I Won't Say

A week. It'd been a week since I'd left Adrian standing in the doorway to his apartment. A week since he had kissed me and I had a meltdown. I still hadn't faced him, sending Eddie off with Jill to feedings so I wouldn't have to face him. It was childish of me, but I didn't care. It was better this way.

Oh, he'd tried to call me. My mailbox was full of unopened text messages and ignored voice mails, over 70 when combined. I even went so far as to delete his emails. But every time I'd erase one, another would appear in its place. He was certainly determined, I'd give him that.

I felt badly about the way things had ended between us. I knew I was harsh, taking it out on him when it wasn't entirely his fault. I wasn't really angry with him. He likely thought I was, but I wasn't. I was mad at myself for letting it go this far. Looking back, I could see times when I'd encouraged him. This messed-up situation we were stuck in, his feelings- they were my fault. A good Alchemist would have kept our relationship all-business. I should have prevented this. I should've been more careful around him.

○•○

I was in my dorm typing up yet another assignment for Ms. Terriwilliger. Once again I was required to create and test a spell of my choice and write a paper on my findings. The particular spell I was working on was one meant to restrain. It was to be used in situations where the caster needed to escape, but couldn't because of another's interference. The restraint spell was slightly more advanced than the others I'd made in the past and required a bit more mind-power on my part. It was still mostly reliant on the physical components of the charm to work, but Ms. Terriwilliger believed I was ready to move up a level after my successful effort at scrying.

I still believed that humans using magic was wrong. We shouldn't have access to that kind of power, but I could certainly see the use of such a spell after the situation I had just escaped from with the Warriors. If I'd used this spell in the alley that night with Sonya or in the arena, maybe things would have been different. I could have protected myself. I realized what I was thinking and shook it off. No, this is wrong. Humans and magic should not mix.

I closed my laptop and climbed off my bed, wandering to my desk and my one-cup coffee maker. I could feel a headache beginning to form in my temples. I needed another caffeine fix. I lifted the bag of coffee grounds I always left nearby and frowned, shaking the package. The expected sound of the ground beans didn't come. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion as I peered down into the bag. Empty.

"I just bought this yesterday," I muttered and tossed it into the bin, which I realized was full of used cups. I guess I'd had a few more cups than I thought. I wandered back to the bed and plopped back down, setting my laptop back open on my crossed knees. Before I could get back to work, a noise came from my phone. I had another text.

It's probably just Adrian, again. I didn't make any move to answer it.

But what if it was Jill or Eddie? What if there was more trouble? I replayed the scene in the arena with the Warriors again. We'll come for them eventually anyway, once we've defeated the Strigoi. What if they decided to take care of this particular Moroi a bit earlier than the rest? I quickly turned on the screen to my phone and opened the message.

Adrian:

Clearly none of my other messages have made any impact on you. But I just wanted to tell you… I'm sorry. Not for kissing you. I'm not sorry about that at all, but the rest. Can we please talk about this?

I knew I shouldn't do it. A good Alchemist would have deleted the message and ignored him. But then again, I hadn't been a good Alchemist in a long time. I kept it short and sweet, wanting to get it over with as quickly and simply as possible. I didn't want to argue with him again.

Sydney:

No.

The instant I sent the message, I regretted it. I had just given him what he wanted. I'd retaliated. Anxiety coursed through me as I waited for his reply. Surely, he wasn't about to let this go. The reply was almost immediate.

Adrian:

Why not?

What he'd said in his apartment that night, about him understanding how Alchemists felt about the Moroi, came to mind. He didn't even know the half of it. Our feelings towards his kind in general played a role in this, yes, but that certainly wasn't my main reason. Over the past month I'd inadvertently grown close to Eddie, Jill, Angeline and Adrian in a way I'd never done with any one of my own kind. They had become my friends, my family. Around them, the fear that used to engulf me when around their kind had faded away. I wasn't afraid of them. I actually enjoyed being around them. It was more the consequences of my actions I was worried about.

Sydney:

Because.

Adrian:

One word answers, Sage? I think you can give a bit me more than that.

I groaned. I just wanted this to be over with. I wished we could go back to last week, back before I'd known, even back before he started feeling this way. But I knew there was no going back now. His feelings existed and he'd already expressed them. I was stuck.

Sydney:

There's nothing to talk about.

Adrian:

Can you just meet me for coffee at Spencer's? It's a public place. I promise there won't be any funny business. We'll just talk.

I considered this, only talking, coffee, and no funny business. It seemed reasonable enough, but I was still hesitant. I didn't want to talk about this. I wanted to ignore it, to pretend it never happened at all. To do this would be like pulling the stitches out of a healing wound. I'd be taking five steps back. Before I could reply 'no', another message came through.

Adrian:

Please?

I sighed and cradled my head in my hands. I didn't want this. I wanted it to just go away on its own. But the wiser part of me knew deep down that ignoring it would only make it worse. If I at least faced him and told him upfront that nothing was going to happen between us, there was a chance to go back to normal. Well, not normal, but to a safer middle ground. I stood up and slipped on my shoes, a pair of plain brown flats that went with my pair of light wash jeans and my white floral blouse decorated with small roses. I took my keys and my purse and was out the door, texting him back as I shut the door behind me.

Sydney:

Okay, I'm leaving now.

○•○

"Please, don't be another Rose."

I turned to find Jill sitting alone on the steps outside our dorm room. She was still being excluded from her group of friends, including Micah, and now that Eddie and Angeline were kind-of dating, she spent most of her time alone. I felt awful but knew that interfering wouldn't help her any. After all, I was socially inept. What could I do?

She was watching me with her intense jade eyes and her lips were turned down in a soft frown. I had no idea what she was talking about, another Rose? How could I be another Rose? My expression must have shown my misunderstanding because she translated.

"Rose broke his heart. And as much as he tries to pretend it doesn't, it still hurts him." Her voice was full of sympathy for him. "I mean, he's over her. His eyes are only set on you. But the way she used him and then just tossed him aside, he's not over that yet."

"Jill-" I tried to explain myself but she lifted a hand to silence me. I complied.

"Just don't break his heart. He doesn't deserve it." She said simply, standing up and disappearing back into the building. I was left standing there in the shade of a nearby palm tree, my stomach churning at the idea of being the cause of another of his heartbreaks.

○•○

By the time I finally pulled up in front of Spencer's, well over ten minutes had passed. I wondered if he was still here. Maybe he'd given up and gone home, taking my absence as my answer. And while I was planning to say no again, I didn't want it to be in that way. I didn't want to be cruel.

The familiar sound of a car starting up caught my attention. He was still here, but he was about to leave. I hurried out of my car and across the lot, still unconsciously keeping my eyes on my environment to make sure it was safe. Whether it had been picked up from my self-defense classes or from being around so many dhampir, I wasn't sure.

I reached his car, I found him gripping the tire angrily and muttering to himself. I couldn't hear what he was saying through the shut windows, but the look on his face said enough. He thought I'd bailed on him. I knocked on the window.

His head shot up and he looked me in the eyes, relief washing over his features. I was glad he wasn't upset anymore, but that didn't make me feel any less uncomfortable. I waved awkwardly and forced a small smile. He rolled down the window.

"You're here," Adrian breathed. His eyes were bloodshot and his hands were trembling. I could smell alcohol on his breath, scotch, I thought if I knew my types correctly. "I didn't think you would show up… I was just about to go by the school."

Oh, great. So even if I hadn't come he would've found me anyway, and at the school of all places. That was great news.

"You're drinking and driving?" I exclaimed. "Are you insane?"

He smirked. "Why, Sage, I thought we've been over this. You already know I'm insane."

"That's different," I argued. I didn't bother to argue that, even though I deep down really didn't believe he was all that insane. "This isn't just insanity, this is stupidity. You could have hurt yourself or someone else."

"Calm yourself, Sage." He opened the door so I could see the rest of him. His clothes were wrinkled and looked as if they hadn't been washed. I also noticed that his hair was a mess. Not just it's usual stylish messy, but like he hadn't brushed it today. I winced. This was bad. I'd never seen Adrian look so... not Adrian-like. "I'm not drunk anymore. This is what we drinkers call a hangover."

"DUH is still a crime, Adrian." I informed him much to his delight.

"There's a law called 'duh'?" He asked and I rolled my eyes. His face turned serious. "Okay, I'm sorry. I'll be normal."

I scoffed. "I'll believe it when I see it."

Adrian glanced over my shoulder to the coffee shop, nodding in its direction. "Do you want to talk inside or…?" I presumed the 'or' part meant in his car.

"Inside," I answered quickly and he frowned. He'd wanted to be alone, but I guess he'd really meant it when he said 'no funny business'. He wanted me to trust him. "I mean, if that's okay with you."

Adrian smiled, but I had a feeling it was just for show. "Whatever you want, Sage," He climbed out of the car and followed me to the building, silent the entire walk there.

My inner voice nagged at me. You should have ignored the text. You should never have come here.

He opened the door and gestured for me to go before him. I thanked him and he nodded a silent 'you're welcome' to go with our awkward silence.

"Should I order or…?" I asked.

He shook his head. "No, I've got it. You go sit down. Skinny vanilla late, right?"

"Yeah," I said, little surprised. "How'd you know that?"

He captured my eyes with his deep green eyes. "I told you. I know you better than anyone else." Before I could reply, he turned and headed for the counter.

A little bit dazed, I chose a table on the other side of the shop. It was a window seat with a view of the road but it was on the side where the sunlight wasn't shining directly through. We would both benefit. I would have my view and he would be shaded from the brutal California sun.

When Adrian joined me, holding my precious coffee, he was smiling. I took my drink and immediately took a sip. It burned my tongue but I didn't mind. Caffeine was caffeine.

"Nice choice. Not too much sun but not quite sacrificing the beautiful view of retiree cars." He said, blowing on his coffee to cool it.

I arched an eyebrow. "No cream and sugar?"

"Hangover remedy," He explained. "You're supposed to add lemon juice too, but I didn't see any up there."

"I don't know about that Adrian, I read that black coffee makes hangovers worse." I said, watching him take a sip. "It said that sports drinks- you know, like Gatorade are the best for easing the affects of hangovers."

Now it was his turn to raise an eyebrow. "You researched hangover remedies?" And there I go again, putting ideas in his head. Now he must think it means something.

I shook my head. "Just something I came across a while ago in Russia. They're really into their vodka over there."

"And they're probably experts," He said seriously. "Their vodka kills."

I really didn't want to talk about Adrian's vast knowledge of alcoholic beverages right now. I came here for a reason, and that was to talk about what happened. We needed to deal with this now and reason it through before it went any further.

"Adrian," I said in a voice that made him look up from his coffee curiously. "We need to talk."

"Okay," He said, dragging out the word. "Then we'll talk."

I looked down at my hands and folded them. This was business. We weren't hanging out. We were discussing important matters. I needed to be serious about this.

"About what happened at your apartment," I said slowly, choosing my words carefully. I had to force my next words out. "That was a mistake."

I couldn't look at him. I knew what I'd see, disappointment. Maybe even anger.

"Doesn't feel like a mistake," He said pleasantly, surprising me. Though, really I should have expected it. Adrian was stubborn. He wasn't going to just let this go or force me to agree with him. He wanted me to do it on my own.

I kept my voice quiet and firm, leaving no room for argument. "Well, it was. And it can't happen again."

He groaned. "Come on, Sydney."

I winced. Whenever he used my first name, not my last,- which had become his sort-of nickname for me- I felt something. My stomach felt weird, fluttery.

"Don't you understand the consequences of this? What this… predicament we have could cause for the both of us?" I finally peered up and met his eyes. They were full of confusion. "We could get in trouble for this, a lot of trouble."

He didn't look concerned in the least by this. A mocking smile appeared on his lips. "How? The Moroi, while they'll surely disapprove, won't stop us. And I'm sure it won't make the Alchemists too happy, but you don't need them. You said you wanted to study architecture, right? You can go to college."

As wonderful as the idea of going to college sounded, I knew it was impractical. The Alchemists wouldn't just be unhappy, they would be furious. They wouldn't allow it. He really didn't understand this at all, it seemed.

"Adrian, they'd send me away." I told him, hoping he could see in my eyes that I really was telling the truth. This wasn't a joke; this was real, "To a re-education center. That's where they sent Keith. It's supposed to rehabilitate those who've become too close to vampires, Moroi, Strigoi, or even dhampir, to remind them of their- your 'evil'."

The Alchemists put up and worked with them, unlike the Warriors, but we certainly still disliked them. Involving myself with him would break every single rule the Alchemists had neatly laid out for us. I would end up just like Keith, banging on one-way mirrors and shouting for help that would never come.

Adrian didn't seem to know how to reply to that at first. Shock was written all over his face, laced with what I could only guess was guilt. It was still sinking in.

"I-I didn't know that," He said quietly. "I just thought it was, you know, what you were taught- that you were afraid to betray them. I didn't think there would be other consequences."

"It's not something the Alchemists generally tell the Moroi." I said. "We try to keep the peace, not start fights. This would likely start one."

He was quiet for a few moments and I ticked them off in my head. About a minute passed before he said anything. And when he did, it was so quiet I was surprised my human ears could pick it up.

"They're not going to take you away," He said sternly.

"You can't stop them," I said softly, not wanting to upset him any more than he already was. "The Alchemists… they'll find a way."

Adrian met my eyes with a look that said more than words could. He was serious, as dead serious as any guardian. In that moment I was almost convinced he was capable of anything. "I won't let them."

I broke our eye contact and looked out the window. A bitter laugh escaped my mouth. "And how do you plan to stop them, Ivashkov?"

"My great-aunt was the queen of the Moroi, one of my closest friends currently is queen of the Moroi, and my bond-mate is her half-sister." A gave me a ghost of his usual smirk. "I have quite a few connections in the Royal Court."

"I think the queen has enough on her plate as it is without taking on the task of hiding and protecting an Alchemist runaway," I said. The last thing the Moroi needed was a war with the Alchemists. They were already trying to prevent civil war. "Not now, always, between changing the legitimacy law and the assassins."

"She helped me with my dad though," He pointed out. "You managed to get her to set aside all that just to talk to him for me."

"Actually, Dimitri and Sonya talked to her." I confessed. I recalled telling him this on the night of the Halloween dance, at his apartment. But he was drunk and I wasn't sure if the information had stuck with him. "I only asked them to speak to her. She probably only listened because they asked."

Adrian shook his head. "Yeah, you told me that. But I talked to Lissa when you left that night. She listened because of you."

That certainly caught me off guard. Suddenly, the heat of my latte became more obvious and I swallowed back the gulp I'd just taken, the liquid burning the whole way down. "She... Queen Vasilisa listened because of me?"

He nodded. "She said that you wanting to help me, even if a lot of what my dad said was true, was really touching. She said that she couldn't say no. Not when someone like you was standing by someone like me."

I was confused. "Someone like me?"

"An Alchemist. Most would have ignored the problem completely, but you went out of your way to help me. She said it gave her renewed faith in the goodness of people." There was a sparkle in his eyes that made my heart skip a beat. "Sydney, you made her job a hell of a lot easier. Before, she was struggling to handle the people who wanted to tear her down and questioning her position. But you gave her hope again."

To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I was completely and utterly astounded. I, Sydney Katherine Sage, had inspired someone. I never really wanted to be a huge part in anything, always preferring to do only what I had to, which was the Alchemist way. We did what we had to and nothing more, never trying to excel. Not that we weren't hard workers, but in our work-force, excelling didn't mean the same thing. It meant more contact with them and the risk of becoming attached. None of us wanted that.

But this was different. I had apparently done something that could help to change the current state of the Moroi government. This could potentially help Vasilisa bring peace to her people and allow Jill to leave hiding. Not that I expected this little bit of inspiration to do all that on its own. That would be foolish. But this could help Vasilisa to deal with the protesters and help shorten our time in hiding.

"Well, I'm glad that I could help." I said truthfully. "But that doesn't mean that she's going to be able to do anything about the Alchemists. She might be working on peace with her people, but that has yet to happen. She doesn't need to have the Alchemists angry with her right now. Not while Jill is in hiding."

Adrian looked like he wanted to argue, to tell me I was wrong, but his face fell. He looked defeated. And while I really hated to make it any worse, I had one more reason.

"Also, I can't just run off. Not while Jill's in hiding." I said. "I can't just leave Eddie and Angeline on their own to protect her. They need my connections to keep up appearances."

"Rose did it," Adrian said, though he looked well aware of the fact that this was going to be a losing battle for him. "She hid Lissa for two-years before anyone found her, and she hadn't even graduated from the Academy yet. Jill has two guardians with her, one graduated and the other in-training."

"I can't take that chance, you know that." I said. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to Jill. As much as I hated to admit it, she really was like a little sister to me. She reminded me of Zoe.

Adrian smiled knowingly, as if he could read my mind. "Your aura has a tinge of pink in it. I don't know why I didn't see it before. It's only a little, but still."

"What does pink mean?" I asked, taking a sip of my drink now that I'd let it cool off a little.

"Affection," He answered and I met his eyes questioningly. He sighed. "I'm not going to make a comment about how it's for me. I wish it was, but I know it isn't. Its Jill, right?"

I nodded. "She's definitely grown on me over the past month."

"Jill grows on everyone," He opened and upended a package of sugar into his drink, probably figuring he might as well give into his sweet tooth now that I'd told him his remedy was a hoax. "She's like a puppy, you have to love them. It'd feel wrong not to."

"Most everyone," I corrected him, disgust in my voice. "I can guarantee the Alchemists could justify it."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you sounded like you weren't an Alchemist." He was smiling, so I knew he didn't mean anything bad by it.

But deep down I was still afraid, still on edge about my standings with the Alchemists. They'd already accused me once of being a 'vampire lover', back when I'd helped Rose escape and hide when she was being accused of Adrian's late great-aunt, Queen Tatiana. I didn't need to give them another reason to think it.

Thankfully, my phone was my savior. It began buzzing, vibrating softly across the surface of the table. I forced my features to stay neutral. I didn't want Adrian to see how relieved I was by this possible chance of escape. I picked up the phone and turned on the screen. Another message had been added to the cluster of unread ones from Adrian. I opened it.

Jill:

There's been an... incident with Angeline. It isn't too serious, but we need you back at Amberwood right away. Sorry to drag you away from Adrian so soon. ;) And btw, you're like a sister to me too. :)

I smiled at that last part, but the meaning behind it nearly made me groan. Even when I left, I'd still be going back to an interrogation. Jill would want to know everything, even though she'd seen it all through his eyes.

"I have to go," I said apologetically, actually looking him in the eyes. "Something happened with Angeline and... I need to deal with it."

He looked disappointed but nodded. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Well," I said awkwardly, standing up from my seat across from him. "Bye."

As I turned to leave the shop Adrian spoke again, making me stop dead in my tracks. "Is that a goodbye for today or a goodbye for a while

I turned around to face him. "What are you talking about?" I asked, even though I knew all too well what he meant by it.

"I mean that I never exactly expected you to just shut me out for a week." He said as he slid out of his side of our booth. "Are you going to do it again?"

I glanced out the window on the other side of the room to where Latte was parked, waiting for me. Jill, Eddie and Angeline were probably waiting for me too. I really needed to get going, but I knew Adrian needed an answer. I looked him in the eyes.

"It's a goodbye for today," I said finally. He smiled and I left to deal with whatever mess Angeline had made back at Amberwood, a smile on my face as well.

When I reached Latte and climbed into my seat, I did something that I'd originally had no intention of doing. I was planning to delete them all, to pretend it never happened at all, but I couldn't help it. I was too curious. I opened one he'd sent that night, right after I'd left.

Adrian:

I'm sorry if I scared you tonight, but I don't regret kissing you. That kiss made me feel more alive than I have in a while. I felt like I was coming up for air after spending the past three months underwater. I wouldn't take it back even if I could.

I felt a feverish sensation creeping up my neck to my face. It made him feel alive. That was exactly how I 'd felt. I couldn't look at it any longer and shoved the phone back into my jeans pocket. I had shot myself right back to square one, where I didn't want to admit that what happened had really happened and the feelings I'd felt when it did.

Atleast out loud, I won't say I'm in love.

So, I just finished The Golden Lily last week, which was the worst experience of my life. Not reading it. I loved the book to pieces of pieces. But that ending? I hate to admit this, but I had to fight back tears and restrain myself from throwing the book at the wall. Because if I did, well, then I would be without a Nook and would have no way of buying The Indigo Spell in February. I've already pre-ordered it and checked the internet about 200 thousand times for previews and information. :) Yes, I know I'm a creep. And I'm damn proud of it. But anyway, I wanted to write this to give myself a little bit of closure. I know this still probably isn't anything close to the ending you wanted, but I didn't want to rush it and put them together. I hate when that happens in books. I like to see relationships form and progress before they start acting all mushy-gushy and have to actually work to be together. Rose and Dimitri worked to be together and so did Lissa and Christian. I want to see the same for Sydney and Adrian.