ICE COLD FIRE

hee hee, I love the title! Once again, inspired by the song scars by papa roach.

Ita-chan's POV

I didn't want to be like this in the starting. Not at all. And I can't completely remember the day when I wasn't like this. I can't remember childish naivete. I can't remember cuteness. I can't remember a good kind of stupidity.

And everyone else thought this was for the best. Look at what I've become and tell me it was for the best. Is this heart of ice the best thing that could happen? And maybe I was driven to do this, because all that's left is a slowly dying fire, coated by ice.

An ice cold fire. You can touch and touch and you'll never be burned. All you will get is frost bite. Because it's so cold.

My passion? I have no passion. Nothing that will make my heart burn the way I want it to. Maybe that's why I want my brother to kill me? Cold fire is worse then a broken heart. Because at one point or another, someone will take crazy glue to the shattered pieces, fixing it.

But no one can ever fix a frozen fire. Because that's just how the world works.

I always keep people at arms length. Is it to protect me, or them? How many times has my heart been broken? Never. I'm too far away. I'm not human anymore. And the question is do I want to be? Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. Maybe I want people close to me, so I can hold them tight and never let go.

But when I try. When I pull them close, and tell them I love them, when I pull away, their frozen solid. With ugly looks on their faces. Like they hate me.

What's the use of a fire that freezes? I need passion. I am a machine. Or at least this is what my father told me. I am a machine that asks no questions, only does, with no voicing of opinion. I have no soul. I put no emotion into my actions. It's like watching a TV show, with you as the star. Watching everything from far away.

I feel dead.

I closed myself off like this for a reason. At first it was so I wouldn't hurt. I wouldn't hurt when my father told me I should be training and not playing with others. I was sheltered. Can you raise a machine, using love? No. They didn't shelter because they loved me. They sheltered because they didn't want me to know what love was. I hate the way I am. I hate it, I hate it!

I feel nothing. People think I am this way so I could be strong. Yes I'm strong, very, according to other people, but I'm so empty. Soulless. Nothing, nothing at all. Can you be a shell of someone, when that person wasn't there in the start?

I think... it started when I was 3... and I was crying all alone. I gave up that day. I decided to die. I decided I'd be what my father wanted.

I would die. At least... my inside would. There would be nothing left but that deep hate of my self, and my own insanity, that is nobodies fault but my own. I hate me. Hate is not power. Hate is pain. Hate makes me hurt. Because every time I think of hate and the way I am, I hurt, because I'm putting thought into this.

And I can't do that. Not if I want to keep my soullessness. But I don't. And in my opinion I sound like a lost child. I feel like a lost child. But am I really all that dead, am I really all that lost? I can't be, not if I feel. Not if I feel that deep, deep loneliness that reaches into my soul. I must be alive, somewhere inside of me.

If only I had a match. A match...

OWARI!

I hope you get what he means when he says he wishes he had a match. I hope you enjoyed! Peace and love! RXR!

— Kougyoku