On that early Monday morning in September, I was in a locker room of the ballet studio in downtown denver. I went to pointe class twice a day every day, from 5 - 7 a.m. and p.m. it was between 4 and 5. My family and I were originally from CT but had moved to denver awhile ago. Earlier that day I'd had breakfast at my house where I lived w/ my parents and 6 siblings - 2 sisters and 4 brothers.

The locker room was cold, medium size and rectangular. It had 3 walls that had tall metal lockers along them, the door in the 4th, a carpeted floor and 2 wooden benches. It smelled like ben gay, minty and early morning, cold and wet. it was quiet. None of the ballet classes had started yet and no one else had come into the room. It was nice being the only one here but also lonely. I was tired.

I'd been taking pointe class it since I was 13. I was now 15. Most of the students had been taking ballet since we were 4 which meant that we went on pointe when we were 13. Different teachers had different opinions of when the right time was for a dancer to go on pointe, and so because of this the students in the class tried to stay with the same ballet school throughout their years of studying ballet.

Pointe shoes were expensive and usually came in pink, white or black but often other colors for the shows we were in. this depended on what part we were playing. Each dancer had 3 pairs of pointe shoes; one for class, one for rehearsal and one for shows. We had to keep replacing them, and our toe wrappings. A lot of dancers went through 1 pair a show.

Our ballet school had a show - Dracula - on October 15 and then several on the 28, 29, 30, 31 and November 1. On that very day we started rehearsing for the Nutcracker, which we performed November 15, November 30, December 1, December 15, Christmas and December 30. After which we started rehearsal for our valentines day show Romeo and Juliet.

I wanted a lead part in this year's upcoming performance of Dracula, which meant I had to get to the studio earlier than most of the students to do more stretching, more practicing as the lead has a lot more work to do than anyone. Not only the leads but also the main characters. If I didn't get the lead my next choice was one of the women who seduces Johnathon when he's at Dracula's castle. I had the hair for it, dark and long. I realise that my hoping to get the lead and my hair weren't the only requirements. It also depended on how good a dancer I was.

My sister Vanessa who was 17, was a mystic. She loved the story of Dracula. One of the many subjects we often talked about.

my younger sister claire was 13 and already a model, which was surprising because most young women her age didn't start modeling untill they were older.

As I streched I thought about my pointe shoes. Well rather I thought about my feet which were in my pointe shoes. My feet had bruises on them and cuts from dancing. In a way being on pointe was another form of self-destruction along w/ cutting and not eating. It changed your feet, legs, ankles and toes. My legs had bruises on them too but not from that. From my ED. Well more from lack of vitamin d. my arms had cuts on them from, my cutting. Vanessa also cut sometimes. I wasn't sure if Claire did or not.

I was stretching on the yellow carpeted floor. The carpeting wasn't thick and therefore uncomfortable but even moreso for me since I was anorexic. I smelled like dove body wash. My right leg was stretched out in front of me while the left was pushed uup against my thigh. My long legs were in thin white tights and the rest of me was in a thin black leotard and black pointe shoes. My long dark hair was in a bun.

I switched legs moving slowly as I often did. Then put them together and stretched out over them. This was harder for some reason. After which I leaned back and put my hands behind me. I rolled each of my 2 narrow feet in circles and then together. Then I put my feet against each other.

After that I stood and bent down. Then came back up. It was 4:30 by now.

Some students chose to stretch in the locker room, some in the studio though it was preferred you stretched in the locker room. Most of the students came in at 4:30. Class started at 5.

We usually started class at the barre with plies, ron de jombs, tendus, battemants, degegas, pointe work and other, then moved to the center after which we traveled across the floor and finished at the barre. It was hard work, tiring, but worth it in the end.

I hadn't yet started staying after class in order to get in more rehearsal time. And id have to stay later too untill about 8 or 9. I pulled out my small phone and texted this to my mom and Vanessa. My mom had told us wed all have phones when we were 13.

One of the girls in the class, Anna Nicole, walked into the locker room. She was usually early. She was pretty; tall, thin with long dark hair and dark eyes. Like me, she had her hair pinned up and was wearing a black leotard, white tights and pointe shoes. She sat down on the floor and started stretching.

Other than the fact that she was in the ballet class I was in, I didn't know much about her.

"Hey Margo," she said when she saw me.

"Hey," I said.

She went over to her tall metal locker.

"How are you?"

"Ok," I replied honestly.

"Oh."

I didn't usually say much to people I didn't know much about.

She opened her locker and stuffed her long purple duffel bag in, then sat on the floor next to me and began stretching.

Her eyes went up and down my thin figure. I wanted to ask 'what', as I was bothered by this but decided it was too early to start an argument esp. w/ someone I barely knew. So I didn't say anything just waited.

"you're, um," she began from her spot on the floor: "maybe its none of my business but you're getting thin. I mean you've always been thin but."

"well you have to be to be in ballet."

"yeah."

She looked away.

I was sensitive about my weight.