Poké-crack
By: Generation Pope
NOTE: beware of swearing crack nonsence and jokes against gays. If you take offence please don't flame me just don't read. Thank you.
Once upon a day, Ash was walking thorough a foreign territory in Veridian city. He had just received his first 3 Pokemon; Pigeotto, Pikachu and Caterpie or rather a new Metapod.
Little did he know that Kate, a new Pokemon trainer from urmom town had also just arrived in the forest.
'Wow this forest is really ugly. I wish I had a Pokemon with laser beams for eyes so I could burn all the ratatas'. Kate thought as she walked along with her Pokemon beside her. Just then she saw Ash in the clearing. His pokedex seemed to be dissing him up
"Pokemon trainers shouldn't be so stupid as to leave all of their pokeballs in an open sardine container and then 'accidentally' lower said tin of fish into a clearing of mankeys." Ash's pokedex said in its monotone voice.
Kate couldn't help but laugh at Ash's misfortune of being born with a molecule sized brain. Ash spun around quickly dropping his pokedex on the ground.
The pokedex started sputtering out a bunch of profanities but all Kate caught were the words frog sucking and stupid not even pre teen ass hole.
"Who's there!"? Ash called defensively.
"Well I don't know about you but I'm here." Kate said stepping out of the clearing.
"Who are you!"? Ash questioned.
"My name is Kate and I am destined to be the best Pokemon master in the world." Kate said in a mocking tone.
"Hey! You're mocking me! I just said that in the clearing over there, have you been spying on me?" Ash questioned nervously.
"No I haven't been spying on you. You said it so loud I could hear it, and if I was seeing right you were yelling to a Sperow that was trying to attack you." Kate said.
"Shut up! I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!" Ash yelled.
"As you wish my love." Kate said
"Wha'…" Ash asked
"I said As. You. Wish. My. Love." Kate repeated and then started laughing and fell down on the ground.
"Stop trying to psyche me out! Get up and fight me!" Ash yelled.
Kate contained her laughter and got up and pulled a poke ball from her pocket. Enlarging it by touching that small button on the front.
"You sound almost eager to die" Kate stated
Ash just made an angry face and pulled his first poke ball.
"Pigeotto I choose you!" He yelled as he whipped it onto the ground.
"Pikafag! Do your thing!" Kate yelled as she through her poke ball out onto the ground. A Pikachu popped out of her ball.
"Pika…fag…" Ash muttered to himself and then decided to ignore this and went back to his fight.
"Pigeotto! Sand attack!" Ash yelled
"Pikafag! Dodge it and use backhand!" Kate yelled.
Pikafag jumped up to pigeotto and backhanded it so it fell to the ground.
"Pikafag! USE BITCHSLAP!
Pikafag jumped on top of Pigeotto and started to bitchslap it viciously.
"THAT'S IT PIKAFAG SHOW THAT FLYING RAT WHOS BOSS!" Kate yelled.
"uhh…Pigeotto return?" Ash yelled as he returned pigeotto to its poke ball.
"Pikafag return" Kate called.
"Pikachu I choose you!" Ash yelled.
"Squirrel I choose you!" Kate yelled.
"Squirrel?" Ash muttered. 'I've never heard of that Pokemon…' he thought. He pulled out his pokedex and pointed it at squirrels' poke ball.
Squirrel: A small rodent that forages nuts and buries them so that it can hibernate and eat when the snow melts in the spring.
"That sounds like a squirrel…?" Ash said.
"It is a squirrel you dense igit! What, do you think that Pokemon are the only things that can live in this forest!?" Kate yelled.
"You…you mean you captured an actual squirrel…Never mind…anyways go Pikachu! Thunder shock!"
"Squirrel! Rabies attack!"
Squirrel jumped up and tackled Pikachu, foaming at the mouth. It bit into Pikachu's neck and ran around crazily making rabid sounds and shaking foam everywhere.
"Holy shit…" Ash said as he ran to Pikachu.
"YOU GAVE PIKACHU RABIES!" Ash yelled.
"Pikachu return…" Ash said defeatedly. He knew Metapod couldn't fight in it's current useless cacoon form.
"I WIN YAY ME! Squirrel return!" Kate called.
Just then a rose petal fell onto Ash's head.
James fell out of a tree and landed on the ground right next to Ash.
"Prepare to fight you!" he said in his monotone voice.
"Shut up you stupid poof! If you were any gayer you would be a pink fluffy jigglypuff! Now go dye your hair pink before you die of homosexuality!" Kate screamed.
"Well I never." James said in monotone again.
"Koffing go get them" James half whispered half yelled.
"KOFFING!" Yelled Koffing.
"Ham GO GET HIM!"
Kate threw a poke ball and out came a baked ham.
"O for fucks sakes!" Ash yelled as the ham flopped out onto the ground and did nothing.
"HAM PSYCH OUT ATTACK!" Kate yelled.
When Ham did nothing Kate rewarded it and called it back.
Koffing did a sludge attack and hit Ash.
"HAHA YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS!" Kate laughed as she pointed to where the sludge had hit Ash in his ass.
Koffing said "KOFFING!" And it released a cloud of smoke.
"Time for my last Pokemon…" Kate muttered.
"GO! MELMON!" Kate yelled.
She threw her poke ball and Mel Gibson popped out.
"HOLY SHIT! IM FREE!" He screamed and ran right into James before getting up and running off.
"Damn it! Thought I had him." Kate muttered.
Ash rolled his eyes.
Little did they know Mel has just run into a hole he made in a tree and was now watching the rest of the fight.
"METAPOD I CHOOSE YOU!" He yelled.
Metapod came out of its poke ball.
"METAPOD STRING SHO—" Kate running by and scooping up Metapod cut off Ash.
"YOU LIKE IT!" She yelled before she whipped Metapod at Koffing, which then ricocheted into James and killed them both.
"Whoo! See Metapod has it's uses, you just have to improvise." Kate said. "That was a good one. So umm…wanna go get some curry?" Kate asked.
"Sure" Said Ash and he turned to call back Metapod and then they went off to the Curry shack in town.
THE END.
Hope you guys thought this was as crazy as I did. Me and my partner re watched the first 3 epasodes of Pokémon the other night. Yha pretty weird I know. Please review. Ill love you all!