(This is meant to be humorous (no, im not talking about the bone in your arm either…)
Alice POV!
25th December 2008
The world is round.
The world is this amazing rock suspended in a geographical orbit around the sun without falling.
The world is beautiful.
The world is magical.
And those who populate this world should be locked away in the dark for the rest of eternity… for being crimes against fashion.
It is my job, no, it is my mission to make sure that justice is served!
"Alice, shut the hell up," Edward moaned, as he sat reading a fashion magazine I had forced upon him.
I glared at him before checking underneath the tin foil on his hair. He was almost done.
"Just because you can read thoughts doesn't mean I'm not allowed to think," I replied quickly before pushing his chair towards the bathroom sink.
"I hope this stuff is temporary," he mumbled.
I picked up the package and scanned it, "yup, comes out after ten washes."
"Is it from Canada?"
"Yeah…"
"Damn!"
"What?"
"I was boycotting against Canada…"
"Aww, where did Eddie learn that big word?"
"Renesmee is learning about boycotting at school."
I started to pick out the tin foil in his hair carefully.
"So why were you boycotting against Canada?"
Edward burst into tearless hysterics.
"They took Bella from me!"
I suppressed my laughter, "who told you this?"
"Bella."
"What the hell?"
"April fools!"
I rolled my eyes, "its Christmas, Eddie! Not April fools day! Dumbass!"
"So yeah, I wrote Bella a poem for Christmas," Edward told me.
"Really? That's really lovely Edward."
"Can I recite it to you? You can be my critique."
"Okay," I threw the shower head into the sink quickly before turning it on. I began to rinse Edward's hair.
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb
It is very beautiful that I am
Such a fantastic poet
And it is wonderful that I know it.
I love you, my Bella
I feel so privileged to be you fella
My Bella-ella-ella-ella eh eh
While Alice is princess
Of her palace
And Jasper
Thinks he's fucking Casper
You are
My beautiful Bella
Ella, ella, ella eh eh
You are the one
That let me have some fun
I infected you with evilish semen
And I thought you would give birth to a demon
But no,
You bestowed,
A beautiful baby girl
Who is as precious as a pearl.
Thank you, Isabella Swan
For at the crack of dawn
I see your beautiful face
With your immortal grace
You showed me what love is."
"Aw, Edward," I smiled at him. "It's adorable… in a really weird way."
"Really?" his face lit up. "Thank you Alice."
I suddenly felt a wave of pity for Bella. But I didn't trust it. My Alice-senses were tingling. Jasper was about… probably in his Casper Halloween costume. God, that boy really needed to learn something about fashion. At least Edward has the brains to let me control his fashion life.
I finished rinsing Edward's hair and towel dried it quickly before making him sit up straight. I dragged the chair he was sitting on over to the other side of the room where the hair dryer was sitting on the counter.
I also turned on my amazing ghd straightening irons that could even tackle Edward's sex hair. I mean, sex hair once or twice is awesome. But seeing it every day for the past forty odd years is a bit much and boring.
"Alice?" Rosalie's voice came from outside the bathroom. "Where is Emmett's Christmas present?"
"I dunno…" I shrugged even though she couldn't see me. "Try my closet where the next three years of Christmas presents are."
"Kay," I heard her heels tap against the floor as she left.
"So where are Bella and Nessie?" I asked. I couldn't see them in the future because Bella was with Nessie and I couldn't see Nessie.
"I told you, Canada stole Bella."
"Fuck up, Edward," I growled and slammed the hair dryer down.
I held a mirror out in front of him and he screamed at the ball of frizziness that was once his sex hair.
"I LOOK LIKE BOB MARLEY!" He squealed like a little girl.
"Your not black…"
"Stop being racist Alice."
"You really ought to wash your hair more often." I mumbled before grabbing the straightners and fighting the fluffball.
I finished in record time and then grabbed the hair gel, squirted the perfect amount of onto the palm of my hand and rubbing it in.
"Perfect," I grinned.
I bent down next to Edward and held out a camera. I smiled and took a picture of mine and Edward's head.
"HOLY SHIZZ!" Bella screamed as she entered the bathroom. "YOU LOOK LIKE TWINS!"
Edward grabbed the mirror and screamed "ALICE WHY IS MY HAIR BLACK AND SPIKY LIKE YOURS?"
"It looks awesome doesn't it!"
"NO I WANTED TO BE A BLONDIE! LIKE DAVID BOWIE IN THE FILM Labyrinth!"
"That was a wig, dear." I patted his spiky black hair. "It's okay… the dye will come out after ten washes."
"You look like an emo, Edward," Bella groaned. "But I got you a present!!"
"No, I did. Like three years ago…" I mumbled as I washed my hands.
"I want Eddies sex hair back!!"
And in the distance there was a scream…
It was a scream of joy.
A hundred million screaming fangirls ran into the bathroom…
And chased Edward into the early morning twilight, whilst Bella and Jasper talked about emo shit.
The End.