PILOT
The High Seas, California-ish
Jack is in a dark and grimy cell room about the Shanghai; chained, bloodied, and beaten half to death
NARRATOR: This is Jack Bauer. For two decades he's worked for his nation's government, waiting for anything at all to go his way. And right now, he's not happy.
Cheng walks up smiling
CHENG: Look what we've done to you, Bow-ah.
NARRATOR: This is Jack's captor, Cheng Zhi. He is happy.
CHENG: Look what my metrosexuals have done to you.
Jack notices that he'd been not only beaten and dragged but also outfitted with a fashionable shirt and hat
NARRATOR: Cheng is thrilled that his elusive nemesis is en route to a Chinese prison, where he'll have to endure months of endless torture.
A random Chinese guy walks up and tasers Jack
NARRATOR: This is a random Chinese guy. One of the many who will surely make Jack's near future a veritable hell.
Flash to a staged group photo of the chic Chinese Interrogation Squad (CIS). Some are holding syringes, some are holding pistols, and one is holding the DVD slipcase of Kangaroo Jack
(not on boat)
NARRATOR: They work in China, where they've been celebrated for their skill in fusing brutally efficient interrogation with male model elegance.
Random Guy exits, swaggering to the door as if strutting down the runway
NARRATOR: Yes, these are Jack's enemies. So why, after all the devastation and heartbreak, does he still possess a shred of sanity? Because he hasn't met the Bluth family.
THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS
NARRATOR: Jack was feeling more optimistic about his journey on the evening of his capture.
JACK: Kill me. Just…kill me.
CHENG: I feel like we've been through this.
JACK: Again…I need to hear it again.
CHENG: Okay…"Kill you? You are far too valuable to kill Mr. Bauer."
JACK: How so?
silence
CHENG: Well, we do need a fourth.
Minutes later…
Cheng and Jack are out on the Shanghai's helipad with tennis rackets in hand while two nameless henchmen set up the net
CHENG: Mr. Bauer is with me.
The two others pick up rackets and take their position on the other side. Cheng secures Jack to prevent escape, wrapping four giant chains around his body and fastening them to the ground
Random Guy 1 bounces a ball and serves. The ball comes straight to Jack, who takes one step before collapsing over the immobilizing chains. The ball bounces past him and goes over the side of the ship. Cheng shoots Jack a dirty look
RANDOM GUY 1: Fifteen-Love.
Two sets later…
CHENG: This is no good. Mr. Bauer…I will unchain you if you promise to play your hardest despite your bitterness toward me.
JACK: I give you my word.
Moments later…
Jack tosses the ball in the air and fires it across the court, serving an ace
CHENG: Score! Well done, Mr. Bau…
Cheng turns and Jack is gone. He hears a splash
CHENG: Noooo!
A depressed Cheng pulls out a scrap of notebook paper entitled "HOPES and DREAMS", dejectedly crossing "Doubles Champion" off the list
JACK (in the water): Well that was a freebie
NARRATOR: While one ship was thrown into chaos, another was enjoying surprising success in nearby waters.
cut to the Queen Mary
NARRATOR: Lucille was fleeing from the SEC aboard the hulking Queen Mary after a disastrous party. The invited guests had voiced a collective "screw you" and jumped ship hours before, leaving only the Bluths and the nautical Hot Cops on board. Lucille now believed she was in the clear as the pursuing police boats faded from sight.
LUCILLE: Ha! That'll show them trying to arrest me. My, those Hot Sailors sure are impressive.
NARRATOR: Tobias thought so too.
cut to the steam room, where a pack of hot men are powering the ship. Tobias gazes on at their sweat-glistened bodies as they work
TOBIAS: Wow…you fellas sure do put out!
NARRATOR: Actually, the ship was moving along at a sluggish pace. The police had turned back long ago when matters had become more serious and they'd caught a lucky break.
Hours before…
Oscar is on the phone in one of the ship's dining rooms
OSCAR (into phone): You can go to hell. I would never betray my family like that, least of all Lucille.
NARRATOR: Oscar was secretly contacted by the authorities, who wished to enlist him as a mole in the effort to bring in Lucille. Oscar wanted to get on The Law's good side, hoping that they might someday compensate him for all of his wrongful arrests. But Oscar's feelings for his longtime lady-love prevailed.
VOICE ON OTHER LINE: The plan has changed, Bluth. We're not bringing her in. We just received word from CTU-Los Angeles that she may be involved in something serious. We want to track her without arousing suspicion. You are going to lead us to what she's hiding or we'll toss your stoned ass back in jail and cut the cord.
OSCAR (alarmed): What?!
VOICE: That's right. No Internet.
NARRATOR: Oscar imagined the hassle of launching "I'm Oscar" protests through ordinary snail mail, and came to a decision.
OSCAR: I'll do it.
VOICE: And take good care of the vessel. If there's even a dent when we get it back, you better pray to God that you've got another historic ship lying around somewhere…or else.
click
NARRATOR: It was Buster who first spotted him.
Buster looks out over the boat and sees something moving in the water
BUSTER: Oh my god, it's the seal! Kill it. Kill it!
Buster leaves and returns with a harpoon but is stopped by Lindsay, who takes a closer look
LINDSAY: That's not a seal, that's a man.
NARRATOR: Lindsay, known for her charity, put her caring nature into action.
LINDSAY: Gross. He's probably been in that sludge water for days. Get GOB to fish him out.
Minutes later…
Jack is hauled up and over the side of the ship. Once aboard, he falls to his knees and coughs up water onto the deck. Every Bluth on board was there to witness the strange event
GOB: Are you all right there, guy?
TOBIAS: He looks so familiar…I know I've seen his face but I can't quite place it.
JACK: Ahh…I'm fine, thank you. My name is Jack Bauer. I'm a federal agent. I need to get to a phone right away.
NARRATOR: Lucille feared that this government agent would apprehend her for her crimes.
LUCILLE: I'm sorry, I don't have a phone on me.
Lucille tosses her cell phone behind her back and into the ocean
GOB: Nah, I used mine in my last illusion. It exploded…which…was totally planned, of course.
LINDSAY: I share one with my husband. He's probably got it.
TOBIAS: I found out it was a lemon.
BUSTER: Mom doesn't let me have one.
NARRATOR: Oscar did have one, but he worried over his fate if he didn't fulfill his charge as a mole.
OSCAR: Sorry, didn't hear the question. You got any cannabis?
NARRATOR: The Queen Mary's newest guest soon became its most popular.
LINDSAY (flirting): You're very attractive. A job like yours must be all work and no fun. Would you entertain the idea of an evening with me?
JACK: Miss, my wife was ruthlessly slaughtered by my traitorous ex-lover. After driving away next girlfriend away due to a vicious drug addiction, my Mexican on-and-off suffered a bullet to her brain. And this morning I believed that I would never see my only true love again. I'm sorry, it's not the best idea right now, for my sake and yours.
LINDSAY: Oh, that's okay. We'll try again in a few hours. Sound all right?
NARRATOR: GOB felt threatened by Jack's gruff n' tough demeanor and indulged the urge to step in and impress.
GOB: You know, I'm a cop too.
GOB pulls out his badge. Jack looks at it
JACK: That says "License to Strip". And it's been voided.
GOB: …Was a cop.
JACK (to Lucille): Listen, can you turn the ship around? It is imperative that I make contact with my agency.
LUCILLE: Of course, dear…
NARRATOR: But she had no intention of doing so.
LINDSAY: Whatever you say, cowboy.
TOBIAS (pondering): 'Cowboy'…?
NARRATOR: And Tobias had a revelation.
TOBIAS (to Jack): Oh my god…you were in Brokeback, weren't you?
NARRATOR: It was Young Guns.
Tobias's face lights up
TOBIAS: That was a snub if I ever saw one! Well, I would have seen it, but…
Tobias's voice drifts off
NARRATOR: Tobias so idolized the Academy that he once went to considerable lengths to secure a job as a seat-holder on Oscar night. He was promptly escorted from the facility by building security after jumping onto Jake Gyllenhall's lap.
TOBIAS: I happen to know a thing or two about actors, Mr. Bauer, and I must say that you are one of the best I've ever seen. Please, you must teach me some pointers.
Tobias becomes giddy as Jack groans
NARRATOR: Jack quickly discovered that his years of military training didn't fully prepare him for the Bluth family.
(montage)
Gob approaches Jack
GOB: Do you believe in MAGIC?
Gob sprays lighter fluid on Jack
Lindsay approaches Jack
LINDSAY: Would you care to upload into THIS socket?
Buster approaches Jack
BUSTER: Hey, federal agent.
Buster gives Jack a shoulder rub
Tobias approaches Jack and hugs him tightly
TOBIAS: I love you.
Jack stomps on Tobias's foot
(/montage)
NARRATOR: The Bluth matriarch realized she needed to call in the family glue if she had any chance of saving herself and her family from the watchful eyes of this mysterious stranger.
LUCILLE: We need Michael.
GOB: We need ice.
JACK: I need cyanide.
NARRATOR: And as Jack gazed longingly across the ocean for any sign of the Shanghai, it hit him.
JACK: …I've made a huge mistake.
On the Next "Unusual Suspects"...
(Jack brings in the feds...)
JACK: Chloe, you have to convince the president to order a missile strike on the Queen Mary.
CHLOE: I don't know Jack, that sounds a little extreme.
JACK: Just. Do It.
(The Hot Cops take a break...)
The Hot Cops are resting and breathing heavily
TOBIAS: A full hour? I'd never be able to go that long. My wife can attest to that.
(And Jack's intimidation tactics crack Tobias, revealing his most closely guarded secret.)
JACK: You are going to tell me everythi--
TOBIAS: I'm gay.