The Second Side of Eldest

Chapter One: The Lair of Microsoft Sam

Notes: Whew! A fresh start! To those of you who are my fans from reading The True Face of Eragon, enjoy. To those of you who aren't, well, I suggest you read The True Face of Eragon first. So, anyway, read on! (---- Did I use this sentence last time?)

"The plane will now take off. Remember to fasten your seatbelts and turn off all electronics except for pipe bombs. We like complications. Have a nice flight!"

Eragon sighed. He looked out the window, searching for Saphira in the sky. "Shut the window, will you? I'm trying to sleep," Arya said.

"Sorry." Eragon pulled the shades down.

"You know what?" Arya moved closer to him.

"Uh…no?"

"Good. Now shut up." Arya sat back in her seat.

Eragon stared, irritated, and not to mention insulted, but eventually he just made himself comfortable for the long flight.

He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he heard was, "Sorry for the inconvenience, but hang on for a bit of turbulence right now. We'll make it through, try not to panic. Thank you."

Eragon woke Arya. "Arya!" he said. "The speaker said there's bad weather coming."

Arya rubbed her eyes. "Uh…let me guess, after the whole thing there's a cheesy joke where those plane breathing masks drop from the ceiling and we don't need them."

"Yeah, that might happen." Suddenly the masks came down.

"I am mistaken. Now I'll go back to sleep." The plane started to shake violently, with screams left and right. One stewardess yelled, "SHUT UP!!" Everyone stopped being terrified and looked.

"Good," said the stewardess as she walked into the staff section. The screams resumed as she left.

Eragon lifted the shade of his window and tried to make out what was happening. The plane was spinning, with dark clouds gathered around it. On top of that it was raining, but it didn't really matter because he got a free umbrella from having a fake passport with his birthday in the 1600s.

The clouds parted for a single second and he saw two things the first of which a dark, blue ribbon darting across the sky. "Saphira!" he said.

"Hello, Eragon," she replied.

The second thing he noticed was the wing of the plane. It was kind of rugged. "The wing looks pretty fragile," he observed. A ripping sound shattered his thoughts, and he watched in horror as the metal broke off in a split second. The clouds then covered up the view once more, and all he could do was wonder what was happening.

Then, a miracle. Saphira lifted up the plane and kept it from crashing into the island below. "Thanks," Eragon said. However, Saphira ignored him and the weight of the plane made her give up.

The aircraft made a splash in the water. "Arya!" Eragon called. "Arya!"

"I'm right behind you, retard." Eragon turned to see Arya standing on a rock with Saphira behind her.

"Okay, never mind." Eragon looked at the nearby island. "Where are we?"

Arya shrugged. "I don't know, but we need to rest."

"Good thing we have my awesome vintage umbrella," Eragon said.

"I knew we should have just flown here by ourselves." Saphira snorted.

"But then we wouldn't have this happy bonding time!" Eragon hugged them. Arya broke free of his grip and slapped him in the face. Eragon put a hand to his cheek and said, "You're right, that was stupid."

Arya beamed. "Yes I am. Anyway, let's go to the island. There might be some people there." The Randomes swam over to the island. Eragon let out a sigh of relief.

"Well, what do you know? There's a building here," Saphira commented. "Eragon, ring the doorbell." Eragon did so, and the skies grew dark.

"I don't think that's a good thing," Arya muttered. She gasped as the door opened. No one was there. An eerie silence hung in the air.

"Ooh, I love a spooky theme! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I'm gonna steal your soul!!!!"

"You alone scare me," Eragon retorted to the author.

"Uh, yeah. Whatever, I get that a lot. Now go fulfill your destiny—IN THE LAIR!! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!1!1!!one111!!!!!11eleven!!!!SHIFT+one1!!!!!!!!!!"

"Uh, no comment," Arya said as she stepped into the building.

"Arya! Wait!" Eragon ran over to her.

"What is it now, you Legend of Zelda wannabe?"

"Ooh, Legend of Zelda wannabe, that's cold." Eragon shivered to show his point.

"Just get on with it! I'm losing my temper!"

"Uh, oh yeah. In order to train your reflexes, I will hit you when you least expect it, like in the Pink Panther."

"I'm not your sidekick, kid. I'm ninety years older than you."

"Well, for purposes of the plot—wait, what? OH MY GOD!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE TWENTY!!!! Darn it, there go my perverted fantasies."

Arya questioningly raised an eyebrow.

"Let's get on with the plot," Eragon managed to get out. He walked forward a bit, and gestured for Arya and Saphira to follow. "Come on!"

"Fine." Arya walked up to him. He tried to hit her, but she caught his wrist and threw him into a wall. The wall cracked.

"Woah. That's cool." Eragon fainted. The crack in the wall grew, and the wall fell down, revealing a secret passageway.

"It appears that when you kill Eragon, something good seems to happen," Saphira observed.

"That's the point."

"Ah."

Arya smiled, then picked up Eragon. She went into the opening in the wall. Saphira followed.

"It's kind of dark here," Saphira seemed uneasy.

Arya squinted to see better. "Look, there's a computer." She ran over and turned on the monitor.

A dark, monotone voice said, "You dare enter my lair?"

"Arya!" Saphira warned. "Don't go near that thing!"

Arya ignored her. She turned to the computer. "Who is this?"

"I am the evil lord, the king of technology," the voice replied. "I am…Microsoft Sam."

Arya stared, and burst out laughing.

Microsoft Sam lowered his voice. "Do not judge me, flesh being. I have powers. I have mind. I have stealth. And for entering my lair, I will kill you." A beeping sound started up, and death contraptions fell from the ceiling. "Ha ha ha SWUH SWUH SWUH SWUH!!!"

"I'll take this clown on," Arya said. Eragon leapt to his feet. "How did you do that?" Arya asked him.

"I recover shortly after death."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"That's the point."

"Whatever. DUCK!" Arya jumped out of the way of a—a—what do you call those things? You know, those—never mind. Eragon groaned as it hit him and knocked him across the room.

He landed on the ground with a thud. Trying to get up, Eragon cut his hand on something. "Ow!" he cried. "Hey, look, a ninja sword. It even shoots flames and ice. Awesome." He picked up the sword and got up.

Meanwhile, Arya dodged the jagged metal that was being fired at her. "Come on, you hunk of silicon, is that the best you can do?"

"No," Sam replied. "I can do better. Behold my ROFLCOPTER!!" A giant helicopter with the word ROFL on its top blades rose. The wind it created blew apart the building, with only Arya, Saphira, Eragon, and Sam remaining. "Let's see if you can live the next few minutes! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Sam laughed.

A feminine voice, also monotone, said, "Sam, was that really necessary?"

Sam stopped laughing. "Darn it Anna, you ruin everything."

Eragon smiled. "Just like some people I know." Arya slapped him. "I was talking about Stephanie Meyer! God!" Eragon shielded his face.

"Oh, by the way, where did you get that sword?" Arya asked.

"I found it."

"Eragon, aren't most swords you find that way so powerful that you could sink entire islands?"

"Good idea. Arya, get on Saphira."

"Why?"

"Just do it!" Arya did so, and Eragon held up the sword and said, "SWORD, I CALL THEE! MAY YOUR POWER BE USED TO FLOOD THIS HELL!"

The air around Eragon began to move in a spiral. It went faster. And faster. It howled hard and the waves began to beat on the shore with great force. Then it all stopped.

"Darn it." Eragon looked at his sword. "Stupid hunk of metal. Anyways, let's just get out of here." He climbed on Saphira.

"NOT SO FAST!" hollered Sam. "DIE!!!" The ROFLcopter started up.

"GO!!" Eragon yelled to Saphira. She got up and flew. A few minutes passed, and fog shrouded them.

"I think we lost them," panted Arya. Then she heard it.

Everyone heard it. "SWUH SWUH SWUH XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!" The ROFLcopter was not far behind.

"FASTER!" Eragon screamed.

"Do you think I can go any faster!?" Saphira snorted angrily.

"Sorry."

"Just kidding, I can go faster." Suddenly Saphira flew excruciatingly fast. The ROFLcopter disappeared.

"Thanks," sighed Eragon. But his relief soon turned to fear. The heli was going fast too, and it shot missiles.

"HOLY!!!!!!" Eragon felt that he might get a heart attack. However, Arya stayed calm. "I'll take care of this," she said. Then she jumped of Saphira.

"ARYA!!" Eragon cried. But it was too late. Arya evaded and, to Eragon's surprise, ran on top of the fired missiles. She took out some matches, set the missiles on fire, and watched as the missiles exploded behind her. She her way to the copter, and set the gas line on fire. It exploded.

"Oh my gosh," Saphira gasped. But Eragon squinted, and saw Arya's figure spring onto Saphira from the smoke.

"I'm back," she grinned.

"No, seriously. How did you set the matches on fire while the wind was blowing?"

"Eragon. Plot, logic, physics and a low carb diet have been things that this fanfiction has never followed. Kapeesh? Good."

"Guys, I can't fly forever. We should land." Saphira grunted in pain, and Eragon replied, "Okay. Do you see land?"

"There's the coastline over there. There might even be a village." Saphira landed, and Eragon and Arya got off. "Well, this looks like a job for…" Eragon began.

"No, don't say it," moaned Arya.

"This looks like a job for…"

"NO!! NO!!"

"…a job for…"

"If you say that stupid catchphrase one more time, you'll wake up with your teeth up your nose," Arya warned.

"Okay, fine." Eragon put his hands up. When she turned away, he stammered, "Thislookslikeajobforthesuperduperawesomeblueplastictent!!!"

Arya kicked Eragon in the—never mind. (Hint: There's two of them, and they're really small.)

"You guys are crazy," Saphira shook her head.

"Let's just set up camp," Arya muttered.

Eragon stared at her, and for a moment he thought her eyes glowed red.

xxXXxx

The next day, the Randomes set off on their quest. "Do you have a GPS?" Eragon asked Arya. He was a bit weak from the incident last night, but okay.

"No."

"Then how are we gonna get to Teirm?"

"We'll just fly," Saphira said.

"Can we just end the chapter and assume something happens during the transition?"

"Okay, but it has to end with a joke or else epic fail."

"Knock knock," Eragon said.

"Who's there?" Arya kept her eyes on the ground.

"Boo,"

"Boo who. I know you're not gonna eat me. Don't say it."

Five minutes passed. Then Eragon screamed, "OH MY GOD SHE CAN READ MINDS!!!!!!"

So here's the new story. I know it's starting off shabby (actually, expect the whole thing to be shabby). But it's better than the junk I started out with last time. So, yeah.

This story is gonna three part side plot, and one and a half part regular crazy plot. That's four and a half being the entire story. Yeah, not a nice even number. But whatever.

So thanks for reading. The reason it took two weeks isn't because I'm lazy (actually it is) but because I went to outdoor school (aka camp aka Walden West aka the awesomest place on earth). Luckily I got one of the cabins with bathrooms inside. :)

--salemmichi