Gundam Wing: The Lost Scenes pt 2
By Kairi Taylor
(Fade in to an Old World style den. Kairi is sitting in a comfortable chair with a DVD player & a wide screen TV.)
Kairi: Hello there folks. Welcome to another edition of the lost scenes of Gundam Wing. We'll be seeing even more hilarious outtakes, as well as even more ways that wacky Wufei gets into trouble.
(Wufei jumps into the scene.)
Wufei: INJUST---(Notices the murderous glare in Kairi's eyes that usually comes before a violent outburst.) On second thought let me phrase this carefully. Why am I the one who gets the most humiliating scenes in these fics?
Kairi: Well, it's mainly because you're a chauvinist. You're also pig headed, stubborn, lacking in common sense & have some serious unresolved anger issues!
Wufei: You should talk!! Do I need to remind everyone of the evil you've displayed whenever you see---?
Quatre: (Running on screen.) DON'T SAY THAT NAME!!! For the sake of kami-sama don't speak of 'that guy'!!
Wufei: What do you mean?
Quatre: The last time 'he' was mentioned, Kairi went berserk & wrote—well you know (Flashback to Kairi typing like a wild man & laughing maniacally as he composes the material known as 'Wild Hearts: A Gundam yuri Love Story."
Wufei: NO!!!! Not that stupid love story featuring two of the most annoying onnas in the whole damn universe!!! (Suddenly, Relena & Dorothy appear behind Wufei, holding two very large, ominous looking steel mallets. They are glowing a ghostly blue.)
Relena: Wufei….
Dorothy: Omae o korosu.
Quatre: O_O''''''''
Kairi: Err, Quatre, did I hear—
Quatre: Yes, you did. We all did.
Kairi: Shimatta! Oh, before I forget, I wasn't berserk when I wrote 'Wild Hearts'. I just finished off two bottles of Mountain Dew.
Quatre: I don't know who is worse on a sugar high, you, Duo or Jubilee.
Kairi: Who do you think helped me?
Quatre: Anyway, lets get this underway before anyone hurts Wufei.
THE RETURN OF THE LOST SCENES OF MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM WING-REVEALED!!
(Now with 20% more yuri & 50% more Wufei bashing!!)
(Heero is fighting off some mobile suits in Epyon. All of a sudden a pink Gundam that somewhat looks like Wing Zero joins the battle.)
Heero: What in the world—another Gundam!!
Relena: Hello Heero!
Heero: Relena? What in the hell are you doing here?! AND HOW DID YOU GET YOUR OWN GUNDAM???
Relena: You like it? I built it in my spare time while I was at the academy. I want to keep an eye on you while you're at battle—you know just to keep an eye on you to make sure you don't get killed.
Heero: (slamming his head on the console) Why me? WHY WHY WHY WHYWHY??
Relena: Of course, Trieze did help out a lot.
(As soon as Heero hears this, he exits Epyon & makes a mad dash for the mansion. Cut to Trieze in his den.)
Trieze: War without civility, without valor & honor—(Suddenly Heero breaks down the door & runs tackles Trieze, proceeding to strangle him)
Heero: OMAE O KOROSU!! OMAE O KOROSU!!!!!!
(Quatre is playing a violin solo as Noin watches. As he finishes, Noin suddenly grabs him & starts French kissing him passionately.)
Quatre: (gasping for air.) Ms. Noin!! I don't think this is an appropriate relationship—
Noin: Don't speak, sugar!! Just keep on kissing!!
Quatre: But what about Zechs?
Noin: Forget him! You're far cuter than him!! Besides, I think he's totally into Trieze! (Zechs runs onscreen.)
Zechs: Look, I said it before & I'll say it again, I AM NOT GAY!!! Just because I spend little time with the ladies & have a respectful relationship with a man does not automatically translate into homosexuality!! If anyone is a sure fire candidate for yaoi, it's Duo Maxwell. (Duo runs onscreen.)
Duo: Damn it, MY TASTES DO NOT RUN THAT WAY!!!! Don't make me beat the living shit out of you, like I did to Heero! If anyone's gay, it's Relena & Dorothy. (Cut to Relena & Dorothy, who are in the middle of making out.)
Zechs: Well, that shut me up!
Noin: Where was I? Oh yes (Continues to French kiss Quatre. Kairi appears onscreen.)
Kairi: You should be thanking me. You're seeing more action with the ladies than I ever did in the first three years of my teenage life.
(Dr. Tofu's office. Dr. Tofu is attending to Wufei, who has almost every joint in his body dislocated or fractured as Ranma-chan walks in.)
Ranma: Hey doc, what happened to him?
Tofu: He was like this when Nabiki brought him into the office today. This is one of the most unusual cases I've ever seen.
Wufei: Psychotic…onna….
Ranma: Let me guess, he insulted Akane.
Tofu: No, the person who did this was…Kasumi.
Ranma: 0_0!! KASUMI?!?!
(Cut to Tendo dojo. Kasumi is serving Wufei some miso soup & sashimi.)
Kasumi (smiling sweetly.) Here's lunch.
Wufei: Finally, an onna who knows her place in life—TO BE A DOTING FIGURE TO MEN & REALIZE HER WEAKNESS!! TO SERVE MY NEEDS AS I SEEK OUT JUSTICE! (Kasumi is still smiling sweetly as she suddenly grabs Wufei by the collar.)
Kasumi: Dear me, I'm about to do something really evil.
(Cut back to Tofu's office.)
Ranma: That's just…terrifying.
Tofu: Yes, it is. (Kasumi walks into the office.)
Kasumi: Excuse me, Dr Tofu, are you busy?
Dr Tofu: Kasumi? What brings you hear? (Dr. Tofu's glasses begin to fog up as Ranma realizes Tofu's hands are still on Wufei.)
Ranma: Oh shit.
(Cut to outside of the office. As Wufei screams in pain, Nabiki & Duo are filming the situation.)
Nabiki: My, I never knew a joint could bend like that
Duo: This will definitely be a best seller.
(From Endless Waltz: As Trowa walks to the circus tent where Catherine is waiting, Lady Une comes outta nowhere & starts kissing him.)
Catherine: The hell---
Une: Come here my little lion!!
Trowa: Eh, well it beats getting paired up with Relena.
(From Endless Waltz: Relena & Mariemeia are in her fortress on Earth.
Relena: You know how I always said I was a pacifist & everything
Mariemeia: Yes?
Relena: Well, I lied. (Takes out a powerful submachine gun) YOU WANT TO KIDNAP ME & KEEP ME FROM MY HEERO?! DIE YOU BASTARDS, DIE!!! (Proceeds to shoot & kill all the soldiers in the room.)
Mariemeia: You go, girl!!
(A field somewhere in Johto. Jessie & James start that annoying motto again.)
Jessie: To protect the world from devastation!
James To unite all people within our nation!
Jessie: To protect the world from the---
(Suddenly, Quatre appears with a miniature sized buster rifle & blows Team Rocket to jigoku.)
Quatre: I had to do it. I really f'n hate that song
Ash: Tell me about it.
(From Endless Waltz: As Heero races to Earth in Wing Zero, Wufei is waiting in Shenglong.)
Wufei: I will not allow you to pass!
Heero: Oh well. Sucks to be you. (Blasts & destroys Shenglong. Duo hails Heero on his radio.)
Duo: Heero, you just killed Wufei….Thanks buddy!!!
Kairi: Party at my moms!! Everyone's invited!!
Heero: I am so there man!! (Heero flies to Earth as the whole world celebrates.)
(After the final episode of Gundam Wing. Quatre wakes up in his bed.)
Quatre: Wow, saving the world really takes a lot outta you. But I shouldn't have let Duo spike my drink. Hey, who's next to me in this bed? (The figure turns over & reveals herself to be Sally.)
Sally: Good morning. You sure do have a lot of energy for such a quiet guy.
Quatre: MS. PO!!!
Sally: Who were you expecting, Dorothy?
(Cut to another bedroom, where Relena & Dorothy are in bed together.)
Dorothy: Well, who didn't see this coming?
(A few OZ soldiers are standing at consoles on a ship. Suddenly, one of them sees a blip on the radar.)
OZ 1: Wait a sec, what's that thing….
OZ 2: Don't say it!! Every time someone says that stupid line, we get our asses handed to us!
OZ 1: What line?
OZ 3: Oh, you know, "It's a Gundam".
(Suddenly, Deathscythe Hell comes out of nowhere & destroys the ship.)
Duo: Not very bright, are you?
(Relena stands at the cliff as Wing Zero-1 flies off.)
Relena: Heero, Why won't you kill me? (Duo comes on screen.)
Duo: I can answer that. You see, if he killed you, then that would mean that he would need a new love interest/stalker. Since I do NOT want to be any kind of yaoi relationship in any way with him, then we would have to get Dorothy. And no one in their right minds wants THAT, now do they?
Relena: You're damn tooting!! (glomps onto Dorothy) Dorothy-chan is mine. Mine mine mine mine mine!! (Kairi, Quatre & Jubilee all appear onscreen.)
Kairi: 0_0
Jubilee: Dorothy-chan?!
Quatre: Well, it's a rather cute couple.
Jubilee: Well, I thought she would end up with you.
Quatre: I'd rather go out with Lady Une.
Kairi: Ok, that's it. Show's over.
END!