Thank you to Little Master for your character idea.
Dear SiriousB1,
There is this guy, right? I won't say his name, but let's just say he walks around incognito. (HINT, HINT!) So, as I was saying, this guy follows me around everywhere. I really am beginning to think that he is stalking me. Now, I have two reasons as to why he might be stalking me. The first is that he wants to kill me. I know because he told me so. But, I'm afraid that this might just have been a cover-up for my second reason: the fact that he might like me. Now, I personally am not gay, but I'm thinking that I might have the kind of effect on men that leaves them with something happy in their pants. I mean, I have the potential! My master and my other vampire friend both are female and they swoon over me constantly. So, why shouldn't guys love me?! Um...did I really say that? Moving along, I am beginning to become exceptionally nervous about him stalking me because yesterday I found out that he doesn't wear anything under that trench coat of his! And, no, I did not find out because I tried looking! (Fucking perverts...) But, as I was resting on a bench last night, basking in the moonlight, he ran up to me. He opened his coat (which had been wrapped tightly around him), yelled, "Greetings from New York!" did a little dance to emphasize his member (which is not that big, by the way) and ran away! The man is a maniac! The fact that he paints purple stripes all over his bare skin doesn't discourage that fact, either! He's really beginning to make me nervous, if not paranoid. What can I do to get rid of this psychotic, stalker vampire?
Yours truly,
Stalked Protestant Master Vampire
Dear Master Vampire,
Well, that was an odd letter. A stalker, huh? You're right; he sounds like a crazy. I don't think I've ever heard of a combination stalker/ flasher. But, hey! There's a first for everything, right? There are several options for you to get rid of this stalker. One: Kill him. Two: Ask him to leave you alone. I'm surprised that you haven't tried this option yet. You'd think that would be the first thing you'd do! Three: Report to the CIA or FBI or whoever handles these sort of things. Let them figure it out. Or, last but not least...Four: Go to some sort of government agency (I'm not sure if it's one of the ones listed above or someone entirely different) and get them to change your name, appearance, etc. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger's profession in the movie Eraser. You get what I'm talking about? Anyway, that is all I can think of. I'd say your best bet is number one. I mean, I'm sure option number three would handle killing him too, but if you do it yourself you don't have to pay anyone. Or, at least, you won't have to let anyone else in on the embarrassing topic of being stalked by a midnight flasher.
Sincerely,
SiriousB1
A/N: Okay, well, since FF.net has "cleaned up its act", so to speak, I decided I'd try re-posting my advice columns. For those of you who have magically read them before, you might remember them all suddenly disappearing from existance. Well, some readers who were deeply offended by my use of language and sardonic tones reported me and my stories were removed. Sadly, many of them were lost forever because I neglected to buy Norton and I got a virus on my computer, deleting all of my Word documents. However, I have Norton now and I am searching my room for random scraps of paper that might possibly contain saved notes from the columns. Feel free to send advice questions (in a specific character or not) via FF.net's review system or my e-mail (siriousb1yahoo.com); I am always looking for things to do other than pay attention during Health class, so this is a critical step! Thank you for listening to this retarded rambling; hope you enjoyed it.