Holding On and Letting Go
Hi guys! This is my first Criminal Minds fic! Needless to say, I do not own any of these characters. I really wanted to write about Reid and the loss of Maeve. Please read on and enjoy! (The title is inspired by the song "Holding on and Letting Go" by Ross Copperman. I listened to it while writing this and I think it works really well with Reid's grief)
"Dance with me" she asked with the sweetest of eyes. She held her hand out to him.
Reid looked at her, struggling hard not to accept her offer.
Oh no. Stop. Spencer, stop. Wake up. Come on, wake up!
Reid jolted up from his couch, eyes bloodshot, heart beating fast, and the remnants of tears on his face. He touched his cheeks. Damp. It had been a week since the team had cleaned up his apartment, a week since putting her book on the shelf, since opening the curtains, since coming to work again. He thought all of those things would ease his pain and distract him. In reality, he felt it was pushing Maeve further into his subconscious, struggling to be noticed. Although he tried to keep her at bay, she was always there, and Spencer had no idea why.
This was the fourth time he let himself sleep since her death, and the third time he had dreamed of that scenario. The first time was the night of her death, when his dream was an endless loop of shooting, blood, crying. Her death replayed and replayed that night, over and over, inescapable and unbearable. That was when Reid decided not to sleep, out of fear of witnessing Maeve suffer. It was all too real, too painful. But he slipped into REM sleep about two months later, and this time, the dream was different. They were in a coffee shop, and after exchanging intellectual witty banter, she asks him to dance. And every time, it became harder and harder to wake up. Whenever the dream came to the part when she asked him to dance, asked him to touch her, to hold her, he just couldn't. He had to wake up. A part of Reid wanted to stay there forever, breathing her in, holding her, telling her that he…
Reid stood up, rubbed his eyes, and pushed back his hair. He walked slowly up to his tall living room window. He watched the people walking, holding hands, smiling. They all looked so happy, so at ease, as if they didn't care that a beautiful human being is missing from the world. Reid closed his curtains, and he cried softly. He thought he could do this. He thought he could walk away from this. Clearly not.
He eyed his bookshelf, where the single pink and white spine stood. Every time he passed by it, day after day, his eyes struck the book heavily, without fail. He wanted to bring it with him everywhere, to keep Maeve with him everywhere, but he knew he couldn't. Heart still pounding, Reid walked to the shelf, struggled to pick up the book, and eyed the cover. His hands were shaking as he held it tightly, remembering every work she spoke verbatim in a shuffle of memories.
And, as if on cue, there was a knock at the door, followed by an abrupt opening, and there in the doorway, stood Jenifer Jareau, case file in hand, to deliver an important piece of evidence regarding the case at hand, all of which dropped as she saw her friend at the other end of the room... and what he was holding. "Reid!" she yelped. He looked up at her weakly. JJ slowly put her bag down and closed the door. "Reid… put it down" she said, trying to keep calm to her voice. Reid looked back down. There, in his hand, wasn't a book, but a vial of Dilaudid and a filled syringe. He looked up at the bookshelf. There was the pink and white spine, still where he left it a week ago. His heart beat faster as he stared blankly at the vial, unable to explain. JJ walked up to him slowly. "Reid" she said softly, in response to his silence. She took the vial and the syringe, her friend showing no struggle. Once she had them, JJ disposed of them in the bathroom, flushing the remains of the vial. When she returned, Reid was still standing, this time, turned around to face her.
"I- I'm so sorry JJ" he said, his eyes pleading for forgiveness. She walked to embrace her hurting friend. As she hugged him, he buried his face in her shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" he said, crying, head still down. JJ was struggling not to tear up, for Reid's sake. "Oh Reid, don't be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for" she said, rubbing his back as they stood.
After a moment, JJ let him go. The sight of a disheveled, crying Reid panged her with guilt. She had seen him like this before. For 10 weeks she had seen this, and her failure to tell Reid the truth about Prentiss almost drove him to use again. She wouldn't let it happen now. She was here. The young doctor looked down in shame. JJ put her hands on Reid's arms softly as she tried to look him in the eye. Reid stared at his shoes as JJ asked him "Reid, I need you to tell me… Is this the first time?" Eyes and head still down, Reid nodded. "So, since Maeve," Reid blinked hard at the sound of her name, "you haven't used Dilaudid?" she asked, still trying to make sure. There was a pause. "Reid?" she asked, very soft, trying not to upset her fragile friend. He shook his head as he pushed his hair back, still trying to compose himself as JJ questioned him. He walked to the couch and sat down, arms on his knees, hair hanging over his eyes. Once he left her line of sight, JJ saw the pink and white book on the shelf. She sighed and turned around.
"Reid, I know it's hard. But how would using again help?" she asked, more to herself than to Reid. At her realization, and the silence that followed, she answered herself, "by… numbing the pain" she sighed again. At this, Reid tightened his eyes. JJ sat next to him, noticing his slouched back and trembling hands. After a moment, Reid spoke. "I realized, after Maeve, that distraction was useless, because even immersing myself in work reminded me of her. Everything does, JJ. And I don't know how to make it stop. I just want to make it stop" he said, crying once again. JJ wiped a tear away quickly and sniffed sharply. "I also realized, that I had never felt this much pain, this much hurt since… since Tobias." JJ, who had been looking straight ahead, now looked at Reid, whose eyes were still stapled to the ground. Wow, she thought. They all knew about how that ordeal affected their young coworker. It had been six years, but every now and again, JJ noticed a flinch, a sigh, a wince from Spence whenever a case involved DID or drug abuse. "At first, I didn't want to take Dilaudid out of fear I would tarnish my memories of Maeve by flushing them out with drugs. I was afraid it would take the meaning out of her death by bombarding it with dumb high relief" he continued. "So, you wanted to respect her by grieving fully. I understand" said JJ, trying to reaffirm Reid. "Yeah, but… lately I can't distinguish between grieving, and just empty wallowing pain. Grieving is natural, I know, but this just doesn't feel like it. I don't know what this is, JJ. I can't think, I can't sleep, I can't work without these dull throbbing memories. I- I just can't function properly. Shes everywhere I look JJ. And what's worse is I know exactly how to make it stop. I can stop this easily, but I know... that I can't. This shouldn't be grief. This isn't mourning. It's too painful to be grief, this is just... just" he trailed off, frustrated with himself, his voice now loud and begging for answers.
"Hey, hey. Reid", JJ said gently, trying to calm him down. She put her hand on his back and stroked him slowly. A few more tears trailed off his eyes and on the floor as he shakily breathed in and out. "This is grief, Reid. And grief sucks, but it's something we all need to go through. It's the first step in the healing process. You know that. You're a genius remember?" she said lightly, trying to provoke a small smile from her friend. "I never got to tell her I loved her, JJ" he said, broken. At those words, JJ's heart dropped and her slight smile faded. She couldn't imagine never having told Will she loved him if something ever happened, god forbid. Reid had never even held her, never touched her. Oh God she thought. Oh Reid. JJ breathed in sharply. "She knew, Reid. She knew" was all she could say. The look in Maeve's eyes just before she died said it all. JJ could clearly see that she loved this man and he loved her, if only there was more time.
"I just… don't know what to do" he said as JJ put her arms around him. "Just tell me what to do, JJ" he muffled, quietly sobbing into her shirt. She wiped a tear away from her face as she shakily said, "This. This is what you need to do, Reid." He continued to cry, and so did JJ as the minutes passed, every sadness he felt, melting away through tears, and on the shoulder of a friend.
So there you go! Reid is my little baby and the writers just seem to tear him apart :( I hope you liked this fic… and if you did, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review! It would mean a lot. Thank you all!