disclaimer:

I do not own the rights to the characters used or to the song lyrics used. This fanfic is a non-profit, amateur effort not intended to infringe on the rights of anyone, either the people who own the songs or lyrics used or the owners of the characters depicted in this story. And while in this story Cristina does not consider herself a Flobots fan, I most certainly am one.

Cristina's mood just prior to finding Owen with his arms around another woman was apparent because her lips were moving as she mouthed the words to a song. She wasn't what she would consider a Flobot's fan, but she had one of their songs stuck in her head, and she was moving through the halls of the hospital with a spring in her step.

Look at me/ Look at me/ Driving and I won't stop/ And it feels so good to be/ Alive and on top

Cristina wanted to sing out loud, but she didn't want to draw attention to her happiness. Joy felt like this. Joy was wonderful. And then she saw him, and maybe she wasn't so joyful anymore. Maybe she wanted to cry a little bit in that moment, where his eyes met hers and his arms immediately dropped to his sides and he stepped back. And the woman looked over her shoulder, to see what had changed.

Crisitina didn't run. She couldn't run. She could gouge his eyes out in this moment if he dared say the wrong thing, but she couldn't run. The Flobots didn't stop, but her lips did. The words in her head were gaining volume, crowding out her thoughts.

My reach is global/ My tower secure/ My cause is noble/ My power is pure

"Cristina, I can explain," Owen said, moving toward her. The music in her head was acting like a defense mechanism, drowning everything else out.

She was able to catch what the woman said, though. The woman looked at Owen with very sad eyes and said, "I can't believe that we were going to get married, and that you ended it, by email, and now all I am is something you have to explain to another woman."

All Cristina could do was look back and forth between them, finally letting her eyes rest on Owen before nodding. "Hello, Dr. Hunt."

"Cristina," he started, but she was already backing up.

Cristina turned and walked away, quickly but taking care not to run or jog. Taking care not to flee, or at least make it look like she wasn't fleeing. She ducked into an unoccupied exam room, hoping no one had noticed her react like this. What was she doing? This was exactly why she told Meredith she didn't want to get involved with another attending. And least she and Owen had the good sense to keep their relationship quiet. Some relationship. She was so stupid. For a smart person she was so stupid.

I can hand out a million vaccinations/ Or let'em all die in exasperation/ Have'em all healed of their lacerations/ Have'em all killed by assassination/ I can make anybody go to prison/Just because I don't like'em and

"Cristina." He had followed her. He looked hurt. How dare he look hurt?

"No," she said. "No, you don't get to do this. You don't get to do this to me." She sat down, for fear that her knees would give out. She was so angry with him, all at once, all of a sudden. So andgry and it was inexplicable, because she didn't know anything about the situation.

"Crisitna, it's over. It's been over, I didn't marry her. And then time passed and I chose you." He sat next to her, so close. "I chose you and I don't want you to use this as an excuse not to choose me."

"Don't put this on me," she hissed, making an effort not to make eye contact with him. Not to disappear in that sea of blue. "I didn't do this. Don't you put this on me."

Owen shook his head. "I'm not putting anything on you. It's on you because that's how it works. I didn't give you the choice, the choice is just yours. I can't give it or take it away. It's just yours. I just don't want you to use this as an excuse to—"

She cut him off, daring a look at his face. "Email?"

Owen closed his eyes, drawing a hand over his face. And she just knew.

"How long ago?" She asked, abandoning the prior question.

"I don't know, a few months."

They sat in silence for a moment, his thigh against hers as they sat, side-by-side. But unlike their other interactions, he wasn't providing much comfort this time. He looked like he was thinking about maybe not saying anything, about surrendering a fight he didn't want to lose. But he did speak, finally, his voice quiet but controlled. "Look, this is up to you. I made my choice, I made my choice with her and then I made my choice with you. And maybe something came back to bite me in the ass but I didn't change my mind. I didn't stop choosing you, or needing you."

Her breath caught in her throat, because he'd never admitted to needing her before. Had denied it before. When had their simple fling gotten complicated? When did she start needing him? Needing him to make her laugh? Needing to drop by the ER just to catch a glimpse of him.

"Nothing is different right now, Cristina. You just know more about before. And if you decide that you don't want to work at this, then that's fine. But that is on you. Because I'm here,a nd I'm not going to pull away. If you want me gone you're going to have to push."

Cristina looked at the wall, looked at the ceiling, looked at her hands in her lap. She looked anywhere but at him, her expression stony and unchanged. His pager went off, and he looked at the display, looking like he wanted to choke someone. "I have to go."

"Go," Cristina said as Meredith appeared in the doorway.

Meredith watched Hunt leave with some interest. He glanced her way as he brushed past, his mouth set in a grim line.

I can do anything with no permission/ I have it all under my command

"Cristina?" Meredith asked, glancing back over her shoulder to watch Hunt leave. Cristina looked up at her, tired and defeated. Meredith had come to tell her about Izzie, to tell her that George was right, something is wrong with Izzie, but seeing her friend, her person, sitting alone and shell-shocked made her hold her tongue. Now was their chance, to get it back. If she told Cristina about Izzie, Cristina would have an excuse to avoid this conversation. And if Cristina had any more time to process whatever she's dealing with, she'd put her guard up, and process everything from behind a wall.

Meredith sat down next to Cristina. The chair was warm, which made her realize Dr. Hunt must have been sitting here, next to Cristina. Was she sick, too? What was going on? What would Cristina and Dr. Hunt have to talk about, huddled up together in an exam room.

Cristina still hadn't said anything. She was bent over now, looking at the floor, her hands clenching and unclenching into and out of little fists. Derek had once told Meredith that he liked her "ineffectual little fists". Where had that Meredith gone? Where had the fight gone? And where had Cristina gone?

"So... you and Dr. Hunt?" Meredith asked.

"So me and Dr. Hunt," Cristina said, her confirmation barely above a whisper.

Meredith wanted to smile, wanted to hear about everything she had missed. Wanted to close the door and gab like best friends. Wanted to pull Cristina to her feet and take her jogging so that, exhausted, they could collapse in the grass and stare up at the trees. She had missed that connection. But Cristina still wasn't talking.

"So... not a stupid nothing?"

Cristina pursed her lips, rested her elbows on her knees and shook her head. "So not a stupid nothing." She put emphasis on the word 'so', drawing it out to twice its usual length.

They sat in silence for a minute, before Cristina said, "His fiancee is down the hall. Ex-fiancee. Whatever."

Meredith was quiet, sensing this was not the time to speak. After a moment Cristina continued. "I was so worried that Burke was it, the love of my life. And then for while I wasn't," Meredith's heart jumped wildly, hearing Cristina's words. She ached for her friend, ached for the missed opportunity to be there for Cristina's love story, on the sidelines cheering her on. But the rift between them had kept her out. "I wasn't worried because this was so different, and so much better. And I felt so free. Not trapped or scared. No, that's a lie, I'm scared because he is Burke. He was going to marry someone, and then he walked away. And all I can be is grateful that he did, because I want this so--" Cristina broke off the sentence, choking on her own words.

Meredith reached out and put her arm around Cristina, who didn't have the energy to bristle. "You know this--" Cristina started a wary objection to the physical gesture, but Meredith stopped her.

"Shut up," Meredith said, resting her head on Cristina's shoulder. "I'm your person. And this is our story too, Cristina. And it's a big story, without stupid boys and stupid boy penises. This is our love story, and I don't want to miss anymore of it. You're my sister and I can't do this without you."

Cristina leaned into the hug, mollified. "You can't just leave someone like that. You can't just make someone put on a white gown and leave them at the altar. You just do that!"

"Cristina?" Meredith asked quietly, incredulous. Because what were the odds?

Cristina realized her mistake. "Crap. I meant email. He broke up with her by email."