Unspeakable
Note: So I managed to get caught up with the latest episodes thanks to someone bringing my laptop in to my hospital bed, I'm still groggy as hell so this may not be the most coherent thing I've ever written but it is what it is. It's also shorter than I would like, but I will be writing more as soon as I get out.
Also note: This is my regular spiel that if you enjoy my work, you might enjoy my novel available on Kindle. If I go offline for a few days it means you still have something of mine to read while I recuperate.
US link: dp/B07BGSPPBY
UK link: . /dp/B07BGSPPBY
Final note: Although this is not really canon with Breaking Down as such, a lot of the lore as it pertains to pearls in particular is the same. Gesture-speak, song-weaving, etc.
…..
"I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more."
C.S. Lewis
The gag order was not the particular terror; many a pearl had been forbidden to speak of something, military secrets and financial dealings. If someone really desperately wanted to get information from a pearl, they could be jacked and searched but they would not find what they wanted, buried under layers of rippling memory. The gag order would keep the owner's secrets even after the pearl had passed into the hands of another.
No, the real terror was the madness that lay behind Pink Diamond's plan.
Rose's plan.
It would disastrous, any gem with a lick of good sense could see that. Pink was caught up in her lofty goals and the novelty of having her own colony. She had been shielded from the consequences of her recklessness by the other diamonds for her entire existence, and no matter how much Pearl tried to talk her out of it she couldn't see how utterly insane her plan was.
"But you would be free," she pleaded, night after night. "Don't you want that? We'd both be free!"
"I want you to be happy," Pearl replied, night after night.
"You have to say that," Pink cried, her mood swinging to anger as predictable as the rising of the sun. "I don't want you to have to sit beside me and flatter me for another thousand orbits! I want you to be by my side because you want to be!"
Pearl trailed off into silence, as she always did, because what kind of response could she give? Pink switched back to pleading, and then to long musings about what life would be like after escaping her position. She made it all sound so easy.
In the end, Pearl agreed to the plan, because she could only refuse Pink for so long.
…..
You are not well.
The pearl that gesture-spoke from across the hall belonged to one of the visiting Emeralds. Pearl hadn't seen another pearl for nearly three orbits. The relief was faint-inducing. She needed to speak of this, before the gag order was placed, as she knew it would be.
I will be well, but...
She trailed off mid-gesture, the other pearl tilted her head ever so slightly in a quizzical fashion, undetectable to any gem but another pearl.
How could she explain? Gesture-speak was a language of emotion first and foremost, the technical and objective were rarely needed. There were a hundred different ways to say your owner was forcing you to do something you didn't want to do, but hardly any to describe what that something was. There were thousands of ways to express fear and sorrow, but none to tell of the worry that a gem you cared about was falling into madness.
Do you have the no-speak? It does not matter between us.
The other pearl was so earnest in her effort to help ease Pearl's stress, and it did remind her that gag orders did not take gesture-speak into account. Pearls could freely speak of anything among themselves, if they managed to find the words.
I do not have the no-speak, but I will soon. She is making promises.
The gesture for 'promise', a gentle touch of two fingers on each hand to form a bridge, was the closest to 'plan' she could think of.
The promise is not a good one?
The other pearl added a crook of the smallest finger to denote a question.
It is beautifully spoken, but I fear it will bring her pain.
That was the closest she could get to 'this is a terrible idea' in gesture-speak.
It will bring you pain, as well. You are not safe.
My pain does not matter.
It matters to us, sister. We shall mourn with you.
You cannot. I will be gone.
To any observing gem, Emerald's pearl was sitting blank-faced staring at nothing in particular. To Pearl, she looked absolutely devastated. The gesture she had used for 'gone', crossing a finger on each hand and lowering them to her lap, was not the same as the gesture that meant death, replacement or retirement. It meant that she would be removed from other pearls, most likely forever. To a pearl, this was considerably worse than death.
You must share memory. Before the promise is kept.
I cannot. You are too far and I am ordered to stay.
A slight twitch under the other pearl's eye betrayed an urge to get up and close the space between them, but the room was full of other gems and if she acted on the urge she would more than likely be sent for processing.
You will have no-one to share with. I weep for you.
That was the ultimate fear, no matter how wonderful Pink's speeches about freedom sounded (and they did sound very wonderful indeed), the idea of never coming into contact with another pearl again. She could not explain this to Pink, no matter how understanding Pink could be. She did not have the words in gem language.
It did not occur to Emerald's pearl to ask why Pearl hadn't refused the promise, and Pearl wouldn't even think on it because the answer was so obvious. To refuse an owner anything, even if that owner was offering 'freedom', was unthinkable for a pearl.
…..
Where are you now, sister?
The first 'year' on Earth in the aftermath of Homeworld's final attack was the hardest. Pearl had been able to spot other pearls during commlink negotiations and gesture-speak worked well enough over the commlink. When all communications with Homeworld ceased, gesture-speak ceased with it.
The gag order did its job, she couldn't speak of Pink's betrayal and faked death even to Rose herself. To explain why she mourned for the loss of gesture-speak she would have to bring up the whole sorry affair and that was impossible. Rose couldn't understand why Pearl was so sad, and Pearl knew she was growing frustrated.
After a time, the routine of taking care of corrupted gems and dealing with curious humans was enough of a distraction that she could forget, for a little while at least, what was missing. But every now and then, she would catch the motion of some organic creature and it would all come back to her.
A spider weaving a web.
Swans floating across a lake.
Owls slowly blinking in the dark.
Even the silvery flicker of a school of fish in the ocean.
She learned to take the pain far away from the others, as far down in the endless stores of memory she possessed, so as not to worry them. As long as the gag order was in effect, she would bury the layers of sadness in the place that should have been full of memories belonging to her fellow pearls.
She lived in hope that Rose would eventually lift it.
…..
It was done. The child had been born, Rose was gone. They mourned her, but she had entrusted them with the raising of her son and they would not let her down. They were clear in this mission.
It wasn't until the baby was nearly three months old that Pearl realized Rose had forgotten to lift the gag order.