Sollux.
"AA, be careful, okay? I'm pretty sure you're the reason the infirmary always needs more bandages."
Aradia laughs, tossing her shiny dark hair over a shoulder. Excitement gives her face a red flush and bright eyes, and she almost bounces as she stands in place. Damn, you think as you watch her with a smile tugging at the corners of your lips, she's beautiful. How did a piece of shit like you ever end up with her? "I'll be fine, Sollux!" she says with another giggle. "You just worry too much. You should come with me, the landing missions are always so fun, like a great adventure every time!"
"And that," you reply sardonically, leaning back to spread an arm along the top of one of the processor units lining the lower levels, "is why I stay here with the computers." Yeah, you love her and everything, but you don't care for all that shitty running around and jumping over shit and getting yelled at by the locals. No thanks.
She looks like she's about to respond, but the final call for the landing party sounds overhead, and she jumps. "Oh! I guess I've got to go. Calm down, silly, and I'll see you in a little bit, okay?" Without waiting for your reply she leans in to give you a quick kiss, and then bounds away with a cheery spring in her step and a little wave. She's always loved her exploration and adventuring. You've always loved her.
"Yeah, see you," you mumble, watching her until her red-clad figure vanishes into the shuttle and the door seals itself shut. You don't know why, but you have a bad feeling about this mission...
Jade.
"Jade!" Jake gasps your name, his voice full of pain, and you whip around to see him hobbling along, his ankle probably broken and blood dripping from his side. Without a second thought, you run to him to support him and help him out of these damn caves. You have to get back to open ground so the Skaia can beam you back up, you have to go, you can't lose anyone else, you have to go!
You wrap your arm around Jake, a bandage wound around the other, your phaser held tightly. He's limping along next to you, and you just hope you're leading him the right way. Your own eyes are blurred with tears and you can hardly see straight, and it would be awful if you accidentally made him trip over a rock. John would find that amusing—
A sob tears itself from your throat. John, John, John.
By some stroke of fortune, that's the moment when you stumble out of the cavern into a location from which the transporter can lock on. Jane is waiting for you in the transporter room, because you'd warned that Jake was injured, and catches you both as best as she can when you wobble.
"What happened? How badly are you hurt?" she asks, already assessing Jake's injuries as you both ease him onto a stretcher. You choke on your tears. Jane doesn't know, she still thinks everything might be okay, she's not grieving yet, oh, how blissful that ignorance must be, and how awful it would be to destroy it!
"I'll—I'll tell you later," you manage, looking at the blood smeared on your hands and back down at Jake. "Take care of him. I—I need to go," and before the medical officer—your friend, your sister in all but blood—can say a word, you bend to press a quick kiss to Jake's forehead and flee away into the depths of the ship.
Dave.
When you hears that the landing party has returned, you heads out from his station to see if you can find John. While they were away, you and your sister Rose worked on charting your course through the next star system, and you just needed to bring the captain up to speed on the new developments—namely, the meteors that were detected near the orbit of the third planet, and the possibility of a species yet unknown to Sburbfleet on one of the moons of the second.
Instead, as you're striding down the hall towards the transporter room, you find Jade—or rather, she finds you, literally running into you as you both attempt to turn a corner at once.
Immediately you notice the blood on her hands and face, the bandage wrapped around her arm, and the tears at the corners of her eyes behind her thick glasses. Before she can dodge around you and keep running away to wherever she was running, you catch ahold of her unharmed arm and pull her back to you. "Jade?"
She doesn't meet your eyes, instead letting out something that's between a sob and a whimper as she awkwardly scrubs at her eyes with the other hand. "I... Dave, let me go," she says, her voice breaking. Against your better instincts—or the Vulcan ones, at least—you pull her closer instead, being careful not to hurt her arm as you hug her.
Jade breaks down and cries right there in the hallway, hiding her face in your sweater as you hold her and stroke her back. Confusion wars with worry in your mind, but you don't let either of those show, because here is your friend, and she is hurting, and Vulcan detachedness be damned, you are going to be here for her.
After a moment, you gently guide her to your quarters and sit her down on his bed and rebandage her arm, wincing internally at the sight of the bloody gash running from her elbow to her wrist. She doesn't say anything, just lets you work, occasionally sniffling. But when you finishes and put away the dermal regenerator, she flings herself into your arms again and just clings to you, and now the confusion is mostly replaced by deep, deep concern and worry.
"Jade?" you ask again, pulling away enough to cup her face in one hand and tilt it up so that she has to look you in the eye. "What happened?"
"John," her voice cracks miserably as her shoulders slump. "John's gone."
Rose.
Dave is not at his station. You sigh to yourself, shaking your head once. Well, logically speaking, you can guess he's either with John or Jade, the former because that's what he is supposed to be doing, and the latter because you know he's waiting for the right moment to tell her that he is "in love with her", as your human cousin Roxy would say. Fully Vulcan cousin Dirk would shake his head and say "foolishness and frivolity". (And then Roxy would probably smack him.)
Nonetheless, you're currently closest to his quarters, so you'll check there first. When you knock on the door you hear his voice call out a strangely weary and raw "come in", so you do, stopping short when you see both him and Jade sitting on the bed, and Jade appears to be weeping bitterly.
"Jade?" you ask, wondering how to handle this situation as you tentatively approach, perching on the edge of the bed. The well-being of the crew is most important, and more than that Jade is one of your best friends, so you think it's okay to temporarily put aside the charts and maps that you meant to give John when you joined him and Dave. "Are you alright? Why are you crying?"
"They took my brother," comes the broken answer, and Dave holds her tighter. "John and Aradia are gone. Terezi and Jake got hurt, and John and Aradia are gone."
"Gone?" you repeat dumbly, feeling the world spin just a little bit. "What do you mean, gone?"
Jade lifts her head and looks at you. Her glasses are lying discarded on the bedspread, and her eyes are red and full of tears. "I mean," she says in the steadiest voice she can manage, "I saw John vanishing into thin air and screaming like I've never heard him scream, and then he was gone, and I couldn't get to him. And Aradia is dead. They shot her full force with some kind of psychic blast. There... there wasn't really a body left—" she breaks off, burying her face in Dave's chest again, and you reach out to rub her shoulder, feeling numb.
John is gone. He is your other best friend—no, he was. He's gone. You want to deny it, to say that it couldn't be true, but you can't, the words stuck in your throat.
This choked feeling, these awful tears and the hollow pit of shock and horror and grief that's stuck in your throat, this is why your family says emotions are unnecessary and painful and not worth it at all. You understand now. Still feeling numb, you pull away from Dave and Jade. You think you need to go meditate on locking away your emotions once more. Hearts only exist to get shattered.
Karkat.
"What the fuck happened down there?!" you rail at Terezi as she lies in her bed in the medbay, a needle in her arm supplying more teal blood. Her hand in yours is weak and limp and only barely squeezes back against the pressure you're applying. "Who fucked up this badly? Why the hell does this shit always have to—"
"Karkat," Jane says quietly, and you close your mouth, looking down at your fellow troll. She's strangely pale, almost, her skin not as teal-grey as it should be. No wonder, really, considering how much blood she lost, but it still looks awful and wrong and you wish you could fix it immediately.
"Sorry," you mutter. Jane comes over and rests her hand on your shoulder briefly, and for once you don't brush it off.
"She'll be okay," she murmurs.
"I know," you huff. She already knows what you mean to say—"that doesn't make it any better", and squeezes your shoulder in sympathy before she withdraws. You don't tear your eyes from Terezi, instead willing her to be okay now.
After a moment, she stirs slightly, her dark eyelashes fluttering, and you squeeze her hand even tighter, if that's possible. "Karkles," she breathes, and you lean in, your heart pounding like a herd of wild hoofbeasts behind your ribs.
"Terezi? What is it? Do you need something? Are you hurting too badly? Should I—" you ask frantically.
"Calm down, you... worry-wart," she says, giving you a pathetic attempt at her usual infuriating grin, and you let out a sigh of relief, rolling your eyes to pretend you can hide the sudden lack of tension thrumming through your body as you sit back a little.
"Sure, sure, go ahead and start calling me all the shitty names in the world, why not."
She squeezes your hand a little, just barely but it's there, and you wonder whether, blind or not, she knows you're crying.
Roxy.
You've heard the news by now.
Everyone has heard the news.
Well, almost everyone, and that almost is what you're currently trying to deal with because Sollux is your hacker buddy after all, but oh god how could Rose ask you to be the one to tell him? She knows you're already torn up about this and dammit you were good friends with John and Aradia too and—
"RX?"
Shit.
Shiiiiiiiitshitshitshitshitshit shit.
Also, fuck.
"Heyyyy, Sollux," you start, not even attempting your usual crazy grin. He must know something's wrong, by now. Rose had made an announcement that basically boiled down to "things are shitty" earlier. Acting Captain Rose.
"Do you have any idea where AA got herself off to?" he asks, for once not rambling or even correcting his own slight Freudian slip because he's worried and it's obvious to anyone who knows him well, like yourself, and you gulp because you can see the way he's gripping the back of that chair way too firmly to be casual and the way his fingers fidget on his other hand, the telltale signs of anxiety and worry that are about to turn into grief and horror when you say what you've been instructed to come here and say. Are you crying? You really hope you're not crying.
"Yeah, about that," you turn away because you simply cannot face him right now. "She, uh... fuck. Fuck. Sollux, she's dead, I'm so sorry I really am oh my god I can't—"
The blood has drained from his face and left him a chalky grey color, probably the troll equivalent of a pasty white on you, and he sits down hard in the chair that he'd been squeezing seconds ago. "Please tell me you didn't just say what I think you just fucking said oh my gog."
You drop to the floor and wrap your arms around your knees, hugging them to your chest and resting your chin atop them. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I am so, so sorry, I really, really am..."
"No, no, no, no no no no no no no," he mutters, something angry and something hurt in his voice. After a few minutes you realize he's crying.
"Should—should I go?" you ask, barely daring to breathe and barely able to anyway because of the giant knot in your chest and the tears clogging your throat.
His hand shoots out and grabs your wrist before you even move. "No," he says again, shaking. "Please—please don't."
Jade.
You still can't believe it, you still think you must have had a bad dream and John's fine, he's just in the next room like he always always always has been since your childhood when you would wake up crying from nightmares and crawl into his bed. He sometimes grumbled at you for waking him up, but he would never fail to hug you tight and assure you everything was okay.
Well, there's no one in the next room now.
You're sitting in your quarters, staring aimlessly at a holograph of you and your brother one fine day at the beach, a little sand castle decorated with seashells between you as you both grin broadly at the camera. It's cold. You don't feel any of the warmth you remember from that day, not now; you feel cold and you're shivering and you just—
You can't do this. You can not be alone right now. You will tear yourself apart with sobs and screams and endless deliberation on how you could have changed this and what you could have done to make it not happen, even though you know full well that could-haves and should-haves do no good at all and then that would just make you hate yourself for this mess even more!
Letting out another breath and taking off your glasses to wipe at your eyes, you stand up. You don't feel ready to numb yourself and throw yourself back into your work yet, so... you'll go find someone.
Not Dave, not Rose. Not Dirk. They'll tell you in more or less words that you're "being illogical", damn Vulcan logic, and that won't help you at all because fuck that you have the right to mourn!
You have the right to mourn.
No no no you don't want to mourn you want to have John back oh god oh god you just want John back! Another sob tears itself from your throat and you sink to your knees, burying your face in your hands and shivering, trembling uncontrollably with the image of your brother's smile still engraved in your mind—
Knock, knock.
"Come in," you call out in the steadiest voice you can muster, which isn't particularly steady, and the door to your quarters slides open to admit Jane, who takes one look at you and immediately steps forward, not seeming surprised in the slightest.
"I thought you might need some company," she says quietly, and drops to her knees beside you, wordlessly pulling you into her arms.
You break down and sob.
John.
Fuck.
Terezi.
"Kanaya," you say, holding up your hands in a placating gesture. "I'm fine now, honestly!" Seriously, between all these mother hens, it's a wonder you can even leave your quarters!
Kanaya purses her lips, folding her arms across her chest elegantly as she considers the verity of your statement. "I suppose you do look a good deal healthier," she finally says, and you would roll your eyes except there's really no point to that. You look healthier, huh?
"Thanks!" you say instead, giving her your trademark bright grin. "I had no idea!"
She doesn't respond, and you're pretty sure she's giving you a most unimpressed look, so you make sure to increase the broadness of that grin as you fire it in her direction. You do appreciate that they're worried about you, but it's been over a week and it takes more than a stab through the abdomen to do Terezi Pyrope in!
You can walk. You're good. You've just gotta get everything back on track so you can figure out what went wrong, and so you can get justice for Aradia. Psychic blasts used against a psychic, to the extent of all but disintegrating her body? That would have been excruciating normally, never mind against her. That's a horrid way to die and you want to see the people who made her suffer like that pay.
Kanaya does startle you with what she does next, though—you weren't expecting her gentle grey fingers to slip into your own, nor were you expecting her to let you lean subtly on her when you need to as you both walk to the bridge.
But as you walk next to her, going to take your place by the comms desk and Karkat the other mother hen, you're further surprised, because you think you might have just genuinely smiled for the first time in over a week.
Jane.
Being the chief medical officer certainly is a ... taxing position. You sigh wearily as you head to the kitchen—you know full well that there's really no need for one, but the act of cooking is one that acts like a balm to your tormented mind, and that's what you're going to do right now.
Measure the flour, add the flour. Measure the milk, add the milk. Measure the sugar, add the sugar. You keep working in this soothing monotony, beating the eggs and smoothing the lumps from the batter. At some point, you start to sing, too, because you always sing while you work and you never really think about it, but for some reason you are thinking about it now because last time you made red velvet cupcakes, Aradia came into the kitchen and was so delighted by the simple fact that they were dark red that she stayed and eagerly made the frosting and sang with you and fudge you're going to cry now!
You were the one who carefully stemmed the bleeding in Jake's side and set his ankle, the one who got blood transfusions galore for Terezi. And you held Jade when she sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, and you consoled Roxy as best as you could when she came teary-eyed from telling Sollux about Aradia.
You've always been there for everyone else. That's what you do. You're the medical officer. It's your job, and you're always happy to help.
Always.
Except ... except times like this, when you're the one needing help and you honestly don't know where to turn. You're so conditioned to helping everyone else that you feel like you can't go ask them to help you, that's your job.
You still remember how horrifying it was to walk out of that room with Terezi's blood all over your hands as she lay pale and hardly breathing in that bed. You've had to operate before, of course, but it never gets any less harrowing when it's your friend lying there between life and death.
The oven beeps, signaling that the cupcakes need to come out, and you automatically get up, still lost in thought as you walk over and open the door, reach in to grab the tray, and SHIT you are such a fucking moron oh god oh god and you run to the sink, biting your lip and blinking back tears of pain as you run cold water over your hand. What were you thinking! Well that's just it actually, you weren't thinking because you just tried to grab a tray out of the oven without oven mitts or anything!
The sound of the oven door closing startles you and you whirl around, eyes wide, to see Dirk standing there, placing your tray on the counter.
"Are you alright?" he asks, tilting his head slightly to the side, and you burst into tears, cradling your burned fingers against yourself as you shake your head—no, no you are not alright.
"Jane," he says, taking the slightest of steps forward with his brow furrowed and then suddenly you aren't sure which of you two moved first but your face is buried in his shoulder and his arms are around you, kind of awkward and hesitant but still there, and you take several deep, gulping breaths.
"Come on," he says, still a bit awkward as he releases you but still keeps you close, looking down at you with something resembling tenderness. "Let's go fix up that hand of yours, hm?"
You nod, and before you change your mind you grab his hand with your uninjured one. He looks a bit surprised, but then he gives you the barest of smiles, your Vulcan friend is smiling at you, and then he gently tugs you onward.
You think that maybe you'll be okay.
Rose.
"Roxy."
Your voice, calm but slightly authoritative, lets your cousin know that you aren't speaking as Rose, but as Acting Captain Lalonde, and by the way her shoulders stiffen slightly as she turns around, you can tell she's caught the difference.
"Yes, captain?" she says, raising one eyebrow and placing the folder she'd been rifling through on a table.
"I would like you to run an analysis on various forms of interstellar beam travel and have a report on relevant finds to me as soon as possible," you tell her. There's a suspicion you've been nurturing, hoping against hope for—you know it's illogical, but the human part of you keeps insisting that you hold onto that hope no matter how slim. This is ridiculous and you want that report to tell you it's wrong and to squash that hope before you accidentally find yourself invested in it.
Roxy, astute, brilliant Roxy, catches on almost immediately, and by the way her eyes go round you know she knows what you're thinking. "You think he's not dead," she breathes, and then gives you the quickest salute you've ever seen as she all but runs from the room to go find an archive computer. "Yes captain, I'll get right on that!" she calls over her shoulder just before the lift door closes.
You shake your head, sighing. Did you just spread that false hope?
Foolishness.
You sincerely hope she doesn't tell Jade. The poor girl doesn't need any more grief thrown at her.
Truly, you don't know how your friend is managing even as it is. She's never been particularly good at handling things she thinks she could have done better, and you know she's beating herself up over the whole incident. That, too, is illogical and she should know better, but she likes to delude herself in that way, though you try to talk her out of it. She just holds herself to impeccable standards.
Honestly, you kind of admire the strength she's showing right now. You would never, ever admit it, but you don't think you'd be able to just keep going like she is, if you'd lost Dave like that.
The only reason you're going as steadily as you are is that you're actually exceedingly excellent at hiding your pain from everyone, including yourself, but you're going to pretend you're actually fine. You're pretty good at that, too.
Roxy.
This is—holy shit holy shit you think something amazing just happened in your research, if this is even possible, which you really really really hope it is! Oh god please be possible beyond theoretical figurings, please please please, because it means that there's a chance that—well there's a chance, there is a chance that John is alive somewhere in space and that means he's not dead and you can't even process how relieved you feel right now.
If it's possible, that is, and with that thought you're once again thrumming with nervous energy as you gather your holoscreens back into the little console bracelet you keep them on and then speedwalk out the door, almost but not quite breaking into a run as you head down to Engineering.
You find Jade tinkering with the backup thrust stabilizers, a dark smudge of motor oil or something on her cheek from pushing back her errant hair, and an all-too-familiar brittleness in her frame despite the smile she bestows you with and the determined look in her eyes as she works.
"Hi, Roxy!" she greets with cheer as false as the holographic projections in the sim room. "What brings you down here?"
"Heya, Jade," you grin at her with an actual grin because hey you have something to be smiling about, maybe! "You working on something important here, or can you take a minute to look at some stuff for me?"
"I'm just running maintenance," she shakes her head, patting the contraption behind her. "What've you got there?"
"Orders from higher-authority," you pantomime pointy ears with your fingers, doing your Rose impression, and Jade laughs. "I'm doing some holoteleporter research, and I found this shit, some old calculations from some guy on this planet called Lofaf, about some teleportation stuff. He only did the theory though, never built the device, and his notes say he isn't sure it's even possible. Soooo, I was like, well shit man, I gotta find someone who knows how to build stuff! How convenient is it that I've got a super cute engineering buddy just down a few decks?"
She giggles at that, and you can't help but lean over to give her a side-hug because dang you love this girl. "Okay!" she says. "Let me see it!"
You open the holoscreens and slide a file over to her. She looks at it for a few moments, her eyes narrowing behind her glasses in concentration, and then nods to herself.
"It'll take me a little while, but I think I can have some answers to you by tonight. Does that sound okay?"
"Sounds great to me!" you say, feeling a teensy bit bad for not telling her all the details on this project because of all the people on this ship she deserves to know that maybe John isn't dead, but you don't want to give her hope until you find out if it's even real or not, you really, really don't.
You wouldn't be able to handle it if you broke her heart all over again. She doesn't deserve that.
Jake.
Things are ... weird. No, that's not the right word, gosh darnit, that was certainly not the word you wanted. Not weird, not strange, maybe surreal? Perhaps.
Surreal does mean that it doesn't feel real, and you think that sure does make sense more than weird or strange. There is no bloody way that Aradia is ... dead, is there? Her perpetually empty station next to you down in the lower levels of the Skaia isn't empty because she's gone forever! That's bollocks, she can't be!
It's so hard to even think about this, frankly, and you hardly even know where to start. You were fairly close to both John, your good friend from the golden old Academy days, and Aradia, one of your buddies and the one who shared your strong sense of adventure. She and you were stationed together on the Skaia and boy howdy it was great while it lasted.
Dammit, you keep thinking about her and John like it's been a long time and you're used to them being gone, but that isn't it at all!
It's the opposite, really, you think glumly. You can't even begin to accept it, you can't even begin to grieve, you don't know where to start with that, so you guess your silly noggin is just repressing that. Maybe that's for the better. If you aren't upset yourself, maybe you can help out everyone who is, or something. Or at least you can make sure you do your job. That's a good place to start—
Soft footsteps approach and you look up, drawn out of your idle thoughts when you see Sollux slowly walking towards you—well, towards Aradia's workstation, you correct your thoughts.
"Hey," he mutters distantly, a clear enough indication that he doesn't want to talk. You kind of awkwardly watch as he looks at all her things, untouched since that mission and left as they were when she grabbed her adventure kit, as she called it, and then never came back. A few moments pass and you can't help but feel for the poor fellow; it must be terribly hard on him to have lost her.
Finally he reaches out and takes a single hologram, an image of himself and Aradia both laughing at something. It's a bit blurry because they weren't sitting still, but you can tell that his arm was around her shoulders and hers was around his waist as she tried to put a silly hat on his head. Sollux, unsmiling now, looks at it like it's worth more than the rarest gemstones and treasures, and then he quietly walks away.
Jade.
After a quick midnight snack in your office as you pore over the calculations, it finally clicks what this is and that yes it is actually possible to build.
And you are a smart girl. Your brain doesn't miss the logical connection as to why Rose is interested in this old research. A form of holoteleportation that involves electrical stimulation for the excitation of the entangled particles? You are not an idiot, and you know that that kind of teleportation would be excruciatingly painful for a few seconds.
Now where have you last seen something that looked like painful teleportation, though you didn't realize it at the time? Oh right, when your brother was taken from you.
"Roxy," you gasp, because you're out of breath because you just flat-out sprinted all the way to her quarters and now you're trying to regain enough air to speak. "Roxy! Roxy he might not be dead after all!"
Her hands clamp on your shoulders and guide you to a chair. "Tell me everything."
And you do, spilling out all the details of what you've found out while tinkering with the math and the miniature models, ending with the shaky realization that John might still be alive.
"Holy fucking shit!" Roxy crows, jumping up and already breezing out the door despite the late hour. "I've gotta go tell Rose! Thanks a ton, Jade!"
You're left wondering what to do now. You don't particularly want to go back to your lonely quarters because you don't think you can sleep with all this hopeful and nervous energy running through you...
In the end, it's probably no wonder at all that you end up in John's quarters instead, putting one of his cheesy old movies on the viewscreen as you lie curled into a tiny ball in his bed. If you close your eyes and wear this old blue sweater that still just barely smells like him, you can kind of pretend he's still here.
Dave.
You're walking down the hall to the lift back up to the bridge when there's a tap on your arm, and you turn to see your Vulcan cousin standing there.
"Have you seen Jade this morning?" Dirk asks you, raising one eyebrow. "She has yet to report in this morning. I realize it is her day off, but we were planning to go over some blueprints for modifications to the phaser launch system."
"I haven't seen her," you shrug, turning away to keep walking. You're curious though, and you guess you'll stop by her quarters, make sure she's okay. Behind you, Dirk nods and goes his way as well, curt as ever.
She doesn't answer when you knock on the door, and the screen by the door tells you that there are no occupants. A bit bemused, you start to walk away when it hits you like a sack of bricks. Logically there is only one place you can think to check now. You know where she is.
She's with John. Or, as close to him as she can get.
You enter the quarters of your lost captain with a bit of trepidation, but there's a mop of dark hair fanned out over the pillows in his bed and as the door slides shut behind you, you step forward to see if she's awake.
She's not, though her glasses are still uncomfortably on her nose, and you carefully slide them off as you ponder whether to wake her or not. It is her day off, but she would hate to miss something she intended to do, like going over schematics with Dick you mean Dirk. But as you lean over and touch her shoulder, intending to rouse her, she sighs in her sleep and rolls toward you just a little.
"Just a minute, John," she murmurs, and you feel your oh so very emotionally susceptible, half-human heart break.
"Uh, yeah, take your time," you mutter, feeling very emotionally compromised, and you stumble back into a chair and sit down hard, burying your face in your hands. Fuck... you are so supremely shitty at being Vulcan and also supremely shitty at being there for Jade and fuck this whole situation.
There are definitely not tears in your eyes right now.
Rose.
You can't breathe. Your false hope just grew a hundredfold.
"You—you're sure of this?" you ask as calmly as you can, hoping that Roxy won't notice the fact that you're clutching the armrest of the captain's chair—not your chair, it never fits you right and it never will—so tightly that all the blood drains from your knuckles.
"Look, do you trust Jade's calculations and models or not?" she asks, almost exasperated. "You're repeating yourself, Rose! Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine," you say automatically. "I'm fine."
"Rose," she says with a frown as she crosses her arms, and you realize she's talking to Cousin Rose, not Captain Rose. "Talk to me, honey."
Well, Captain Rose is the one talking to her. "Officer Lalonde, I must insist that you refrain from crossing personal boundaries—"
"Got it, you're not okay."
"—and from making assumptions about your commanding officer—"
"Oh for god's sake, Rose, don't pull this bullshit with me, we're family in case you'd forgotten—"
"—as it is not your place to do so, and now I request that you return to your—"
"Fine! I'm leaving!"
She all but glares at you as she turns on her heel, her head held high. "Sorry for expressing any concern, I know it's illogical to give a shit. It's not like you're fucking shaking or anything and it's not like I should be worried!"
The lift doors close behind her and you press your lips together to hold in a weary sigh. The rest of the bridge crew are looking at you warily, and you can already tell Kanaya's about to speak up.
"Back to work, please," you say before she can, and that's the end of that matter.
John.
No, seriously. What the hell?
Also, fuck that hurt.
Jade.
When you wake up, for a blessed and blissful moment everything feels right again, and you feel all warm and gooey like one of Nanna's caramel brownies because of course John's here and everything's okay, why wouldn't it be?
And then memory comes crashing in and you sit up, disappointment and longing surging through you once again. Your mind is still foggy from sleep and you could swear that he'd been right here, had touched your shoulder a minute ago...
When you look over at the nightstand to grab your glasses, you see Dave sitting in the chair near the bed, looking at you with an almost haunted expression in his ruby-red eyes.
"Sorry," he says, a catch in his voice. "For not being John."
You let out a little gasp and then it clicks that that had been him, not John, and then you just really, really need to hug him—Vulcan aloofness be damned, and he's half-human anyway—so you shoot out of bed and wrap your arms around him, bury your face in his shoulder, and cling to him for several long moments.
"You don't have to apologize," you whisper as he carefully hugs you back, as if you're made of glass or porcelain. "He's not the only person on this ship I love."
Karkat.
"Terezi, for fuck's sake why are you even awake right now," you glower at her as you enter the lounge, plopping down next to your matesprit on the couch.
"I could ask you the same thing, Karkles," she says tartly, but she quietly leans against you and you slide your arm around her shoulders. You're glad her wounds are all gone now, that Jane worked her medbay magic to the fullest, because shiiiiit you'd kind of freaked out a little whenever you touched her earlier, unsure if you would hurt her or not even when she called you a supreme dweeb. "After all, you're awake to ask me that question, aren't you?"
"No," you grouch, but as usual you kinda melt a bit when she's around, and you're not actually that grumpy right now. (Not that grumpy. You're still a bit mad because it's so fucking late that it's early for all intents and purposes.) "No, I'm not."
"That's some strangely accurate sleepwalking you've got there, then!" she cackles, turning her blind eyes on you as she grins. "Think we should test it out? Maybe you've got some sort of hidden talent!"
"Oh, shut the hell up," you grumble, and she laughs. "No but seriously. Why are you not in bed."
"Why aren't you?" she returns again, and you groan.
"Because I was looking for you! Now what the hell are you doing?"
Terezi is silent for a moment before she lets out a short sigh and rests her head against your shoulder, the tip of one of her horns brushing your cheek. "Research."
"Research, at 5 in the morning?" you scoff. "What's that fucking interesting that you pass up sleep for a shitty sofa in this dumbass lounge anyway?"
"Karkat," she says quietly. That tone of voice combined with the lack of infuriating nickname tells you she's being serious, so you pipe down for the moment. "I want to know everything there is to know about that planet because I want to know who killed my friend. I want justice for Aradia. She didn't deserve that."
"Oh," you say, because you don't have an answer immediately ready for that. "What... have you found anything?"
"Not yet," she sighs. "Not enough. I don't know. I just wish that—" and she stops, frustrated, so you give her a little squeeze in consolation.
"Just don't be a fucking moron about it," you request. "I don't want anything to—to happen to you, too."
Terezi raises her head, her slight grin coming back to play about her lips again, and leans in to give you a quick kiss. "I won't act alone, if I find anything worth acting on. I promise."
Jane.
"I dunno, I'm just really worried about her," Roxy sighs, looking down at her hands. You push another plate of cake in her direction and then reach across the table to place your hand over one of hers.
"I wish I could help more," you murmur. "I'm sure she'll be okay, though. She'll manage. It's illogical to let her problems get overwhelming, after all, isn't it?"
"Vulcan logic can be supremely illogical," your best friend groans, giving you a grateful look and then taking a bite of the lovely chocolate confection you've placed in front of her. "Seriously. Like, just take Dirk. Ultimate dork ever, still thinks if an action is illogical then it shouldn't be done. Never ever talk politics with that dude."
"Oh no," you laugh. "I have a feeling that didn't go well, did it?"
"No, it did not."
You both laugh for a moment, and then you fall into silence as Roxy eats and you contemplate your friends and crewmates.
"How's Jade?" she asks you suddenly, and you blink.
"Jade? She's doing okay," you smile at the thought, a good one to be sure. "Better than she's been in a while, actually. Back at work with a smile! I think she's just really happy that there's even a chance that we might find him. Am I right in guessing that you're already getting to work on that chance, by the way?"
"Yes, you are," Roxy suddenly turns serious, and you blink in surprise. "And we're not gonna like what I've found."
"What is it?" you sigh, because when does anything ever go right?
"I think we're gonna need to go back to Lowas to get data on the holoteleporter's settings, and that means another landing party in the caves."
Dirk.
"It isn't worth it," you say immediately when Rose brings up the suggestion. "To risk the lives of many for the possibility of saving the life of one? That goes against basic logic, Rose."
"Is the life of my—friend, I suppose, my friend, worthless, though?" she sighs, leaning against the wall and pressing one hand to her forehead. "Roxy mentioned that it's completely possible that we went about it the wrong way last time. She suggests we send Terezi this time because she's one of our best diplomats. We didn't consider hostile sentience before we scouted previously."
"Because they were well hidden, as was the state of their technological advancement," you point out. "We don't know what else we don't know about them. For all you know, we'd just end up with more holoteleported crew members—and we don't even know for certain that he was holoteleported."
Rose presses her lips together in thought. "But is that not what we are looking for? Answers?"
You shake your head slightly. Human persistence. "Rose. You came to ask me my stance on returning to Lowas, and you have my answer."
"I wanted a conversation on the merits and drawbacks," she frowns. "But very well, cousin; I realize you have pressing matters to attend to, so I shall leave you to your work."
She walks away, and you let out a short breath. Something tells you she has yet to make up her mind, no matter how obvious the decision should be.
You only hope that whatever happens, no one else gets hurt.
Rose.
Your head is spinning with the decision you have to make. Will you turn the Skaia around, or will you not? Will you try to find John, or will you not?
Will you choose to be logical and Vulcan, or will you not?
That's what this choice boils down to, isn't it? Which side of your heritage you will honor, which of the two schools of thought you will subscribe to, which of your parents you will please—
Ring, ring.
Speaking of your parents, it looks like your mother is calling you on the comm. You answer after a moment's hesitation. "Hello, mother. I am afraid that I do not have the time to speak right now; there are things I must see to—"
"Rosie, dear, I know that you're busy!" she says. "I just wanted to hear your voice, honey. Call me when you get a chance, okay?"
"Of course. Goodbye," you hurriedly end the call, because you need to make this decision now.
"Permission to enter the bridge?" you hear Jade's voice call, and without having to really think you reply permission granted as you turn to face her.
"Hello, Jade. What is it?"
"Captain, in the event that a landing party is sent to Lowas, I request to be part of it," she says with no preamble, and you balk. Evidently she takes that as hesitation on your part, or an inclination to deny her, because she forges on—"I went last time, and I have some knowledge of the geography as well as the mechanics of the holoteleporter we're looking for. Plus, speaking frankly, John is my brother."
"Yes," you sigh, because there's no way you can tell her no, not when she's appealing both to logic and your emotions—if it were Dave, you'd be just as upset. "Yes, you may be part of the landing party."
"Oh, so there will be one for sure?" she asks, tilting her head to the side curiously just like John did—does, you remind yourself—and you mentally groan. Of course you had slipped and given your decision away, of course you had.
"Yes, I think there will," you nod.
"Good!" she beams, and before you can say a word about protocol she hugs you and then steps away, her eyes dancing. "Also, Rose, are you free tonight?"
You blink in surprise. "Yes, I am. Do you need something?"
Jade gives you a funny look. "Well, not specifically, but I would like to have a night where I sit and talk and just hang around with my good friend, if she isn't too busy. We haven't actually spent much time together since... since that."
"Oh," you say, feeling a bit of warmth and affection for the girl in front of you. "I would be delighted to."
Terezi.
"Please, for the love of god, please be fucking careful down there," Karkat pleads as he walks with you to the transporter room. "I don't want to end up like fucking Sollux, and I don't want to lose you."
"Karkles," you say, stopping and putting a hand to his cheek, "I will be careful, and I will come back. No one is dying this time."
"You'd better," he mutters, and then hugs you really tight for a long moment before he releases you and steps back, and you wave at him as you walk into the other room.
Jade, Roxy, Jake, and Dirk are already there, and you quickly go take your place on the beam pad next to your three fellow landing partiers. "Hello, ladies," you grin, looking at them all, and then over at Jake specifically. "Oh, and you, too."
"Hello, Terezi," he says with a flicker of a smile. Jade reaches over and rubs his shoulder.
"You ready for this?" Roxy asks, looking around. "We're gonna get in, rock this shit, and get out. Yeah?"
"Yeah!" you, Jade, and Jake all cheer.
"If we're all done with the pep talks, are you prepared to leave now?" Dirk asks from behind the control station. He seems a little bit bored, almost, but that's something you've noticed in a lot of Vulcans. They're hard to read when you can already hardly see them!
"Yes, we are," you say. "Let's go."
You beam down to the planet's surface.
Roxy.
"Weird," you mutter. "It's like there have been no life forms here in at least a week, by our time." You look around at the empty fire pits and the dusty furniture in the little village—it's a strange sight to be sure, primitive huts and cobbled roads right next to floating fountains and even holoscreens, devised in a way that's unfamiliar compared to most Sburbfleet tech. But it's all off and untouched.
"Maybe they're migratory," Jake suggests. He and Jade are more interested in going forward and finding out what happened to John, you guess. Well, you can appreciate that; they'd probably be more curious about this place and less edgy if what happened last time hadn't happened. Maybe you ought to be more cautious, actually.
Terezi nods. "I think they might be more nomadic. Most of these places seem built quickly and lightly. They probably have lots of campgrounds like this all around."
"Do you think they'll be back soon?" Jade asks, frowning slightly, but the troll just shrugs.
"Hopefully not! Otherwise, it's plan B—or, should I say, plan me?"
You laugh. "Beautiful pun, Rezi!"
"Thank you. As communications officer, I do try to know my way around tongues very well!"
You didn't turn around but you're more than willing to bet she just stuck her tongue out and grinned in that way Karkat likes to shout about. Then again, Karkat likes to shout about literally everything.
"Can we just keep moving?" Jade asks, and you hurry to her side.
"Yeah, let's go!"
You need to get to that holoteleporter site as fast as you can, and then you need to get out of here. This place is cool, but it also kind of gives you the creeps.
Jake.
Everything's going nice and well and you're starting to relax a little bit. Jade next to you still seems a little uneasy, but it's not like you can blame her. As you get further into the tunnels you get further from the safety of the Skaia, and closer to the place where you'd lost Aradia and John. You're kind of jumpy too, frankly!
But still, things are looking up for once. Maybe you can just get in and get out this time, and you won't even need to rely on Terezi's skill as a communicator!
Ahead of you a few paces, Jade takes a sharp breath and stops dead in her tracks, then turns to look at you with wide eyes.
"Jade?" Roxy asks sharply. "What's up?"
Jade inches back to you and takes your hand. "Don't look on the lower wall to the left in the next chamber," she instructs in a low voice, starting to walk.
Of course, you look, and immediately you wish you hadn't. On that wall is a rust-red smear of far, far too much dried blood, and you know exactly why it's there—you were there when the person whose body used to contain all that blood died.
You think you might be sick.
Terezi lets out a gasp behind you, and Roxy chokes, and you know they've seen it too. Well—noticed it, in Terezi's case. Fiddlesticks you don't care about semantics! Aradia's blood is all over that wall!
"Oh my god," Roxy almost whimpers, and then Jade grabs your hand even more tightly and all but runs forward until you're past that room.
Thank god the next chamber is empty of Lowas's inhabitants—you think you might want to kill them if you see them because of what they did to Aradia, your good friend, and a glance at Terezi tells you that she seems to feel the same way! So much for being the diplomat, eh?
"Let's get what we need to get and then go," Jade says quietly, already heading for the now-empty platform John had been poking around last time you were here. "I don't want to spend any more time here than we have to."
Your mind flashes back to that red smear, and you find that you couldn't agree more.
Jade.
"Well, there's one little variable I think we have to account for that we overlooked earlier, while going over the original equations," you say, looking over the data you collected with Roxy. "But I'm pretty sure the signal is traceable. If you look for a specific wavelength of residual radiation, we can run scans and find out where it teleports the objects in question!"
Roxy tucks a stray curl behind her ear, folding her arms across her chest as she narrows her eyes at the display on your holoscreens. "Copy that," she says, raising one hand to zoom in on some of the images for a second. "What's the variable?"
"Um, the possibility of enough buildup of energy to lead to a second jump, though it wouldn't be as far," you say, frowning at the numbers slightly. "It might happen, or it might not."
"Is there a possibility of scattering?" she asks, and you nod curtly.
"It's a small one, but it's there. I wouldn't count on it too much, though."
"Well, with his luck, you never know," she mutters, and just like that you snap out of Total Science Mode and remember that this is the way to find your brother oh god you're going to find John and bring him home! And no scattering either. He was not turned into a bunch of particles that didn't get put back together into a full John. That did not happen!
"Oh my god we're getting John back," you breathe, turning to Roxy, and she nods, bright-eyed and smiling, and hugs you tight.
"Yup," she says, stroking your hair, "so you just sit tight, darling. He'll be home before you know it, mark my words!"
"I don't know about that," you shrug, pulling back but keeping your hand in hers as you go back to looking at the screens. "But I do know that the faster we get this figured out, the faster he comes home!"
Roxy grins. "I guess we'd better get cracking, then, huh?"
John.
Where even are you. What is this place. Why are you so tired and why does everything hurt?
Rose.
The Skaia is hurtling through space at a steady Warp Five, nothing so fast that you might lose signal but no slower than necessity demands. You sit in the Captain's chair and pretend that your hands aren't trembling.
Soon, your captain, the actual captain of the USS Skaia and your good friend, will be on board again—most likely, you remind yourself. There is still a slight probability that he will not be, and as acting captain it is your duty to be prepared for the worst, even if your crew chooses to hope for the best. You only wish that you could be sure that their hopes will not be dashed as this search draws on.
"Jade," you turn slightly so that you can look at your chief of engineering and also your chief science officer, who is studiously avoiding your gaze as she has been since your ... argument, you guess it could be called. She is respectful and polite as far as duty calls, but no more does she smile and laugh and joke with you. You wonder if you might have hurt her more than you realized earlier? You might have to make amends. When this is over, you tell yourself wearily. When this is over.
"Yes?" the red-garbed girl responds, her eyes flicking to you before they return to her holographic charts.
"How much longer should we maintain warp five before nearing the approximate location?"
Jade's eyes narrow as she types in a quick calculation, her fingers flying over the keys before she looks up and announces, "About thirty minutes!"
You see Roxy murmur something to her, this girl who is possibly your only good friend on this ship now, other than Dirk, and you see Jade slip her hand into Roxy's for a moment.
There is no slight stirring of envy deep within you. You do not particularly care that Roxy has stopped being too affectionate with you.
And if there is, you quash it and turn away. There are more important things to consider anyway. You will have answers in thirty minutes.
Jane.
You are excited. You don't know the exact timeframe of what's going on but you know that today this ship might see John come back, and that sure is reason to celebrate!
"You certainly are bouncy today," Dirk observes as he watches you hum as you bake—carefully, this time. No more burned hands for you, please and thanks. One time was quite enough!
"Yes, and you should be too! Maybe I'm doubly excited because I'm being excited enough for the both of us," you laugh, patting his shoulder as you squeeze by to access the refrigerator, needing to add a bit more milk.
"I don't get excited," he shakes his head briefly.
"And you also don't get jokes, apparently," you tease lightly. Where's your whisk—oh, here it is, behind the bowl! These muffins aren't too sweet, and you're pleased to make them. John doesn't particularly care for overly sweet things, the silly boy, but since this is his homecoming day, you'll make something he loves! Like banana bread muffins. You would make banana nut muffins, but you know he has a severe nut allergy and that ... wouldn't end well. As medical officer, you know that, too.
"You've got me. I'm a robot and I have no sense of humor," Dirk drawls, and you're so surprised you drop the whisk in the batter.
"Well, I never would have thought it possible!" you laugh. "Did you just make a joke?"
"No, I made a true statement," he continues in that same tone of voice, the one that says all too clearly hey this is a big old joke!
"Goodness me, Strider! I'm so proud of you!"
He rolls his eyes at you and shakes his head again. "Thank you, Jane. I'm honored."
Karkat.
"Hey," you say by way of greeting as you drop into the seat next to Terezi. There's a tense, excited atmosphere permeating just about every goddamn corner of the Skaia and you are so fucking ready for it to get the hell out of here already. Jeez.
"Why hello there, my darling matesprit," she teases, leaning in to give you the full view of her bright grin. You're halfway torn between kissing her or smacking her away because wow Terezi, fuck you. "Whatever brings you over to visit the communications officer, hmm?"
"You know, I have no fucking idea," you shrug irritably. "Maybe I thought it'd be nice to sit with you for a bit because no one on this damn ship can keep their shitty think pans in line long enough to stop squawking around like assholes with too much sugar in their systems because they seem to have forgotten that hey they aren't getting one of the Operations people back ever, but at least one of the damn humans is coming back, whoop de fucking doo. But I mean if the communications officer is too busy—"
She cuts you off in your complaining with a laugh—not the shrill teasing ones you usually hear, but an actual full-throated, amused laugh. You're so surprised you shut up.
"Karkat," she says, reaching over to slip her fingers between yours, "you're more than welcome to come sit with me anytime you get overwhelmed by people being happy. I know it's strange and foreign to you, but—"
"Oh, shut up."
Jade.
Waiting for final confirmation be damned, you are the first one in the beam room as soon as the Skaia is in position near the small rocky planetoid PD-4130, nicknamed 'Prospit'. And as soon as Dave and Jake and Rose join you, Dirk and Jane, who are both sticking together today apparently, pull the lever and send you down to the surface and oh god you are so excited you just know he's here he has to be here—
Your tricorder is in hand before you even know it, whipped out as you methodically turn in a circle, looking for a signal come on come on where—There! You call out to the others, words not really the top priority on your mind but something like "Guys this way" coming out of your mouth, and then start to walk quickly in that direction. Soon you find one of many craters that pepper the planetoid's surface amid the dusty layers and the slightly thin atmosphere, and the signal is stronger.
"John?" you call heedlessly, even as Dave touches your shoulder and murmurs something about being cautious.
"Jade?"
You almost burst into tears of joy then and there. He's here he's here he's here, he's alive, holy shit!
"I'm here!" you cry. "Hold on, we're coming down to get you. Just sit tight!"
"Yeah, got it," you hear, and you guess that the residual effects Roxy had predicted are still making him pretty miserable.
Within a few moments there's a rope harness tied around your waist and Jake and Dave are lowering you into the crater and as you descend you're looking around until you spot him, leaning heavily against a wall and waving at you with one hand.
"John," you gasp and the next thing you know, you're in his arms again and he's in yours, and you don't even care that it's been almost two weeks and that he's filthy and trembling—well, okay, you do care, but right now, you are just so happy, so happy that you could sing as you lead him back over to the rope.
You don't let go of his hand the entire way back to the Skaia, or even when you get there.
But Rose is smiling, and she exchanges a few quiet words with John. When you get to medbay and Jane immediately starts running a few scans as well as giving him both muffins and a check-up, you see Rose quietly slip out of the room. You think she's going to talk to Roxy. Good.
"Jade," John says, squeezing your hand to get your attention. You immediately turn to him, your eyebrows raised, and then you let out a bright laugh and hug him again because he's here, he's actually here!
"I've missed you so, so much," he murmurs into your hair.
"I've missed you just as much," you reply, hugging him tighter. "When you get yourself a bath and some food, we're going to sit and talk for a while, okay?"
"More than okay," he replies with a grin—it's tired and a little sad, but it's his grin, and you positively beam in response.
Sollux.
It's a few days before you can approach your captain, but finally you do.
As soon as he sees you hovering a little bit nervously, a little bit defensively, in the doorway, his easy grin drops and his posture becomes more serious, his eyes taking on a somber look.
"Sollux," he says, and then stops. "I don't—there really aren't words for this. I am so, so sorry."
"She's dead," you tell him, as if he didn't already know, as if the words don't pain you to say or think or anything. As if you can just casually admit it without feeling a stab of pain as if you were the one shattered by a psychic blast.
"I know," he says, and you're almost surprised by how upset he sounds, how ragged his voice is. "I know."
"I don't know what to say," you finally mutter, staring at the floor. "I don't know why I came to talk to you. She's still dead."
You turn to leave when John calls back to you.
"Sollux," he says. "If I could change it, if it was me that died and her who lived, I would. I'm sorry that I can't, and I'm sorry that I made it where she didn't."
You're oddly moved by this, though you don't know why, really, but somehow you think that's not a thing Aradia would want to hear anyone say. "Don't be," you tell him, because that's what she would want him to hear. "Be glad you're alive."
"I am," he sighs, running a hand through his hair. You catch his glance at one of the holocrystals of himself and his sister and their human friends. "Believe me, I am."
Terezi.
"Well, are you glad everything's back to normal?" you ask, nudging Karkat as the two of you stand in a corner watching the 'welcome home John' festivities in the big hangar, which has been temporarily converted to a ballroom.
"This is not 'normal'," he grouches, frowning and glaring daggers at everyone. But that's typical Karkat behavior, not something that you're particularly concerned about! "We're having a fucking party. What part of that is normal to you?"
"Seeing you grumbling in a corner and hating everything," you reply with your sunniest smile, and a laugh when he directs his oh-so-very-not-grumpy gaze at you.
"Fuck off, Terezi."
"Ouch," you feign. "I'm hurt. Should I go find someone else to dance with? It's a pity, I would have thought a dance while drifting through the stars would be terribly romantic!"
It's obviously bait for him and he knows it, but he takes it anyway. "No, fuck you, we're going to dance. Come on."
You place your hand in his and smile. There are still things lacking—you need answers on what was on Lowas and why Aradia died, for starters—but some of the lacking things have been fixed, like the notable absence of blue raspberry Captain John on board, and that's good. Karkat's holding you close and his hand is warm on yours, and that's good too. In fact, you think most things about tonight are good.
Maybe things are getting back to normal after all.
AN: Merry Christmas to everyone reading this and especially to you Meg! :D I hope you like the thing. It's very open-ended and I might return to it later, too! c:
(Look at us, the USS Skaia is a real thing now!)