Taking the Matter Into His Own Hands
(The First Time AU)
Kurt looked at himself in the mirror and sighed. He'd done the best he could, but he wasn't a magician, and there really was no hiding the fact that he was tired to the bone. Hopefully people would focus on that, though, and miss the fact that he was... Reeling. Hurt. Shocked. Scared. Ashamed.
So many things, and he with the energy for none of them.
He cast an unnecessary glance at his phone. Nothing. Still. He hadn't heard from Blaine since the other boy stomped out of the parking lot hours earlier, and the fear made his stomach turn.
What if Blaine's silence was because he didn't want to be Kurt's boyfriend any longer? What if Kurt's rejection the night before hadn't just driven Blaine away temporarily, but permanently, and into Sebastian Smythe's willing, greedy arms?
Or what if it was something even worse – what if something had actually happened? The thought of accidents, and Blaine lying hurt or dead in a ditch somewhere forced Kurt to swallow down bile. It would be a valid reason for his texts to go unanswered though.
No. He wouldn't think like that – he couldn't allow himself to. He'd go to school, and Blaine would be there – unharmed – and they'd fix this. They always fixed things.
Blaine's parents will be away this weekend, he remembered. We could go there, together, after the show, and...
So, it wouldn't be like his (slightly exaggerated and silly) dream scenario, but it would be a lot better that the backseat of his car, and it would be him and Blaine.
And surely Blaine would forget all about the would-be boyfriend stealer once they'd become lovers. Right?
Right?
A tendril of something ran through him at the thought of sleeping with Blaine – a very different something than usual. He didn't want to examine it, didn't want to analyze, or even think, wanted in fact to just ignore it. It was only natural for him to feel a little differently about having sex now, when it was a real option. Now that it had almost happened... Sure, the frantic minutes in his backseat hadn't exactly been what he'd imagined, not even when he tried his hardest to be realistic, but it was life. Wasn't it?
And yeah, okay, he felt a little less ready now than he had just 24 hours ago, but it wasn't like he could just step back. He had been the one to bring up the possibility of sex. He had been the one wanting to move forward. Blaine had only acted on Kurt's words, and that meant it wasn't Blaine's fault that things had gotten out of hand. It had been a misunderstanding. He'd led his boyfriend on, and now he needed to make things right.
A chirp from his phone shook him out of his thoughts. Not a text, no, but the alarm reminding him he needed to leave for school. Kurt sighed, grabbed his bag and exited his room.
"Kurt? Come here would you?"
Dad? But he's not due home until tonight! The fact that Burt Hummel was out of town had been what had made Kurt agree to go out in the end. He'd known he wouldn't get caught. And now, apparently his dad had come come early.
There was something in his father's voice that set of his alarms. It was the tone, he thought, that alerted him to there being...something off. There was something his dad wanted to talk about, and while Kurt would be willing to bet it wasn't something really bad – like say health issues – it was still serious.
Coming into the kitchen he quickly searched his dad's face for clues, and yes. Serious. In fact...Maybe he shouldn't have been so quick to write off the health issues.
"Dad? You're back early. Are you...are you okay?"
And damn it, his voice was shaking. Not a lot, but enough.
"Yeah, kiddo, I'm fine. No need to worry about me, do you hear? Good. Now, you on the other hand... Kurt, I saw you come home last night and you looked rough. You're not looking that much better now, to be honest. I thought you were with Blaine yesterday?"
Kurt squirmed, then nodded. He hated lying to his dad, had only ever done it reluctantly about his sexuality and the bullying – and after the death threat and the transfers he'd promised to never do it again.
That didn't mean that he didn't want to. Badly.
"Did the two of you fight? Because I wasn't kidding about how bad you looked."
"Yeah, we did, but it'll be okay. We just need to talk. We'll be fine." They had to.
"Well, talk to me first. And don't try to tell me you're late for school, we both know you've still got half an hour."
There really was no way around it, and so he talked. He tried to keep the details vague – not telling everything, glossing over facts was not lying – but soon got trapped, and ended up having to ask pointed questions, his dad circling closer and closer to what had happened.
The expression on his dad's face grew darker and darker, and Kurt began to feel actual fear. What he'd done was wrong and stupid, yes, but for his dad to look like that?
He swallowed, fighting back the rising panic. This was bad.
"Dad? I... I'm sorry. It was stupid, going out like that. I won't do it again, I promise."
The fury now practically rolling off of Burt Hummel didn't lessen – quite the opposite.
"You think I'm angry about you lying and sneaking around? Yeah, okay, I am but that's not the point here. First, Blaine clearly has a problem with alcohol, and he needs to get help."
What?
"What, dad, no! Blaine does not have a problem, he just–"
"Kurt." The "no nonsense" voice. "This isn't the first time he gets drunk and stupid, is it? That time I found him in your bed, after Rachel's party? It was obvious he was hung over, and don't think I didn't find out what he did at that party."
Kurt deflated. When put like that, it sounded bad. And yeah, okay, maybe... No. Not "maybe". You know Blaine shouldn't drink. His subconscious was really annoying at times – mostly because it was right. Still
"Okay, yes, he does really stupid things when he drinks, and he probably– No, he shouldn't drink. Okay, I get that. But it's not that bad, dad, really." It couldn't be.
"Not that bad? Kurt. I know you love him, and I can understand if that makes you blind for some of his flaws, but kid. This is one time you can't allow that."
His dad took a deep breath, and did that thing that Kurt knew mean he was psyching himself up to saying something Kurt wouldn't like.
"Blaine got drunk, and sexually assaulted you, and you're standing here, acting like you're the one in the wrong."
The words felt like a slap to the face, and Kurt felt his stomach turn.
"Wha-what? No! Dad, no, he didn't– it was just–"
"Kurt. Listen to me. You just told me he tried to force you, physically, to have sex and that when you told him no – repeatedly – he ignored you. Then, when you pushed him away he got pissed at you. The way you're describing his actions? He could just as easily have hit you and then tried again."
He couldn't believe what his dad was saying. This was Blaine, Blaine who loved him, who'd never hurt him, and it was just too much.
"It wasn't sexual assault, dad!"
Saying the words made him feel nauseous – saying them about himself regarding the boy he loved? Once more it took all he had not to throw up.
"Really? How about this, Kurt? Mercedes tells you her boyfriend tried to have sex with her, refusing to listen to her saying no, getting handsy. That okay with you? Or would you be telling her to not see him again and press charges?"
And it was not fair, because no way would he ever allow one of his girls to be treated badly and his dad knew it, but that didn't make what happened with him and Blaine–
He found himself opening his mouth, more protests spilling out, only to fall silent in the middle of a sentence when his dad glared.
"And the fact that you're a guy and that you're dating him doesn't change anything, kiddo. The second you said no everything he did became sexual assault. 'No means no' isn't just for girls – it's for everyone. The only reason he wouldn't be in trouble legally if you went to the police is that Lima P.D. doesn't exactly pride themselves on treating gay related crimes seriously."
A shadow passed over Burt Hummel's face.
"Remember what you mom and I told you about how we met?" and Kurt's blood ran cold, because surely his dad wasn't saying– "Well, there's a little more to the story. We met at a party, just like we told you, but I was too nervous to approach her."
"Instead I just stood there, watching her across the room, trying to not come off as a creep. And then I saw her trying to drag some guy off her friend, her very unwilling friend. I helped pull him off, and scare him away, and then I made sure they both got home safely. After that it was a lot easier to ask her out."
"The point is, your mom? If she was here to listen to this she'd be furious. And I mean 'going after Blaine with a chainsaw' furious. That you and Blaine are dating, and that he says he loves you... It wouldn't have mattered to her, no more than it mattered that her friend was drunk and wearing a short skirt."
"Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Kurt didn't know if he really did understand, if he wanted to, but he nodded anyway, not wanting to continue the talk. His dad saw right through him though.
"Right. Take some time, and think about this. Both about what I've said and what happened. But Kurt? The only reason I'm not demanding you not see Blaine again is that you're 18. I can't stop you from dating him. He is, however, not welcome in this house. Also, I don't want you to be alone with him at his house either. At the very least until he gets his drinking problem in order – because it is a problem."
"I know I can't make you obey, but if I find out you've gone there without his parents being home I'll have to talk to them. Both about the drinking and the assault."
Kurt felt his heart jump in his chest. That...would be a really bad idea. Blaine's parents loved him, they did, but they didn't know how to deal with him. Something like this could easily destroy their shaky relationship.
"Dad! This, this isn't you. Why are you being so hard on Blaine? I know you don't care this much about teenagers drinking, you never have!"
"Why am I–? Kurt, that you even have to ask that scares me, okay? But okay. If it had been just about the drinking, if he'd gotten drunk and say thrown up on a teacher's shoes" and Kurt averted his eyes, because he'd hoped his dad hadn't heard, and that he'd never have to be reminded of that incident again "then I would have been willing to let it slide. But he hurt you. He tried to ra– assault you, and that I can't let slide."
Kurt felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up, feeling raw and shaken.
"I'm not trying to be a hard-ass here, kiddo. I'm trying to protect you. If anyone else than Blaine had done that to you, well, I'd be out there right now ripping that person's throat out. And don't try and tell me I can't say that, because that comes with the territory. Being a parent means protecting your kids, even when they don't think they need it – and sometimes especially then."
"Fine. I heard what you said, I promise to think about it and I promise to not be alone with him for a while. For you. You know that, don't you? That I'm doing this for your sake, not because I'm scared of him or anything. Okay?"
"Sure, kiddo. I'd be happier if you did it for you, but I'll take what I can. Because Kurt? The thing is, how people treat us? Sometimes it's how we teach them to treat us. If you let Blaine do this, without consequences, then you're teaching him that it's okay. That he doesn't have to listen to you. That if you say 'no' it doesn't really mean anything, that he doesn't have to bother with it."
"Is that you want, Kurt? A relationship where your boyfriend thinks he can do what he wants to you regardless of what you want? Remember that talk we had last year? Because it seems like you've forgotten. I haven't though, and I meant it. You do matter. And crawling back to the boyfriend that assaulted you is not letting yourself matter."
Those words echoed in Kurt's head as he drove himself to school, no matter how much he tried to erase them. "Crawling back". "Assault." "Letting yourself matter." It was such a relief to walk inside the busy, noisy school building, and to see his boyfriend waiting by his locker.
Good. Now they could talk. They'd both apologize, promise to do better in the future... He wouldn't say anything about his dad's demands though, not until things had settled and he'd found a good way to express it.
"Kurt! Look, about yesterday. I shouldn't have stormed off. I was drunk, and I'm sorry. You were right, our first time shouldn't be like that."
Kurt nodded. That was a good start, and he felt his fears begin to melt away. He'd allow Blaine to finish speaking, then he'd add his own apologies, and then things would be good again. He waited. Except Blaine didn't continue speaking, just looked at him expectantly.
Wait, was that it? That's his apology? What about everything else? And then he reeled himself in. Blaine really wasn't any good at these things. Especially not in public, and the halls of McKinley tended to make him even more drawn back. Okay, so they would have to continue this somewhere else then, maybe go to his– Right.
The Lima Bean then, or the choir room. Yes, they'd technically be breaking the rules, but they'd still be in school, and there was a window in the door. Surely that'd be okay for this.
"Okay, I–"
"Great! I knew you'd understand. My parents are away this weekend, and I thought we could go over after the show tomorrow night. Have a late dinner, maybe try something new..."
And the way Blaine said those words made it obvious that he wasn't referring to new food, and this was good, wasn't it? It was what Kurt himself had planned out, less than an hour ago, and so he opened his mouth to agree.
Instead what came out was "Blaine? My dad doesn't want me to see you any longer."
"What?" And he watched Blaine's temper flare, quickly swallowing a gasp of fear. Huh. He'd never been afraid of Blaine before, with the exception of those minutes in the Scandals' parking lot. But now he was.
"Why?" Did he really ask that? And then he saw Blaine's eyes light up with understanding. "You told him? Why would you do that?"
"Yeah, I told him. When he agreed to let me come back to McKinley one of the conditions was that I didn't lie to him about what was going on, no matter how bad I thought it would be for his heart. This wasn't an exception."
"You're not allowed in the house, and he doesn't want me going anywhere alone with you. He told me he can't force us to break up, or not see each other in school, but otherwise... He has a few things he can do to punish me if I go against him, plus if we do, he'll go talk to your parents." Which you won't like went unsaid, but should have been clear.
"He can't do that! I never thought your dad would–"
"My dad would do a lot of things if he thought it was what was best for me. As far as he's concerned his number one priority is making sure I'm safe, and happy." And Kurt was beginning to see where his dad was coming from now.
"I think he's right. I didn't at first, but Blaine? Do you realize you haven't even said you're sorry? Sure, you said I was right about our first time not being in a car, but that was it. What about the rest of it?"
"What about apologizing for getting drunk, or being all over Sebastian for most of the night?"
"What about pulling me down, and holding me there when I wanted to get free?"
"What about refusing to listen to me when I said no and asked you to stop?"
"What about me having to fight my way free, and you getting angry with me for doing it? Am I just supposed to forget about that?"
He took a deep, shaky breath. His hands were trembling, and there was a faint taste of bile at the back of his throat. Oh. He wasn't as okay as he'd told himself – and his dad – he was then.
"I think you should talk to someone. And I don't want you to drink anymore, not until you're a hundred percent sure you won't get out of control again. In fact, you drinking? It's kind of a deal breaker. I don't like who you become when you drink, and I don't feel safe when you do."
And wasn't that a scary revelation? He hadn't allowed himself to think that before, but there it was.
"And Blaine? I spent a lot of energy this morning talking my dad out of going to your parents about it. Please don't make me regret that. Also, I need you to deal with your fascination with Sebastian. I don't like him, and I don't trust him, and honestly I'd prefer if you didn't hang out with him."
"Are you serious? I can't believe you're trying to control me! After everything I've done, after I transferred to be with you?"
And there, the truth came out. He'd feared Blaine would pull out the transfer card if they ever got into a serious fight, he'd just hoped it wouldn't come to that.
"This isn't about trying to control you, Blaine, it's not. It's just me being honest with you. I really don't like Sebastian. I don't like how he looks at you, and talks about you, and I'd feel a lot better if you weren't around him. But. If you want to be his friend, then you can, absolutely. Just– Make sure he knows that's what it is, friends. Don't let him flirt. Don't let him trash-talk me – because he does. Don't even try to deny it, Blaine. Maybe he isn't as blatant about it when he talks to you – I really, really hope he isn't – as he is to my face, but the things he says? They're not okay. And you shouldn't think so either."
He swallowed, and continued, proud that the shaking he was feeling inside didn't carry over in his voice.
"And if you can't– If you don't want to make him act like a friend, and a friend only? Maybe then we need to have a talk about what that means."
"Now you're breaking up with me, over this? You were the one who wanted to take things further, Kurt!"
"And you were the one that said masturbating worked just as fine! Besides, wanting to move on to the next base, to actually touch below the waist, is completely different from" rape "what you did. But I'm not breaking up with you, I'm not. I just– I think we need some time. I need some time. And I need for you to think about what happened, and why."
The rage in Blaine's face didn't disappear, just grew. He had that stubborn look, the one where he was going to keep doing things his way, convinced that he was right and everyone else was wrong.
Maybe... Maybe he'd been wrong. Maybe he shouldn't be talking about a break, but about a breakup. What dad said... Is that what Blaine wants, for me to crawl back to him? The thought hurt, but it also sounded true. Blaine might not see it exactly like that, like he was expecting Kurt to crawl at his feet, but the thought was hitting a little too close to home. He might not ask for it, but I don't think he would turn it down either...
"Just... Please. I love you, I do, but I can't be with you this way. Not when the thought of you drinking scares me. Not when I feel as if you think what happened yesterday was okay, and I was the one in the wrong, when in reality it was as far from okay as it could possibly be. And not when I'm scared it'll happen again." Or that next time you'll decide to not try with me and go to Sebastian instead. And what about when I leave for college?
"And if you can't do this for me, then do it for yourself. You deserve to be better than that. Just... Come talk to me when you've made up your mind, okay?"
And before Blaine could go off, could say more hurtful things or trigger more painful realizations Kurt didn't have the strength to deal with, he reached out, let his fingers trail down the curly-haired boy's cheek and forced a shaky smile on his lips.
Then he walked away, fighting down the tears. He might have made the right decision, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. Because it did, for so many reasons. Blaine had been everything he'd wanted, his "teenage dream", and now he was pretty sure that they were over. Yes, doing the right thing didn't always feel good.
As he rounded the corner he changed directions. French class started in less than five minutes, but he bypassed the door and instead walked to the guidance counselor's office.
"Miss Pillsbury? I was hoping you could help me out with something. I know it's more than a little last minute, but I need to find at least one more college to apply to. Don you have any good suggestions?"
It was time to stop worrying about small things, to stop twisting himself around in fear. Instead it was time for him to focus on himself, and his future – on the things that mattered.
~The End ~