Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.
(I've Looked at) Both Sides Now
The Christmas party was winding down, and Rachel was getting ready to make her move. She wouldn't give up, couldn't, not until she'd made Finn see how sorry she was. He needed to hear that in order to forgive her, and he had to forgive her. He just had to.
She'd gotten a lift over from her dads, who'd gone to Columbus for a show, and that meant she was "stranded" at Mr Schue's. Sure, Lima was small enough that she could walk home if necessary, but she was hoping it wouldn't not be. Finn loved being a white knight – surely he'd offer her a ride once he realized she was without a car.
(For once the fact that none of the other New Directions lived in her neighborhood worked to her advantage.)
"Rachel?"
She startled, having been too focused on Finn to notice anyone approaching her, and turned. Quinn.
"Do you need a ride home? I saw your dads drop you off, so..."
"Oh, no, that's not necessary. It's completely out of your way and–"
"–and you're hoping that Finn will drive you. Which is exactly why you should go with me instead. I'm serious, Rachel. If you want to fix things with him, then do so, but give him a little space. He's still too angry, and if you keep pushing it'll just blow up in your face."
If anyone knew it would be Quinn, so Rachel nodded – albeit reluctantly – and got dressed. As she followed the blond out the door she noticed Finn watching her with a mixture of relief and longing, and realized that maybe Quinn was right. Even the thought of giving Finn distance was hard, but if it made him miss her, even a little, maybe it would help.
The silence in the car was uncomfortable. They might share a choir room, but they weren't friends, and even if they chose to mostly ignore everything that had happened – the teasing and the torment, Finn, Rachel's mother adopting Quinn's baby...just the tip of the iceberg – it was still there. It wasn't something they could ever forget, Rachel thought.
There was an extra layer to everything right then though, as if Quinn had had an ulterior motive in offering a ride. Then again, Quinn being Quinn, she probably had. The only question was whether or not she'd actually get around to telling her.
"Rachel? Look, I know you probably don't want to talk about this, and especially not to me, but you still need to listen. That look on your face? I recognize it, okay? I've seen it on you too many times, just like I saw it in the mirror last year. It's the 'how do I get Finn to forgive me' face. And that never ends well, it just...doesn't. I know that you don't have any reason to trust me – I've been a bitch to you too many times for that – but I wish you would when it comes to this."
"I know Finn. No matter what was wrong with our relationship – and yes, I'm aware of exactly how many things were – we dated for over a year. You don't spend that much time with someone without getting to know them. What you – and I – did hurt him in a way I'm not sure you fully understand. Before all of this happened Finn and Puck were like brothers. They've been attached at the hip since they were nine, and no one and nothing has ever managed to get between them."
"Until, of course, I got drunk and depressed and stupid enough to sleep with Puck, and all of that changed. They were getting over it though, until you repeated my mistake. I have to wonder, did you do it on purpose? Did you kiss Puck because you knew it'd hurt Finn even more that it was with him?"
Rachel flushed. That had played a too large role, once she'd thought beyond how much she was hurting and that Puck was offering.
"I thought so. I think...I think it was about that for me as well. That, and the fact that Puck was there, and he's really, really bad at not giving into temptation."
It sounded much too familiar. Oh, she'd done a number on Finn – on all of them. And so had Quinn. She'd known that all along, but it wasn't until then she actually understood how much she'd messed up. Getting Finn's forgiveness might end up being even harder than she'd thought.
She had an ace though, now that Quinn was talking to her. If anyone knew how to deal with Finn and his issues about cheating, surely she would. As long as she was willing to answer...
"Can I ask you something? I want – no, I need – Finn to forgive me, but nothing I say is getting through to him. But. You've been there, with him, so I thought..."
"You want to know what I said to make Finn forgive me? Oh Rachel... I said so many things, true, but to be honest I don't think he's forgiven me – or that he ever truly will. I hurt him too badly for that. And what happened with me and Puck was different from what happened with the two of you. At least you didn't sleep with him, get pregnant and lied about it."
"No, I mean – what did he say to you?"
"Rachel? What are you saying?"
Something clearly wasn't right, but she still forged ahead, ignoring the warning bells. She had to know, she just had to.
"When Finn kissed me, last year, what did he say to make you forgive him?"
The silence was loud, and Rachel was suddenly scared to look at the girl next to her. Had she gone too far? She wasn't good at social interaction, didn't have any practice on picking up clues on what she was doing wrong, but she'd thought Quinn was okay with her asking.
And then the car came to a stop at the side of the road, and Rachel glanced over. Oh. Quinn was white in the face, and her hands were practically glued to the steering wheel. Something was wrong here.
"Finn kissed you? Last year, when we were still dating, he kissed you? Am I understanding you right?"
"Yeeeees. Twice, first when he'd just joined Glee, and then when he took me on a date after I quit for the musical."
"That fucking bastard!"
Rachel felt her eyes bug out. She'd heard Quinn sound less than lady-like on a number on occasions, but this? She'd never heard the pretty blond sound like this – had never heard her curse.
"He cheated on me? With you? All this time I blamed myself for what I did with Puck, thinking that I was such a bitch for letting my unfounded insecurities about Finn and you get to me. Because Finn would never do that. Finn would never cheat, never hurt me like that – never hurt me like I hurt him. And now you're telling me he did?"
"I was so worried, because I could tell you liked him just as I could tell he liked you. And that played into how I treated him, the lies I told, the sneaking around... All of it. And when I tried to talk to him afterwards, when I told him how I felt? Do you know what he told me?"
Quinn's voice was reaching hysteria by then and Rachel was growing worried. Was she supposed to do something? What? It was all empty in her head, no clues, and so she just sat there and shook her head.
It didn't matter, because the blond in the driver's seat wasn't paying any attention whatsoever to her.
"He told me I should have talked to him. That I should have trusted him. That he would never have done to me what I did to him. And yeah, okay, he didn't. Doesn't change the fact that he did cheat, now does it?"
And no, it didn't.
"And he lied to me about it. He stood there, and told me how he could have forgiven the cheating if only I hadn't lied to him – at the same time as he was lying to me about you."
Put like that...it sounded bad. Really, really bad. It also made Rachel feel small and horrible, and she felt her face flush with shame.
"I'm sorry, Quinn. I've never said that, but I am. I thought you didn't deserve Finn, and I told myself I was justified in going after him because of that, but all I did was help him cheat. I cast myself as the heroine in the tale, and Finn as my white knight, and you as the wicked witch. And then I didn't look beyond that because it might interfere with what I wanted."
"That was wrong of me, and I apologize."
"We all messed up, Rachel. All three of us. No matter how much Finn wants to cast himself as the victim in all of this, he had a hand in creating this mess too."
Quinn sounded like she didn't know whether to laugh or cry, and Rachel understood the feeling. She had it too. She'd built Finn up in her head to be this amazing person, and so had Quinn she guessed, and now he was revealed as just a human. Good and bad. Flaws and strengths.
What was she supposed to do with this revelation? How was she supposed to act now?
"We move on." Oh, so she'd said that out loud. "I can't decide for you, but for me... I need to talk to Finn, need to confront him and see what he has to say for himself. And then I need to readjust my thinking on quite a few points, I think."
And that...sounded smart. Sounded like what Rachel too should be doing. Maybe she didn't feel the same need to confront Finn as Quinn did, but she'd definitely talk to him – and listen – if the opportunity arose. But the readjusting of her thoughts? Yes, she needed that.
It was probably time to schedule a talk with her therapist.
"That sounds like a good idea, Quinn. For all of us. I hope it works out well for you."
Rachel spent her Christmas break thinking about herself, and Finn, and the two of them together, both on her own and with help. She did it without interference from the rest of the New Directions though. While she took Quinn's calls when the blond felt the need to talk, she left everyone else out of it, and that felt good. Healthy.
She even made an effort to stay out of Finn's way – it was easy, just doing the opposite of what she would have normally done – to avoid having him influence her thought process.
Once the break was over and it was time for glee she felt strong. She still wanted Finn back, still wanted to be with him, but she'd lost the urgency to have it happen at once. She'd come to the realization that in order for that to happen things needed to change.
Quinn, it seemed, had also come to a few realizations, and unlike Rachel she was taking Finn to task in public.
The verbal beating Finn took had the other gleeks retreating within less than two minutes, and for once no one even tried to listen in. It was too raw, with all the bad memories it brought back, and it made them all feel uncomfortable.
"Rachel! Can we talk?"
Right. Showtime. Oh, and Finn looked so angry. He'd been humiliated by Quinn, exposed as a hypocrite in front of all their friends, and now he was looking for payback. With her as the target, of course, since who else would have told Quinn about his indiscretions?
"Of course. What did you want?"
"You told Quinn about us kissing. How could you do that? Why would you do that? I thought you wanted me to forgive you, but this? This was not the way."
"Yes, I wanted you to forgive me for being an idiot and kissing Puck. But with you refusing to listen I didn't know what to do. So, when Quinn offered me a ride I decided to humiliate myself and ask for her help."
"I figured she'd know what would work with you, because she'd know what you said when it was you kissing someone other than your girlfriend/boyfriend. I thought she had to know, because with the way you reacted to both what I did and what she did, surely you would have been honest yourself."
"I never even imagined you hadn't been."
He flushed a little, and didn't seem to know what to say or do now that she'd defused his arguments from the start.
"Finn, I didn't talk to her because I wanted to get you into trouble. I did it because I wanted you back, and I was running out of options. I still want that. I still want us to be together, and I could easily imagine spending the rest of my life with you. But not now. Right now you have some growing up to do."
Finn's face grew red again, and she could see him gearing up for an argument.
"So do I, and I admit that. We've both messed up. You lied, I lied, you dumped me for a date with Santana and Brittany, I kissed Puck... None of us are perfect, and we keep hurting each other. We could change that, though."
"When I told you I'd slept with Jesse I did it for a couple of reasons. I wanted to hurt you, like you'd hurt me. I didn't want you to find out that I backed out because I still had feelings for you. And a part of me thought that maybe you'd be more interested in getting back together if you thought I was willing to have sex. It's not something I'm proud of, but that's the truth."
"I don't know why you lied to me about Santana, and honestly? I know that when you slept with her it wasn't any of my business. But once we got back together? Then it was. Santana has spent her time at McKinley being one of my bullies – probably the worst one. You put me in a position where she had new ammunition to hurt me with, and you did nothing to protect me from that hurt."
"Also, Finn, you had to have known you and I were heading closer to having at least some sort of sex. Lying about previous experiences then... That was playing fast and loose with my health. Santana's been around – she's been more than open about that. Did you get tested after sleeping with her?"
"We used a condom, I learned my lesson, okay? I'm not going to fuck up."
"Condoms aren't fool proof, Finn, they can tear kind of easily. And that's why I'd have wanted you to get tested anyway before we went any further – if I'd known."
"I want us back together. I want us to stay together. But for that to happen, and for that to be healthy, I need us both to work on ourselves. We can't keep lying, and hurting. I can't go for the jugular when I'm upset, and you can't act like a part of you is still ashamed of me."
"I love you. I hope you know that, and that one day I want to be able to proudly tell people that I'm married to you. That means you'll have to be honest with me from now on – as I have to be with you."
"It's going to take a lot of work, but I'm willing to do that. If you're not... If you're not then I'm going to be sad, and hurt, and I'll miss you – but I'll respect your decision. I want you to be happy, Finn, even if it's not with me. I just want me to be happy as well – with or without you."
It looked like she was finally getting through to him, and that was good, because she didn't have the energy to argue any longer. She'd said her piece, and now Finn needed to do what she (and Quinn) had done and think.
She reached up, placed a hand on his cheek, and gave him a sad but honest smile.
"You have so much potential, Finn. That's what I love about you, the amazing man I can see you becoming. You just need time, and to sort out your priorities. And when you do? I'll be here for you."
"I love you, and that's why I'm doing this."
With that she withdrew her hand, turned and walked away. There were tears in her eyes threatening to fall, but a smile on her lips and hope in her heart.
I love you, Finn Hudson. Please come back to me.
~The End ~