None of your Business

Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. This fic is for self satisfaction only.

A/n: This is my first Josh and Donna fanfic, and my third fanfic ever. Please forgive me in advance for all the mischaracterizations and mistakes. This story takes place right after Memorial Day. There will be angst and self-pity, but then there will be smut (which I'll post as NC-17 when it comes). For now I think the rating is just PG-13.

Archive: please ask so I can visit. Feedback: I'd love some,

Chapter summary: Josh finally has the guts to tell Donna how he feels.

I'm in this cold, gray waiting room, and Donna is in there, cut open, fighting for her life. I wish there was more I could do, or that I could have done. I look at my watch over and over; hoping that the passing time will ease my pain. How could I let it go this far without telling her that I love her, that I want to be with her, that not a night goes by when I don't wish I had her in my bed with me? Every time a nurse or a doctor walks by, I stand up and try to get information out of them. They all tell me they don't know anything. This must be a nightmare. I wish it were a nightmare.

There is only one other person in the waiting room, an old lady who seems calm and distracted. I don't think she notices my desperation. If she does, she chose not to react to it.

Hours go by and I've settled into something that must seem like a catatonic state. I stare at the gray wall in front of me, feeling numb. I figure this is the only way I can survive this waiting without going insane. What if Donna dies? What if she goes into a coma, never to wake up again? What if she's paralyzed? What would I do then? I can't imagine my life without her. I have to stop thinking this way, Donna wouldn't be. She would try to be positive at a time like this. So I try not to think these thoughts that run through mind repeatedly, leaving me desperate, ready to beg whoever walks by that they make everything all better, by bringing Donna back to health.

Finally, the surgeon comes out of the operating room, walking towards me. I stand up immediately and look him in the eyes. His mouth is moving and the words are coming out, but I'm not processing what he's saying. I guess I've always had selective hearing, but this is crazy! I'm just waiting to see whether he says either "she's going to be ok", or "I'm sorry, but we couldn't save her". After a few desperate seconds of trying to decipher what he is saying to me, I hear: "She is now in stable condition and we're taking her to the recovery room. Would you like to see her?"

I'm speechless. A mountain has been lifted off my shoulders, and I do the only thing I can do at this moment. I nod. "A nurse will come by for you when they settle her in."

I fall back down in my chair, and look up at the ceiling while I wait. I thank God for ...everything. I run my hands across my face and I realize I haven't had anything to eat or drink since last night... when I came in with the red roses. The red roses, I wonder where I put them? I wasn't thinking of anything but all that blood on the floor. I must have dropped them in her room.

I walk over to her room, where everything has been cleaned up, and I look for the flowers. A nurse sees me in there, and tells me to wait out in the waiting room, because they need to bring Donna in and settle her with all the equipment. I ask her about the roses, but she says she hasn't seen any.

So I go down to the main lobby, and walk out of the hospital, back to the flower shop where I had gotten the roses. All I can think about is how I want to make things right this time, and how I have to give her red roses to tell her how I feel.

When I get back from the florist, a nurse takes me to the room where Donna is recovering. My legs are weakening as I approach the door. I want to run away, and hide from my emotions, but I can't. I have to be strong for Donna. The nurse opens the door for me, and I stand there, petrified, when I see Donna in her bed, sleeping, with tubes coming out of her nose. I hate to see her like this. I approach her bed, lay the flowers on the nightstand, and gently lift her hand, so that I can put both of my hands around hers.

"Donna, I ..."

I feel awkward talking to a sleeping person. But I need to get this out now otherwise I'm going to forget how lucky I am that she's still alive and she'll never know...

"Donna ..." I break down and start crying. I can't control myself. After all those hours of waiting, of not knowing whether I'd ever see her alive again, of making myself feel numb in order not to go crazy. Now finally my feelings of uselessness and frustration are coming out full force, in the form of heavy gulps and running tears. I can't stand the thought of losing Donna like this. Right now she is in front of me, but I don't know whether she'll make it or not. I try to control myself by taking deep breaths, but they only make me cry more. So I try talking, and saying whatever comes to my mind, trying to divert my brain's attention from the crying.

"I don't know what to do to make you better; I really need you to get better, as soon as possible. I can't live without you, in fact: I'm a mess right now. I love you so much Donna, I hate that I've never had the guts to tell you while you were awake and healthy. I'm such a prick for having treated you the way I have for the past 6 years. Will you ever forgive me? I should have been the one in that SUV, getting blown up. I should have promoted you a long time ago, and I didn't because I love you so much and I'm a selfish bastard...Donna, please get better, I want to make it up to you, I love you, and I want to be with you, if you'll have me."

TBC