Dream Date

by AmberStarry

Lister finds a new total-immersion video game, which is a date simulator. For lack of anything better to do, he decides to try it out along with Rimmer who insists that Lister shouldn't be allowed to have all the fun. However the game glitches, and somehow Lister and Rimmer end up on a date together that both of them wish they could escape…

Lister finds a new total-immersion video game, which is a date simulator. For lack of anything better to do, he decides to try it out along with Rimmer who insists that Lister shouldn't be allowed to have all the fun. However the game glitches, and somehow Lister and Rimmer end up on a date together that both of them wish they could escape…

Unexpectedly another mail-pod had arrived, bringing with it another enormous amount of goodies and an even bigger amount of useless correspondence for the dead crewmembers. Lister had spent the better part of his afternoon sifting through piles of letters and packages, looking for anything that he could salvage from the shipment. So far there hadn't been much of interest to him, mostly letters, subscriptions and trinkets sent from the dead crew's family members – like photos of the cousin's wedding or a video of the wife birthing the new baby (Lister had a right shock when he viewed that one), so he was more than ecstatic when he finally picked up something that caught his eye.

It was a total-immersion videogame, entitled Dream Date. Lister turned over the box and began reading the synopsis out loud to himself. "Create your ideal date and then take him or her out on the town. Try and show your date the best time you can, the more they enjoy themselves the more locations, outfits and accessories you will unlock. Create your own world of romance, and experience your Dream Date."

"I suppose that would mean watching It's A Wonderful Life, gorging yourself on curries and having a midnight snog-session for you then." Rimmer remarked as he moseyed into the room, smiling complacently.

Lister rolled his eyes and turned to the hologram. 'Oh shove it Rimmer, compared to your perfect date involvin' an in-depth discussion of twentieth-century telegraph poles and morris dancin' to Hammond organ music, my perfect date sounds like a godsend."

Rimmer chuckled condescendingly. "Oh Listy, as boring as my hobbies seem to you, at least they're classier than slobbing around twenty-four hours a day." He nodded to the case in Lister's hand. "What's that you were reading out anyway, it sounds mildly entertaining."

Lister opted to ignore Rimmer's taunts; he wasn't in the mood to bicker. He held up the game so Rimmer had a better view of it. "It's a total-immersion videogame, pretty sure it's a date simulator. Might be worth checkin' it out, not much opportunity to get any romance around here, is there?"

Rimmer stood and walked over to Lister, taking the game out of the other man's hand and inspecting it. "Indeed," he said slowly as he read the back of the case to himself. "Well I think we should both try it out, wouldn't be right for you to have all the fun, would it Listy?" Rimmer looked back up and shot Lister yet another self-satisfied smile.

The shorter man gave the hologram a deadpan expression. "Go with YOU into a date simulator? What would we do, have double dates with our computer sprites? Ugh just thinkin' about that makes me feel ill." Lister stuck his tongue out, his face twisting into an expression of repulsion.

"You idiot, it says here that two people can play the game in their own 'date worlds' simultaneously. We would both be in the game, but we wouldn't be together." Rimmer threw the game back to Lister, who caught it with ease. "If I had to spend a date with you, I'd probably excuse myself to go to the bathroom and then drown myself in the toilet."

"Yeah, yeah," Lister walked over to his bunk and pulled over his boots, which had been sitting on the couch next to his guitar. "Whateva', you can come if you want, just don't be surprised if I get Holly to trap you in the game if you piss me off."

Rimmer made a face at Lister as he bowed his head to slip on his boots, making it so the other was oblivious to his taunts. Truthfully, he was more than a tad excited to play this game; it was no secret that Rimmer hadn't exactly had the most enthralling love life, and any opportunity to remedy this he welcomed with open arms.

Lister grunted as he straightened himself and stood back up, grabbing the game that he had had to put down to get his shoes on. "Well, let's get down to the gaming suite then." Why Red dwarf had a gaming suite at all was subject to debate, the crew never really did get that much time off to enjoy gaming when they were alive, and there were not nearly enough pods and gaming helmets to accommodate all of the original crewmembers anyway. In fact the same thing went for the multiple bars, the massage parlor, the recreational cinemas and the spa. Of course now that only Lister, Rimmer, the Cat and Kryten remained there was no problem in using these facilities, well, except the massage parlor and the spa that is.

The duo set off down the corridor, weaving through passages and catching an elevator to move up to the eightieth floor where the gaming suite was located. Discussion during the trip consisted mostly of insults and antagonistic remarks thrown at one another sparingly, about how shallow the other was, or how one was sure to repulse his 'date' with his rank curry odour; until they entered the room and the conversation ended in a few last comments:

"Rimmer, your computer sprite is going to jump out the bathroom window just like that girl with the fake nose did. Good luck getting anywhere in this game." Lister walked over to the table that stored the game helmets.

"Says the man who looks like walking road-kill," Rimmer countered as he followed Lister up to the table. He watched as Lister slid the game into the console and started pushing buttons to start it up.

"Enough of this, let's just start havin' some fun already, I'm sick of arguin' with yeh'." He punched the start button and a screen displaying the words 'Create Your Date' popped up. "Looks like we get to customize our own date, yeeeeesss!"

"Really?" Rimmer asked, moving closer to Lister to get a better view of the screen. This just made the game even better for the both of them.

Lister nodded as he continued to punch keys. "Yep, and it looks like we get to choose everythin' too."

"What are you choosing?" Rimmer looked at Lister and then down at the screen, he was currently choosing hair colour. "Hair colour," Rimmer read out.

"Brown," Lister responded, keying it in. "Long, straight hair; brown eyes; pale lips; officers uniform –"

"You're making Kochanski," Rimmer interrupted, cutting off Lister's monologue.

Lister paused and looked up at Rimmer. "Yeah, what of it?" He knew he would most likely never get the chance to see Krissie again, so making something close to her was the best that he could do to be with her in his situation.

For once Rimmer didn't say anything scathing, he just shook his head and mumbled "Never mind." He actually felt a bit sorry for Lister. He had never been in love himself, at least he didn't think he had, but he was fairly certain it must have been cripplingly painful having a woman take over your mind so completely that you still couldn't stop thinking about her even after three-million-years.

Lister finished off making his choices and then punched in the keys to make Rimmer's date. "Okay, tell me what you want," he prompted, looking up at Rimmer.

"I can do it myself!" Rimmer snapped, pushing Lister out of the way.

Lister caught his balance as he was knocked to the side and scowled at Rimmer, annoyed. "Do you even know how?" He asked, watching as Rimmer started to make a feeble attempt at selecting characteristics for his date.

"Yes of course I do," he replied. After a few moments of pressing buttons and still not being able to select anything, Rimmer sighed and removed his hands from the keys to turn to Lister. "Okay I lied, I don't know how to work this, can you do it for me?"

Lister didn't say anything as he retook his position in front of the monitor. "What do you want," he repeated, this time more annoyed than the last.

Rimmer paused for a moment and then spoke. "Blonde hair, blue eyes, double-d cup size, lightly tanned, red lips, tall."

Lister looked up at Rimmer with a raised eyebrow, but keyed in his selection anyway. Lister always thought Rimmer had a very superficial taste in women; I mean the selection he made was a classic blonde bimbo. Not that the spacebum was going to say anything, he knew when to keep his mouth shut, which was more than what some people could say. He finished off the selection and then picked up his helmet. "Okay then, time to finally play this game." He slid the helmet onto his head.

"Holly, transmit me into the game, please," Rimmer said, standing rigid in preparation. Suddenly there was a flash and Rimmer's head flopped to the side. Similarly, the needles of the game helmet slid into place and Lister also went limp, his head falling on Rimmer's shoulder.

In an instant the boys were no longer standing in the gaming suite, but in a large room with two doors lit up by neon edging, one green and one blue. Much like the entrance to Better Than Life, there was nothing else in the room apart from apparent endless blackness.

"They must be the two different worlds," Rimmer commented, nodding to the doors.

Lister moved his weight onto his left leg and looked up at Rimmer. "Looks like it, I guess I'll see you in a while then Rimmer."

"Yes indeedy," Rimmer answered happily, rocking on his heels. "Ta-ta for now Listy."

With that the two men walked forward, Lister heading towards the green door and Rimmer walking towards the blue door. They were both giddy at the prospect of meeting their dates, and finally having some semblance of a relationship with a woman after being stranded for so long without a single female around. Lister took off his deerstalker and licked his hand, running it over his hair to smooth it down a bit in an attempt to make himself more acceptable. Rimmer tugged on his tunic, getting rid of the creases and dusted himself off, even though his uniform was already spotless, to make himself proper. Without further ado, the men approached their respective doors and pushed them open, stepping through the gateways to meet their female counterparts.

***

There was a blackout, and suddenly Lister was in a café, sitting in a booth. The seats were an olive-green leather and the tables a deep brown colour to match. Light jazz played in the background and the sound of chatter surrounded him. He blinked and looked around, inspecting his new environment. Waitresses dressed in simple black t-shirts and pants littered the establishment, jotting down orders and returning to the kitchen; there was a counter up the front with a refrigeration unit and a shelf, displaying numerous cakes, pastries and sandwiches available for purchase. Off to the side there was a miniature library, with three or four couches next to multiple rows of bookshelves for people who enjoyed some light reading while consuming their coffees and or teas. There were other people, sitting around the tables, standing in between the rows of bookshelves, paying at the counter, some chatting idly, others making a bit more raucous.

The spacebum shrugged off his jacket and put it down on the seat beside him. He was just about to call over a waitress, when a menu appeared in front of him. He picked it up and scanned the drinks. Coffee, black coffee, white coffee, latte, cappuccino, espresso, caramel latte, hot chocolate, iced chocolate, tea, green tea, chai tea, chamomile tea, lemon tea, apple tea, black tea, white tea, milkshakes, soft drinks and water. He internally groaned at the lack of any alchoholic drinks on the menu, specifically lager. In the absence of his favourite beverage, he decided to concede to having a tea instead; as he waited for a waitress to attend to him, he started having a look at the dishes they served, he had the distinct feeling vindaloo was not going to be listed, but he thought he'd have a look just in case anyway.

As he continued to check out the menu, he was interrupted by the sound of an all too familiar voice.

"What are you doing here?"

Lister looked up from his menu to see a person who could only be described as his walking nightmare approaching him. He frowned as Rimmer stepped up to the table and peered down at him with a rather annoyed expression. "I could say the same to you, smeghead. Why are you in my date world? Get out, I'm waiting for my date to arrive!"

Rimmer ignored Lister's order and sat down opposite the curry-stained man. "I can't," he breathed exasperatedly, "I walked into the café before, saw you and tried to walk back out; I assumed I must have gone through the wrong door, but when I tried to leave the place it was like there was an invisible barrier preventing me from leaving – I couldn't get back through. So now I'm stuck here with you."

Lister put down his menu and crossed his arms over his chest. "Are you tryin' to tell me you can't leave?"

Rimmer narrowed his eyes. "No, I'm just here because I enjoy your company," he said sarcastically, "Of course I can't leave! Do you think I'd be here if I could?" He put his elbow on the table and rested his head in his hand dejectedly. "I can't believe this."

"Neither can I," Lister agreed. He looked around, there was still no sign of his date and a waitress was approaching the table. He supposed he'd have to order before she got here, not that he wanted to do that.

A waitress with blood-red hair walked up to the table and looked down at the two men. "Special night out for you two?" She asked happily, smiling at them.

"No!" They both retorted in unison.

"That's wonderful! I hope you're having a good time," The waitress responded, seemingly ignoring the both of them. "So how can I help you tonight?"

Lister stared up at the waitress bewilderedly. "Uh, I guess I'll have a tea," he answered, completely confused by her lack of reaction.

Rimmer, just as confused as Lister, simply nodded as he too stared at the waitress quizzically. "Same for me."

"Excellent," The waitress nodded as she wrote down their orders. "Two teas, anything else?"

"No," they both answered simultaneously once again.

The waitress smiled and slid her notepad and pen into the pocket of her apron. "I'll be back with your order shortly." She turned and left, once again leaving Lister and Rimmer alone.

Lister sunk back into his seat, eyes wide. "What the hell was that?"

"It sounds like she was a bot," Rimmer remarked, "And she was reciting lines she was programmed to recite, like it was part of the game. But we're to players, shouldn't the game sense that?"

"Yeah it should," Lister answered. "And we should both be inseparate worlds with our separate dates. Where are they anyway?" He looked around again futilely, but there was nobody there.

"Maybe we should quit the game," Rimmer suggested.

"Yeah, maybe I made the wrong commands or somethin'," Lister agreed. He clapped his hands together, as was the procedure for exiting total-immersion videogames, but nothing happened.

Rimmer's face dropped. "Oh no."

"We can't leave the game," Lister finished Rimmer's unspoken thought as he slapped his hands together repeatedly, only to remain in the same spot, in the same café, with the same smeghead.

"Not this again," Rimmer groaned, "How many times are we going to get stuck in videogames?"

"I'm startin' to think we should stop playin' them," Lister muttered in defeat, cesing his incessant clapping.

Before Rimmer could respond, a pixie appeared on the table, clad in an all- dark green outfit of a beanie, loose t-shirt and tights, with a pixie-cut head of grass green hair, who smiled at them happily exactly like the waitress who had taken their order previously. "Hello, my name is Brightly, the Date Pixie! I'm here to help you get started on making your date a success now that your date has arrived."

Rimmer and Lister looked at each other, then back down at the pixie, then at each other again, and then back at Brightly.

"Uh, but our dates aren't here," Lister said, hoping he could reason with this computer sprite and remedy the situation.

Brightly fluttered his eyelashes at them. "Nonsense, your date is right there!" He stuck his hands out and pinted at both Lister and Rimmer.

"I think there's been some mistake, we're not dating," Rimmer cut in, pushing Brightly's hand down.

The pixie just kept on smiling. "All right, let's get started! This date will be full of trivia games about your partner, because nothing shows your love more than knowing everything about your significant other! If you get enough answers right, then you can unlock the Bowling Alley!"

"We're not on a date!" Rimmer and Lister shouted together, but they were still ignored.

Suddenly a screen appeared above Brightly's head, showing a panel of questions. Brightly touched the screen and a box for entering a name popped up. "First, you have to tell me your name and the name of your partner," Brightly prompted.

Lister looked at Rimmer. "What do we do?"

Rimmer shook his head. "I don't know, just do what he says. Maybe if we follow his instructions we'll be able to get out of here."

Lister shrugged and keyed in his name, along with Rimmer's.

"Okay, first question for Rimmer about Lister!" Bightly said excitedly. A question appeared on the screen. "Okay, what is Lister's favourite food?"

"That's easy," Rimmer scoffed, "Chicken vindaloo."

"Correct!" Brightly chirped, as a big green tick took over the screen followed by the appearance of another question. "Second question for Lister about Rimmer! What is Rimmer's favourite song?"

Lister rolled his eyes in contempt. "The Sound of Silence by The James Last Orchestra."

"Correct! Who is Lister's idol?"

"Jim Bexley Speed."

"Correct! Who is Rimmer's idol?"

"His father."

"Correct! Who is Lister's closest friend?"

Rimmer blinked. "Peterson?"

"Incorrect! Try again!"

"Chen?"

"Incorrect!"

"Selby!"

"Incorrect!"

"Kryten?"

"Incorrect!"

"Cat?"

"Incorrect!"

"Holly…"

"Incorrect, one last go!"

Rimmer looked at Lister, who looked just as confused as him. He had labeled every friend Lister had that he knew of, besides Kochanski but she was the love of his life, not his closest friend. The hologram hesitated for a moment before trying the last person he could think of. "…Me…"

"Correct!"

Rimmer looked back at Lister, whose eyes had widened in shock. It didn't make sense, but Rimmer guessed that being alone together for so long made them default friends even if they didn't know it. It still didn't make it feel any less strange that he was labeled as such though.

"What is Rimmer's most embarrassing moment?"

Lister frowned. He knew the answer but he didn't particularly want to bring it up in case Rimmer got upset. But answering these questions might be the only way that they could get out of there. "Gazpacho soup," he mumbled, looking down at the table.

"Correct! What is Lister's biggest regret?"

By now they were feeling increasingly uncomfortable wit the situation. "The fact he let Kristine Kochanski escape," he muttered, starting to tap his fingers on the table.

"Correct! One last question! What does Rimmer aspire to be?"

Lister sighed. "An officer."

"Correct!" The screen above Brightly's head disappered and got replaced by an icon of a bowling pin and bowling ball. "You've unlocked the Bowling Alley! Yeah!"

The café suddenly disappeared to be replaced with a bowling alley, Lister and Rimmer shared a simultaneous groan.

"I suck at bowling," Lister said, digging his hands into his pants pockets.

Rimmer raised an eyebrow, smiling cheekily. "Really? I happen to be quite good at bowling. Played a lot of lawn bowls as a boy, same principle."

Lister wasn't in the least bit surprised about the lawn bowls thing. He hadn't lived with Rimmer for years to not be accustomed to his impoverished boring hobbies. He looked at the lanes where bots were positioned, throwing their balls and anxiously watching to see if they hit any pins. He had never been good with aim, he was always a klutz when it came to sports, although he did love to watch it, which explained his love for zero-gee football.

Brightly appeared again on top of a ball dispenser next to them. "Yay! Let's play a game! If your get more than 150 points you can unlock suits and the restaurant!"

Lister looked down at himself. "What's wrong with what I'm wearin'? Why do I need a suit?"

"You don't want me to answer that question." Rimmer walked over to the ball dispenser and started picking up balls, trying to find one that was the right weight for him.

Lister watched him and then followed reluctantly, gauging the balls for the right weight. Once they had both chosen their balls, they walked to the lane Brightly was now standing in front of. The pixie literally jumped for joy. "Let's play!" Lister and Rimmer's names appeared up on the screen above the alley, it was Lister's turn first.

Lister walked up to take the shot, he positioned his arms, stood for a second to psych himself up, and then threw the ball. It landed two lanes over. Behind him, Rimmer started snickering uncontrollably. The spacebum growled and turned on the spot. "I told you I wasn't good at this!"

Rimmer stopped himself laughing and took a few deep breaths. "It's okay, I'll teach you." The hologram walked up to the ball dispenser and picked up Lister's ball, then walked over to Lister. "Here, do this," he said, turning Lister to the side and leaning over him slightly to position his hands.

Lister felt his cheeks heat up as Rimmer's hair brushed against his skin softly, and their fingers brushed against each other lightly as Rimmer held his wrists and started moving his arms in a pendulum motion. They were, Lister felt, a bit too close for comfort, but Rimmer didn't seem to notice this as he was completely focused on the game.

"You swing like this," Rimmer explained as he moved Lister's arms, "Fluidly, and you always have your palm facing outward in the direction your throwing, if you throw the other way around you can risk breaking your fingers. And try not to let go of the ball when your arm is in the air, otherwise it will go flying and probably bonk some poor sod on the head."

Lister turned his head to face Rimmer, and they ended up nose-to-nose. "Uh, thanks Rimmer." It was now that Rimmer finally realized how close they were and let go of Lister immediately, stepping away from him to give a good meter of space between them. His cheeks tinged a light pink. "Ahem. It's, uh, no problem."

Lister made his second shot and this time it was much better, he knowcked down half of the pins. Rimmer took his turn and got a strike the first go, but then mostly spares followed as they continued to play the game. When they finally finished, Lister ended up with an admirable eighty points, while Rimmer sat on exactly one hundred and fifty.

"Not bad Listy," Rimmer taunted, as they finished up.

"Spin on it Rimmer," Lister rebutted.

Brightly beamed. "You've unlocked the suits and the restaurant! Yay, time for some dinner!"

Again, the bowling alley melted away to be replaced with a posh restaurant. Somehow, Lister and Rimmer were now magically in suits, looking reading for a fancy dinner date. They both looked at each other with raised eyebrows across the dining table, where a candle sat between them.

"This is startin' to get freaky," Lister said, looking at the dancing flame of the candle.

"You're telling me," said Rimmer, running a hand through his hair.

The same waitress from the café approached them and asked them for their orders. Lister didn't even bother to pick up the menu that appeared in front of him, he just laid his head on the table in exasperation. Rimmer frowned and ordered a lager for Lister and a glass of champagne for himself. Neither of them were really in the mood to eat anyway, not that they would really be eating, since they were in a game.

Lister looked up at Rimmer, his head still on the table. "Are we ever going to get out of here?"

"I have no idea," Rimmer answered hopelessly.

"I want to get out of this suit," Lister muttered, "It doesn't suit me."

"Actually you look quite nice," Rimmer complimented, and then bit his lip when he realsed what he said.

Lister looked at him quizzically. That was the first time Rimmer had ever complimented his appearance, ever. "Uh, thanks, you look pretty good yourself, I guess…"

There was an awkward silence that fell over them. Lister started to play with one of his dreadlocks and Rimmer started to tap his H for lack of anything better to do.

Suddenly Brightly appeared again, happily bobbing up and down. "Yay, the date's almost complete!"

"Finally," Rimmer and Lister muttered in unison. They looked at each other and then looked at Brightly.

"We've got to stop doing that," Lister said.

"We've been together way too long," Rimmer added.

"No date is complete without a kiss! To end the perfect date, give them a smooch they'll never forget!"

"WHAT?"

Lister and Rimmer both jumped up from the table. "I am not kissin' him!" Lister screeched.

"I'm going nowhere near that pile of primordial ooze!" Rimmer bellowed.

"Kissy kissy!" Brightly chanted happily, ignoring both of them yet again.

Lister looked at Rimmer. Rimmer looked at Lister. Both their faces twisted into expressions of disgust.

"It might be the only way we can get out," Rimmer hissed.

"Don't remind me," Lister spat.

Reluctantly, they leaned forward slowly until their lips touched in a strange peck-like situation. Both their eyes were squished shut so they didn't have to see the other. It was very awkward and very tense, but they both couldn't help admitting to themselves that they may have liked it just a little bit.

Suddenly the restaurant blacked out and the duo opened their eyes to find themselves back on the ship again. Lister lifted his helmet off and threw it across the room, Rimmer blinked several times to bring the room back into focus.

"That's it, I'm never playin' a total-immersion videogame again!" Lister declared, checking himself to make sure he was in one piece.

Rimmer nodded. "Neither am I." He stretched his neck and the cracked it. "Although I suppose it could have been worse."

Lister glanced at Rimmer and then looked away. "Yeah," he said quietly, "It could have been worse."

Rimmer started kicking an invisible pebble with his foot. "I don't suppose you'd like to have another game of bowling? We could set one up in the corridor outside our sleeping quarters."

Lister smiled. "Sounds mildly entertainin'. Sure, I mean it wouldn't be fair if I let you have all the fun, would it?"

Rimmer smiled back and then started to walk out of the gaming suite. "Come on Listy, let's see if you can beat me this time."

"Watch it Rimmer, I'm going to kick your ass, just wait and see!" Lister yelled after Rimmer as he ran after the other man, and they went to go back to their sleeping quarters.

And they never did play a total-immersion videogame again.