His Unbecoming
It was arrogance that had made me mock her; my arrogance and pride.
'Ooh. Scandalous! A Stiff's flashing some skin!' I laughed with Molly and Drew as the scrawny girl turned beetroot with anger. Hilarious. When Max told us initiates to jump off to the compound entrance, it took me only a moment to notice her drab-clad form moving closer to the edge while I felt my own skin crawl at the very idea of such witless bravery. She gave me a brief pointed look before she unbuttoned her shirt, throwing the bundle square onto my chest in defiance.
I frowned amidst the whistling and catcalls, and saw her nose lift into the air as she took another step. She couldn't possibly...
But she jumped, and as she fell I felt the soft blow to my ego.
It was cowardice that had made me pound her; my cowardice and frustration.
My eyes had gleamed when I saw her name next to mine on the board. This will be easy, I had thought.
I circled around her in the ring, eyeing her weak stance in amusement before giving her a lopsided smirk that I hoped gave her a clue as to how unfit she was to be with the Dauntless, and how she deserved to stay with the rest of the Factionless where she belonged. So I punched her on the jaw. Then kicked her in the ribs. I punched her on her face – her face again. I gritted my teeth as she fell but only got back up again with that steely determination in her eyes, murky by the blood dripping into her view.
End. Elbow.
Will. Jab.
You. Punch.
Damn it.
I kicked her again, and as she fell I felt the soft blow to my humanity.
It was cruelty that had made me expose her; my cruelty and yearning.
I saw her so small and vulnerable in the towel yet so otherworldly while she stood by her bunk - the bunk right next to mine. But I chose to ignore my attraction to her beautiful petite frame. Instead I chose spite. She deserves it, I had convinced myself.
'Look at her, she's practically a child', Molly had said.
I made my way closer to her and gave her a crude look, blocking any escape to the bathroom. 'Oh I don't know Molly, she could be hiding something under that towel. Why don't we look and see?' I stretched a hand out and made a firm fist around the white fabric. She definitely pulled up a struggle with the towel but I was ultimately stronger.
I watched her as I slowly unwrapped the towel, savouring every detail of her reaction. She's beautiful. Her skin flushed before she turned and ran to the bathroom.
I watched her bare body as she ran, and as she fled I felt the soft blow to my shame.
It was desperation that had made me dangle her; my desperation and angst.
I watched her as she walked alone in the dark with her hands in her pockets, oblivious to my gleaming eyes while my vain desire for revenge burned in my heart. Curse her. She's gonna' get it. She's gonna' get it if it's the last thing I do. Al grabbed her from behind and I quickly pulled the sack over her. Drew took her legs and we moved to dangle her over the chasm. I heard a shout and felt a boulder hit me, making me lose my grip of her. Four.
I didn't realise I had lost her for good.
No, I thought. I wanted her to end - along with that sick feeling that comes with her. I felt the defeat and shame that came along with the thought of my incompetence. Idiot!
I watched her as she let me go free, and as she let go, I felt the soft blow to my sanity.
I lied awake on my bunk in the Erudite compound, restless from brother-stiff's recent proposal. Help me and you can repay your debt to her. The words still echoed from this morning as I thought of my recent brush with death just a week ago and being saved by the most unlikeliest of all people: her.
I closed my eyes and sighed, imagining the girl I've known for the past couple of weeks, tasting her name on my lips.
Cold blonde hair, sharp blue irises lined with a metallic grey that seemed to cut through me like a knife whenever she looked my way. Oh, and that stupid, stupid big nose. A pang goes in the deeps of my gut and I feel my innards squirm from the unwanted force. No, I've fought for so long. So long to stay strong and above this – this feeling. I got up from my wallowing and looked into the mirror, staring hard into the green flecks hidden in the shadows that I've lost myself in for so long.
I don't need anyone. No one needs me. I am psychotic, mad, alone. Always alone. Better alone. Shut up. I will ignore it. Nobody cares. No one wanted me before - and no one wants me now. I don't need anyone...
The bickering inside me stopped when I decided to go see her one last time.
She looked so small and defeated in her cell, the dark lines marking her tear tracks.
My face softened at the sight of her curled form; this was the girl destined to die at 8 o'clock in a few hours. I inched closer to her, moving a strand of hair away from her closed eyelid and reminisced her courage from the previous episode against Jeanine. I gently stroked her hair, my brave little girl. Her face sat scrunched and tense.
I kissed her forehead, grudgingly giving in.
'You win, Beatrice.'
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