This story is set shortly after The Fall S3 and a few years after XF I Want To Believe but before S10 (AU). There are three main characters – Dana Scully, Stella Gibson and New York City. I plan on writing this whenever I feel emotionally down (yes – like therapy), it will be vulnerable and close to my heart which is why I'm not putting any stress on myself to continue or finish this within a set timeframe. If you know me you know I have difficulty finishing stories, so I don't think there will be a particular backbone or ending to this one. Expect irregular updates but expect them to be deep and real.

"Courage is a woman who, despite everything that is against her, still remains undeniably and unapologetically herself."

Courage Is A Woman

Chapter 1. Prologue - Scully

'Thank you all for attending, and you all have my card should you have any questions regarding the subject matter,' Scully concluded. 'Good night.'

The lecture hall applauded and as people started to pack up and leave Dana Scully sighed, collected her notes and left backstage. She never liked giving lectures in front of a big audience – it was the reason she never got into teaching much. However, this offer had come along at a perfect time. It was a chance to travel again, get away, but this time in much more luxurious conditions than she was used to. She had been asked to give a lecture at an international crime-fighting conference in New York and somehow she had never considered saying no. The subject was exactly right for her, as it dealt with medical and psychological conditions of a criminal which might influence their liability in a case. However it had been a while since she had addressed such a big group of people, some of which she knew but mostly they were strangers to her. A list had been shown to her beforehand, and she'd seen names from all over the world. There was a German agent, some FBI trainees, a group of forensic anthropologists from Finland and several other identities such as NYPD personnel, a DSI from England and presumably a few more that she didn't remember. It had heightened her nerves to a point where she had considered cancelling, but now that it was over she was happy to have persevered.

As she got ready to leave a friend from Washington came up. 'That was great, Dana,' she said. Annabelle Watson was one of her former co-workers at the hospital before she had decided to try out and start the FBI training. She'd been accepted and ever since Scully had tried to help her as much as possible, writing character profiles and recommendations whenever she needed them. The young woman's enthusiasm sparked her own again and she was instantly glad she'd invited her to the lecture. 'I'm glad you enjoyed it,' Dana answered. 'I hope it was educational.' Annabelle nodded. 'It was, I think everyone in that room learned a lot today. You were awesome.' Dana smiled. 'Thanks. Are you staying here or are you going back to Virginia tonight?' Annabelle sighed. 'Going back I'm afraid. I'd love to stick around and see more of New York but we're in the middle of an assignment. I'll let you know how it goes.' Dana nodded. 'I'd like that. Have a good trip back.' 'It was nice to see you again,' Annabelle said. 'Thanks again!' With that she left and Dana smiled to herself. It actually felt good, to inspire others. It had been a while since she'd felt this way. It occurred to her that she wanted to share her success with Mulder, so she grabbed her phone. However, something stopped her. Would he even care? She knew Mulder, and his past record for caring was not that great. He'd undoubtedly be invested in his own pursuit, not really listening to her anyway. So she decided against calling him. Sharing her successes was something that she would have to give up on wanting. With Mulder, at least. It was one of the many things that had almost become a habit for her. Almost, but not quite yet as something inside of her still wanted him to ask. She wanted him to call her and ask her how the lecture went. She knew he wouldn't, but deep down the desire was there. Just like she wanted him to cut the crap and be honest with her for once. It had been a long time since that had happened. They were basically living separate lives now, her having conceded and having moved back in hadn't done anything to change his behavior. He was still obsessive, like an addict he was getting hooked on one theory after another, always looking for that next thrill, that next breakthrough which could possibly save him or cost him his life. Scully had learned to deal with it, she'd taught herself to accept this side of him and she'd taught herself to look out for signs that he was getting worse. If she saw him declining she'd stop him, but for now she believed that this was the right thing for him to do, to get it out of his system. Or at least, she wanted to believe.

Truth be told Dana knew they were both on a destructive path. She couldn't remember the last time they had actually had a meaningful conversation, she didn't want to remember the last time he really looked at her. It was painful, but she loved him, so she kept hanging on. However, this conference and the lectures she was giving had provided her with a little escape. She would be in New York for another three days, and she intended to enjoy them. As she left the building she was greeted by the hustle and bustle of Manhattan rush hour, and even though she had never cared much for big, smelly cities, she felt a strange energy settle in her heart. Stepping into the busy street she made her way into the flow of people making their way home. Carefully navigating her way through the streets she found her way to her hotel, a really nice one close to Park Avenue. She almost felt a little out of place, but the FBI had insisted on putting her in an upscale hotel for this weekend, so she'd decided to accept it without question. Quietly, she loved it. She deserved this.

As she walked through the lobby she could spot a few of her attendees gathering in the restaurant bar, presumably for a drink. She smiled, thinking that she'd just like to have a shower and curl up in bed. When had she gotten this old? Making her way up to the 32nd floor and into her room Dana Scully contemplated what to do with the rest of her day. It wasn't late, it wasn't even properly dinner time yet and the weather was beautiful. It would be a waste to spend the evening inside, but she was tired and didn't really feel like mingling with other people. She thought of the city outside of her hotel and how she had always been close to it but she'd never allowed herself to enjoy it fully. It supposedly had one of the best skyline sunsets on the planet and she'd never gotten to see one, so she decided that would be number two on her to do list (right after that shower): Get down to Brooklyn and try to relax while enjoying the sunset. It was very unlike her to do stuff like this, usually she'd just like to revise and tweak her lecture and get some rest, but not tonight. Tonight she would do something for herself for once.

About an hour and a half later, Scully marveled at the view unfolding in front of her. She was sitting on the grass in a park on Brooklyn Heights, looking out across the river and the Manhattan buildings. She had bought some dinner on the way and right now she was thoroughly enjoying the choices she'd made. She never just got to sit on some grass, eating French fries, not giving a fuck who was around her or who was watching her.

Sighing, she let her mind wander a bit. What else had she missed in all those years of obedience? She felt a little ashamed at the thought, but truth be told she had always been quick to run after Mulder and his crazy theories without considering what she might be missing out on. He had pointed out to her on more than one occasion that he felt guilty for all that she had lost because of him, and she had told him time and time again that she did not in any way hold him responsible for that. And she didn't. She'd do it all over again if it meant ending up with the love of her life, because that's who he was and that would never change. She loved him totally, utterly and completely, but sitting here in the warm evening sun, all by herself, brought up some questions that Dana Scully hadn't been prepared to face or answer.

Don't give up, he'd said. It was a phrase that she had heard a lot of in her life, either she had told him not to concede or he had used it on her to convince her to keep trying. For her, it had always meant 'It's worth the fight', or 'it'll be worth it in the end'. However, somewhere deep down she worried. Had she given up on certain things in spite of herself? It hadn't felt that way and she didn't regret a thing, not even anything in the past few years, but looking back at her life she realized that she might have missed out on a lot just because she didn't want to give up on Mulder and give in to herself. Would it be so bad to say no every once in a while? She knew it all came down to her own confidence and how she was afraid of disappointing him somehow – it came with the many perks of growing up in a military family. She had a tendency to want to please, and sometimes that meant she got left behind.

Not today, she thought. Not this time.

She still had three days left and she promised herself, right there on the green grass of Brooklyn that she would grant herself this time. She had just one more lecture to go, the day after tomorrow, and other than that it was just her and New York.

After about an hour of relaxing, her phone rang unexpectedly. When she saw the caller ID, she smiled, but inwardly she felt that pang of guilt again – it was Mulder. Just a few hours ago she had accused him of not caring, and yet, here he was calling her. 'Scully,' she answered. 'Scully, it's me,' he answered as per usual. 'So how are you enjoying the Big Apple, the concrete jungle?' Mulder asked. She smiled. 'Good, actually. I just realized I've never really just been here without having to work all day. It's good.' Mulder chuckled. 'So the original Melting Pot is growing on you, huh. You know people call it the centre of the universe? Might be an X-file there.' She shook her head although there was no way for him to see. 'I think that's just Times Square, Mulder. And I'm not working, X-file or not. Didn't Skinner tell you? They closed that department about half a decade ago.' She knew Mulder was still a little sensitive about it but they teased each other about it all the time. 'Ouch,' he replied. 'Way to break the mood, Scully.' 'I'm sorry,' she replied. 'Anyway, how's things going over there?' 'Just fine,' he said. 'You know, the usual.' 'Have you left the house yet since I've left?' she asked, and it was half a joke, half truly a concern. 'I have, actually. A man has to eat,' he said and she smiled. 'I'll be back in a coulple of days.' He sighed. 'Okay, I'll be waiting.'

As they said goodbye Scully realized he hadn't actually asked about the lecture at all.

Scully decided to take a walk along the river, watch the sun set and make her way back uptown to her hotel before it got really late. It might be October and winter might be fast approaching, but the evenings were still pleasantly warm and the weather was much better than she had anticipated. She got up and collected her things before she started following the path down towards the water. People were gathering in photogenic places, tourists and locals coming together to create a beautiful mix of cultures. She saw a few romantic couples hand in hand, groups of children playing baseball, people taking selfies and others enjoying the evening to get a workout in running along the river and through the park. It was easy to get lost here, to become invisible but yet feel like the best version of yourself. It was a total antithesis and she found that it was the opposites of this city that were making her fall in love with it.

It was around 2300 when Scully finally made it back to her hotel, having walked the Brooklyn Bridge before getting in a cab. As she entered the lobby for the second time that evening she spotted someone she vaguely recognized from her lecture – a woman who had caught her eye earlier that day because of her strong and elegant demeanor. She seemed to be engaged in flirtatious conversation with one of the male bartenders, who looked like he was about to break some company rules for her. Smiling to herself, Scully thought about her self-proclaimed freedom: Seemingly she wasn't the only one using this trip as a pocket universe. Making her way upstairs to her room she thought about the woman, and all the other people that she'd seen today. She had made friendly conversation with some of them, caught up with others that she already knew, yet still she was alone tonight. She didn't mind, she liked being by herself but it was an innate difference between her and some of her friends who always seemed to have someone around. She had accused Mulder of being a recluse once (maybe more than once) in the heat of the moment, but truth be told she wasn't much more socially adept herself.

About thirty minutes later she was in bed, her laptop propped up on her legs to do some final work before going to sleep. She thought of the woman in the bar. Would she still be down there? Or would she be making her way up to her room as well, with or without the bartender following? She didn't do one-night stands anymore, things had a tendency to get ugly when she did so she'd given up a long time ago. Anyway, she was with Mulder now so a romance was out of the question anyway, pocket universe or not. Still, she envied the blond woman who seemingly put her sexuality and satisfaction out there a lot more than she ever had.

Scully had never thought of herself as a very sexual person. Sure, she liked the feeling, but she had always needed a certain connection to feel completely at ease. Also, she preferred making love over sex, making the distinction between a meaningful, emotional and physical connection and a way of self-satisfaction through sex with someone. Her first time with Mulder had scared her in its intensity but it had to this day been one of her most cherished experiences. Dana felt her body react to her trip down memory lane, a warmth spreading through her limbs and belly. She missed those days, the days where Mulder would look at her like she was the most valuable, precious thing in the world before carefully approaching her (or pushing her against the wall of her apartment). Neither had happened a lot recently and even though she didn't really need sex to survive she did miss the connection that she could only share with another human being in that way.

She decided it was time to go to sleep, to try and process the events of today and start out fresh tomorrow. There was nothing planned, she had the whole day off and Scully felt almost overwhelmed with possibilities. She decided that she'd get breakfast somewhere before just heading into the city to try and regain that feeling that she'd gotten a few times today: That feeling deep down where she felt so full of life and energy again. For the first time in a long time she felt like it was okay to be utterly and unapologetically herself.