Just when you thought things couldn't get any weirder, we meet a villain with an appetite for all things pink and purple polka dotted, glittery, pony, and fuzzy...and pretty. We like to call him Voldy . . .
Chapter One: Auctions
An owl hooted softly at a white Persian cat stalking it around the bedroom. It watched the cat with one eye, tilting its head ever so slightly when the cat turned its back and stretched. The owl silently flew to a new perch, watching the cat once more. The cat sat down, and swished its tail, looking at the owl who had positioned itself atop a lime green fluffy hat on a hat stand. The cat stretched lazily before it flicked its tail again, and walked off, uninterested in the owl. The owl let out a soft hoot of relief, and settled its snowy head under one wing. "Fluffy? Oh, FLUFFY-POO?" called a cheery male voice, making the owl jump. "Come to Daddykins!"
The man walked into the room, wearing a flowery fluffy robe and bunny slippers. "Oh, Fluffy, darling, whatever are you doing there?" The cat meowed, and rubbed itself around the man's pyjama clad legs. The man picked the cat up, and cuddled it for a moment. He went over to his large pink polka dotted canopy bed, and sat on the edge, the cat in his lap. He was stroking the cat lightly, and muttering sweet nothings in its little ear. Suddenly, there was a whirlwind, a crash, and a woman with incredibly bushy hair whizzed out of his fireplace, promptly mussing up his pink carpet.
"Oh, dearie me!" he recoiled in horror and shock and the cat scampered under the bed. "You scared me so much, I almost went tinkle!"
"Shut up and get your butt over here, you dork." The woman was obviously not in a good mood. The man instantly smartened up, and faced the woman, and the mess she had left on the carpet.
"Bella, what a pleasure," the man said, looking disdainfully at his, once, immaculate carpet. His long fingers met in a steeple, as he bowed slightly to the woman. His bubbly nature got the best of him, and he ran towards her.
"So, what's up, Bella della?" He swept the woman into a tight hug. "The colour on those shoes... what's it called? You mustn't keep secrets from me, you know, you really mustn't!"
"Ash..." she glared at the man, before smiling slightly. "Look," she said, spitting the hair out of her face. "There's a charity toy auction with 'My Little Ponies' up at Hogwarts..."
Bella was interrupted by the man jumping up and down and squealing in delight "Ponies! Ponies! I LOVE PONIES!! Let me just get my money together. Oh, Merlin, I am SO there!" Bella looked at the man, rolled her eyes, and put her head in her hands. "Why, of all things, PONIES? Why couldn't he have an obsession with something else, something less GIRLY and... MUGGLE!" The man didn't hear her. He was humming loudly to himself as he quickly gathered together his money (from a piggy bank) and counted it into a Velcro-closure Dora the Explorer wallet. Bella was right behind him, about to step into the green flames, when the man flung out an arm and boldly said, "Stop! I almost forgot my teddy!"
Chapter Two: At Hogwarts
"Voldemort! What a pleasure!" Professor Snape ran up to Voldemort, and gave him a high five, "Voldy, my sweet, wonderful friend! Why don't you help me hand out the treats to all the cute children?" He shoved an extra basket of goodies into Voldemort's empty hands. Snape proceeded to skip around the hall, throwing treats in the air, much to the children's delight. He began dancing and singing the Muggle song "I'm a Barbie Girl," as the auctioneer was selling off Muggle Barbies. Students and teachers alike tried to discreetly charm pieces of the fallen candy toward them.
"Oooh," Voldemort said, looking greedily at the treats in the basket. He picked on up and read the nutrition label. "These sweeties are sooo sugary; I'll be bouncing off the walls."
Bella appeared out of the floo network carrying his teddy and wallet. "You carry more things than I do!" she complained.
"Ooh...Lookie!" Voldemort pointed excitedly at the face painting booth. "I can be made pretty!"
Voldemort ran to the booth, his flowery housecoat flowing behind him. His bunny slippers slipped slightly as he ran across the stone floor. He sat expectantly at a chair. "Sir, what would you like? We have ponies, flowers, rainbows..." the bushy brunette listed off a list of items, ticking them off on her fingers as she went along.
"Ooh, I want a scar like Harry's." His eyes filled with wonder. "He's my hero...."
After he was done with face painting, Voldemort ran around excitedly pointing at random things. Bella followed him like a zombie, answering every question he had. "Bella, I can see the sky from here. Look Bella! We're in the Great Hall Bella! Bella! LOOK!"
"I know. The ceiling is enchanted to look like the sky." She rolled her heavy lidded eyes.
"But why is the ceiling like that?"
"No idea. Maybe a founder wanted to see the weather outside up close and personal."
"Why? What's a founder?"
"Voldy," she groaned. She recounted the whole story to him as she tried to pry him away from the blonde pug like woman who was giving manicures. ("But I WANT pretty nails!")
Voldemort had a wonderful time at the auction, and was reluctant to leave ("Bella! They have FREE pumpkin pasties!"). Luckily, the persistent Bella soon lead him away from the treats, and towards the fire place, upon when they arrived, Voldemort began humming the "Dr. Who" theme.
"Ooo-ee-ooo," he hummed quietly. Bella huffed behind him, pulling a stuffed suitcase, Voldemort's wallet, and his teddy behind her.
With much difficulty, Voldemort and Bella flooed home; Voldemort had picked up 20 more "My Little Ponies" to go with his collection, along with a "My Little Pony" suitcase to carry them home in.
"And I'm going to call this one Cutesy, and this one Bluey, and this one Pinky!" Voldemort looked fondly at each of his prized ponies before dimming the lights in his Pony room, and heading to bed. "Nightsy-night, Bella." He sang, as he leaped into bed. Bella rolled her eyes, "Whatever, Voldy."
Chapter Three: Needy Patient
Harry was reading the evening paper when his wife, Ginny, walked in the front door of their modest home. She looked tired.
"Ginny, how was the...er... the auction?" he asked hesitantly, knowing that Ginny, with her short temper, may explode at any moment.
"It was good but...ARG!! That meeting afterwards," she shook her head before adding angrily, "I never get recognized! You'd think that I, the organizer, of all people, would be recognized for my work today, but noooo...all everyone ever talks about is Pansy Parkinson. It's "Pansy" this, and "Pansy" that. Here I am, putting together an auction, sending owls to Hogwarts to round up students and teachers to decorate the Great Hall, ordering supplies, doing a million other things, and the most that girl does is flip her hair and flirt. Says she's 'multi-tasking'. Right." She took a sip of the tea Harry had placed in front of her. She brightened up, and added, "other than that, it was ok, I guess. We had a great turn out! I mean, Voldemort showed up." Ginny looked at her husband fondly before picking up a newspaper. "You finished with this one?"
"Yup," Harry looked at his wife, his mug of tea halfway to his mouth. "Ginny, Voldemort was there? Who was he with" His hand and mug remained frozen in place.
"Bellary Lestrange," Ginny looked at her husband curiously. "Why d'you ask?"
"Oh, no reason," Harry smiled went back to his tea and paper. He'd had a long day at work, and had been surprised that Voldemort hadn't called him.
In the wizarding world, Harry was well known for his abilities as a healer. His greatest achievement occurred six years ago, when St. Mungo's was flooded with death eaters. They all came in with funny personality disorders, like a personality reversal. It was a weird side effect associated with the dark mark.
Harry whisked away their empty mugs and said "Ron and Hermione are coming over in an hour, don't forget."
oOOo
Ginny, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all in the den at the Potter's house, enjoying a newlywed get together. They were watching a movie, but it was hard to tell how much movie watching was going on. The movie was pretty much abandoned when the ring of Harry's cell phone broke their conversation.
"Dr. Potter," Harry answered.
"Harry, I had a night mare!" Voldemort's voice quivered on the end of the phone. "I dreamed that I lost my teddy! I fell of the bed. Can you come tuck me in, pretty please, with a pony on top?"
Harry sighed and swiped a hand across his forehead, resting on the lightning bolt shaped scar. "Is Luna there?"
"Yes," Voldemort whispered.
"Can I talk to her?" Harry wanted to talk to his "living assistance". He was doing everything he could to avoid going out at 11 o'clock at night to go tuck in a grown man.
"Hello Harry," Luna spoke with Harry briefly before reminding him to, before handing up, "watch out for nargles. They're really bad this time of year!"
"Who was that?" Hermione asked.
"A patient," Harry answered.
"At 11 o'clock? That's pretty late." Ron said, through a mouthful of chips. "These are really good. What's the flavour?"
Chapter Four: One Saturday Morning
It was Saturday morning, and Voldemort was sitting down on his white couch, with his teddy beside him. "Look, Tedders! Our favourite show! Now, shh! I want to listen this time, okay?" he placed his teddy lovingly beside him on the pink throw. He clicked on the large television set, and then turned the volume up, so he could hear all of his show's opening theme.
"Dora, the explorer! " Voldemort sang at the top of his lungs to the theme song. "Teddy! It's finally starting!" He giggled excitedly, smoothing his throw (Dora the explorer, of course). No matter how hard he smoothed and tugged, the blanket barely covered his kneecaps. He pouted for a moment, took a breath, and continued to sing at the top of his lungs.
His teddy fell to one side, and Voldemort righted him again, and tucked him in his miniature Dora blanket, which Luna had shrunk accidentally using Voldemort's Muggle washing machine. Unfortunately, Luna could not make the blanket go back to its original size, so she bought a new one instead.
Luna came in to charm the room clean, and get breakfast started. She knew that once Dora was over, Voldemort would be VERY hungry. At least she had half an hour of somewhat peace.
"Luna..." dragged out Voldemort, impatiently from his seat on the couch. "Please, pretty pretty pretty pretty please? Can I have pancakes with lightning bolts on them? PUH-LEASE! And make the lightning bolts out of chocolate chips!"
"You really shouldn't eat those, you know. Plinkies have been known to infest them!" Luna said dreamily as she conjured the frying pan over to her.
"Oh, that's just silly...dark chocolate is good for you! Mrs Weasley says so!" Voldemort said matter of factly.
Luna muttered something about nargles, and then proceeded to conjure up the pancake ingredients from the cupboards.
"Oh, put my milk in the Dora cup. It tastes better." Voldemort called out again.
Luna came in a few minutes later, carrying a tray with Voldemort's breakfast on it.
"Oooh...brekky!" he squealed in delight at the sight of the pancakes, and rubbed his hands together in anticipation. Luna set the tray before him. "I'm doing the washing up, if you need anything," she called over her shoulder.
After he finished his delicious pancakes, Voldemort went upstairs to wake up his ponies with his morning song. "Hello Pinky, Bluey, Cutesy, Plootsy, Mustard, Ketchup, Relish," Voldemort sang to his ponies as he danced around his pony room. He had finished breakfast, and was now completing the chore of making sure his ponies were perfect. He lovingly picked up the yellow pony with a lightning bolt on it, one Harry had given him. "Hello, Bolt," he whispered, holding it to his cheek and stroking its nose. He then dusted the Muggle way (he had lost his wand along with his mind), and went downstairs to watch more Dora reruns.
Chapter Five: I'm Too Sexy
It was Saturday evening, and the Potter's had just finished their dinner, which Harry had made the Muggle way. Ginny was cleaning up, the wizard way, and Harry was sitting down to watch the evening news.
"A new singing sensation has swept the nation. Reporter Amanda Watch has the details," the deep voice of the NEWS anchorman announced.
"Amanda Watch here," a pretty reporter appeared with a blond man beside her, "with newfound singer..."
"Hey," Ginny stopped charming the dishes to clean themselves. "Isn't that...that's not...nooo..." she giggled as she looked in disbelief at the television.
"Lucius?" Harry asked nonchalantly, chuckling. "Yeah, unfortunately."
Lucius was singing "I'm Too Sexy" on the television. He wasn't that bad actually. More than anything, he was entertaining, even more so if you knew the old Lucius.
Harry cleared his throat before continuing. "All the Death Eaters experienced mild to severe personality disorders. It was a side effect of the dark mark."
"That's unfortunate," Ginny said, going back to her dishes. Trying to hide a smile.
Harry fought to keep a straight face while watching Lucius Malfoy strut around in cheetah hot pants. Ginny, however, was holding onto the counter to keep herself from falling over laughing.
oOOo
"Harry! Look! I look like you!" Voldemort came into their next meeting wearing the same clothes as Harry had when they had met yesterday. "Lookie! I even have your scar!" He pointed excitedly at his forehead, and then slumped into his chair at Harry's office.
"So, how have you been?" Harry asked.
"Today was good, but Luna bought the wrong shampoo for me. I mean, I want my head to be soft and shiny, and smell like strawberries. Who wants to smell like BLUEBERRIES? They aren't even PINK!" Voldemort looked exasperated.
Chapter Six: Wake up!
"Harry. Harry! HARRY!" Ron hissed, poking him in the ribs. "Oi! Class is done in five minutes!"
"What?" Harry opened his eyes blearily. His glasses dangled wildly off one ear.
"Harry, you've got to pay attention. What if this is on the exam?" Hermione looked at him seriously. "You can't go sleeping in divination."
Harry repositioned his glasses and stretched, yawning. The thick air, warmth and perfume had drifted him off to sleep. He wasn't the only one, though. Seamus seemed to have fallen asleep too. However, Trelawney was still elaborating on great Seers, and the potential in the auras of certain pupils.
"Oh...er...I guess I just drifted off...sorry..." He apologized. "What a weird dream..."he shook his head, trying to get the image of Snape out of his mind.
"S'ok. That old bat didn't even notice you were out," Ron jerked his thumb at Professor Trelawney, who was telling an intent Lavender that she was going to go live a very long and happy life filled with love and success.
"Ron!" Hermione scoffed. "Write it down in your dream diary," Hermione whispered, nudging the book towards him, "before you forget."
That's all Harry wanted to do, in fact. He wiped the sleep from his eyes, scrunching them up and trying to clear the oh-so-wrong image of Lucius Malfoy dancing and singing out of his mind.
The bell rang, and they all headed down the ladder together to lunch. Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil, who were in front of them in line, were giggling and whispering behind their hands to each other excitedly, a habit of theirs once Divination class was over.
"What did I miss?" Harry asked Hermione once they were at the bottom of the ladder. The air was considerably cooler and breathable in the corridor.
"Nothing really, just Trelawney telling us the "doom and gloom" in our futures," Hermione said, annoyed. "Honestly, she's so boring I'm surprised I didn't fall asleep myself!"
They were nearing the Great Hall when they heard singing echoing through the corridors. Harry thought nothing of it until he caught sight of the source of the singing. Though the open doors to the Great Hall, he saw what looked like a large bat skipping up and down the rows between the house tables.
"And when you tip-toe, through the tulips..." a male voice sang in falsetto.
"What?" Harry looked disbelievingly at the sight in front of him, his jaw dropping slightly. "No way..."
Snape was singing and throwing candy around the great hall. "And if I kiss you, in the garden..."
He must not have woken up properly. This was still a dream. Or was it?