James Bond drifted across the sea of stars, gazing down upon the filthy creatures which skittered across the pitiful rock called Earth.
Bond was tired of crimes, so he punched the Earth with a pickled dragon uterus, but the planet didn't believe in him, so the uterus exploded, turning Bond's arm into lasers and his lips into tornadoes!
Bond caught the sun making fun of him so he crushed it with his asscheeks then wiped the sun's guts on Le Chiffre while he was eating a donkey. Furious, Le Chiffre countered with a stream of demon blood from his tear duct. Bond drank the eyeblood, becoming more powerful, then ripped himself in half, the halves becoming two new James Bonds!
The Bonds argued over who is 007 since they can't both be 007. Le Chiffre kicked them both into Hell, where demonic books tried raping them but failed since books don't have genitals or hands, as the books were sucked into the unfathomable sub-hell while Satan sang of the futility of avarice.
Bond hated singing, so he swathed his fist in poison, drawn from the black heart of Le Chiffre, then punched his fist through Satan's stomach, ripping his entrails out which he punched through Le Chiffre's appendix, the entrails becoming poker chips made of blood and parkour which Le Chiffre fired back out of the punch wound, exploding him and Bond out of Hell and to Jupiter, while dark matter turned to fire and time itself became velocity!
Bond picked up the Earth then flung it at Le Chiffre, who deflected it with his eyescar where it slapped Bond on the rebound. James Bond realized he was a fairy, and sexually attracted to pterosaurs. Le Chiffre pulled out his pocketwatch, which was made of Dimitrio's nose, then ate it because it was also his supper. It tasted like soggy porn. Bond was also hungry so he plucked Mathis off of Earth and snacked on his puny mortal organsac as well, then smashed Le Chiffre with the Earth while he was off guard, but Le Chiffre revived himself by eating the planet Filgaia. Le Chiffre clawed a black hole into space from which he withdrew a younger M then shot his eye blood all over her, making her organs explode, which turned Bond's legs into acid and his testicles into knotted snakes!
Bond had enough of taxes and bigotry so he snatched the Magic Short Bus out of 5-dimensional space, punched it into the shape of a sword then thrust this weapon through Le Chiffre's tear duct, causing all of time and space to explode backwards in time and the galaxies to cry adrenaline while sub-hell imploded into a pitiful pool of crying lava. Bond gave a black hole a handjob while the king of crime, Rip-the-Blood, ate kids with ass cancer while running naked through a mall, pissing and shitting everywhere. Ducks exploded as they watched the scene, cackling with the energy to break all cosmic strings.
With the universe destroyed, Bond had nothing more to live for. He failed his life goal of converting the entire universe to scorpion sperm, so he lost the game and won only a mere bronze trophy, which wasn't even real bronze but golden orb weaver jizz slathered across a crude effigy of a commemorative award carved from compressed eagle feces. Bond would not have this! Bond was so enraged, he morphed into a lawyer. "OBJECTION!"
Bond's OBJECTION! reversed the flow of time long enough to undo the destruction of time and space. He revived the Earth by squirting Le Chiffre's eyeblood on its remnants, but the Earth still didn't believe in him so he dropkicked it into a chainsaw, pulverizing the rock into a shake which Bond took a swig of, then spit in Le Chiffre's face, fixing his eye and robbing him of his superpower. Le Chiffre retaliated by assailing Bond with poker chips, which weren't really poker chips because they were made of fetishistic sex and their value was not money but access to a universe where men were cockroaches with sticks for limbs and women were machines which looked like five Commodore 64 computers taped together, then glued to a crash cart. This universe was also home of the dewhickey race, the ultimate rednecks, who subsisted entirely on moonshine and Mountain Dew and built their spaceships by biblical guidelines!
Bond earned 5 minutes of access to this world, which allowed for 546 dewhickeys to enter his world in their magical, time-warping arks, then beat him with shovels made of dead cats for not sleeping in his underwear. The dewhickey swarm was scattered by Le Chiffre, who ripped Bond's snakey balls off then fed them to the horde. That was gay, so the dewhickeys engaged in a deathmatch where the survivor was the straight one. Bond ripped Le Chiffre's eyes out and put them where his balls once were, where they morphed into a new set of testicles for slapping Vesper with. Le Chiffre regenerated his eyes by eating the rest of the poker chips. He and James Bond watched the bloodbath with one eye while the other eye watched Breakfast at Tiffany's.
None of the dewhickeys survived the deathmatch.
Bond and Le Chiffre realized no one is ever truly enemies, for all share the same multiverse and merely compete for the same resources which have been forfeited by billions of previous beings not unlike themselves in the grand scheme of existence.
The sex which ensued was so intense, it released a massive shock wave of life which restored all the damage their feuding did to the universe.
Le Chiffre didn't use protection. James Bond was buttpregnant!
Not ready to be a mom, Bond screamed then flew into the sun. Le Chiffre wanted this child, so he chased after his love, but the sun wouldn't let him in so Le Chiffre ripped out the sun's spleen then fed it to the space sharks. The sun apologized, so Le Chiffre made it a new spleen out of poker chips, then chased after Bond who was going to let the dewhickeys ferment his fetus into alcoholic Mountain Dew!
Le Chiffre withdrew his secret weapon, a gay porn magazine made of shame itself, then flung it at the dewhickey crowd. None could fight their repressed boners. They all killed each other out of mindless hate. The winner ripped his own liver out then threw it at Le Chiffre. Its juices turned him straight. He no longer wanted his child with Bond, so he went to push Bond down the stairway to heaven, but Bond changed his mind and wanted his baby so he caught Le Chiffre's foot, broke his leg off then ate it!
Arriving at the scene was M, wondering where the fuck her organs went. She scolded Bond, then smashed him and Le Chiffre both into poker chips which she added to her collection of compressed pissdiapers who fought for naught, the impact pushing Bond's baby out right before he was transmuted. Bond's baby, who survived premature birth, was adopted by a gay dewhickey couple. This family would move the dewhickey people to acceptance and peace instead of constant civil wars over shit no one cares about.
On M's knicknack shelf, the shameful chips cuddled in memoriam of days when they had genitals. They would eventually replace broken chips at Casino Royale, like all the others who came before them.
But there was one they overlooked.
From the pitiful planet Le Chiffre hath flushed down the cosmic toilet came its only survivor. Ashley Winchester had escaped Le Chiffre's gut, and vowed revenge for his fallen planet!
Ashley broke into M's home, chopped her face off with his bayonet, then put it in the freezer, to save for later. He then proceeded to destroy all the pools, tubs, and toilets on the planet, because they threatened him.
M undid the curse on Bond, then promoted him to the mystical alien hunter rank, which uses imaginary numbers. James Bond is now agent 7i.
He entered the top secret alien hunter headquarters, where metal dragon skeletons and corpses of blue-haired people were being studied. His pistol would simply not do, so it was replaced with an ARM orphaned by one of the dead aliens, since regular guns just don't phase Filgaians. The ARM looked like his old pistol, except it was made from draconic metal with the power to blast through rock, necessary for piercing the silicon hide of the wastelander's virtually indestructible body composition. Bond was briefed on their weakness, deep bodies of water, since they are too dense to swim, and was advised to try drowning the alien since no Earthling had the power to fight his kind, shaped by a far deadlier planet than our own. They warned him to keep the intruder away from the desert at all costs. A desert creature, the alien needed to drink only once every two weeks. Bond would never survive a desert chase.
The secret service located Ashley. He was in a gun store, making fun of the pathetic armaments in some fucked up alien language no one could comprehend, the true native Filgaian tongue. It has no vowels, so Filgaianese is unspeakable by Earth people. He saw a railgun and it piqued his interest. He wanted to buy it for Brad, but remembered Brad got pooped out along with his wife, kids, and other friends by the poker chip in his ass pocket. He withdrew Le Chiffre with flames in his eyes, threw him on the ground, then stomped the chip into a fine powder which he shock-slided to sub-hell where the filthy bastard belonged. He then slashed the gun store clerk's throat with his bayonet as a sacrifice to the Life Guardian, reviving his homeworld and everyone living on it.
But Ashley was in trouble with Earth's people, and had no way to get home!
Bond kicked in the door to the gun store, brandishing his ARM, "The Silencer". Bond fired at Ashley but he used Accelerator and deflected the bullet with his Bayonet, the ricochet sending it through Bond's stomach. Ashley then smashed the freakishly heavy weapon into Bond's ribcage, breaking 6 ribs at once and sending him flying through the glass windows used to advertise the stock.
Bond ate the glass shards, healing his ribs, then threw The Silencer at Ashley's granite skull. It surprised him enough to make him drop his ARM, which Bond stole. It took all his strength to swing the thing, but he landed a hit with Ashley's gut, impaling him on his own weapon!
Ashley roared as he ripped the bayonet right back out then ate a purple berry which closed the wound in an instant. He leaped the counter, stole the railgun, then smacked Bond with it. Bond grabbed the bloody bayonet and used it to parry Ashley's swings, but he was losing ground and had to think fast. He bumped into his discarded ARM. Bond kicked his shoe off, grabbed the ARM by snagging the trigger with his toe, then kicked it at Ashley's face. It went off on contact, shooting Ashley's face off. The faceless alien screeched as he could no longer see his target. He started charging the railgun.
Bond scrambled to his feet, grabbed The Silencer, then made like a bat from sub-hell as the gigantic arc of lightning ripped across the street, blitzing three cars and five civilians. Ashley stuffed a Big Berry down his throat hole, which healed his face, then chased after Bond wielding the massive railgun. Despite its weight, Ashley ran freely, and was gaining on his prey. Bond passed a pond, so he threw the bayonet into the dreaded body of water, then scaled a building with his reclaimed agility.
Ashley was in hot pursuit. He pole-vaulted with the railgun after Bond, colliding with him in mid-climb and knocking them both back to the ground. Bond kicked Ashley in the testicles, but they were built sturdy and not sensitive to kicking, a testament to their fertility, so Bond hurt his foot instead.
Ashley bashed Bond with the railgun, splitting his skull open and drenching the weapon in his blood. But the swing left his gut exposed, so Bond shot Ashley through the gut with The Silencer, spraying a viscera of organs unknown to earthly men across the pavement. Some of the flesh landed on a patch of grass. The grass withered and died on contact.
Ashley screamed as he withdrew a Revive Fruit from his pocket, but Bond shot it out of his hand then shot his hand off. Bond got up then wrangled Ashley into submission, then threw him into the same pond his bayonet met its fate in. But Ashley's toxic blood seeped into Bond's skin, putting him in a coma.
Bond awoke several hours later in the alien hunter HQ. He was hooked up to tubes which led to a detoxing machine, and the wound on his head had been stitched. Next to him was Ashley, fully healed but restrained. Ashley was being interrogated. They were questioning him in Japanese, since he was bilingual in that language for some reason. A translator stood by, translating the alien's words into English.
Ashley went to explain his case, but was interrupted by the ceiling of the alien hunter HQ caving in. It was smashed by a landing spaceship. Off of the ship came Marina, who was wielding Brad's railgun and her eyes were tornadoes!
"LET MY HUSBAND GO!" she roared in Japanese, then fired at the inquisitors but missed since she didn't use Lock-On first. Bond ripped the tubes out of his arms then tried subduing Marina, but she was Filgaian and 10x stronger than any Earth man despite her apparently slight build. She effortlessly broke free from his grasp then headbutted him through a wall. Marina smashed the table which detained her husband then took off with him in her spaceship.
Bond would not let the bastard who killed his sweetheart get away.
He boarded one of the damaged spaceships being studied, ignoring the protests, then mashed buttons until the thing somehow made its way into the stars, but not before crashing into and killing five other alien hunter agents. He learned its controls quickly. Bond used the saved coordinates for Filgaia, setting a course for the distant rock. He was going to avenge the death of his love and the damage done to his people, no matter the cost.
Bond entered Filgaia's gravitational pull. He sent a comet hurtling towards it, which flattened Damzen and made all the carbunkles cry. Riding an upgraded bayonet which doubled as a witch's broom came Ashley, wielding the freeze-dried penis of Ragu o Ragla as his new ARM!
"Your people made my planet die!" Roared Ashley.
"And you saved it by killing one of ours, but not before snorting the love of my life! I must kill you!" James Bond withdrew The Silencer and shot the demonic cock out of Ashley's hand. It hit Ard on the head, fixing his speech impediment so he can pursue his dreams of becoming a public speaker, formerly made impossible by his one-word vocabulary.
Ashley caught a passing comet then punched it through Bond's face. Bond roared, ripped the comet out of his fractured skull, then threw it at a black hole, making the black hole implode and the dewhickeys go extinct. Ashley got off his flying bayonet and impaled a moon upon it, which he swung at Bond, knocking his flesh out of his body and into Filgaian orbit. The guts made the most beautiful meteor shower. Bond ate the other moon to regrow his organs then made a zanmato out of his eyelashes, which he cut Filgaia in half with. Bond headbutted one half into the mouth of a space gulper eel, which got indigestion so severe it vomited its organs on Ashley's head then exploded, showering Ashley in its vile, planetless flesh. The other half of Filgaia fell into the 4th dimension where it got stuck in a mobius wormhole.
Having lost his planet a second time, Ashley's face became lava and his thighs turned to ARMs. He cocked his thighs then kicked James Bond so hard, he exploded into a million pieces. Those pieces consumed dark matter to grow back into a million James Bonds!
These Bonds assembled themselves into the shape of one Bond so large it didn't fit in the universe, so the ones who formed the head died of nothingness. The giant headless Bond assimilated Ashley, but his alien matter sparked a drastic chain reaction, causing the entire mass to merge into an immeasurably gargantuan sphere of Bond ooze. Unable to retain its form due to its sheer surface area, the massive blob exploded, splattering every atom of matter in the universe with liquid Bond. The Bond matter reassembled again, this time in the form of one contiguous James Bond except his cells were galaxies and their atoms were star systems.
Earth is located in his left testicle, Filgaia in the right. Separated at last and free from any future quarreling, the worlds returned to their happy lives, but all Earth men are James Bond clones and the women are all Le Chiffre's head on Vesper's body.
Eventually, the worlds would bridge a transtesticular trade route, becoming allies and bringing their united empire to universal dominion.
Until James Bond masturbated.