again! Hooray! I missed the sexy bitch! Too bad he didn't seem to realise I was kissing him all over his handsome mug! He's such a cutie. Stupid Legolas just about put an arrow through him and me though! Thank you Aragorn for saving my precious Éomesy! Feel all tingly inside now being reunited with old friends; maybe we can have a party! Or maybe not, Éomer seems to be a bit busy and is riding off again. Torn between following hot Rohirrim or elf, dwarf, man freak show. Better help them along... they need all the help they can get.
Note to self: See how far my abilities of being able to interfere with the land of the living go.
Day 5:
Have entered big, scary forest. Can't help but think that honey bunny Éomesy Womesy wouldn't have come to such a dark and spooky place...but if he had come maybe he could have held me close. Something about his big, strong muscles makes me feel all girly –giggles- Oh come on, I'm dead, give me a break already! Anyway, dark, dank, scary forest update. Forest has consistently loomed over me since we got in her. Think trees are aware of my presence. Hey, what's that moving over there? Hey Legolas, I saw it first, so don't you get all 'my elf sense is tingling' on me! Arggghh! Sudden bolt of lighting is very very frightening!!!
Later:
So, the others all found out that sudden, blinding light was actually Gandalf in disguise. But I knew that all along. Lost the plot when Gandalf started speaking in riddles again, tried to read his mind in attempt understand him better... no joy. Saw Merry and Pip today! They were riding an enormous tree...I knew there was an old wives tale about this forest for a reason...Also saw Frodo and Sam again, just to check that they hadn't unfortunately perished. Wrinkled, nudist critter in loincloth is leading them through some stinky marshes. Well Frodo, if you regret your decision to go to Mount Doom this way its your own fault, Minas Tirith doesn't stink I can tell you that!
P.S: Sorry Frodo for accidentally pushing you into that marsh, I was trying to swat a bug on you back, honest! Looks like I pushed a little too hard. –smirk-
Day 6:
Travelling along with freak show again. Man, is what we looked like to those Crebain? Saruman must have been shivering in his boots after hearing about our little travelling party...right. Am most glad I don't have a ride horses again either, they make for uncomfortable travel. Took a peep in on Frodo and Sam and naked critter again today. They reached the Black Gate, but turned away because, like I told them, the stupid mission is impossible!!! Hate to say I told you so... not! They are heading towards Ithillien; hopeful they will ditch ugly creature and head towards Minas Tirith, now that would make some sense. However, would much rather Frodo had the ring than ugly thing 'cos it seems to want the ring too, and Valar knows what it will do with it! Hopefully they will run into Faramir and he will mug 'em and take the ring for himself. Oh, Boromir, what are you thinking, this is Faramir we're talking about here and Faramir wouldn't mug a bunny rabbit! –deep sigh-
This mission is doomed for failure...TBC