Title
Once again, I am alone… I feel the urge, which has consumed me many times before. The urge is overwhelming. I hardly take notice of the room around me anymore… that's how strong the urge is. Do you know what it's like, when you're so overwhelmed by emotions, you don't even register what you do? You don't think at all, and the most frightening: you don't know why exactly you feel this specific way. Confusion seems to constantly be by your side. So what do you do when the only thing to help you out of this situation is the urge you're trying to fight? Right… You give in…
Being completely overwhelmed by my thoughts rummaging around my head, I completely forget that I am in fact, not alone. My sister and our friends are meant to be getting back soon. But I forget. I also forget to lock my door as I proceed to turning of the light and making my way in front of my full length mirror and my make-up box, where I keep IT hidden. Even though my sister could be getting back any minute now, I take it out carefully and clean it thoroughly. After I finish, I pull up the sleeve of my black wool-cardigan and inspect the scars, which decorate almost my whole forearm.
The last time I've done this is a long time ago… so why am I here again? Why am I here now? While being too focused on my thoughts, my body takes over, and when I realize, it's already too late. I watch my hands as if watching someone else. It feels so unreal… until I feel the coldness of the blade against my skin. I snap back to reality and suddenly it hits me with full force… I squeeze the blade in my hand as lost tears escape my tightly shut eyes…
It hurts…
My heart…
It aches as images of the two of us make their way in my head… his lips on mine, the touch of his hands as he caresses my cheek… my thoughts are interrupted by images of him doing the same to another girl, forcing their way in my mind. I clutch my heart as stinging pain consumes it.
I cry harder.
My phone suddenly plays songs I don't want to hear…
"[…]and if this ground gives way I just hope that you'll catch me.
You came and saved me tonight
Defending all my life whoa-"
I rip the headphones from my ears with my free hand, and throw them, including my phone away, not noticing the disturbing sound of it crashing against the wall. Once again reality hits me, because of the song, and I finally notice the huge gash I made while clutching my blade… a lot of blood drips from my hand and it burns and stings, but I don't mind… "I'll clean it up later…" I put the blade to my wrist and pull a fine line, I hold back a moan as relief washes over me. I watch as the cut turns red and blood starts to pool in it. It stings, but I smile through my slowing tears, I like this familiar stinging. I pull another line right next to the first one, this time a little deeper, and hiss as the blood pours out, and again watch in awe as the blood very slowly drips to the floor. I repeat this another two times and grab the plasters I keep in my make-up box.
I watch the blood run down my wrist a little longer until I put on a plaster on my fresh cuts, the gash across my right palm long forgotten. I sit still and enjoy the stinging a little longer, but am interrupted by my thoughts once too much this evening, they keep going back to HIM!
I feel like I'm losing myself again… only this time, I let everything out.
I grab the blade, with my already cut hand, and start slashing at my other wrist, everything goes red and countless little cuts decorate my right forearm. I start crying again and blind tears of rage and frustration stain my cheeks. I lose it completely.
I don't hear the front door opening, nor do I hear HIS voice calling my name and the other guys yelling "Get in there!"
I'm too lost.
I pull my legs to my chest and put my arms on my knees, still sliding the blade over my arm very lightly, as if caressing it with the blade. I don't see the blood which started to pool on the floor under my wrist.
The door opens.
He steps in, grinning, then stops in his tracks, but I still don't notice him. I keep rocking back and forth, still crying and sobbing, still cutting myself. I only notice him when I see his face in front of me. I scream. Suddenly I hear the others, laugh and yell something along the lines of "Do it right man!"
I ignore them, too lost in his dark brown eyes, not believing that he's really here. He doesn't say anything. I drop the blade in the pool of blood, which I still don't notice, I cover my face so he doesn't see my pitiful crying face… I hear the door close and look up.
He's gone…
I clutch my heart again. It feels as if it's being shredded into thousands of tiny, miserable pieces! I shut my eyes tightly, clutch my heart harder and leave my hand, with the huge cut over my palm, hanging, the blood still dripping into the now huge pool of blood on the floor. I don't realize him coming back until I feel my hand being lifted and turned. I look up and see HIM inspecting the deep cut from when I clutched the blade earlier. It's pretty deep and he notices it too and puts disinfectant on it. He chuckles as I hiss in pain.
"You can cut yourself, but the disinfectant is painful? The irony…" the last part was mumbled, I stay silent. He probably thinks I'm insane, though I wouldn't deny it if he said so… he finishes bandaging my hand and gently grabs the hand I clutched my chest with. He says something, but I'm too focused watching his face, he's very handsome… to me anyway, others may not find him handsome at all… he pulls of the plasters I had put on earlier and I squint at the pain, he looks at me worriedly. He inspects the fresh cuts and shakes his head. "I wonder why the others aren't here yet…" I could've bet he told them that I went insane… He cleans my cuts and bandages them also.
After what feels like an hour, he's done and looks me dead in the eyes. He stays silent. All the frustration and anger I had before suddenly vanished. Now I just feel numb, only the soft stinging and burning of my cuts left to feel. After a while of sitting in silence, he speaks up.
"Why?" my body is still trembling from my actions, I'm reluctant to tell him at first, but I can't help but notice that I don't really have anything to lose… So I tell him, still sobbing, about my thoughts, that he never leaves my mind and that I hate the thought of him being with another girl, and he listens in silence. I soon start crying again and hate myself for it. He suddenly hugs me when I'm done, but I'm too shocked to say anything. Again he breaks the silence.
"Please! Never.. never do that again! Please…" My tears come to a halt and I look up… he looks worried…
"Why?" it's my turn to ask.
"Because… you're worth so much more…" slow tears stain my cheeks once again, and I think about him being much happier with someone else.
"No… don't say that!" He looks sad, and I must too because he hugs me again. I try to stop the tears and enjoy the feel of his arms around my shoulders and mine around his middle. I tighten my grip around him, trying to make the moment last longer and I guess he noticed because I feel him smile against my neck. I'm not sure what makes him do it but he presses a soft kiss against it. I automatically lean into it, and suddenly he holds still, as if he's thinking something through.
"If I stay with you…" he whispers suddenly, "would you be happy?" I'm stunned at this question and at loss of words, but nod none the less.
"Am I good enough for you?" he sounds concerned. I nod eagerly without thinking. He chuckles and I close my eyes and, now fully, enjoy this closeness. He kisses my neck again and whispers
"Then… be mine!" It takes some time for me to realize what he just said, and I take my sweet time before being able to answer.
"Gladly…" I whisper back once I found my voice. He suddenly breaks the hug and, once again, looks deep into my eyes.
"and no more…," he lifts my hands up and brings them to his lips, kissing my wrists "of this!" I nod, feeling paralysed by the sudden turn of events.
"No more!" I smile as I answer.
"Promise?" I nod once again and smile at his concern. He smiles back, and kisses my wrists and my injured palm gently.
"I'll take good care of you…" He leans closer very slowly and whispers "I promise!" then he finally kisses me properly. Somewhere from the depth of my room I can hear Nick Thomas sing the chorus of one of my favourite songs.
"You came and saved me tonight
Defending all my life
Whoa, now I'm content with my breath
'cause I'm alive!"
"I guess you did save me tonight…"