Sirius Black was never a fan of the cold. In fact, he was one of the few inhabitants of Hogwarts who greeted snow laden days with much scowling and muttering, rather than the elated glee of most students. Arctic blizzards did nothing to excite him. The same could be said for mild chills. In fact, anything below room temperature made Sirius a very unhappy bunny indeed.
Solitude and quiet were another thing he despised. Sirius had never understood how Remus could be just as happy alone with a book, as with the other Marauders. Sirius thrived on noise. And if no one was around to make any, well Sirius just had to make his own. Loud bangs and shouting were his specialty.
So why was he sitting alone in the grounds, an uncharacteristically gloomy look on his usually handsome face?
He was in exile, that was why. The fact that it was a self-inflicted exile did nothing to lighten the weight settled on his chest. He had told Snape about Remus being a werewolf. He'd betrayed his best friend's secret, and now he hated himself for it. The worst part, he reflected, was that Remus hadn't even been angry. He hadn't screamed, or shouted, or struck out at him. Sirius almost wished he had. Anything would have been better than the hurt look on his friend's face. Remus could say more with that look than most people could in full screaming mode.
So Sirius had exiled himself. He was more like his family than he had let himself believe, he had decided. He'd betrayed a friend for his own amusement, simply because he was bored.
"Maybe I should have been in Slytherin" He muttered to himself, mutinously. "Maybe I should just go back home, marry my cousin and accept that I'm a Black through and through"
Sirius scowled again, this time angry with himself. Sitting by the lake in a bad mood wasn't going to solve anything. Nor was being too pathetic to go and find Remus and apologise. He hadn't spoken to Remus at all since he'd let the secret slip. Well, not unless you counted "Would you like some toast, Remus?" "Yes, Sirius. I would like some toast". That wasn't talking.
Casting his eyes across to the forest, Sirius' scowled deepened. He had his suspicions about where Remus would be. Yet somehow, Sirius had no desire to be devoured by flesh eating spiders, or gored by rampaging unicorns. The Forbidden Forest despised him, as he had found out in his second year during a prank that went wrong. Steeling his nerves, Sirius shook his head, trying to clear it of the fear. Rising to his feet, he made his way across the grounds. Upon reaching the edge of the forest, he broke into a run, trying hard not to think about the various, painful deaths he could experience in this place.
He saw Remus a short way in, and slackened his pace. Nervousness wasn't an emotion Sirius was used to feeling when dealing with Remus. And yet he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to approach his friend. More cowardice.
"I'm sorry, you know" he called, not daring to move any closer for fear of having to meet those accusing, amber eyes.
Remus didn't stir at the voice. He could tell that Sirius was nervous about being in the forest. However, he'd probably be alright now he was with Remus. The forest would let the wolf deal with the human. The forest recognised him for what he was, and it accepted him for it. It didn't care for humans. Much like himself right now, Remus mused. How long had he been out here? He remembered having some toast at breakfast, but that was all.
"I know you're sorry" Remus replied, not looking at Sirius. Remus knew his answer didn't give Sirius any of the things he was looking for. However, for once Remus didn't feel like being diplomatic. He didn't feel like making everything better. He didn't know things could be better, even. Snape knew the truth now, and no amount of apologies could make him forget it. And worst of all, it had been a friend who had outed him. Had it ever been real? Had Sirius just decided that having a werewolf as a friend was a bit of a laugh? A chance to amuse himself when he was bored? Maybe James had thought that as well. Maybe even Peter had...
"So how long have I been a pawn to you?" He asked, his voice hard and accusing.
Sirius blinked, "A pawn? Is that what you really think of me?" Sirius shook his head, "Never."
He sighed, and moved closer, until he was sitting a few feet away from his friend. He was such a blood moron. How could he cause so much pain to someone he cared so much about, even by accident? And yet he had done so, and it had been deliberate. This wasn't how it was meant to work. Sirius had always thought he was a good person. He put his friends first, and backed them to the hilt. Kicked the arse of anyone who tried to hurt them. When all along, it had been Sirius who had been capable of hurting them the most.
"Don't call me that!" Remus shouted, his voice echoing through the silent forest, scaring a few birds from the trees. "Moony! What a laugh! 'hey prongs, I'm a bit bored. let's go torment Snape. Full moon's coming up. Moony won't mind...he's just a stupid animal!' Is that how it was, Sirius?"
A small, shuddering sob escaped him, which shook his entire body. It hurt so much. Sirius, James and Peter had all known how much he feared being found out. They knew he couldn't hide forever, but still. All Remus had ever wanted, since he was a small child was a normal life. Since he'd arrived at Hogwarts, things had looked up. Since he'd had friends. But no, he was still a monster. A freak, who should be locked up. He was a danger to himself, and others. All Sirius had done was remind him of the fact. He'd never been anything but a monster, no matter how much he kidded himself otherwise.
"Remus…" Sirius started, before stopping.
Sirius looked up at Remus, and felt a new wave of guilt crash over him, this time tinged with pity. He wasn't used to people being angry or upset at him. Or, rather, he wasn't used to caring that people were. This, Sirius decided, was the reason for violence. If you were angry, or upset, and you hit them, you felt better. The other person wouldn't feel guilty, and everything would go back to normal. He had shared that theory with James once. James had just told him it was Sirius' way of justifying hitting Lucius Malfoy. Which, they had both agreed, didn't really need any justification at all. Sirius didn't think the theory would go down too well with Remus at the moment, but it was something to tell him another time. If there was another time.
Sirius couldn't stand to see Remus so obviously upset. Sirius just wanted to put an arm around Remus. To tell him how sorry he was, and for Remus to believe it. And so he moved across, until he was next to Remus, and did just that. The worst that could happen, he reasoned, was that Remus would push him away. Then again, that was equally likely if Sirius kept his distance.
"I don't like to see you like this. And I know it's my fault, and that you probably hate me right now, and I don't blame you. I'm sorry, not that it makes any difference"
Remus tensed as arms came around him, but he soon gave up and clung to Sirius. Right now, he just needed someone. Normally it was he who was there for everyone. Sensible, rational Remus. Reliable, and levelheaded, he was the strength. But what happened when Remus couldn't be those things anymore? When all he could be was weak. A freak.
"I tried to apologise to him" He muttered, more to himself than to Sirius, "That look...he thinks I'm a monster. I...I am a monster" He pulled away from Sirius. "It's Christmas soon. I don't think I'll be back next term. What if I hurt someone? It came so close this time, and I don't want that guilt again"
"Don't say that. You can't leave me"
Sirius hadn't meant to say the words aloud. Even inside his own head, they sounded pathetic. But then again, so was the self-pity that he'd been wallowing in for the past few days. It didn't matter how bad he felt. How much he hated what he'd done. It wasn't as though he could undo it. The past couldn't be undone, no matter how bad you felt about it. The only thing that really mattered was Remus.
Remus who now thought he was a monster. Sirius had always known how paranoid Remus was about being something hideous. It was something he had never quite understood. Remus had to be the least monstrous person he had ever met. If it were James, Sirius would quite understand the fears. James was hideous and monstrous on a daily basis. But Remus? Peter was more likely to kill someone than Remus. Besides, him and James were always around Remus when he transformed. Now Remus wanted to leave for good. And, for some reason that Sirius was slightly unwilling to admit, the idea of Remus leaving upset him more than if it had been anyone else. Hence the incredibly pathetic words that had just come tumbling out.
Remus shook his head. He wouldn't leave. He couldn't. This was the one place he had ever been at home. The one place he'd had friends, however that had turned out. The one place he had ever been accepted. Even if he was still paranoid here. No, the only other option was to go back to how things should have been. He was touched that his friends had become animagi for him, but it was wrong. His wolf wouldn't like being alone again, but he couldn't allow it to run free. Not now, when it had been such a close shave last time.
"I won't leave." he announced "But from now on I'm spending my full moons in the shrieking shack like I'm supposed to...alone."
Sirius looked darkly at his friend. What good would that do? None at all. Sirius had no idea what it was like to turn into a werewolf, but he was certain it was nothing like being an animagus. It didn't hurt him to turn into the great, bearlike dog. He didn't bite himself, scar himself. He'd actually been surprised at how easy it was. Of course there had been some moments when it had gone wrong, and those hadn't been exactly pleasant, and yet he'd been happy to do it. They all had.
"Now you're just being an idiot. What good would that do anyone?" Sirius snarled.
He was angry again, and he wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was the fact it was bloody freezing in this damned wood. He shivered slightly, well aware that he looked stupid when he did so. He pulled his robes a little tighter across his chest and ran a hand through his dark hair, sighing. Sirius hated being angry with Remus, but it was hard not to be when the other was in such a self-sacrificing mood. No one would benefit from Remus transforming alone in the shack. Remus would just go crazy, and so would everyone else.
Remus matched his friend's scowl. It was true that Sirius didn't hurt himself when he transformed. However, Sirius was still Sirius, inside that dog's body. Remus was...well, a wolf. He didn't like having Sirius angry with him, but it couldn't be helped. He slowly got to his feet.
"You look cold...let's go inside" Remus remembered that Sirius didn't really like the cold. He made no comment on his decision. Odds were he wasn't going to talk about it any time soon. Remus could be stubborn too.
He didn't like having Sirius angry with him but it couldn't be helped. He had to stay put during the full moon from now on. Having the others there wouldn't help anything. He would either take his anger out on himself or who ever was there with him. And it had taken him so long to determine that James was not food. He didn't know if the stag would be safe with him.
When they reached the edge of the forest Remus stopped walking.
"Go inside." He wasn't ready to go inside just yet.
Sirius turned to look at Remus. The other boy had his stubborn face on. Well tough, Sirius thought to himself. If Remus wants to be stubborn, then two can play at that game. And unfortunately for Remus, Sirius was a master in the art of being obstinate.
"I'm not going back until you do. And if that means us both freezing our bollocks off in the forest, then so be it" He said, looking Remus in the eyes defiantly.
He wondered fleetingly if they would both end up frozen solid out here, neither one of them giving in to the other. Probably not. He didn't think Remus would let him die. Well, he hoped he wouldn't. Sirius had no real desire to stand there until time ran out and a fiery Armageddon came to devour them both. At least the fiery Armageddon would be warm though, he mused.
"Don't be so stupid, Sirius." He scowled. "Just go inside already!"
He hadn't forgiven Sirius yet. He had still betrayed Remus. Remus was still upset with him. Maybe Remus didn't want to be around Sirius. Then, it came to him. There was one place he could go, where Sirius would never follow. In fact, he doubted Sirius had ever set foot in this place since entering the castle all those years ago.
"I'm going to the library"
Sirius scowled as Remus walked off, feeling triumphant. There was no point arguing with Remus when he was being like this. He was determined to be angry, and upset, and completely annoying. Sirius knew he wasn't forgiven yet, and that Remus had every right to be angry. But to go to the library to get away from him...well, that was just Remus being a pain in the arse.
"What exactly is it you want me to do, Remus? I've said I'm sorry, and you can't hide in the library forever!" He shouted at his friend.
It came out sounding slightly more like a threat that Sirius had intended. But it was true. Sirius knew that if he could, Remus would live in the library, coming out occasionally for toast. He sighed, before retreating back to the castle. There was no point following his friend, he'd return to the common room, and plan his next attempts.