Hello all! I am back with a third Fili-centric story. There's just NOT. ENOUGH. FILI. ANYWHERE. IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I was quite disappointed with the amount of screen time (or lack of screen time) he got in Desolation of Smaug. I want to see more of the Little Lion. GIVE ME MORE. Gosh.
Anyways, this story is set sometime before An Unexpected Journey, I don't know exactly how much before, just know that Fili and Kili are younger. Not babies, not kids, but they're younger. Maybe like... teenage Dwarves sort of. They're younger. Anyway.
I just want to say quickly, if there's any readers who are waiting for more on my Avengers story, "Highway to Hell", huge apologies. College has been kicking my butt there and back again (haha) and I have had literally no time to do anything but school work, and then there was Christmas, so things have been a bit crazy. I am sincerely hoping that when I see Thor 2 eventually that I will have both the time and the inspiration to write another chapter on that one.
Anyways, on with the story. I hope you enjoy.
X
"I don't know Kili." Fili bites his lip, not moving from his position by the door. "I don't think it's a good idea."
His younger brother laughs, dark eyes sparkling, and turns back to the stunning pony in the stall. "Come on Fili! Just for a bit!"
He grins recklessly, lifts the leather halter from its hook, then turns back to gaze at the pony again. "I have always wanted to ride Thunder, and so have you Fili, so don't pretend now that you don't!"
"I didn't say I don't want to."
Fili taps his fingers on the frame of the door, shifts uneasily. Thunder belongs to Dwalin, their uncle Thorin's closest friend and most trusted warrior, and Fili respects him as much as he does Thorin. He and Kili have been talking forever about getting a chance to ride Thunder, who is bigger than all of the other ponies – certainly bigger than their own ponies – and a stunning pure, inky black, also unlike any of the other ponies.
"I just think we should ask first," he says finally. He still hasn't stepped into the barn.
"Ask? And get told no?" Kili laughs dismissively. "Come on Fili. What better time? Dwalin goes out on a hunt and he takes Warhammer instead! When does that ever happen? Why would he do that? It's clearly meant to be." Kili reaches up and strokes Thunder's nose. "You want to go out for a ride, don't you boy?"
Thunder shakes his head up and down as though he is nodding, and Kili laughs and grins back at Fili. "Look at that, he's nodding! See Fili? I know I had to practically drag you down here, but even you cannot deny that that is a nod."
Fili smiles in spite of his misgivings. It's true – he has longed to ride Thunder for years now, but he'd always been too scared to ask. Thunder isn't just any old pony, he's Dwalin's pony, and one of his most prized possessions. Nobody rides Thunder other than Dwalin. Fili can't think of a time he's more envious of Dwalin than when he sees him riding Thunder. How he longs to look like that, to feel like that. He watches Thunder nudge Kili's hand, nickering softly, his broad neck arching, black and velvety as the night sky.
Fili finally takes a step into the barn, and Kili's smile gets more relaxed as he approaches. He stretches out his hand and lets Thunder sniff his fingers, smiles at the pony's soft nose.
"Ready?" Kili's dark eyes glint in the fading sun. "Who knows how long we have Fili, they left at least thirty minutes ago. We have to get going if we're going to do this. We are going to do this, right brother? Come on!"
Kili grins at him like he's a child again, and when Fili doesn't say anything, his younger brother's smile dissolves into an expression Fili hates – that innocent, pleading 'If you don't let me do this I will be sad for weeks' expression. And the thing is, he will be.
"We might never get this chance again."
Fili swears he's pouting.
"Oh stop it Kili, that face isn't going to go work."
But it is working. He can't deny his younger brother anything, and Kili knows it. Fili bites his nail and looks at Thunder again. The big pony nudges his shoulder, nickering deep in his throat. Fili can tell he's looking right at him. His stomach feels funny, a mix of nerves and excitement. All I have to do is open that stall door. He imagines himself riding Thunder, even if it's for just a few minutes... just to know, for himself, that he sat on a war horse like Thunder, even for just a few moments. Maybe then... maybe then I'll feel like the king I'm supposed to be eventually. Durin knows I never do the rest of the time. He strokes the pony's nose, feels his resolve wavering, a combination of Kili's sad puppy eyes to his left and Thunder's dark, intelligent eyes in front of him.
Kili, sensing his brother's resolve weakening, goes back to grinning. "Let's go Fili. Come on. Dwalin won't even know."
At the mention of Dwalin's name, Fili's image of himself riding Thunder vanishes as quickly as if it had never been there. Instead he sees Dwalin's disappointed face, Thorin's disappointed face. His chest tightens sickeningly just imagining it.
"No." Fili steps back, reaches over to take Thunder's halter from Kili's hand. "We can't, Kili. He's Dwalin's pony, it's not our place."
Kili's face falls. "Fili come on. Please? I know you want to ride him too! Just... take the chance, brother!" Those pleading eyes again.
"I can't." Fili shakes his head, steps back further. "And you should not be either. Come on Kili, imagine if we get caught? We'll be..."
"We won't get caught! I'm going Fili. Come with me if you want to, but I'm going." He jerks the halter out of Fili's reach and reaches up to slip it over Thunder's ears, the pony eagerly moves his head forward.
"Kili, don't!" Fili grabs his brother's sleeve, but Kili shakes him off, and when he looks back his eyes are darker than usual, his expression hard. "Let go of me, Fili."
Fili lets go. He watches in silence as Kili leads Thunder out of the stall, puts on his saddle and slips the shining bit into his mouth. He watches as his brother leads the magnificent pony to the mounting block and swings up into the saddle, and he wishes it was himself in Kili's place.
But we should not be doing this! I should be stopping him. What are you doing Fili?
He follows as Kili leaves the barn, steering Thunder toward an open patch of grass outside the paddocks, and he wishes it was him sitting up there.
Kili walks Thunder in slow circles, his attention solely on his majestic mount and Fili leans on the fence and watches. In the gold, glowing light of late evening, Kili looks older than his years, and his dark hair and the pony's black coat blend together into one deep colour. Fili feels an ache somewhere deep in his chest, and he can't help thinking that Kili looks so much more like a king, and acts like it too. A real king would never hesitate to ride someone else's pony whenever he chose.
Kili kicks Thunder into a trot, and at that exact moment the wind picks up and Kili laughs, shooting Fili a look of pure joy - his irritation forgotten – and Fili can't help but grin back.
"If only Mother could see you now," he calls, shaking his head at the thought. "You think she'd be happy you're riding such a big pony?"
"She'll never know!" Kili laughs breathlessly, still trotting in big circles, Thunder's neck is arched, his nose almost touching his chest. "Unless you tell her, of course, which would..."
His voice trails off, and Fili looks up at him and sees the blood drain from his younger brother's face, his dark eyes go wide.
Fili turns quickly, and a horrible cold feeling slides from his chest into his stomach.
Thorin, Dwalin, and the rest of their hunting party are riding across the grounds toward them. Even in the failing light, Fili can see his uncle's face is like thunder. Dwalin looks both surprised and angry.
Behind him he hears Kili jump down off Thunder, but it's too late.
"Fili? What exactly is going on?" Thorin's deep voice is heavy with barely disguised rage.
Fili is speechless for a moment, he can't look at Kili. "We just thought..."
"Little fools!" Dwalin cuts him off as he dismounts, handing Warhammer's reins to Thorin and striding heavily across the yard toward Kili. Fili watches in silence as Dwalin strokes Thunder's neck and steps back to look at him.
"I'm sorry Dwalin... I just wanted to try riding Thunder, I did not..." Kili's dark eyes are wide.
"Then why did you not ask me, boy? I purposely did not take Thunder today because he has a leg injury! I was giving him time to rest! You boys had better hope you have not made it worse."
The look Dwalin gives them is more than enough, Kili backs away, shooting Fili terrified glances.
Fili can't think of anything to say. He glances at Thorin, who has dismounted as well and is watching Dwalin and Thunder, his face like stone.
"Go inside. Both of you. We will talk about this after the ponies have been looked after."
He says all of this without so much as glancing at them, and Fili turns and hurries away, his heart pounding a steady rhythm against his ribs, barely noticing that Kili is right behind him.
X
They're in the main hall, waiting for Thorin and Dwalin to come back in. Fili sits in silence, staring at the toes of his boots. He wishes he could run. Kili is right next to him, he's started to say something more than once and both times he stopped. Fili can't look at him.
What if Thunder got hurt? What if Dwalin can't ride him ever again?
A cold knot of fear sits in his chest like a dead weight.
Dwalin's warhorse. Ruined because we wanted to ride him for a few minutes. They'll be so disappointed in us. I'm so disappointed in us.
"Fili?" Kili begins timidly. "I think Thunder is okay. I didn't feel anything weird when I was riding him. I didn't push him to..."
Fili turns to look at him and Kili stops at his older brother's expression. Fili doesn't realize just how formidable he can appear when he's angry.
"You don't know that, Kili. You can't know that. We've always been taught how sensitive the ponies are and not to ever ride them when they're hurt. What if Dwalin can't ever ride Thunder again?"
Kili's face pales, as though the thought hadn't occurred to him at all before Fili said it.
"That won't happen. Thorin..."
"Thorin can't do anything, Kili. We should never have gone out there. We should have never even thought about riding Thunder. Now..."
He trails off, turning away from his brother's huge dark eyes because that expression of his always makes Fili feel like he has to comfort his brother, be the strong one, and right now he can't comfort his brother. He can't be the strong one. All he can see is Thorin's disappointed face.
He dreads the older dwarves' return, and yet longs for it at the same time. This waiting is killing me. He studies a tapestry hanging on the wall to distract himself, realizes quickly that it is a galloping pony embroidered on the blue material, and stands up and begins to pace. Kili sits silent, hands twisted in his lap, his dark eyes lowered.
A heavy step at the door makes them both jump, and Fili's stomach swoops unpleasantly.
The door opens, and Thorin steps inside. His blue eyes are like steel, he takes in Kili and then Fili slowly before speaking.
"Dwalin will be up from the barn shortly, and then we will speak with both of you." Everything about his uncle seems heavy, his posture, his voice, his footsteps.
"Yes Uncle," Fili says quietly, because Thorin seems to be waiting for someone to speak, and Kili seems frozen in fear.
Thorin gives them one last long stare, and then he closes the door again.
Fili finds that he's trembling all over.
X
"I would like to know," Thorin begins slowly, "Whose idea this was."
Fili and Kili are standing shoulder to shoulder, Thorin and Dwalin are standing shoulder to shoulder.
Fili can't help thinking that the pairing of his uncle and his uncle's best friend against the two of them – not even considered to be adults yet – is a bit unfair. Thorin and Dwalin are two of the tallest, most dangerous and physically imposing Dwarves in the entire village, and he and Kili – well.
Being the only blond dwarf in the village has never done much for Fili's self-confidence, especially with Kili always going on about how proud he is to have his uncle's tall dark looks and sometimes even teasing Fili that he has "Elf hair". And truthfully, all of the most powerful and inspiring Dwarves Fili has ever known have had dark hair. It's just his luck he ended up with blond hair.
"I am waiting." Thorin's deep voice reverbates around the room.
Dwalin is standing with his huge arms crossed, his face like stone.
Fili is aware of Kili shifting awkardly beside him, and he risks a glance at his brother. Kili's looking at the floor, scuffing his toe along the stone, but even just from seeing the side of his face Fili can tell Kili is terrified.
"Neither of you will confess?" Thorin's voice seems to be getting even lower, he is not raising it at all. "Fili," he says after a moment, and Fili lifts his head and looks into his Uncle's cold blue eyes. "I am very disappointed."
Fili flinches. Thorin's quiet disappointment is worse than anger, a thousand times worse than anger. He hates it when anyone is disappointed in him, it makes him feel like such a fool. Like they expected good things from him and he let them down. He desperately wants to look away from his Uncle's disappointment, from the resigned, angry face of Dwalin next to him, but he doesn't dare.
"You do know that Dwalin's horse may have been injured beyond repair, Fili."
Fili casts a quick glance at Dwalin, whose eyes are suddenly sad, and Fili wants to curl up into a ball and die.
Thorin takes a deep breath, as though what he is about to say is going to physically hurt him. "I expected better from my own nephew, and heir to the throne."
It's like a slap in the face. A cold feeling sinks from Fili's chest down to his stomach, settling there like some dead thing. He shivers. He feels very alone, as if Kili were not standing right next to him.
After all of my trying to stop Kili from riding Thunder, this is what happens? I get blamed for thewhole thing?
But he will never say anything, he will never tell them it was Kili's idea, because Kili is his little brother and it is his job to look after him and protect him above all else. And that means taking the blame even when it's not his to take.
Still. It hurts. It hurts that his Uncle blames him first, thinks that it must have been his idea because he's the older one.
How can he think that, I would never... it's too much. I cannot do this anymore. I'm not Thorin's heir, I will never be good enough.
He lifts his head, forces himself to stand up a little straighter. "I am sorry, Uncle – sir - " He bows his head a little toward Dwalin, who watches him with dark, narrowed eyes. "I hope you can forgive my poor judgement-" His voice cracks a little at the end – damn it - "- and I sincerely hope that Thunder is not injured worse." He stops, swallows hard, doesn't dare look at Kili, who is still silent next to him. "By your leave, may I go?"
It seems like forever that Thorin looks back at him, his eyes carefully blank. There is an odd expression on his face.
Fili grits his teeth and clenches his fists and forces himself to keep eye contact with his Uncle. Dwalin shifts slightly next to Thorin, and finally Thorin nods. "You may go."
Fili bows his head and hurries from the room as quickly as he can without running.
X
He goes to his favourite place, the balcony outside he and Kili's room, the part of it that is around the edge of the wall, so anyone inside the room or standing in the doorway is unable to see that he is out here. There is a chair out here, because Fili sits here so often, but he does not sit this time. He just stands there, staring out over the dark fields.
I can't do anything right. I'll never be king. I cannot be king. Thorin probably wishes I was not his heir. He probably wishes his heir had turned out like anyone but me.
His eyes well up with frustrated tears, and he immediately brushes them away, cursing under his breath.
He hears the door to the balcony open quietly behind him and he stiffens, knowing Kili has probably come to apologize. As much as he loves his brother, Kili is the last person he wants to see right now. He doesn't turn around.
"The stars are bright tonight."
Fili jumps at his uncle's deep voice, whips around so fast he almost gets dizzy. Thorin is standing behind him in the doorway, looking up at the sky.
Fili doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. Thorin sighs softly, his breath hanging in a white cloud in the cold air around them.
"When I was younger, I used to come out here just to look at the stars," he says, his voice softer than usual. "For some reason they used to make me feel safe."
Fili can't imagine his uncle ever being scared. When Thorin and the other Dwarves of Erebor had first come here, his Uncle had already faced the dragon fire, had already wandered for hundreds of miles. How, after that, could he have ever stood out here and gazed at the stars and been frightened?
"This was always my favourite place too, this very spot." Thorin looks fondly down at the chair Fili had dragged out here, touches the arm. "I could sit out here for hours."
Fili looks away, back out over the fields. He can't think of anything to say, and really he feels as if he does speak, he'll cry.
There's a long silence, and then Thorin moves up next to him, touches his shoulder. Fili longs to roll his shoulder back and push away Thorin's hand. Please don't touch me. But he does not. He prays Thorin cannot feel his trembling.
"I am sorry, Uncle."
"You already said that, Fili."
"No, I did not say this part. I am sorry that I am such a terrible heir to your throne. I am sorry I am such a disappointment. I am sorry I keep making bad decisions..." His voice wobbles, but he goes on, angrily brushing away a stray tear that streaks down his cheek. "...I'm sorry Dwalin's pony got hurt..." Fili laughs mirthlessly. "I'm sorry that I cannot do anything right." He swipes his sleeve across his cheek, sighs shakily. "I am so sorry, Uncle."
Thorin sighs heavily. His blue eyes are sad. "Fili." His voice is low and gentle. He tightens his hand on Fili's shoulder. "Stop. I know it was not your idea to ride Dwalin's pony."
Fili stares at him, confused. "What?" He hates how his voice quivers.
Thorin sighs again. "I knew before I talked to you and Kili. I knew you would never come up with such an idea, you know what Thunder means to Dwalin. I knew it was Kili's idea. You did not do anything wrong."
"So why..." Fili blinks rapidly, he feels completely wrong-footed.
"Because... I suppose I was angry that you had not stopped him." Thorin rubs a hand across his beard, sighs again. "It was wrong of me to say what I did. Fili, you are a good heir."
Fili shakes his head. "No I am not. I'll never make a good king, Uncle." He hesitates, and then "...I think that I was not born to be a king."
He looks away because he cannot speak anymore. Thorin was right. The stars are very bright tonight.
They stand in silence for a moment, and then Thorin sighs again, but this time it is different. This time Thorin sounds tired. This time, Fili - although his throat is tight and the tears in his eyes have turned the stars above them into billions of little pinwheels of light - cannot help but look at his uncle.
He's shocked at how old his uncle looks suddenly, the silver in his hair and beard bright in the starlight, but it is not even just that. His eyes are full of a memory and sadness that Fili has not seen there before, and it seems as if he is not even there standing with Fili but off in some far away place that Fili cannot ever go or even imagine. He almost jumps when Thorin begins to speak.
"When we first came here, after... after Erebor fell, and Moria, everyone looked to me to make things right." Thorin blinks, then pushes on. "I was young, Fili. Not as young as you are now, but still young. Too young for that kind of responsibility. At least I thought so."
He leans more heavily on the stone railing, his gaze focused somewhere off in the dark. "My grandfather was dead. My father gone. Often I doubted myself. I thought that I could never be the king I was meant to be."
He looks down at the ground, and for a moment the lost expression on his face frightens Fili. This is a side of Thorin he has never seen before. To Fili Thorin has always been the strong, capable king, the king who makes all the decisions and no one ever crosses him. The king who does not ever make the wrong decisions.
To see his uncle look so lost, so forlorn, to see him remembering those dark days, Fili feels as if he is looking through a door that has been closed to him for his whole life, a door through which lies something terrifying, something that he was never meant to see.
"But I was wrong. That destiny has found me as surely as it will find you."
And his Uncle straightens his shoulders and lifts his head and shakes his great head of black and silver hair back, and his blue eyes grow hard and steely again, and his voice is like the thunder rolling over the hills in the dead of summer and the door is closed as though it were never open, and Fili can only stare at his uncle in awed silence.
"Balin used to say to me, "Do not ever doubt yourself, laddie. You are a descendant of kings. That same blood flows in your veins. You were born to do great things"." Thorin blinks, and seems to come back to himself, as though waking up from a dream – and he finally looks at Fili, and he smiles.
"And now I say the same to you, Fili. You are my heir. You, too, are a descendant of the great kings of old. I do not for one moment doubt the great king that you will one day become, and you should not either."
He stops, looking away for a moment, and then he catches Fili's eye again. "And if I am tougher on you than Kili, it is only because I can see how great a king you will be someday." He pauses. "...I tell myself that Kili is a child still, but I often forget that you still are as well, and should be allowed mischief now and then." His voice is gruff at the end, and he looks away.
Fili does not know what to say. He feels oddly light, and yet he still feels as though if he says anything he will immediately begin to cry. Thorin's sudden confidence in him is overwhelming, and all he can do is stare openly at his uncle, who suddenly looks closed off again, as though the Thorin Fili saw moments before had never existed.
"Durin knows, you got into enough mischief yourself at his age."
They both jump at the same time, turning quickly to see Dwalin leaning on the door frame. He looks highly amused, and Thorin suddenly looks quite cornered.
"Dwalin."
"Yes, Thorin!" Dwalin winks rather obviously at Fili and crosses to sit down in the chair. "We will not ever mention the time on which you and I decided it would be a good time to break into your father's armory and have ourselves a fight with some of his most prized swords! We must not even think about the time that you and I knocked on that high-and-mighty Thranduil's wooden doors and ran away each time they were opened until all of the Elves were quite un-Elf-like in their rage." Dwalin chuckles heartily. "What were your grandfather's words? Something like "Thorin, tensions are already high enough without you single-handedly trying to start a war with the Elves". I do not believe I figured much into his anger, me not being Durin's heir."
Thorin fixes Dwalin with a long look, and Dwalin winks again at Fili and stands up. "Thunder is fine, Fili. There was no damage done."
"Oh good!" Fili finally manages to speak, warm relief floods his chest. "I am so glad. Dwalin, I am so sorry, I never meant..."
"No apologies needed." Dwalin holds up his hand. "Your brother did quite enough apologizing himself. He seemed quite adamant that we understand it was not your fault as well. I must have heard that he "had to practically drag you down to the barn" with him a dozen times."
He chuckles gently and pats Fili's shoulder as he walks past. "Chin up, lad."
To Thorin he says "Balin has asked to speak with you. Shall I tell him you will be along shortly?"
"No, I am coming now." Thorin clears his throat and looks at Fili, nods quickly. "No doubt your brother is lurking somewhere in the halls waiting to speak with you, so I will take my leave now."
He follows Dwalin inside, and Fili lingers on the balcony, still trying to process the things he has just learned, and the things he has just been told.
He knows that Thorin is right – Kili is definitely inside right now, worrying that Fili is mad at him, and he really ought to go put his brother's mind at ease. But not yet.
He goes back to the balcony's rail, lays his hands on it, feels the stone under his fingertips, looks back up at the stars overhead.
A descendant of the great kings of old.
A little chill runs down his spine at the remembered words, and for just a moment he allows himself to imagine that someday these doubts will not plague him any longer, that he will be as strong and confident as Thorin – that he will be a good king.
Thorin thinks that I will be a great king.
The knowledge makes him stand taller, and he shakes his long blond hair back, and squares his shoulders, and narrows his blue eyes, imagines that one day his voice will rumble out over the fields like thunder, just like Thorin's.
After all, Thorin used to be not so very different from him. And look at him now.
Fili gazes up at the stars, and he feels safe.
I was born to do great things.
X
Thank you for reading!
Please leave me a review and let me know what you thought. :)