Whee! This is my first attempt at a humor story for Final Fantasy VII. In
case anybody is wondering, this was done in collaboration with my friend
Ode2Joy who is writing a similar group of stories involving Lord of the
Rings characters. Let me know what you think of this insane commercial.
If it is well liked I'll continue to make more.
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any of its characters. I do own the idea of a candy cane that doubles as a bazooka, however.
Yuffie's Lethal Candy Canes
(Scene opens with a family joyfully sitting around the Christmas Tree on Christmas Eve. In the background a very beautiful and thought provoking version of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" played on chimes is oozing from their stereo)
Woman in an overacted and over-enthusiastic voice: Here Kristen! You can open one of your presents tonight since you were such a good girl all year!
(Kristen grabs the parcel with a huge fake smile)
Kristen: Gee thanks, Mom! You're swell!
(Kristen tears open the gift with the intensity of a badger on crack)
Man: What did you get, dear?
(Kristen holds up a teddybear with a candycane in its arms)
Kristen now overacting so much that it seems her eyes are about to burst: Oh my gosh! I love it! You two are the best parents ever!
(There is a sweeping shot of the family looking at each other and smiling in a similar manner to the animatronics at Disneyland)
(Suddenly the stereo spontaneously combusts causing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" to sound all warped and disturbing. Directly after, noises are heard on the roof)
Kristen: What was that, Mom?
Woman: Looks like Santa heard you were a good little girl this year!
Kristen: Yay!
(Santa flomps down the chimney and lands in their fireplace holding a sniper rifle)
Santa in a cheesy tone commonly heard in action movies: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
(Kristen chucks the candy cane the teddy bear was holding at him in a last form of defense, but it bounces off of his tummy with a hilariously corny "boing" noise that has been edited in)
(Santa the shoots rifle and the scene freezes and turns to black and white with the bullet in midair)
(Yuffie Kisaragi walks in very solemnly)
Yuffie: Unknown to most, accidents like this happen every year. The executives at Boscov's try to hide it, as not to lose support for their parade, but it was only a matter of time before the truth was revealed.
(Yuffie picks up a normal candycane like the one Kristen threw at Santa and snaps it in half)
Yuffie: Normal candycanes are frail, and although tasty, could not protect you in this most dire situation. But not to fear! There is still a way to fight off that vicious, bearded savage! Introducing Yuffie's Lethal Candy Canes!
(Yuffie smiles and holds up a gigantic candy cane the width of a small tree trunk that is hollowed out to resemble a bazooka)
Yuffie: Yuffie's Lethal Candy Canes were developed by leading scientists in the field of Candy Ballistics and have received 24 US patents!
(Scene cuts to Hojo sitting in his office eating a Lethal Candy Cane)
Hojo: Look at me! I'm a scientist in a white lab coat! Therefore you should trust everything I say, even if I'm not competent or might even just be an actor! And you know what? (swings his arm like a yokel) Yuffie's Lethal Candy Canes get an SAT score of 1600 in deliciousness!
(Scarlet walks into the office)
Scarlet: Hojo, can I borrow-
(Hojo turns around and launches missiles out of the bazooka-like treat leaving a smoldering crater where Scarlet once stood. Hojo smiles at the camera and gives a big thumbs up as the scene fades back to Yuffie in the family's living room)
Yuffie: So if you want to be safe this holiday season.
(Scene unfreezes and we see little Kristen dodge Santa's bullet in a blatant Matrix rip off as Yuffie hands her a Lethal Candy Cane. Kristen fires the Lethal Candy Cane at Santa and after the smoke clears, the next thing you see is a smoking pair of boots.)
Yuffie: Buy Yuffie's Lethal Candy Canes!
(Yuffie turns to the family and they get in a circle and begin to hum "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" like in "A Charlie Brown Christmas")
(As the commercial is fading out Yuffie stops singing and turns to the camera, talking so fast you can barely understand her)
Yuffie: Yuffie's Lethal Candy Canes are illegal in all of the 48 contiguous states for attempts at incinerating George Bush in a fiery wave of holiday cheer.
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any of its characters. I do own the idea of a candy cane that doubles as a bazooka, however.
Yuffie's Lethal Candy Canes
(Scene opens with a family joyfully sitting around the Christmas Tree on Christmas Eve. In the background a very beautiful and thought provoking version of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" played on chimes is oozing from their stereo)
Woman in an overacted and over-enthusiastic voice: Here Kristen! You can open one of your presents tonight since you were such a good girl all year!
(Kristen grabs the parcel with a huge fake smile)
Kristen: Gee thanks, Mom! You're swell!
(Kristen tears open the gift with the intensity of a badger on crack)
Man: What did you get, dear?
(Kristen holds up a teddybear with a candycane in its arms)
Kristen now overacting so much that it seems her eyes are about to burst: Oh my gosh! I love it! You two are the best parents ever!
(There is a sweeping shot of the family looking at each other and smiling in a similar manner to the animatronics at Disneyland)
(Suddenly the stereo spontaneously combusts causing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" to sound all warped and disturbing. Directly after, noises are heard on the roof)
Kristen: What was that, Mom?
Woman: Looks like Santa heard you were a good little girl this year!
Kristen: Yay!
(Santa flomps down the chimney and lands in their fireplace holding a sniper rifle)
Santa in a cheesy tone commonly heard in action movies: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
(Kristen chucks the candy cane the teddy bear was holding at him in a last form of defense, but it bounces off of his tummy with a hilariously corny "boing" noise that has been edited in)
(Santa the shoots rifle and the scene freezes and turns to black and white with the bullet in midair)
(Yuffie Kisaragi walks in very solemnly)
Yuffie: Unknown to most, accidents like this happen every year. The executives at Boscov's try to hide it, as not to lose support for their parade, but it was only a matter of time before the truth was revealed.
(Yuffie picks up a normal candycane like the one Kristen threw at Santa and snaps it in half)
Yuffie: Normal candycanes are frail, and although tasty, could not protect you in this most dire situation. But not to fear! There is still a way to fight off that vicious, bearded savage! Introducing Yuffie's Lethal Candy Canes!
(Yuffie smiles and holds up a gigantic candy cane the width of a small tree trunk that is hollowed out to resemble a bazooka)
Yuffie: Yuffie's Lethal Candy Canes were developed by leading scientists in the field of Candy Ballistics and have received 24 US patents!
(Scene cuts to Hojo sitting in his office eating a Lethal Candy Cane)
Hojo: Look at me! I'm a scientist in a white lab coat! Therefore you should trust everything I say, even if I'm not competent or might even just be an actor! And you know what? (swings his arm like a yokel) Yuffie's Lethal Candy Canes get an SAT score of 1600 in deliciousness!
(Scarlet walks into the office)
Scarlet: Hojo, can I borrow-
(Hojo turns around and launches missiles out of the bazooka-like treat leaving a smoldering crater where Scarlet once stood. Hojo smiles at the camera and gives a big thumbs up as the scene fades back to Yuffie in the family's living room)
Yuffie: So if you want to be safe this holiday season.
(Scene unfreezes and we see little Kristen dodge Santa's bullet in a blatant Matrix rip off as Yuffie hands her a Lethal Candy Cane. Kristen fires the Lethal Candy Cane at Santa and after the smoke clears, the next thing you see is a smoking pair of boots.)
Yuffie: Buy Yuffie's Lethal Candy Canes!
(Yuffie turns to the family and they get in a circle and begin to hum "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" like in "A Charlie Brown Christmas")
(As the commercial is fading out Yuffie stops singing and turns to the camera, talking so fast you can barely understand her)
Yuffie: Yuffie's Lethal Candy Canes are illegal in all of the 48 contiguous states for attempts at incinerating George Bush in a fiery wave of holiday cheer.