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The Epic Story Of Sad-Eyed Man

By Zachary Krishef

The Underworld, circa Limbo….

In the gates of the Underworld, the Sad-Eyed Man stood, waiting for his chance to escape to the realm of the living. He spent his days moaning piteously, grousing, and just generally being a pain. On the few days where he could not be found in his usual hiding place, one could see him trying to break into Hades' mansion and throw stones at him.

After the seventeenth time, a guard finally grew bored of his antics and threw him into the streeet. "Ooooh, why me?" Sad-Eyed Man moaned. "I just want to live again! I want to LIVVEEEEEE!"

For a tortured soul like him, time had no meaning. It seemed as if he had been trapped for days, but he already had a scraggly beard to rival Merlin's or Dumbledore's. Other spirits avoided him, as he had begun to smell of ripe cheese. To be fair, that wasn't entirely his fault. The Underworld is squalid.

Finally, one other spirit took pity on him. "Pray tell, good sir," The small child said, plugging her nose, "What ails you?"

Sniffling, Sad-Eyed Man peered at her, pausing his wailing for the moment. "Oooh, it's horrible! I have an unfulfilled mission! I need to get back to Atlantis for my one, true purpose in life! It's my mission!"

The small child coughed, as, inexplicably, the Sad-Eyed Man had begun to smell of tomatoes. "I have an idea, sir. If you can guess this riddle, I will let you go to your home. But, there is one condition. You-"

"I'LL DO IT!" The Sad-Eyed Man screamed. "I don't care about conditions. Do you think I like looking like Will Forte from The Last Man On Earth? It's a funny show, but dust keeps getting in my beard! I'm only thirty-nine, but I look like I'm two hundred and three! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" On the last sentence, his voice broke into a keening whine, sending several ghostly birds flying away.

The girl shrugged. "If you say so, Sad-Eyed Man. Off you go!" With a poof, he disappeared.

Atlantis, circa 2016…

The Sad-Eyed Man appeared inside of his house, freshly shaven and young. "Thank the heavens, I'm back! Now, for my mission! Where'd I put it?!" Grumbling, he began running around his kitchen, throwing objects across the room and sending cupboards into disarray.

After fifteen rushed minutes, he emerged, holding a six-foot burrito. "FINALLY!" The Sad-Eyed Man yelped. "I have my prize from that lawn-trimming contest!" With a cry of delight, he immediately shoved the entire burrito into his mouth, closed his eyes in anticipation of a delicious meal...and choked to death.

The Underworld, circa Limbo (Again)...

The Sad-Eyed Man crashed into the ground again, this time in an especially fetid pile of mud. Desperately, he pawed through the desert, searching for his burrito. In despair, he threw his hands into the air and cried.

Nearby, the little girl snickered evilly and transformed into Hades. "Beware, puny soul. No one tries to vandalize my house and gets away with it! NO. BURRITO. FOR. YOU!"

THE END