Hey you! Yes you, the reader! In this story, a delicate topic will be developed and it will talk about self-harm. I couldn't stop thinking about writing it or not and I finally decided to write it. This story is not based of someone, it's based on self-harm in general. If you feel like you are described here (I know it's TF universe ;p) it is pure coincidence. This story is based of all the situations I've known about self-harm. I have read some articles and watched videos too so there is the proof.. Reader, if you don't like the topic, don't read it. Thank you.

Do not own TF only Blackstar a.k.a Goldstar.

Goldstar's POV

I just can't get anymore. I don't know how to let it out. Another day like the others. I'm tired. No. Not tired saying that I need to recharge. Tired in the way you would like to recharge and never awake. I wish someone could understand me, could listen to what I want to say but I'm not asking for help either. I want it to come from the skies like a meteorite from nowhere. I'm Blackstar. My real designation is Goldstar but I hate it. It's too positive as name. I'm not a gold star and my frame is coloured red with some white strikes not even close to be a golden frame. About the star, well, I'm a jet. I don't know if the star as a link with the fact that I'm a jet. Seriously, I don't give a pit about my name. It just doesn't fit with me. I never asked to be created, I never asked to be an Autobot. I don't regret to be one but being in their team just make them act like I was part of their family. When you are in a family, there's a bond that is created. It's not a bond like sparkmates or creation-creator bond. No, it's a simple bond. You feel an union between your teammates. They treat me like a little sister but they shouldn't. Not with the bot I am. It's a shame. The only thing I wish is that that fragging pro-

Ironhide's POV

" Goldstar! It's time for your training!" that youngling seems so lost these days. Every time I speak to her, she blinks her optics like she came out of a river of thoughts. I don't know if I should get worried about that behaviour. Maybe it happens during youngling-hood. For the moment, I will try to talk about it to the others. I'm sure I'm not the only to have noticed that. She is coming my way now. Always with her head down.

" Everything is okay?" I feel I didn't have to ask her that. She scowls at me as if I asked her if she wanted to kill me. Okay, I gotta admit, I went a bit too far.

"Yeah and my name is Blackstar!" What a way to answer rudely but I won't add a word at. I know she is not feeling okay but I don't want to put pressure on her asking again. Why does she insist on that designation? Her real one is Goldstar not Blackstar.

"Listen Ironhide, you gotta stop asking me if I'm okay. My head hurts a lot these days so it explains all. I'm sorry if you got concerned about how I was." she left me. I knew I didn't have to ask her that. I will go see Ratchet. Maybe he knows a bit about Goldstar's conditions. Younglings are hyper, always happy, enjoying everything around them but she, she is not like a normal youngling. Prowl is going to give her the lesson coming, I just hope he could help her. Thinking about it, Prowl is not the best mech for talking. I should ask Jazz to do it instead of Prowl. He knows how to start slowly a conversation. I'm just really concerned about her.

"Ironhide! I need to talk with you." I get out of my thoughts and see that Powerglide is coming to me. We don't really talk a lot but I guess he needs to do so.

"What is Powerglide?"

"I crossed Goldstar in my path and she had a desperating face. I don't know if I'm the only one, but she doesn't look okay." Well, well, well, so I'm not the only one to have noticed that. Good. Knowing that I'm not the only one, I think it's time to visit Prime and talk him about our preoccupations or perhaps, we are overreacting. Better do it now than never.

"I have noticed that too. What do you think we should do?" I ask him in case of he could find another idea.

"Well... Talk to Prime?"

I agree with him. We both had the same idea. Would she get angry if she knows we talked about her to Prime? Because she shows an immense respect for him, she tries not to disappoint him. He's a kind of father or better say an adviser.

Goldstar's POV

I hate when somebot ask me if I'm okay. Do I have tears on my face? Is it write on my forehead: I'm desperated? I don't think so. Anyway, I should stop putting that face and I should smile instead. Yes, I will smile for the rest of my days alive. Isn't a good idea? Time to see if it works. Victim number one, Prowl. There he is. He was waiting for me by the way he is crossing his arms and tapping his pede. He is total authority as mech! Wish he could be the one that helps me but as I said, I won't run after anybot to get help.

"Sorry Sir to be late." I show a big smile trying to hide what the others call desperation.

"It's okay. You came and that's the most important. Ready to start your training?" he walks directly at the control panel. I guess he is preparing a training-simulation. I really like them. I haven't battled a decepticon yet because they say I'm too young for that but I'm waiting for the day I'll get that opportunity to offline one by my owns servos. I would like to burn his optics first, after I'd like to shatter all his frame with delicate attention. I want to hear him beg for his life. I would certainly like to ta-

"Goldstar? Goldstar? Do you hear me?" I blink getting suddenly out of my thoughts. As always. I shake my head trying to erase all the negative thoughts. I smile and nod at him.

"Sorry Sir. I was thinking about how to destroy my enemy in this training." he smiles at me. How I appreciate him.

"No need for, youngling."

"No? So what is the training about?" I'm so curious. All the trainings I had before were to attack my enemies and now, Prowl comes with another training? How cool is that?

"You didn't hear me uh? I was saying that it's one of the hardest training for an Autobot what you will do today. I think you are mature enough to handle that kind of training. Am I wrong?"

Mature? Hardest? Handle that? Wow! I just can't wait anymore. I want to try this new training and he'll be with me so if I can't continue, he will be there to help me.

"No Sir, you are not wrong. I think I can handle it." I smile proudly to him. He pats me and nods understanding that is time to start it.

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"Will you be with me during the training?" the loud noises of the machine preparing the simulation start to stress me.

"I will when you will learn to call for help."

Did he really said that? Did he? When I will learn to call for help? I don't understand what's the problem with him! I'm angry. I'm definitly angry. I don't like his comment. I'm gonna show him that I don't need any kind of help! ANY!

"In three. Two. One. Training begins!" The automatic voice of the room annoys me. I wish they could change the voice of that ugly machine. I look at Prowl, he is behind the vigilance room and he nods at me, it means I have to start. When I turn around, all the empty training room is a forest. It totally looks like all the forest of the others training. I hear a crack behind me. I guess it's a droid. I turn around annoyed, aiming the droid that will appear. I take the attack position and sigh, expecting what I thought. Suddenly, I see a little sparkling coming out of a bush. He is crying. It's a little mech. I frown and place my gun on my weapon case on my back. What is a sparkling doing in this training? He runs to me and hugs my leg. I scoop him up and he snuggles his little head on my shoulder. I rub his back and suddenly I hear a loud feminine scream. That's so creepy! I embrace the sparkling as comfort. The sparkling looks at me and point me with his fingers of him toward the direction of the scream. He is shaking.

"What is it little one?" I really don't understand what's the point of this training.

"Mommy!"

I frown and walk toward the femme. The sparkling ask me to put him down and I do as he wants. I walk slowly toward the weak breathings forgetting about the little mech. What I see freezes me. There's a femme, laid on the ground, with her carrier open. She moves her head slowly and looks at me. She points in front of her. I really don't know what to do. I just hate that!

"PROWL SIR!" I want him to explain me what's the purpose of this training.

"Monster." She gives her last breath. How creepy is that training! I call the sparkling but he doesn't come. Where is he? I walk some foot away from the offlined frame and I hear a little noise. I turn around and notice that the sparkling is eating his OWN MOTHER! CREEPY AS FRAGGING PIT OF PRIMUS!

"PROWL! Stop the training now!" Oh Primus, Oh Primus, what should I do?

"Sparkling! Stop eating your mommy! That's an order!" I start to shake, her mother is getting alive! HOW CREEPY! HOW CREEPY! SLAG!

"Autobots are useless!" the sparkling talk to me but his voice is grave and that's certainly not coming from a sparkling.

"Uh?"

The femme tries to push the kid away from her but the said sparkling just punches her. In her optics, I can see the fear when see looks at me. I don't want to turn around. What is going to appear now? A loud crack made me jump. I feel a servo on my shoulder and I freeze. A heavy breath just tells me that is not a nice bot. The little sparkling is grinning evilly to me. I decide to turn around but I only see grey. Colour grey.

"Me-Meg-Megatron?" I hope is not Megatron! I never fought with a mech strong like him. I barely can destroy 10 droids and he equals 500 droids. How am I supposed to fight him? He bends down and his optics scare me. Evilness. Pure evilness. He motions with his finger calling the little mech. I close my optics. I'm too scared. I'm praying Primus to save me. I hear the creation squirming and when I open my optics, I see Megatron torturing him. I just can't believe myself. He is killing a sparkling.

"AHHHH!" his sparkling's screams force me to attack Megatron that makes him to let the sparkling down rudely. He walks toward me and slaps me. I fall on the ground and see the sparkling trying to help me. I'm an Autobot, I'm the one that should protect lives! I get up quickly and start to shoot at him. He takes the sparkling again and aim his little head with a big gun.

"I offline him or you become one of us. You decide." he is torturing slowly the poor kid. I don't know what to do. The sparkling or to renounce at my side. I don't know! He was eating his mother and said that Autobots were useless and now, Megatron is torturing him. What should I do? I want to save him but I don't want to be one of them and I'm not sure if it's a trap. He keeps torturing him. I can't hear his cry anymore. I close my optics and place my servos on my head trying to think but the situation is too hard. I just can't. I fall on the ground crying. A shot. That's what I hear while I'm crying like a crazy.

"Training is over now."

I raise my head to see Prowl standing in front of me. All the forest disappeared. The room is empty again. He has his arms crossed. He doesn't look happy at all but I don't care. I'm happy that the training is over.

"Well... I thought you said I was not wro-" I interrupt him by giving him a hug. I'm still in shock and I need to feel secure. He seems surprised by my action but I don't give a slag. He returns me the hug. Wow. His hug is so full of honesty, of comprehension, of love and aid. I don't know why but I start to cry. Again. I feel confident with him. I have no reason to feel like that but I just can't explain. I cry like pit. He seems to understand me and he hugs me more. I cry and cry. I just can't stop. After a while, I'm in the state of hiccuping. I keep hugging him.

"Golds- I mean Blackstar, you know I'm always around to listen at you." I nod slowly, my head resting on his chest. Some minutes after, I thank him and leave the training room with no more words. I run to my quarters and think about what I just did. Did I really hug him? Did I cry in his presence? What a shame! How stupid I am! Arghhhh! I'm angry. I'm furious against my stupid behaviour. Arghhhhhh! I want to punch myself for what I did! Stupid I am. Stupid I am. Stupid I am. That anger is invading me. I sit on my berth and see the little knife Sunny gave me on my desk. It suddenly calls for me. I don't know why but I hear it saying "Try with me!" I'm insane! I take the knife and examine it. A beautiful knife. How is that good for me? It doesn't help at all. I should let it on my desk as it was before. I'm trying to relax, to analyse all those negative emotions but I can't! OWWW! I just accidentally cut my arm! I'm not worried about it, I just feel... calm now. I don't understand it. It's so relaxing! Wow. I feel empty immediately of my frustration and all those emotions. Is it a magic knife? I should try again! Hm... Where? Maybe on my other arm. Ready? Take a deep breath and let's g- ... Somebot is knocking at my door. Argh! Next time then!

"Uh... Hi Ratchet!" I didn't expect that he would be the one in front of my door when I opened it.

"Hi Goldstar. I would like to do a simple check-up on you. It has been a long time you have not come in my medbay."

"What? Uh... A check-up?" I'm healthy. I don't need a check-up! "Sorry Ratchet but I don't think I need a check- u-"

"What happened to you?" he takes my arm and look at the cut. He looks worried. " With more reason you will come at the medbay!"

"No! I just did it during my training."

"Sure? Why didn't Prowl tell you to come see me?"

"Oh... Uh... Err... He...He didn't notice it." I smile during all the scene I'm creating in front of him.

"In my medbay now." he orders me but I don't want to go there.

"No. Thank you. I'm really tired. Is nothing! Thank you. Have a nice day and I can take care of that by myself."

"But you don-" I frown and he seems to understand that I don't want his help. "Alright. If there something wrong come rapidly in my medbay okay?" I nod and wait him to leave. I close the door after seeing him goes away.

My first lie about a cutting. Wow. I feel proud of me but at the same time, it's a shame to lie about something not normal. That cut was just for today. No more cuts in my life...

Alright that first chap was a bit too long... I don't think this story will be a happy one... I said it. It's talk about a delicate topic! Take care of yourself you all.

~lilskystar~