Lost In My Head BitzerClucky
Sean was right. As much as I hate to admit it, it's true. I need to stop obsessing over it and move the fuck on. It's like I don't even know myself anymore. I don't like this shit. Baby steps, that's what I need to do. Baby steps to get my shit together. First and foremost I need to stop looking at this picture. It's just a painful reminder that I was indeed very happy that night in Arizona. Just as Sean said, it was the happiest I've ever been. How did it all get so fucked?
I suppose it wont hurt to lay here a little longer before I peal this god awful uniform off for the night. I'm just so tired. Physically tired from working crazy hours these past few months and mentally tired from trying to figure out what I'm suppose to be doing and morally tired from once again jumping into bed with someone I really don't care about. Sure Eammon is a good cop and fun to be with but really, why did I fall back on my old ways? Why sleep with him?
My track record with making colossal messes of my love life goes way back. All the way to the backseat of Joey Caputo's Camaro. Why on earth I thought it would be a good idea to let that jackass be my first is beyond me. It was the most awkward and unromantic thirty seconds of my life. Joey was just one in a long line of ill fitted romances from my youth. It's a divine miracle that I didn't either end up with an STD or knocked up.
When I got into the academy I decided to forgo men and concentrate on becoming the best cop I could be. I finally found a purpose and if I were the type to wax poetic, I found my calling. I put everything I had into learning and training to become the best cop I could be. One that my father could be proud of. As much as I really don't give a shit what people think about me, my father is the one exception. When I graduated at the top of my class and saw his look of approval I finally felt like I belonged.
I wasn't celibate by any means but I had made more thoughtful and discreet choices. Men whom I knew would be able to get the job done. No more backseat romances. I was making a name for myself at the station too. My hard work was getting noticed. I earned citations and praise from the higher ups. I even caught the eye of one of the detectives. We'd worked a few cases together and met up in the bar one night and hit it off. Ed fucking Gorski. He was funny and sexy and just a bit crazy. It was exciting, satisfying and dirty. I loved it. And then I didn't. He always took it to just the edge, then pulled back. After awhile, his idea of the edge started crossing into an area I didn't feel quite comfortable with. Then I found out he was married. Fucking married! That along with his ever increasing erratic behavior was the end for me. I called it off. Backed away from him and once again swore off men.
I refocused on my career. Not that I let it suffer by any means but I made it my main focus again. Which is why I wasn't expecting Sean Keegan. He wasn't the type of guy I would normally take a second look at which is why he seemed so attractive at the time. I figured since my last step into romance was a cluster fuck I may as well choose the complete opposite in a man. Sean was a 9-5 white-collar kind of guy. He wasn't macho or dangerous. He was safe and consistent. He was the kind of guy that wouldn't take chances in life. He was just what I needed. I found him easy to love. I know now that I never was in love with him but I did love him. When all that shit went down at work and Gorski started stalking me, Sean took a transfer and got us away from it all. A new start where no one knew us or the shit we went through.
I never dreamed I'd meet a man like Walt Longmire or that I would fall head over heels for him. Sean was gone all the time and when he wasn't we fought like crazy. The only thing that kept me going was partnering with Walt. For all the complaining I did. All the whining about how we did it this way or that way back in Philly I felt a connection with not only Walt but also this god forsaken end of the earth, middle of nowhere county. We went through some serious shit together. Walt was there for me in his quiet unassuming way more times than I can count. After the Chance Gilbert incident I realized Sean and I were over. There was no coming back from that and honestly I didn't mind. Sure when I got the divorce papers it was a shock but I didn't fight it. Why fight for a loosing cause that you really don't care about anyway. After some time had passed, I felt it was time for me to make my move with Walt. If I waited for him to make a move we'd never get anywhere.
Why I thought it'd be a good idea to show up at Walt's cabin with my tits on display and a six-pack of beer is beyond me. Just one more fucked up act on my part. I'm just so thankful he wasn't there. We are all so wise in hindsight. That's not saying I wanted what happened with Branch and Barlow to happen but showing up at Walt's they way I had planned wasn't the way to get Walt's attention. Oh sure I'd get his attention all right but he's not that kind of man.
So here I am, feeling sorry for myself in my dirty uniform rehashing every mistake I've ever made. This will get me nowhere. Enough is enough. I need to make the changes necessary to begin again. Begin again with myself and with Walt. Get back to our friendship and hopefully move it forward.
As I pull the photo out one last time, I notice I've got three missed calls and one text on my phone. I must have really been inside my head not to hear the phone. One call from Walt, one from Ruby and one from Ferg as well as a text. WTF. I open the text, it's from Ferg and it says, "911 Walt's cabin, its bad hurry." Fuck me.