catch me, i'm falling
Defiant Dreams
IMPORTANT: I wanted to try a different style to show the thoughts of someone who isn't quite right in the head. Chaotic, unorganized and fleeting. And as the story progresses, periods disappear, capitalization goes away until all you have left is this raw and broken thing.
Pol, this is for you. This is your second Christmas gift. :) Puta, mahal kita 5ever.
xxx
catch me, i'm falling
faster than anyone should
catch me, i'm falling
please hear me calling
losing myself in the air
catch me, i'm falling
don't leave me crawling
catch me and show me you care
catch me, i'm falling
"Stupid." Arthur said harshly, tears in his pretty green eyes. Why is he crying, did I do something wrong? I must have done something wrong dying must be wrong i can't die it's wrong it's wrong it's wrong. Is it my fault? I'm stupid stupid stupid, my fault. It's my fault.
"I'm so in love with you, idiot. Why does it have to be like this?" Love? What is love? Arthur can't be in love with him, he can't can't it's wrong homosexuality is wrong and evil and Arthur is evil.
No, Arthur isn't evil. Arthur is rain and shine and pretty emerald eyes and icky tea and broken toy soldiers and rain rain rain.
"I love you, please." I left him, how could he love me? Love isn't real. Love doesn't exist. Rain pitters patters, rain rain rain. Is it raining? I think it's raining. I feel wetness on my cheeks, it must be raining.
Why is God making it rain? God must hate me. God must hate Arthur. Rain is sad and gloomy and rain leaves you behind after just like everyone leaves you behind because you're not worth it.
Does God even exist? He shouldn't, because then Arthur can love me without being sick evil wrong like I'm sick evil wrong wrong wrong.
I got that last question in that History quiz wrong, didn't I?
...what History quiz? I don't remember. I'm not in school, school sucks and I'm a nation, i'm a horrible nation and my country's economy is falling falling failing and it's my fault my fault my fault.
"–fred, listen, goddamn it. Breathe." Arthur snaps, voice shaky and trembling like piano keys long after you've slammed them. He's trying to be brave and that's stupid because I'm the hero and I'm supposed to be the one pretending to be brave, not Arthur not Arthur not Arthur.
I can't breathe, I can't I can't it feels like my lungs are collapsing. It feels like they're crumbling and turning to ash and smoke and I can't breathe. It feels like 9/11 all over again, the towers crumbling and collapsing and killing and people screaming sobbing dying it's my fault my fault my fault
I can't breathe, oh god someone help me help help me i can't breathe. Air air air, i need air where is the fucking air? Help me someone please help help help i can't breathe I'm dying help help help
Arthur's lips are on mine. What is he doing? Sick wrong wrong wrong sick disgusting dirty bad wrong. This is bad this is wrong Arthur stop we'll go to hell
Arthur is forcing air to my lungs oh god he's helping me, I can breathe i can breathe i can breathe. Air air air thank you oh my god thank you
Rain splashes and it's raining again, drops of rain against my cheek and throat and lips and eyelids. It's raining from emerald green clouds, pretty pretty clouds. Why is it raining?
"I'm not going to give up on you, bastard." Give up give up give up it's not worth it Arthur it's not worth it I'm not worth it, leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone
Alone I don't like being alone don't leave me alone Arthur please don't leave me alone. Don't leave me like you left before. Don't leave me like I left you, please please please I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry sorry sorry, please forgive me Arthur please love me. But love is wrong love is bad but I need you to love me please please love me.
I don't want to be alone I don't want to be unloved, not again never again never never never ever again. Don't make me go through it again Arthur please.
"Help! Somebody help!" Too loud, Arthur you're too loud stop screaming stop stop stop! No point. There's no point anymore Arthur you can't save me Arthur give up give up give up
"I love you, I love you, I love you." Stop stop stop you're lying you don't love me nobody loves me love is sick bad wrong Arthur didn't you know that? Rain rain rain why does it keep raining? Arthur make the rain stop make it stop make it stop.
I like the rain i do Arthur I do, but it's blocking your pretty green eyes make it stop make it stop!
It's so painful. It feels like fire and ice and blood and tears and buildings collapsing and people screaming and gunshots and nuclear bombs and rain rain rain on the field. It feels like dying Arthur am i dying? Am i dying i don't want to die save me please. Make the pain stop.
If i die will you miss me? I'll miss you arthur, i'll miss you when i'm dead and gone and cold and rotting in the ground. I'll miss you even if you don't miss me but please please please miss me please remember me. I promise i will, i promise i'll love you but please love me l need you to love me. I need you so bad arthur please stay with me stay stay stay i promise i'll be good.
I can be a good boy i swear i can i'll be good i won't leave you, not again never again it will be me and you forever and ever.
Love is good, I know I know I know. Not bad not bad because I'm bad. I don't deserve love Arthur why can't you see? I left you i left you alone in the rain crying crying crying. I left you arthur, why do you love me?
Arthur–arthur why can't i breathe arthur i can't breathe i can't see i can't hear arthur arthur arthur oh my god where are you
Arthur please please please I need you stay stay stay don't leave me please don't leave me
Gasp, i can't breathe arthur the air is rushing away and out and away and arthur i think im dying
oh god i'm dying i'm dying i'm dying i'm dying i'm dying fuckfuckfuck i can't i can't Arthur god god i can't die i can't i can't i can't
arthur, i want you to know i
xxx
Yeah, that's the end.
TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. You know I love you, guys.
Lyrics at the beginning are from one of my favorite musicals, Next To Normal. The song's called Catch Me I'm Falling.
Um, I know this isn't one of my best. I also know I've been gone for a while, and this doesn't make up for my absence. I apologize.