Needing Some Comfort
Tony DiNozzo stepped into his boss' home. The simple yet comfortable place housed the one man he needed to talk to… and the one man he knew he couldn't.
He sighed and walked over to the couch and plopped himself down. He stayed there for an hour, just sitting. After familiarizing himself with every pattern on every item he got up. He needed to ask Gibbs something, but he still couldn't.
Tony opened most of the cabinets before finding a glass. He filled it with water and half a dozen ice cubes. The big ones. He hated the big kind. Even though he had ragged McGee about it he loved crunching ice cubes. The little ones. The big ones hurt his teeth. Again he went to the couch and sighed. The water sat untouched for another hour or so.
Just as he was going to stand up to leave a few hours later, he heard Gibbs on the top step of his basement stairs. He steeled himself for his response.
"DiNozzo?" His hands clenched on his lap. Gibbs walked around the couch to face his Senior Agent. "Everything okay?"
Tony nodded his head a little too quickly. His boss signed and took a seat on his coffee table.
"Tell me about it."
DiNozzo tried, he really did. He even opened his mouth a few times. The words just wouldn't come out. How could he possibly explain this to Gibbs? To anyone? He stopped trying to explain, just keeping his head down. After a moment of intense studying, Gibbs stood up.
"Follow me, DiNozzo." He got halfway up the stairs before he realized Tony wasn't following him. He sighed. "Tony?"
But Tony could only shake his head. He couldn't do it. It just wasn't him. Gibbs was a grown man and he was too. This shouldn't even be a problem!
A clock struck one.
"DiNozzo, come here," Gibbs snapped. His authoritative tone got Tony to stand, nothing more. He walked down the stairs and over to his agent. Looking at him in profile he could see the clenched hands and jaw. "DiNozzo, it's going to be fine."
"No, it isn't!" Tony snapped at him. Gibbs stared into the heated gaze. Half of DiNozzo was sad and scared. The other half was mad. "This shouldn't be happening! I'm thirty eight for Christ sake!"
Gibbs only understood half the message. The 'I shouldn't be here, I'm too old for this' was clear, but he didn't understand why the other half said 'even the reason I'm here shouldn't be happening to me.'
Again, he sighed. Slowly, he reached out and grabbed his underling's hands with his own. "Come on, DiNozzo" he said quietly as he led the man around the side of the couch, then the back of it, then across the room, then to the stairs.
"DiNozzo stopped just before his foot could hit the first step. "No."
"DiNozzo…" he knew he had to be gentle now. Tony felt trapped. He felt like he was losing control. He wanted nothing but to go home of his own free will. But that wasn't happening, and both of them knew it, and that's part of what scared him.
His boss leaned into his personal space and stared directly into his eyes. Tony watched them, trying to watch his boss' entire face even though it was an inch from his own.
Ever, ever so slowly, Gibbs pulled Tony's hands toward him and ever, ever so slowly Tony stepped up. He let out a shaking breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding when he realized where he was. His eyes misted up. "I don't think I can…"
"Tony, it's okay. What do you think is going to happen? You think I might judge you or something? I can't, Tony. Everybody on the team has been where you are now. It doesn't mean anything. So come on," Gibbs said, reading his colleague of around a decade perfectly he saw his chance to turn around and march DiNozzo up the stairs. Tony offered little resistance. At the first door on the right he dragged Tony into a homey bedroom. He left him just inside the doorway and opened his closed. Built into the wall on the side were cubby-like shelves. He took a pile of clothing from one and stepped over to Tony.
"Here, put this on and brush your teeth. The blue one's still yours," he told him.
The NCIS' most handsome agent walked over to the bathroom and shut the door. He looked at himself in the mirror. God, was this what he'd become? He considered just leaving but decided he was too tired. Too tired of fighting this alone.
Gibbs came in before he'd put his shirt on but he was okay with that. He brushed their teeth in silence after Gibbs asked him how his pajamas were.
"Smells like mothballs," Tony replied.
"They haven't been washed since the day after the last time you came over. It's…been awhile."
Gibbs finished first and left to stand outside the bathroom. Tony huffed. This was it. He was second-guessing himself again when his boss leaned in and offered his hand.
"C'mon DiNozzo," he said. Tony felt a moment of nostalgia before growing anxious. Before he could think to move on his own Bossman had led him to the bed and pulled down the covers. "After you."
Tony nodded and climbed onto the plush bed. The mattress sunk behind him and he scooted to the far side. Again Gibbs told him, "C'mere, DiNozzo." He rolled his eyes like a petulant child. "hey, you came to me. Obviously you need this."
When tony remembered why he came, tears flooded his eyes and he rolled onto his stomach to hide them in a pillow. Gibbs merely scooted closer and gathered Tony into his arms.
"Shh, it's alright, DiNozzo…Tony…it will be okay. Just get it out. There. That's okay. It'll all be okay, Tony."
For the first time in years Anthony DiNozzo cried himself to sleep.
The next day was a Saturday. Tony found himself on his back underneath a rose and gold trimmed comforter in a bed he didn't recognize…but he soon remembered. He couldn't believe he'd been so weak! The last time the boss had seen him that destroyed was when Kate died.
A knock on the bedroom doorway grabbed his attention. Gibbs stepped in with two cups of coffee.
"Let's go talk," he said. Using the steaming mug of delicious, life-giving juice as bait he lured his bedmate to the kitchen where he bestowed upon him both the coffee and scrambled eggs. Tony inhaled his eggs and coffee and burped. Seeing Gibbs' annoyed face he said, "Excuse me."
"Okay, Probie, what's up?"
Tony couldn't meet his eyes. "My dad...he's…"
"Yeah?"
"He's getting married and he's coming to town for the wedding."
"What's the matter DiNozzo, don't like weddings?"
"No! I don't like him," he hissed.
"What do you think about his bride?"
"I don't know. I've never met her and he's only been dating her for six months," he answered. "After a minute he blurted, "How could he do that to my mom?"
Gibbs was surprised by the raw emotion he saw in Tony. His understudy was rarely angry. Flirtatious? Yeah. Annoyed, tired, bummed, happy, focused, silly- he was used to all that. But not angry. And never scared. He didn't mention the fear; he didn't have to. Both of them knew Tony was afraid of his dad more than anything else.
"Why?"
Anthony sighed. "I moved out when I was seventeen, you know. Couldn't stand living with that bastard on more second." Gibbs nodded. So his dad had hit him, huh? That was more than enough to traumatize a kid well into his adulthood. "And now he waltzes back in here and brings a blonde Barbie slut with him and expects me to go to the wedding? No. It's not gonna happen like that."
"Okay DiNozzo, I get that. I'll help you get him off your back about it even." Tony breathed a sigh of relief. "But you have to tell me why it was so hard for you to just get up and climb into bed with me."
DiNozzo looked away.
"Tony," his boss warned him.
"Fine! It's just …I don't know…."
"Do I have to remind you that everyone has done this before? Abby's slept here every time one of you has gotten hurt. McGee occasionally has nightmares," he said, imagining a frightened McGee changing into pajama bottoms and climbing in beside him and an upset Abby in her footy pajamas and Bert.
"Palmer and Ziva haven't. They slept on the couch," Tony argued.
Gibbs glared. "If you wanted the couch you would have been asleep before I came and found you. It was one o'clock in the morning. Clearly you weren't there for a social call and I didn't say anything about Ziva or Palmer's decisions, I was talking about yours. Don't change the subject."
It grew silent.
"I don't know…I shouldn't have such a problem with it but I do."
Gibbs thought it had a lot to do with his father bringing him up to never cry more than anything else.
"You've only ever come here like this once before. You even stayed away after Kate died. I know you were trying to give yourself space, Tony. There's nothing wrong with that. Last night you were really hurting and I get that, too. Next time just come before it gets to that or don't come here trying to look after yourself. As soon as you walk in the door I'm in charge of you, alright? Let me worry about you when you come in here." He stared into his probie's eyes until the man nodded. "Just so you know," he said.