Disclaimer: What is my name, huh? Is it Tamora Pierce? NO! Therefore I
cannot possibly own Tortall or any of the characters in Tortall. I Own
Nothing. Except my stuffed bunny, Sergeant Smokefur Flopear Danduff.
*Cuddles bunny*
Diana was sleeping in her comfy bed upstairs when she was awoken from her sleep by a large CRASH.
Diana: What the hell?! Grrr. Stupid burglars. *Picks up golf club and quietly walks downstairs*
She then finds nine unusual people standing in her living room. They cannot see her as she is peering from the top of the steps. A tall man with long black hair argues with a man in a crown while a woman with short hair tries to break a window with the help of red haired woman and black haired woman. Other man proceeds to stuff crystal vase into a sack and brown haired girl sits on the floor staring at Diana's dog.
Diana: This can't be happening. I'm dreaming, dreaming dreaming! Haha dreaming!
Other man: Ha! Here she is. *Holds dagger to Diana's throat* now kind lady if you would please tell us how we got here, where here is and the quickest direction home we would be very much indebted to you.
Diana: Haha! I'm dreaming dreaming dreaming! You can't possibly be George Cooper and she's not Alanna and that's not Daine and Numair or Thayet and Jon. I'm dreaming dreaming, Hahahahaha! *Is slapped*
Alanna: She's mad! We've been kidnapped by a mad mage! I knew something like this was bound to happen! It's been too quiet lately!
Diana: *Has recovered from being slapped* But you're at war!
Alanna: So? In case you haven't noticed we're practically always fighting someone. We're used to it. George! Stop it!
George: *putting more loot into sack* Why? This is the best crystal I've seen in years! Look, not a flaw!
Jon: *Gazing into mirror* I can't see a flaw here either. *Smiles at himself*
Alanna: Because, George, I've told you, we don't need to steal anymore. And it's not very smart to steal things from a mage's house. Jon stop staring at yourself and do something useful!
Daine: Did you know that that your dog thinks other animals are chew-toys? It's very sad really and I demand that you take action to prevent this sort of behavior in the future.
Alanna: Daine! Is now really the time to launch your new animal rights campaign?
Daine: Yes?
Alanna: No!
Daine: But all of the People deserve equal respect along with representation in our government and-
Alanna: Daine! No! Now is the time to threaten the mad mage who has kidnapped us until she sends us home and- wait! Where is she!
Diana: *Is hiding behind curtains in a little ball whispering to herself*
Alanna: *Finds her* Aha!
Jon: How did you know she would be there?
Alanna: Because, George always hides behind the curtains when he knows I'm mad at him.
George: Alanna!
Jon: *To George* Haha! You hide from your wife?
Thayet: Oh shut up Jon. You always hide under the bed.
Alanna: Can we just- wait you hide under the bead? *Shakes head* And to think, you're our king. Never mind. *To Diana * Now you how did you bring us here?
Diana: I didn't! I don't know how, and I'd be too scared of you! *Whimpers*
Thayet: Great Mother Goddess, grow a backbone!
Neal: *Walks in from kitchen* She has a point.
Alanna: Where were you?
Neal: Trying to find some food. I'm starving of hunger!
Numair: Well, what did you find?
Neal: It's amazing! There's a white box that is cold inside even though there's only a little bit of ice in it! And when you open the door a light turns on, but there's no heat coming out of it!
Numair: I must see this! *They both run out to the kitchen*
Diana: No! They'll break it! And I'll have to buy a new one! It costs hundreds of dollars!
Alanna: Sit down and shut up!
There is a big crash from the kitchen.
Neal: Hey the light went out!
Diana: My money!
Kel: *Ties Diana's feet and arms with a piece of blanket*
Daine: *Bumps into TV, turning it on. Some nature show plays*
Everyone but Diana: Aaaaaaaah!
Daine: There are People in there!
Kel: It's another of the Nothing Man's machines!
Diana: *Quietly* No it's not.
Kel: Stand back! *She draws her sword and chops up the TV*
Diana: My TV! Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Everyone but Diana: *Applauds*
Diana: Why must you break everything! I'm a poor student. Thanks to all of you I'm gonna be in debt until I'm fifty!
Alanna: Shut Up! Daine, get Numair and Neal!
*They all assemble in the living room*
Alanna: Now, we have established that we are being held hostage in this house of horrors by this crazy mage
Diana: *disbelieving look*
Alanna: somewhere miles from Corus and we have no way of getting back unless she will cooperate. And so far she won't. Any ideas?
Diana: Let me go!
Jon: Here's an idea, gag her!
Diana: *whimper*
Alanna: Let me clarify. Any ideas on how to get out of here? Numair, please tell me you've figured something out!
Numair: I feel no magic here. None at all.
Alanna: Daine?
Daine: The People are very small in number. The ones in the houses show a disturbing lack of intelligence and the ones outside are skittish.
Neal: *Horrified* Where. Are. We?
Diana: Hershey, Pennsylvania, United States of America ,North America, Earth.
Everyone but Diana: *Blank stares*
Alanna: ... Right and how do we get back to Tortall?
Diana: *On the verge of tears* I wish I knew! Then you could go home and stop threatening me and breaking my stuff, which will cost a lot of money to replace.
Alanna: All right I'm getting nowhere. Numair! Do that truth spell thing that you use at court to see who's been stealing Thayet's makeup.
Numair: Oooh! The painful one or the other one?
Alanna: The other one.
Numair: *Does something that activates the truth spell* How. Do. We. Get. Home?
Diana: I wish I knew! You are all very big and scary and I'm afraid of you. I cheated on my math test last Friday and stole a pack of gum from the drug store, I wasn't sick last Wednesday like I told my boss, I put food coloring in my brother's shampoo and I think Orlando Bloom is hot. *gasp*
Everyone: *Strange looks*
Alanna: Noooo! Now we'll be stuck here forever and I'll never see my lovely home again! *Thinks* On the other hand... I'll never have to deal with my children ever again! Woohoo! They're all yours Maude! *Dances*
Numair: *grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her* Alanna get a hold of yourself! Now *To Diana * Are you a mage?
Diana: No, I wish I was. I also wish I had my stuffed bunny, Sergeant Smokefur Flopear Danduff with me so I wouldn't be so afraid. Gah! Blast this accursed truth spell! *To Numair* I hate you right now, even if you are the hottest man in all of Tortall. *Hides from Daine* Please don't hurt me!
Jon: You mean I'm not the hottest? Waaaaaaaaaaah! *Sobs*
Diana: Actually you're about number five on the list. The list goes: Numair, Neal, Dom, Cleon, and then Jon. Or at least that's my list. *Growls at Numair angrily* Take this damn truth spell off!
George: Why aren't I on that list?
Diana: Because your nose is all bent and crooked like. But don't worry it isn't a list of nicest or best people, just the hottest. *Pats George's shoulder*
Numair: I think for everyone's sake we should un-activate the truth spell
Diana: No shit!
Numair: *Un-activates truth spell* I'm not sure what that meant exactly but it sounded mean and sarcastic.
Diana: Now that we've established I'm not a mad mage and am in no way holding you captive could you please UNTIE ME!
Kel: But she has the Nothing Man's machines!
Diana: They're not his, they're mine and they are harmless.
Kel: Oh, all right then. *Unties Diana * Well if we're not hostages then ... We must be guests!
R&R but no flame please! I wrote this on the spur of the moment in a caffeine-induced state of insomnia and am not responsible for the quality of it.
Diana was sleeping in her comfy bed upstairs when she was awoken from her sleep by a large CRASH.
Diana: What the hell?! Grrr. Stupid burglars. *Picks up golf club and quietly walks downstairs*
She then finds nine unusual people standing in her living room. They cannot see her as she is peering from the top of the steps. A tall man with long black hair argues with a man in a crown while a woman with short hair tries to break a window with the help of red haired woman and black haired woman. Other man proceeds to stuff crystal vase into a sack and brown haired girl sits on the floor staring at Diana's dog.
Diana: This can't be happening. I'm dreaming, dreaming dreaming! Haha dreaming!
Other man: Ha! Here she is. *Holds dagger to Diana's throat* now kind lady if you would please tell us how we got here, where here is and the quickest direction home we would be very much indebted to you.
Diana: Haha! I'm dreaming dreaming dreaming! You can't possibly be George Cooper and she's not Alanna and that's not Daine and Numair or Thayet and Jon. I'm dreaming dreaming, Hahahahaha! *Is slapped*
Alanna: She's mad! We've been kidnapped by a mad mage! I knew something like this was bound to happen! It's been too quiet lately!
Diana: *Has recovered from being slapped* But you're at war!
Alanna: So? In case you haven't noticed we're practically always fighting someone. We're used to it. George! Stop it!
George: *putting more loot into sack* Why? This is the best crystal I've seen in years! Look, not a flaw!
Jon: *Gazing into mirror* I can't see a flaw here either. *Smiles at himself*
Alanna: Because, George, I've told you, we don't need to steal anymore. And it's not very smart to steal things from a mage's house. Jon stop staring at yourself and do something useful!
Daine: Did you know that that your dog thinks other animals are chew-toys? It's very sad really and I demand that you take action to prevent this sort of behavior in the future.
Alanna: Daine! Is now really the time to launch your new animal rights campaign?
Daine: Yes?
Alanna: No!
Daine: But all of the People deserve equal respect along with representation in our government and-
Alanna: Daine! No! Now is the time to threaten the mad mage who has kidnapped us until she sends us home and- wait! Where is she!
Diana: *Is hiding behind curtains in a little ball whispering to herself*
Alanna: *Finds her* Aha!
Jon: How did you know she would be there?
Alanna: Because, George always hides behind the curtains when he knows I'm mad at him.
George: Alanna!
Jon: *To George* Haha! You hide from your wife?
Thayet: Oh shut up Jon. You always hide under the bed.
Alanna: Can we just- wait you hide under the bead? *Shakes head* And to think, you're our king. Never mind. *To Diana * Now you how did you bring us here?
Diana: I didn't! I don't know how, and I'd be too scared of you! *Whimpers*
Thayet: Great Mother Goddess, grow a backbone!
Neal: *Walks in from kitchen* She has a point.
Alanna: Where were you?
Neal: Trying to find some food. I'm starving of hunger!
Numair: Well, what did you find?
Neal: It's amazing! There's a white box that is cold inside even though there's only a little bit of ice in it! And when you open the door a light turns on, but there's no heat coming out of it!
Numair: I must see this! *They both run out to the kitchen*
Diana: No! They'll break it! And I'll have to buy a new one! It costs hundreds of dollars!
Alanna: Sit down and shut up!
There is a big crash from the kitchen.
Neal: Hey the light went out!
Diana: My money!
Kel: *Ties Diana's feet and arms with a piece of blanket*
Daine: *Bumps into TV, turning it on. Some nature show plays*
Everyone but Diana: Aaaaaaaah!
Daine: There are People in there!
Kel: It's another of the Nothing Man's machines!
Diana: *Quietly* No it's not.
Kel: Stand back! *She draws her sword and chops up the TV*
Diana: My TV! Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Everyone but Diana: *Applauds*
Diana: Why must you break everything! I'm a poor student. Thanks to all of you I'm gonna be in debt until I'm fifty!
Alanna: Shut Up! Daine, get Numair and Neal!
*They all assemble in the living room*
Alanna: Now, we have established that we are being held hostage in this house of horrors by this crazy mage
Diana: *disbelieving look*
Alanna: somewhere miles from Corus and we have no way of getting back unless she will cooperate. And so far she won't. Any ideas?
Diana: Let me go!
Jon: Here's an idea, gag her!
Diana: *whimper*
Alanna: Let me clarify. Any ideas on how to get out of here? Numair, please tell me you've figured something out!
Numair: I feel no magic here. None at all.
Alanna: Daine?
Daine: The People are very small in number. The ones in the houses show a disturbing lack of intelligence and the ones outside are skittish.
Neal: *Horrified* Where. Are. We?
Diana: Hershey, Pennsylvania, United States of America ,North America, Earth.
Everyone but Diana: *Blank stares*
Alanna: ... Right and how do we get back to Tortall?
Diana: *On the verge of tears* I wish I knew! Then you could go home and stop threatening me and breaking my stuff, which will cost a lot of money to replace.
Alanna: All right I'm getting nowhere. Numair! Do that truth spell thing that you use at court to see who's been stealing Thayet's makeup.
Numair: Oooh! The painful one or the other one?
Alanna: The other one.
Numair: *Does something that activates the truth spell* How. Do. We. Get. Home?
Diana: I wish I knew! You are all very big and scary and I'm afraid of you. I cheated on my math test last Friday and stole a pack of gum from the drug store, I wasn't sick last Wednesday like I told my boss, I put food coloring in my brother's shampoo and I think Orlando Bloom is hot. *gasp*
Everyone: *Strange looks*
Alanna: Noooo! Now we'll be stuck here forever and I'll never see my lovely home again! *Thinks* On the other hand... I'll never have to deal with my children ever again! Woohoo! They're all yours Maude! *Dances*
Numair: *grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her* Alanna get a hold of yourself! Now *To Diana * Are you a mage?
Diana: No, I wish I was. I also wish I had my stuffed bunny, Sergeant Smokefur Flopear Danduff with me so I wouldn't be so afraid. Gah! Blast this accursed truth spell! *To Numair* I hate you right now, even if you are the hottest man in all of Tortall. *Hides from Daine* Please don't hurt me!
Jon: You mean I'm not the hottest? Waaaaaaaaaaah! *Sobs*
Diana: Actually you're about number five on the list. The list goes: Numair, Neal, Dom, Cleon, and then Jon. Or at least that's my list. *Growls at Numair angrily* Take this damn truth spell off!
George: Why aren't I on that list?
Diana: Because your nose is all bent and crooked like. But don't worry it isn't a list of nicest or best people, just the hottest. *Pats George's shoulder*
Numair: I think for everyone's sake we should un-activate the truth spell
Diana: No shit!
Numair: *Un-activates truth spell* I'm not sure what that meant exactly but it sounded mean and sarcastic.
Diana: Now that we've established I'm not a mad mage and am in no way holding you captive could you please UNTIE ME!
Kel: But she has the Nothing Man's machines!
Diana: They're not his, they're mine and they are harmless.
Kel: Oh, all right then. *Unties Diana * Well if we're not hostages then ... We must be guests!
R&R but no flame please! I wrote this on the spur of the moment in a caffeine-induced state of insomnia and am not responsible for the quality of it.