A/N: I have my theories, of course, about how things could go in and after QoAaD, and this is a fanfic for "after" my QoAaD theory (it's not my actual theory for post-QoAaD/pre-TWP though, so it's just an AU fic by the end of this, nothing leading up to TWP because we don't really have much on the plot of TWP). I don't have too many theories about who lives or dies in it though and I'm not really sure and really the thought of establishing that someone's dead (except maybe the Dearborns, Manuel, the Larkspears, and the Cohort fascists in general) is sad, so I won't go into detail about it (except that Jules, Emma, and the rest of the Blackthorns live, and I refuse to consider that any of the TMI main crew would die, not now and not 'til after the end of the series), and I don't think it's necessary for this fic. Hope you guys like. Comments very welcome!

I might be wrong to feel this way

The way you make me feel alive

I want this love.

It wasn't typical.

I've seen it all, you might not wanna know about it. Like I'm a criminal.

When I was cynical, I never thought I'd feel this way when I'm without it

But when you're not here I know.

I've been a victim of emotion. I saw a side I never meant to see

I'm gonna say it if you don't know.

You are everything to me

"Let's do it now," Ty said suddenly, putting his pen down on the table.

"What?" Kit looked up in surprise, and fear, having an idea what Ty meant.

"Let's officially put in our request to be parabatai," Ty said firmly.

Kit fumbled with his words and pretended to be busy, avoiding Ty's intense, stormy eyes. "Ty, maybe we should think about this..."

"This could be our last chance, Kit. We're going to be separated if we don't do this! We can't be Sherlock and Watson apart, we—"

"I don't want this, Ty!" Kit shouted, though he hadn't planned on shouting. All his frustration and worry about how he was going to tell Ty had pent up in him for weeks, and here it was. Ty was stunned to silence, and Kit was afraid to look. When he did, he saw Ty staring at him, his mouth half-open, his expression beyond the hurt unreadable.

"Wh—What? But I thought..."

"I'm sorry. If that sounded like I meant I didn't want to be with you Ty, but that's not what I mean. I just. I don't think we should be parabatai." Kit tried to soften his tone, but he was shaking.

"You—" Ty looked so hurt, his voice soft. "You said you were on board... Why would you lie..."

"Because you were grieving, Ty. I thought that you'd realize that you didn't want it over time," Kit whispered, his voice still straining over this dry throat.

"But I do want it. Kit, we need to if we're to stay together—"

"You're desperate, Ty," Kit explained, and Ty's eyes grew. It was probably the wrong choice of words, but Kit stuck by it now. He had to, if he was to make Ty understand. "Desperate after what happened to Livvy, like you can't lose anyone else. But Ty, when you're grieving and desperate and angry, you can't make hasty decisions like this because you could regret it. And Ty—" Kit reached over and moved to touch Ty's hand, but stopped and hovered over Ty's fist on the desk instead, waiting for his permission. Ty stared at them, then at Kit, and nodded slightly, and so Kit took Ty's hand and held it between his own. "Ty, you will not lose me. You don't need to make me your parabatai to ensure that."

"How can you be sure... speak so finally about something you don't know—" Ty gritted through his teeth, his eyebrows furrowed as he tried to process it.

"I know because it's what I want. What I do know I don't want is to be tied down to you in..." Kit hesitated, but knew he had to continue lest Ty misunderstand. "I don't want to be tied to you, so permanently, in just one way."

"What are you talking about?" Ty looked at him incredulously. Kit scanned his eyes, hoping to will him into understanding without having to say why he really didn't want this. It had taken him so long to realize and accept it, and to understand its implications and what it could do to their friendship, and now here they were...

"Ty, you didn't want a parabatai, you never did. You wanted to be parabatai with Livvy, for her. But not me. You want this because you weren't able to give this to her—"

"I want this because this will keep us together! Kit!" Ty seemed to explode. He pulled his hand away and pushed off his chair from the desk. He walked away, towards the window.

"There are other ways, Ty. But we shouldn't resort to something so... so... permanent." Kit rose from his chair but kept a careful distance.

"So that's just it? You don't want to be tied to me permanently? What happened to you'll always be with me? To—"

"Stop putting words in my mouth, Ty!"

"That's exactly what you said!"

Kit rushed forward then and gripped Ty's shoulders. "Ty! I just don't want either of us to regret this, okay? I mean... look at Jules and Emma." Kit loosened his grip, wanting to calm the confrontation. Ty just stared at him, his eyes still furious. He definitely wasn't going to make this easy for Kit. "They made the decision to be parabatai when they were twelve. And they've regretted it since. I don't want the time to come when I regret this and become desperate enough to... to even consider what they just did.

"I just got this, Ty." Kit let go of Ty, who dropped back a few steps, and motioned to the world around him. "I've just started to accept and come to terms with this new life, and I've lost everything else—my old life, my dad, my home, and my mom now—and... and I can't lose this, too." Kit took a step forward and hesitated. "I can't lose you, too..."

Ty eyebrows twitched as he tried to think, as his mind ran a thousand miles to think of a way to respond. "Wh... What does... Kit... Kit, if we don't do this, you do lose me. The Clave will send us apart, they'll —"

"I won't let them, Ty. I'll go where you're sent, I'll fight them if I have to—"

"You can't, Kit! You've seen what they're like, they won't give us a choice! They'll send us away, separate us—"

"Then fine, we'll get separated!" Kit interrupted. "We'll stay in contact, then once we're of age and do have the choice, we can come back and find each other and—"

Ty didn't want that. He couldn't risk it. Risk the years apart, the years of uncertainty, and the years spent apart during which Kit could forget him or change and become someone unrecognizable and despicable. Like them.

"We'll lose, Kit! We'll never be the same again, unless we make the same choice Jules and Emma did years ago, to be parabatai so they could stay together, which, by the way has nothing to do with this! This is so simple, Kit! We become partners, in battle, in training, that's all! I won't bother you if that's what you want!" Ty broke away from their space and put some feet of distsnce between them. "But I need a friend more than anything right now, Kit, and right now, you're all I've got..." Ty's voice broke. "We won't regret this Kit, please. Jules and Emma only regretted this and did what they did because they fell in love and—"

"I love you, Ty..." Kit blurted out, in what started as a shout and ended in barely a whisper. "I have feelings for you." He looked down, unable to look at Ty now, couldn't bring himself to know what Ty's face was like right now, now that he finally said something that got him to go this quiet. "I may not be in love you, completely, I may not be there yet... But I know that if..." Kit stuttered, swallowed, and continued, "If we stay together, and are parabatai, it'll only get worse for me...

"I don't know if this is... hard... for you to grasp. Love. And the idea that I — that someone, anyone — could be so unwilling to risk not getting a chance, or even a choice, about who to love, or that I would never even consider being your parabatai because it would mean that I can't love you, but that's how it is, Ty..." He looked up then, and Ty was just staring. Staring at him, with a blank, surprised expression, with his blank stare, his drooping eyes as he stared distantly into Kit's head, and his half-open mouth.

"That's how it is, you... You don't get a choice about whether you can turn your back on those feelings or not, it's not that simple, and it's like the only way you can let go of that feeling is if you can forget and remove and have them out of your life, but you can't and somehow that's worse. And I'd rather be friends with you, Ty, together or apart, than be with you and have to lie to you and to everyone and myself, fool myself into thinking I'm okay or that I don't love you every... single... day.

"Emma was right, Ty. I can't. I won't. I won't make the same mistake she did. I'm saying no." Kit stepped back, and watched Ty do the same. "No. I do not want... to be your parabatai, Ty."

And they left then. Walked away, took their separate ways, and for the first time, Kit took up Jace's offer and slept at the Herondale manor. Kit appreciated Jace's respect, that he didn't prod even though Kit obviously had a problem.

Ty was right. The Clave did separate them. Despite the attempts of intervening Jace and Clary and Alec and Jem and Jia and some others made, they were inevitably separated.

Ty was right. He couldn't have fought for it, no matter how much he wanted.

Ty didn't even try.

Ty didn't say goodbye.

The Blackthorns ended up at the Brisbane Insitute.

In a way, Kit was just happy for him. That he was with his family, with Helen, Dru, Tavvy, and Mark. That Ty would probably love the wildlife in Australia.

He hoped that the people at the Institute would be kind to him. Would let him practice only when he wanted to, would let him fiddle with his tools during dinner. That they would be understanding if sometimes, Ty snuck in some of the animals that would come to him whenever he was outside. Hoped against hope that Ty didn't hate him, and wouldn't forget him.

But most of all he just hoped that Ty would find a way to be happy.

Meanwhile, though the Clave didn't listen to Jace's requests that Kit and Ty stay together, they approved his request to take in Kit as a ward at the New York Institute. Jace tried very hard to make him feel at home, to give him a big brother he never knew he wanted—and sometimes didn't, whenever he would get overbearing. Clary was sweet though, and maybe if she was a bit younger and wasn't so interested only in Jace, he would have made a move.

Maybe if he wasn't still hung up on Ty.

It would be three years before he saw Ty again.

He was in Idris, because at eighteen, Kit still hadn't decided where to go for his travel year, and so he was still at the Institute. When Jace suddenly needed something delivered to and picked up from Alicante but couldn't find the time between all his meetings and missions and classes, Kit volunteered.

He was at the Square when he saw him. He was standing on a table for a peace rally he'd decided to join when he caught sight of him.

Ty, in gear, walking past with a large group of other Shadowhunters making their way to the Gard.

Ty had become a Centurion.

Kit's words died in his throat as he watched and stared as Ty got closer, watched Ty's eyes catch his and his mouth open slightly in surprise. Kit felt his world slow. It was Ty. Ty was here! He was fine, and he looked good and fine, and he was okay, and he became a Centurion. Ty's pace seemed to slow, too, almost stopped but the movement behind him pushed him along. Ty's eyes fell to the ground briefly, then rose again to meet Kit's, then scanned the surroundings, saw the placard and the fliers in his hands and at their feet, until another Centurion bumped into him accidentally, tearing Ty's attention away. Ty looked down and seemed to catch his breath, before going on his way, shooting Kit one last glance before he walked away.

Kit's world returned to normal once Ty was gone from his view, and Kit realized that he was craning his neck, hoping to keep Ty in his sights for as long as possible.

Ty was fine. He seemed more than fine. And if his reaction was any indication, he hasn't forgotten about him.

He wanted more than anything to see him again. To talk to him and catch up and ask how he's been.

But he knew that he couldn't, not unless Ty wanted it, too. But Kit wondered if for once he should just do what he wanted and confronted Ty. He wondered...

But he's seen him. After three years, he's finally seen him, and he was doing well. And maybe, for now, that was good enough for him.

This was intended to be a one-shot, just a "What would happen..." kind of short story, and so I left this ending pretty open to interpretation to what could happen next...

BUT I do have an image of 18, 19-year-old Kitty after this and I'm open to continuing it. But for now, this will just be one-shot. I might work on it eventually just in case, and if I see that there's enough interest for it, I might continue. (Honestly, it kind of feels like a responsibility now, because it feels like that ending was sad? I definitely didn't mean to do that when I started it. And BTW, 18-year-old Kit & Ty are HAWT. Kit's wearing a sleeveless leather jacket when I imagined him here. Gosh.)

Thanks for reading! Leave a comment below if you would be so kind and feed this starving soul. (And point out any mistakes while I can edit it ahhhh, I don't have a proofreader and I kind of only checked this once or twice after writing it in a rush last night after reading and almost crying over the QoAaD chapter sampler.)

P.S. The song's Everything to Me by Great Good Fine OK, which I found while looking for songs about not wanting to regret. There wasn't much haha.