When I woke up today, I was looking forward to seeing you. I was thinking about your green eyes, and your smile, and your contagious laugh that makes everything else fade away. I was thinking maybe today would be the day I told you, but I knew deep down that I wouldn't work up the courage.
I walked out the door in that shirt you told me you liked once. I got a coffee at the shop, and I waited for you, but you never came. I couldn't be late for work again, so I left. I walked down the street and went to the office and it was there I saw the headline.
The headlines said you were dead.
I laughed. I thought it was just another rumour, just a rumour, and started making up jokes to tell you when I saw you again.
Dead man walking!
Run! It's a Inferi!
You sure you're not a ghost?
And I started the conversation in my head without you, because I knew what you would say in response to any of those. You would groan and tell me I'm not very funny, and I would punch you, and you would pretend to be hurt, and I would laugh, and you would laugh, and then we'd order take-out, and we'd sit on the couch with the wireless on, telling every ghost story and urban legend we could think of, and we'd fall asleep like that, on the couch. Or rather, you would fall asleep, and I would lie there, wide awake, cursing myself for not telling you. Again.
And the next morning I would make coffee and you would make eggs and we'd both make toast. We'd move around my tiny kitchen easily, because we've done it so many times. And we'd laugh and we'd joke until we had to leave and we were both late, but who cared?
I didn't know that wouldn't happen.
I was so sure it would.
But I sat at my desk until lunch, and then I went to the cafeteria to eat the disgusting cafeteria food. And my co-workers all told me that the headline was true, that you really were dead. I didn't believe them. It's not the first time I've heard that you had died in a freak broomstick accident, or a dire Splinching. So when I was done eating, I sent you an owl, telling you to send a return note quickly.
When the owl came back, my note was still attached. I sent him out again and again, but he just kept coming back. I started to get scared. And when my supervisor looked surprised that I was at work, I got more scared. I went to your parent's house, because I knew they'd know what was going on.
When I got there, nobody answered my knocks and I had to let myself in. Your mum was crying. Your dad was drinking. Your sister was curled in a ball on the floor. Your brother was locked away in his old bedroom. Your whole family was there, sitting. All of them. You have a really big family. Like, huge. And of course, because I know you so well, I started thinking of what you'd say if you saw them like that.
If you were here, you'd be able to comfort them. You'd be good at that. You always are.
You always were.
But now you're a past tense. You are not here. You are gone.
So I sat next to Rose, and she hugged me and I hugged her and I asked what happened and she said you died and I still didn't believe it.
You wouldn't die without telling me. I'm your best friend.
xxx
I didn't go to work today. It's been a week, and I haven't been to work since I heard the news. Would you be this upset if I died? I can't help but wonder.
I also wonder why you did that - with the draught I mean.
Why did you want to go?
Why did you kill yourself?
Why would you do that?
I'm so mad at you right now Al. I am. I'm so so so mad. I've never been this mad at you in my life, but you killed yourself and now I'm mad. You had so much to live for. Why didn't you talk to me? Why didn't you tell me what was bothering you? I would've done everything I could to make it better. Everything.
I didn't know you were sad. I was your best friend, and I didn't realize what was happening. What else did I miss? Is this my fault? For not noticing? Did you just want someone to notice? When I'm upset, I always want someone to notice, so they can help me feel better. And you always did, and you were so good at comforting me.
I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I couldn't help you the way you helped me. I was a terrible friend, and I'm sorry.
I'm not mad anymore Al, I'm just sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's my fault.
xxx
Your funeral's tomorrow. They asked me to write a eulogy. I don't know how to write a eulogy.
If you were here, you'd tell me what it was. Then you'd laugh and say something to make me laugh, because you hate it when I'm sad. You hate it when anyone's sad. It's one of the reasons I love you.
Loved you.
One of the reasons I loved you.
There. I said it. I loved you. I loved you. I loved you.
I wish I had screamed it from the rooftops when I still had a chance. I wish I had said something - anything. I loved you.
Saying it makes it real. Albus Potter, I loved you. Al. I loved you.
I love you. I still do. So much. And every day, I still wake up excited to see you, and every day, I fall back against my bed again, remembering that there is no one left to say those words to. Those three little words that kept me going for six years - six years, Al. I woke up every day for six years with one thing on my mind: you.
I went six years without saying even once those three little words. You were, you are, my best friend, and yet for six years you didn't know the reason I woke up and the reason I kept going. Six. Years.
I'm mad again Al. Why didn't you ask me for help? What could possibly have destroyed you to the point of killing yourself?
…
…
…
You know I can't stay mad at you. I never could. I love you too much.
What would you do if you were here?
That's what I can't figure out.
I know you so well, I can anticipate what you say before you say it, and when you say something, I know exactly how you want me to react, and I know what you're thinking about just by the way your eyebrows twitch.
Oh, Merlin. Your eyebrows. I miss your eyebrows.
Anyway, I can't figure out what you would say right now if you were here. I can't figure out how you would react if I told you I loved you. I never could, and that's why I never told you. I should've told you. I wish you were here to surprise me.
xxx
I gave your eulogy. I didn't have anything prepared when I went up there, but I've always been good at making stuff up on the spot, so I spouted some BS and sat down and everyone clapped and I tried not to cry.
It didn't work. The not crying I mean. I did anyway.
If you were here, you would've laughed at me. You always used to say that I made a funny face when I cried. With my nose all scrunched up and and my cheeks all blotchy. You always said I looked like a chipmunk. I would always get mad at you when you said that, and then you would laugh and say that chipmunks are cute and I would stop crying because really you just called me cute. Once I cried for no reason just so you would call me cute. Pathetic right? If you were here, you'd laugh at me again.
But your funeral sucked. I mean sure, as funerals go, it was probably great, because your family organized it and your family is awesome. But, it's just that it was your funeral. And you were the one we were all saying goodbye to. And you were the one in the casket.
…
It was an open casket funeral.
You told me once that you didn't want an open casket funeral, because you didn't want people to see you like that. I guess you didn't tell your parents that.
The body in the coffin didn't look like you. Sure, the hair was right, and the nose. And the body was the same height and had the same jawline, and the same skinny build and that same mole at the base of the same neck and the same eyebrows - if you were here you'd tell me to stop saying the word same. But that's not the point.
The point is, the body looked similar. And all the parts of the body were the same as yours. But it still didn't look like you. You always smiled. The body wasn't smiling. You always had your eyebrows raised a little bit, so you always looked a little surprised and a lot happy. The body's eyebrows were straight and boring. Your eyebrows were never boring.
I miss you.
xxx
Do you remember when we were little kids and we found that ball in my backyard and we started playing with it and you accidently threw it over my neighbors fence? And he started yelling at you because you broke his window and you were so scared you started crying? And we ran inside and then my mom made us go back and apologize and the neighbor apologized for yelling and gave us cookies? And you were so anxious because you broke his window that you threw up on his carpet?
I laughed for about a minute straight when I remembered that this morning. I got some weird looks because I was just standing in line for coffee, laughing my head off, but I remembered that if you were here, you'd tell me not to worry about what other people think, so I let it go.
If you were here, and I reminded you about that, you'd scowl at me and tell me to shut up. And I'd laugh and stick my tongue out at you and you'd bring up some embarrassing memory of me, and I'd tell you to shut up, but what I'd be thinking the whole time is I love you I love you I love you. But you wouldn't know that.
xxx
Shaina from work got engaged last night. She was telling us all about it this morning. Her fiance gave her this huge rock - I mean huge. She seemed so happy. I smiled for a bit, but I didn't laugh.
I miss you.
xxx
I'm thinking of applying for a new job. I hate this one; I always have. It's a dead end job. I just took it to get some experience. I'm applying to St. Mungo's next. Hopefully they'll like me.
Do you remember when we had to go to St. Mungo's? It was just after we graduated and Mariah had just broken up with you (that bitch) and you were so angry and upset that you broke that bowl and accidently stepped on a piece of glass? The doctors thought it was so funny that you were the one that stepped on the glass but Rose was the one that fainted. She never could stand blood.
If you were here, you'd be rubbing your foot right now, remembering. I know you still have the scar.
xxx
Rose wants me to move in with her. People keep saying that it's not safe for either of us to be on our own right now. I think they're worried we're about to go around the bend just sitting at home missing you all day. They're probably right.
I don't want to move in with Rose though. We had so many good memories here, at my place. If you were here, you'd tell me that I'm being stupid, that it's just a building. And I'd tell you it has sentimental value, and you'd say that sentimentality isn't manly and I'd point out that I'm not a man. And you'd wiggle your eyebrows again and say that no, I'm not, and I'd be all happy because you noticed I'm a girl, and then you'd bet me that I wouldn't move in with Rose and because I always take a bet, and I'd do it.
If you were here I'd move in with Rose.
xxx
I applied to St. Mungo's today. The lady at the front desk smiled at me when I gave her my application. Should I take that as a good sign? Anyway, I'm going over to your parent's tonight for dinner. They miss you. We all miss you. A lot. We all miss you a lot.
James postponed his wedding. I think he should cancel it. Helena doesn't understand - she doesn't get it. She has this little happy family, and she's never looked death in the face the way he has. He told me that you went to see him that night, before you, you know, died. He looked so sad when he told me.
You should see us all now. Everyone's lost weight, we all have bags under our eyes, and we look sick. This is how you left us! I'm mad again. I'm so extremely, incredibly, indescribably mad. You did this to us! It's all your fault! Everything's your fault!
I hate you.
You were so selfish. That night, you didn't even think about us at all. Just yourself. You didn't think about how we would take it when you left.
Especially Lily.
You always loved Lily.
And she's so young.
She barely talks anymore. It's a miracle if she says a whole sentence. She misses you. I don't. Not anymore. I hate you.
xxx
I don't hate you. I was just mad. I still love you. What I hate is that you're gone. I hate myself for not helping you, and for not telling you that I loved you when I had the chance. I hate myself more than I could ever hate you.
xxx
I had that interview today. I think it went well. Do you remember when you applied for your first job? You came back from the interview with this weird look on your face and you said you got the job, but your new boss wanted your autograph. I laughed for long time when you told me that. I thought it was so funny that the man who was going to be bossing you around was actually a fan of yours.
This guy didn't even recognize my name when I went in. But he was nice enough. I hope I get the job. If you were here, you'd tell me not to stress about it. I can see it now: you sitting on the couch with a bag of crisps, me pacing in the kitchen, you laughing, me yelling at you. I'd nearly be reduced to tears, and you'd come over and hug me, and I would start to feel better immediately.
Even Rose can't calm me down that fast. Only you.
Speaking of Rose, she still wants me to move in with her. Should I?
xxx
I did it! I am officially a Healer at St. Mungo's. I'm so happy! Everyone threw me a surprise party in congratulations. I laughed for the first time since I got the news.
That was six months ago now. It feels like longer. I still miss you every day. Every single day. I was talking to Lily and James last night - really just talking at them, they almost never respond - and I told them I still talk to you like this and Lily started crying silently and James told me to say that he misses you too. So there you go. James misses you. And so does Lily. She's started talking more now. I think she's getting better.
I mentioned how she never talks to this sort of psychology-Healer at work, and she said it's normal. She said this is a healthy way for people to process their grief. I don't think she's right. I know if you were here, you'd agree with me.
xxx
Do you remember when we were fourteen or something, and I had that crush on Freddy? And you got all mad and told me to stay away from your relatives like that? And then you reconsidered and said better them than anyone else? I think you'd say something like that now. I realized last night that - oh Merlin this is hard to say - I think, I think I'm starting to like James.
It's just that since he broke it off with Helena, we've been spending a lot of time together. It's not that I don't still love you, I do, but he's here. He listens to me, and he's interested in what I have to say, and -don't take this the wrong way - he's nothing like you. He's louder, more impulsive, even now. I kind of like that. And he's not as over-protective as you were. I kind of like that too.
If you were here, you'd probably be groaning and telling me not to fall in love with your brother, and I'd choke a little bit and say "Who said anything about love?" and you'd laugh and tell me to pass you the crisps and shut up about your family. And I'd roll my eyes and say "whatever" and you'd mimic me and I'd punch you and you'd pretend to be hurt and I'd laugh and roll my eyes again.
I do like him though. A lot.
xxx
At work today, someone brought in this girl who had attempted suicide. She was in bad shape. A lot a blood loss. I thought of you and I had to run out of the room for a few minutes before I could help. But after, I sat in her room to watch her and when she woke up we talked and I told her about you.
I told her what kind of effect suicide has on people. And I started crying and begged her to never do anything like it again. She started crying too, and said she wouldn't, that she was just scared. I asked her what she was scared of and she said she was scared she wasn't good enough. I told her everyone is good enough to live. Everyone deserves life.
Is that why you did it? You thought you weren't good enough?
Because you were always good enough for me.
xxx
It was James's birthday today. And Rose's birthday is tomorrow. I was just thinking about how the day before their two birthdays we would always go shopping, looking around frantically for anything we could give them. And that one year, when James was turning eighteen and Rose was turning seventeen we got their presents mixed up and James got that really expensive dress and Rose got the spinning bow tie we meant as a gag gift for James.
We didn't do anything super special this year. A quiet dinner, where we celebrated both of them. It was supposed to be just family, but I was there too. I think I've sort of been adopted in your place. Nobody said anything, but I could tell we were all thinking about you. Your birthday's next month. You'd be twenty-three.
I miss you.
xxx
Happy Birthday Al.
xxx
It's been a year now. One whole, long, dreadful year. In a couple hours, it will be exactly one year, down to the minute. I was crying all morning. I miss you.
We're having a candle-thing tonight. We're all going to stand around with candles and walk down Diagon Alley and talk about how much we miss you. And then we'll put down the candles at the end of the Alley, and then we'll all go get drunk. If you were here, you'd tell us that we're being cliche, and then you'd tease Lily about how Death Eaters come out in candlelight, and James and I would laugh and your parents would tell you not to joke about that stuff. And you would look embarrassed and apologize to Lily and I would laugh at your embarrassed face and Rose would tell us all to start being more respectful. And then we'd laugh some more.
xxx
James stayed at my place last night, after the candle-thing. He was too drunk to Apparate home, so he stayed with me. He slept on the couch where you always used to sleep and I cried a bit because when he's asleep he looks a little like you. I cried a lot actually. I cried myself to sleep.
I woke up still crying and James came in and hugged me. We sat on my bed for a long time, not saying anything, just sitting. And he told me that it's all going to be okay. And I believed him. We made breakfast, and it was just as easy as it used to be with you. I made coffee and he made eggs and we both made toast. We moved around the tiny kitchen easily because we've done it so many times before. We ate, and we joked, and we laughed, and then I realized we were going to be late for work and we both ran out of my apartment at the same time, but neither of us cared about being late.
xxx
I'm going to move in with Rose. She's been begging me for a year now, so I thought I'd finally do it. It'll take a little while to move in, but it's whatever. We'll manage. If you were here, you'd tell me that I should have done this a long time ago. Well, you're right. And I'm moving out in two months.
xxx
James has been helping me pack. Today we found an old photo album from when we were kids. We both cried a little bit. I put it away in the box before we could get too sentimental. I was proud of myself for that. I feel like I'm finally moving on. I still miss you, but the pain's not too bad anymore.
If you were here, you'd laugh at me. You'd say that I must be utterly pathetic if a scrap of paper could reduce me to tears. Once again, you're right. Which is why I'm not letting that happen.
xxx
I found it.
Al, I found it.
Oh Al, what did you do?
xxx
I can't think of when you must have put it there. But I found it. The note. You did write a suicide note. It was under my bed. I found it when James and I were packing. It had become lodged in the floorboards somehow, and I didn't see it until now. I had to read it several times before I really understood what you were saying. James walked in and saw me crying and read the note too.
You loved me? Why didn't you say anything? I know, I know, I'm a total hypocrite, but Al. I loved you too, you know that now. And even if you had done something, even if I didn't like you, I never would have treated you the way you apparently thought I would. It's like you didn't know me. How could you not know me?
More than anything, I - I just can't believe how much you must have hated me. You left me a note saying so specifically that I was the reason you killed yourself. You basically just called me a murderer. And you left it for me to find. You wanted me to know how horrible I am.
All this time, I've been thinking about what you would do if you were here. But I don't know what you would do if you were Al I know wouldn't have left that note for me to find. Not any of the Als I know. Not drunk Al, or tired Al, or stressed Al, or normal Al. The Al I know didn't hate me.
But it's okay that you do Al, really. It's okay to hate me. I mean, it's all my fault. I hate me too.