Preface: We were fortunate enough to obtain, from an anonymous source at the Department of Administrative Affairs, records of the communications between Mr. Holmes and his friend Dr. John H. Watson regarding the beginnings of his autobiography.

The transcript of this series of text messages is faithfully reproduced below.

"John?" - Sherlock Holmes 10:15AM

"John? Are you there?" - Sherlock Holmes 10:15AM

"John?" - Sherlock Holmes 10:15AM

"John?" - Sherlock Holmes 10:15AM

"John? " - Sherlock Holmes 10:15AM

"What? This better be important Sherlock, I'm about to scrub in." - John Watson 10:16AM

"Write me an autobiography" - Sherlock Holmes 10:16AM

"?" - John Watson 10:17AM

"Autobiography" - Sherlock Holmes 10:17AM

"Mine"- Sherlock Holmes 10:17AM

"Write" - Sherlock Holmes 10:17AM

"Please?"- Sherlock Holmes 10:17AM

"? Isn't that a little vain even for you?"- John Watson 10:19AM

"It's for Mycroft" - Sherlock Holmes 10:19AM

"?" - John Watson 10:19AM

"As part of my return to London, my big brother foolishly agreed to a committee evaluation of my psychiatric soundness" - Sherlock Holmes 10:19AM

"Their words, not mine" - Sherlock Holmes 10:19AM

"So?" - John Watson 10:20AM

"And part of that evaluation is a case log" - Sherlock Holmes 10:20AM

"By me"- Sherlock Holmes 10:20AM

"Lol" - John Watson 10:20AM

"LOL" - John Watson 10:20AM

"LMAO!" - John Watson 10:20AM

"'Dr. Watson's blog is completely unreliable. It is a cheap advertising scheme and should be seen as such. His portrayal of Sherlock Holmes as the fantastic, eccentric protagonist caters more to the imagination and internet sensationalism than reality,'"- Sherlock Holmes 10:20AM

"Also their words" - Sherlock Holmes 10:21AM

"I thought my blog was very down to earth!" - John Watson 10:21AM

"Very trustworthy." - John Watson 10:21AM

"Else we never would have gotten that many clients." - John Watson 10:22AM

"So... Autobiography?" - Sherlock Holmes 10:22AM

"Can't Mycroft get somebody to do it? Isn't that what he does?" - John Watson 10:22AM

"He said no." - Sherlock Holmes 10:22AM

"I think it is revenge for making him morbidly obese in my hallucinations." - Sherlock Holmes 10:22AM

"He's always so petty." - Sherlock Holmes 10:22AM

"I can't receive any information on the Moriaty case until I at least pretend to cooperate, so just write them something" - Sherlock Holmes 10:22AM

"Honestly, what's the use of having the British government as a big brother if he doesn't send you highly classified information upon command?" - Sherlock Holmes 10:22AM

"I'm busy now, maybe later." - John Watson 10:25AM

"But I NEED CASE FILES NOW!" - Sherlock Holmes 10:25AM

"Well, I gotta go, dying patient and all. Go bug Lestrade." - John Watson 10:25AM

"Fine." - Sherlock Holmes 10:25AM

"Going to bug Lestrade, will keep you posted" - Sherlock Holmes 10:25AM

"Found Lestrade at crime scene" - Sherlock Holmes 10:32AM

"Double murder" - Sherlock Holmes 10:32AM

"Married ex-soldier and mistress" - Sherlock Holmes 10:32AM

"Two clean shots to the head" - Sherlock Holmes 10:32AM

"It was an old war buddy of his, killed the mistress to blame the wife, but the first shot was from 50 feet away, she never would have hit" - Sherlock Holmes 10:32AM

"BORING" - Sherlock Holmes 10:32AM

"Lestrade won't share his files with me." - Sherlock Holmes 10:37AM

"Apparently I'm only permitted back as a 'special consultant' on the Moriaty case, everything from Scotland Yard is off limits" - Sherlock Holmes 10:37AM

"He still refuses even after I threatened to distribute all the porn on his laptop to every electronic device in the department" - Sherlock Holmes 10:37AM

"I will ask Mary to make good on my threat- I'm a man of my word after all" - Sherlock Holmes 10:37AM

"Mary said yes" - Sherlock Holmes 10:39AM

"Mary said no to writing my autobiography" - Sherlock Holmes 10:41AM

"Will try bribing Lestrade into giving me cold cases" - Sherlock Holmes 10:41AM

"He needs it, just look at his glasses" - Sherlock Holmes 10:41AM

"What does his glasses have to do with it?" - John Watson 10: 41AM

"You can see by the way he's been straining for the past couple of days that he needs new glasses, but he's not gotten them yet, why? It's not the workload, he'd at least give me a hint if anything new stumps him, so it must be money. It must be recent, that nice suit is obviously new. And it's not medical, or he would have asked you. London just released a bunch of prisoners on parole to save public funding. Conclusion? His brother with the gambling problem is back on the street" - Sherlock Holmes 10:41AM

"Are you done with your appendectomy?" - Sherlock Holmes 10:42AM

"How did you know what surgery I was doing? Did you break into my phone again?" - John Watson 10:43AM

"It's the timing John" - Sherlock Holmes 10:43AM

"You were back in 16 minutes, including cleaning up I presume. Appendectomy is the only surgery you do that can be completed in that time frame but may still prove to be fatal if left untreated" - Sherlock Holmes 10:43AM

"Will you write my autobiography now?" - Sherlock Holmes 10:43AM

"Pretty please?" - Sherlock Holmes 10:43AM

"How much do they need before they'd let you see the case files?" - John Watson 10:45AM

"A page should do it for now, don't want to spoil them" - Sherlock Holmes 10:45AM

"I'll see what I can do about making you seem nicer. But it Is supposed to be your AUTObiography, so you'll still sound like a jackass. Which case? A Study in Pink?" - John Watson 10:45AM

"Probably best to start with Baskerville" - Sherlock Holmes 10:45AM

"Explain away breaking into a federal facility and all" - Sherlock Holmes 10:45AM

"The Hounds of Baskerville then?" - John Watson 10:46AM

"The Psycho-Hallucinogens of Dartmoor Research Facilities" - Sherlock Holmes 10:46AM

Except from "Psycho Hallucinogens of Dartmoor Research Facilities"

The first piece of relevant from the Dartmoor case was Bluebell. The case of an 8 year-old girl asking me to find her glow-in-the-dark pet rabbit, which had mysteriously disappeared.

It wasn't one of my better days. Not only was I in desperate need of a case, I had also been cut off cold turkey, so I dismissed Bluebell without a second thought. I mean the case was obvious. The rabbit got sick and the parents threw it out, telling her it became a fairy and flew away. How was I supposed to guess that the rabbit actually was radioactive? I would need far more information about the girl and her parents, which in most cases, would be an utter waste of time and prime real estate in my brain.

John called it a lucky coincidence.

Of course, I don't believe in coincidences, I believe in probability. The probability that countless interesting cases were given utterly mundane descriptions by utterly mundane people. It pains me to think how many cases I didn't get my hands on because the all the relevant details were completely left out of the police reports and case descriptions."

A/N: In case you read this before, the first chapter is basically completely overhauled.

Alas, I had foolishly tried to write a 1st person story in Sherlock's POV, which in fact isn't even remotely within my writing capacity. So text messages it is, it's so much easier to only conversations and ignore all descriptions of person, place and thing.