Three Times Arthur Never Said Those Three Words
(And One Time He Did)
1
It was a blessed day for Merlin the day Arthur lost his voice. Of course, the fight with the Gralfen the day before; which had resulted in Arthur jumping in front of Merlin at the critical point to stop the gnarled creature sucking any life out of the servant but out of the Prince instead; had not been the best of days and nor, for that matter, had the sleepless night spent worrying over whether Arthur would awaken and how much life had been stolen from him. Nevertheless, despite the last dreadful twenty-four hours, the past five or so had been greatly entertaining for Merlin as the arrogant Prince was currently sitting up in his large bed, pouting like a child and glaring in Merlin's direction. Merlin chuckled as he sat opposite Arthur on the bed and rolled his eyes.
"Oh, Arthur, stop sulking. Gaius says your voice will be back to its prattish self by tomorrow morning, latest. Now start acting your age. Nobody likes a grump."
Arthur scoffed incredulously at Merlin but his indignation was soon vanquished by a coughing fit brought on by the action and Merlin's look of amusement changed to worry as he handed Arthur the glass of water and rubbed his back until it was over. Eventually Arthur regained his breath and nodded to Merlin in thanks as he put the glass back on the table and sat back down.
How much life had Arthur lost to the Gralfen? Merlin had managed to blast the creature across the clearing, leaving Arthur unconscious on the leafy ground and therefore unaware once more to Merlin's chosen method of killing the beast. Arthur's life was saved for the time being but it was common knowledge that a second in the claws of a Gralfen was a year of your life gone. Merlin should have been the one to give his life, it had been coming for him. So why had Arthur so willingly taken his place? Why had Arthur so unhesitantly pushed Merlin out of the way and given his own?
"So." Sighed Merlin, drawing Arthur's eyes away from where he was sullenly picking at the bedspread to rest impatiently on his face, "Why did you do it?"
Arthur's face went a little pink but he tried for a look of innocent confusion despite the obvious heat in his previously pale cheeks.
"You saved my life. Jumped in the way." Merlin's voice was no longer laced with amusement. "Why?"
Arthur shrugged and folded his arms, trying to look nonchalant. But Merlin persisted.
"Arthur?"
His voice was soft and pleading but strangely commanding at the same time. Arthur gulped and closed his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but when no sound came out he sighed and swallowed again. When his eyes returned to Merlin's, they were full of resignation and determination, though more full of fear than Merlin had ever seen them. Merlin's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. Arthur was pointing at himself.
When Merlin continued looking blankly at Arthur, he rolled his eyes and pointed again until understood.
"You?"
Arthur nodded and made a circle with his hands, indented at the top.
"Uh….heart!"
Arthur gave a pained look and instead put his hand to his chest.
"You heart? You…" Arthur started patting a rhythm on his chest "You beating heart!" Arthur rolled his eyes "You…heart, you heart…love! You love!"
Arthur nodded again and looked away from Merlin again. He seemed to be waiting for something but Merlin didn't know what.
"What? You love what?"
Arthur looked up incredulously at Merlin and he didn't need his voice to let him know just how much of an idiot he thought he was. After he shook his head to himself and rolled his eyes heavenward he looked back at Merlin and gestured vaguely in his direction. Merlin continued, once more, to stare at him confusedly.
Arthur sighed and leant forward just enough to touch his hand to Merlin's chest. Merlin looked down at it.
"My neckerchief? You most certainly do not! Just the other day you said it looked like something died around my neck!"
Arthur shook his head rapidly and looked Merlin directly in the eyes. He pointed to himself again, then made the shape.
"You love…"
Arthur laid his hand once more on Merlin's chest. For a minute neither moved or made a sound. Just stared.
"Me."
Arthur nodded stiffly and moved back, away from Merlin and looked pointedly away from him, out of the window. Merlin just sat there.
"You love me."
He said again, emotionless in both face and voice, only the eyes showing the dawning realisation and surprise. Arthur shut his eyes and folded his arms defensively across his chest again, willing Merlin to just leave and never speak of his humiliation again. But a grin was slowly blooming across Merlin's face and an incredulous burst of laughter bubbled out of his mouth before he could stop it as he repeated again,
"You love me!"
And just like that, Arthur no longer cared that he couldn't talk. His mouth was put to a much better use.
2
Merlin was stumbling loudly through the undergrowth, grumbling to himself about the tediousness that was hunting. He had hoped that when Arthur became King, he would have given up this hobby but apparently not. The only difference was, most of the knights tagged along for security reasons.
As the court sorcerer, Merlin was asked along in case any mystical beasts were to crop up but seeing as this particular area of forest was, by now, completely eradicated of evil creatures trying to kill Arthur, Merlin was not impressed with being dragged away from the comfort of the royal bed so early in the morning.
They soon stopped for lunch by a small lake. Merlin sat away from the rest of the group, not wishing to join in with the mindless drivel the knights chose to talk about and certainly not having any desire to hear Arthur at his most prattish.
Of course, this didn't stop him sneaking glances at Arthur whenever he thought he wasn't looking. Arthur seemed to be doing the same as, during one heated argument between the knights about whether or not Lady Margaret should really have chosen Sir Ulrich over Sir Adhemar that the King couldn't even pretend to take interest in, their eyes met and they grinned.
Arthur glanced back at the knights to make sure he wasn't being watched and then launched into several complicated hand gestures. Merlin frowned. Arthur rolled his eyes and did it again slowly. At one point in the bizaare hand-puppet show, Arthur seemed to be showing a butterfly fluttering around and a sharp slash of his hand afterwards suggested a tragic tale of its demise. Soon enough Arthur gave up, scowled in defeat and turned back to the knights, leaving Merlin utterly nonplussed.
It wasn't until they were back in the privacy of Arthur's chambers that Merlin demanded what the hell he had been trying to say.
"You really are a complete moron, Merlin. I was clearly trying to tell you simply that I loved you." Merlin gaped.
"What? How the hell is this" he flapped his hands around and then mimed killing them "saying 'I love you'?"
Arthur sighed long-sufferingly.
"OK, first of all, it was not this," he flailed his hands about "it was this. And any intelligent person would have worked it out. OK, I pointed to my eye first of all and then I was clearly making a dove out of my hands like this. Then I made a 'd' shape out of my fingers and crossed it out like this and added an L instead with my fingers. That clearly says 'I love' and then I pointed to the tree I was sitting against which is a Yew tree. How could you not work that out, Merlin?"
Merlin stared, dumbfounded at the man before him. Sometimes, he could not believe he was thought to be the idiot of the two.
"Well blimey, I don't know how I didn't get that. I must have missed that particular lesson in how to understand sign language for the mentally unstable."
Arthur looked a little hurt by all this and crossed his arms; a motion Merlin had come to realise meant Arthur was feeling vulnerable and defensive.
"Well sorry for trying to be romantic."
Merlin's heart melted. What with their various duties they had little time to be alone together during the day. Often, they saw each other alone only fleetingly during the daylight hours and when night time fell they were often too tired to do or say anything other than a few mumbled words of love before they fell asleep, entwined in Arthur's bed.
On top of that, being brought up by Uther Pendragon meant that Arthur had huge insecurities about letting his guard down. In all the long years they had been together, he had never once said the three words Merlin wanted to hear. True enough, he showed Merlin every day; made sure his actions spoke loud enough for Merlin to have no doubt of his feelings and would always respond to Merlin's whispered 'I love you's with a kiss and a soft 'me too'. He even, on one occasion, told Hunith that 'your son means everything to me. I would die before I let him get hurt.'
The fact remains, however, that he never actually said the words and the fact that he had tried so hard to mime them across a group of his knights just to make Merlin happy, made Merlin's heart skip a beat. He grinned at Arthur, who continued to pout back.
"Well, who'd have thought it? Arthur Pendragon, a big old softie." He brought his hand up to the nape of Arthur's neck and leant forward to kiss his forehead. "Maybe next time, we could stick to hand signals that make sense?"
Arthur glared for a minute more before unfolding his arms from across his chest and wrapping them around Merlin's waist instead. They stood like that for what seemed like hours, eyes closed and foreheads touching, before Merlin whispered,
"Thank you, though."
3
The battle of Begrolia was a harsh one. Merlin had been caught up in a fight with the enemy's infamous witch, Madam Mim; who had insisted they use animal transformation for their duel; and was therefore a couple of hours late to the battle scene. There had already been many losses on both sides by the time he got there, Camelot perhaps in a worse state with only a couple of hundred left, fortunately including Arthur and Morgana - who had insisted on helping.
Merlin's arrival on the overlooking hill ended the battle effectively, causing most of the opposing army to flee as soon as they saw him, knowing (as everyone did by now) of his enormous power.
Arthur, who had had his back to Merlin, turned when he saw the enemy surrendering and grinned in relief and gratitude. As their eyes met, he made three clear hand gestures that Merlin remembered from years and years ago. Merlin laughed at the happy memory and pointed to himself before holding up two fingers. Arthur's smile widened and he winked before beckoning the warlock down to help the injured.
A small way away, Morgana pulled off her armour and dropped it to the ground in both shock and amusement. She had known probably before he did that Arthur was besotted with the dark haired wizard but she made a mental note to ask him when he had had the nerve to do something about it. She felt herself welling up a little at the truly happy looks on their faces as Merlin reached ground level and they embraced for a little longer than friends should. Of course, she felt ashamed of herself once she was back home at how soft she must be becoming to be this happy for her annoying brother but, she had to admit as she watched Arthur 'discreetly' kiss his own palm and touch it to Merlin's hand before running off to deal with the dead and injured, they made an incredibly sweet couple.
4
Arthur was 65 when he died. It was a quiet, peaceful death where his illness was nothing more than a week of frailty and bed rest until he passed away with Merlin crying silently next to him, clasping his hand.
"This is the Gralfen's work." Merlin had said in a shaky voice as he lay next to his King, arms around him. Arthur raised his head from its place between Merlin's neck and shoulder,
"I know. And I would do it again if it would save you from this fate."
Merlin lifted a hand to his lover's face and held his gaze. He would have told him he wasn't worth that level of devotion if he had thought Arthur would believe him. He would've tried to make him understand how little his own life mattered to him compared to his. But those kind of statements would have fallen on deaf ears, so he merely closed his eyes and let his first tear fall.
"I'm not sorry it happened."
Merlin's eyes opened in confusion.
"I'm not sorry we met that thing in the forest."
"Arthur, you're dying. You're…you're…you're dying."
"I know. But if I hadn't have jumped in the way you would never have forced me into manning up enough to tell you how I felt." Arthur smiled softly "We would never have had all this time together. And I reckon…" he reddened a little and for a moment, he looked just like he had done when he was 25 with a lost voice, trying to tell Merlin how much he cared, "I reckon I would die a thousand, painful deaths for that."
Merlin's silent tears were drenching the pillow and the hand clutched in Arthur's larger one was shaking. Arthur's breath was becoming shallower and shallower, while his eyes fought to stay open despite their increasingly blurry vision. He gasped slightly, trying to get enough oxygen and Merlin squeezed his hand all the more tightly.
"I'm…Oh God, Merlin, I'm going…"
"Arthur-"
"Listen…listen…" Arthur's misty eyes fixed on Merlin's and for a moment he could see clearly again as he took one deep, final breath,
"I love you. I know I never really said it. But I did. I do. And I will in paradise."