How Insensitive

It was Bobby's third day at home after the funeral. Three days' paid grievance time was the Department's standard policy. He sat on the couch, staring at the TV and realized it was just as well. I'm ready to head back to work tomorrow anyway 'cause I can't take one more episode of Maury announcing "You are the father."

He had decided almost right away to forego any paternity testing. What did it matter, anyway? He was who he was –shaped into the man he was today by the events of his life –good and bad. Whose DNA he was made from was of little consequence. When it came to everyone else, he had no qualms about voicing his opinion –that he was a proponent of nurture over nature. I'm nobody special. Why should I hold myself to a different standard?

He turned the TV off, the stereo on, and loaded a favorite old CD: Together. He knew the recording well enough to know that the first five tunes were too upbeat for his current mood, so he advanced to the sixth track and laid down on the sofa, closing his eyes as he listened. Gerri's Blues was the name of this tune. It fit.

While listening, his mind drifted away from his mother, and even farther away from whoever his father might be. Then he realized his mind wasn't drifting. "Drifting" implies an aimless journey—but my thoughts aren't aimless at all. They're heading straight to where they always do. Straight to her.

And it was when the sixth track ended that he realized the irony: his thoughts and his music were exactly in sync. The seventh track entitled "How Insensitive" began.

How insensitive. That's me.

He thought back over the past year, and the first memory to come rushing back was how his gut felt when he thought that Sebastian had kidnapped Eames. How he had envisioned her being violated and tortured. How he had prayed to whatever God would listen for her safe return. How he vowed (now feeling guilty for his empty, unfulfilled promises to those same Deities) that he would never let her go; never leave her unprotected; never let his feelings and the gratitude he held for her go unspoken.

But that's what people do in times of crisis. They pray and make promises –they plea and bargain. And after the crisis has passed, whether or not their wishes were fulfilled, they return to the routines of their normal, daily lives and eventually forget.

And he was as guilty of that as anyone else. He got caught up in work, got caught up in perpetuating the feelings he was harboring against his new Captain, got caught up in his mother's illness and drama –and got sucked in again by his brother.

And where did that leave Alex? No matter how many times she begged me to let her in –to let her help me. –verbally or just with her eyes—I left her on the outside –excluded. Why did I do that? Why do I continue to do it? When did I become so insensitive? How did I become so insensitive?

I don't want to be like this anymore. She deserves more from me. She deserves better.
There's nothing I can do about my mother, my father or my brother. But I can do something for her. For the partner –the woman, who's stood by me through thick and thin –more bad times than good –never asking for anything in return –well, except to be let in—so she could help me.

Bobby had been so deep in thought that he hadn't noticed that the music had stopped. He was laying in stillness and quiet –nothing but his own thoughts.

He remembered back to the garage at One PP --feeling the sickness in his stomach –the ache in his heart when he popped open the trunk of Alex's car and had to peel back that blood-stained blanket to potentially reveal his worst nightmare.

He remembered the prayers and pleas and bargains that ran through his mind.

It's time for me to keep up my end of the bargain, Lord. Today is a new day. Corny as it sounds, today is the first day of the rest of my life. And starting today, I want to include Ea- Alex in it.

He reached for his cell phone. He was already smiling because he knew she would answer the call.

THE END.

A/N: Just another Endgame post ep that's been rattling through this Bobby-obsessed brain.