Authors' Notes: The story you're about to read was written by two Harry Potter-crazed teenage friends, not only for our own amusement but to poke fun at all the hundreds of fan fiction pieces on site written by people that don't seem to know very much about the Potter-verse at all, and make us want to gag with their utter stupidity and bad writing. So please don't take any of this seriously. If you do, you're a moron.
We had a ton of fun writing this, and we hope you have fun reading it as well. Hopefully you'll understand our humor, 'cause if you don't, it's probably not worth your time. Basically, we wanted to have some fun with our good friend Hermione and the clichéd plotline that she gets a makeover from her American cousin. We went a little overboard and hopefully you'll enjoy that.
Reviews are always appreciated, and if you feel the need to flame, well, fine, go ahead.
Disclaimer: ...well, obviously we don't own anything even relating to the Harry Potter-verse. Because if we did, we'd probably be selling it on ebay... not writing fan fiction.
Hermione Granger and the American Cousin from the Pink Lagoon
Hermione Granger was sitting it her room studying for her fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry when all of a sudden, an owl knocked on her window. She stood up, opening the screen to let the bird swoop in and drop its letter on her bed. Excitedly, Hermione picked it up and opened it, her eyes scanning the text.
Dear Hermione,
You should totally come over this summer to America, I haven't seen you in, like, forever! Come over whenever you want!
Your American Cousin,
Tiffany
Hermione quickly packed all her things into a suitcase, remembering to put in all her make-up, and ran downstairs. "I'm going to America for the rest of the summer!" she called nonchalantly to her parents as she hurried over towards the fireplace, as if this were a normal every-day thing to yell. "See you next month!"
She grabbed a handful of floo powder from the holder by the fireplace and tossed it in, screaming "TIFFANY'S HOUSE!" and jumping in before her father could even glance up from the Muggle newspaper or her mother from her knitting of a large tooth-shaped pillow.
Hermione fell into a nicely decorated house. It was lighter in here, rays of the setting sun filtering in through the window, and seemed much earlier than the dark night that it was at her house. For a moment the time difference confused her until her brain kicked in and she realized that there would be a time difference in America.
She had been there no longer than two minutes when a big man came running down the stairs wielding what looked like a baseball bat. He ran towards her screaming, "NOT AGAIN! I WILL NOT HAVE MY HOUSE BROKEN INTO AGAIN!"
Hermione screamed. "UNCLE BILL! UNCLE BILL! IT'S ME, MIONE!"
"Oh, so sorry dear. Thought you were a burglar. Would you like a spot of tea?"
"No thank y-," Hermione started to reply before a shriek of "OH...MY...GAWD!" sounded from the stairs behind her large Uncle. She let out an "oof" as she was tackled by her cousin Tiffany and stumbled backwards.
"OH...MY...GAWD!" Tiffany repeated stepping back and flipping her perfectly straightened, platinum blond hair away from her makeup-caked face. "I haven't seen you forEVER, 'Mione!"
"Yeah, I know." Mione replied. "I've been busy, what with school and all."
"Oh, school-shmool! Lets give you a MAKEOVER!" Tiffany obviously didn't seem very interested and she pulled Mione up the stairs towards the makeup that had destroyed her face earlier that morning.
"A makeover?" Hermione squeaked. She had just started wearing makeup earlier that summer, and, seeing the bright blue eye shadow over her cousin's eyelids, the thick black mascara on her lashes, the foundation caking her face and the hooker-red lipstick on her lips, she didn't fancy much looking like a clown.
"Yes, totally!" Tiffany squealed as she shoved Hermione into a chair in front of a large mirror in her pink bedroom. Hermione thought she might have a seizure from all the pink. Pink walls, pink ceilings, pink carpet, pink sheets and pillows on her pink canopy bed, pink drapes on the windows and pink clothing strewn about the floor. Somehow she managed to hold her lunch inside her stomach.
Before she realized what was happening, Tiffany was raking a hot hair-straightener through her slightly bushy hair. "You're going to look sooooooo hot!" the blond exclaimed.
What seemed like five hours later, Tiffany screamed, "DONE!" with so much enthusiasm that Mione thought that she would fall out of the chair. Tiffany excitedly spun the chair that Mione was sitting in to face the mirror. Hermione screamed out of fright. Luckily, Tiffany thought it was out of joy.
"I know, I know. I'm a genius. There's no need to thank me! I can't imagine why all my classmates make fun of my makeup. It's so pretty! They must be jealous. OKAY! WELL! WE NEED AN OUTFIT TO MATCH THIS MUCH PRETTY!" Tiffany yanked Hermione out of the chair, almost sending her catapulting into the wall. She motioned for Hermione to follow her into the closet. Hermione followed cautiously, making sure that no pink stuffed animals fell off the shelves and attacked her.
If it was even possible, Tiffany's closet was worse than her room. It was pink EVERYTHING! You couldn't really tell the difference between the walls and the clothes. They all kind of blended together. And worst of all, there was a pink disco ball sitting on the pink dresser that occupied one of the walls of the closet.
Hermione actually gagged, but Tiffany was concentrating too much on searching for the perfect outfit to notice. "OH MY GAWD THIS ONE IS PERFECT!" she suddenly exclaimed, turning around and holding out an outfit to show Hermione with an expectant look on her face. "Well? Isn't it SO cute! It's totally you!"
Hermione eyed the tight-looking white tank top and the hot pink mini skirt with distaste. "Um."
Tiffany grabbed her arm, throwing her into the bathroom with such force that she stumbled over the toilet and landed lopsided in the bathtub, a bottle of "Fruity-Licious Body Wash" falling onto her head. "Here, try it on!" Tiffany exclaimed, tossing the outfit onto the floor. "You're going to look amazing! OH MY GOD, WE TOTALLY HAVE
TO GO CLUBBING TONIGHT!"
"Um."
"I know this perfect place, there's tons of hot guys!" Tiffany continued. "Oh, well look at me, standing here babbling on. Go on, put it on, I know you're just dying to!" Winking, the blond left the doorway and slammed the door behind her.
Climbing out of the bathtub, Hermione picked up the outfit, holding it far out away from her as if holding a used tissue. Glancing up, she caught her reflection in the mirror, and almost screamed again, still not used to seeing her eyes covered in liner, mascara and pink shadow, and her lips covered in hot-pink lipstick.
"ARE YOU DOOONE YET!" sounded Tiffany's voice from outside the door. "I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU! YOU'LL LOOK SOOOO SEXY!"
Hermione looked down at the outfit and thought 'Well, what's the worse that can happen? Who knows? Maybe it will look better than I think it will... maybe.' She could hear Tiffany bouncing on the other side of the door, excited to see her creation.
Hermione squeezed into the impossibly tight clothing which clung to her body like nothing she had ever put on before. She opened the door and screamed because Tiffany's face was mere inches from the door; the first thing Hermione saw was her beady little eyes staring at her. Hermione's scream, however, was drowned out by Tiffany's scream. Tiffany hadn't screamed out of fright, though. She had screamed out of happiness. She never could have DREAMED that Hermione would have turned out that good!
"OH THAT'S SOOOO SEXY! GO ON! GIVE US A TURN!" Hermione reluctantly turned around.
"Um... don't you think it's a bit tight?" Hermione wondered out loud.
"TIGHT!" Tiffany yelled in disgust. "It's not tight enough! But, it'll have to do. Wow, Mione, I don't think you quite understand how amazing you look. I would say, that you've even got more pink on than me." And then she added in a singsong voice "I am one jealous American cousin!"
She looked down and screamed. "AHHH! BUT THOSE SHOES! WHY WOULD YOU WEAR THOSE!" Hermione was wearing what were very trendy shoes. All the girls were wearing them and in Hermione's opinion, they were the only part of the outfit that worked. "Oh, we will have to do something about those!" She said 'those' as if she was swearing.
Tiffany skipped to her closet and was gone for only a second when she came running back out, scaring Hermione, yet again with the look on her face. She was carrying a pair of bright pink stripper high heels. They were the most disgusting pair of shoes that Hermione had ever seen and she would surely break a leg in them but she tried them on anyway, afraid of what her cousin would do to her if she didn't.
"OH MY GOD YAY!" Tiffany shrieked, jumping up and down and clapping with glee as she eyed Hermione. Hermione tried to smile, but it ended up looking like a pained grimace.
"Okay, I'm totally going to change," Tiffany said, looking at her reflection in the large mirror on the wall. "And then we're going out! Yay!"
Prancing over towards her closet once again, the blond fished through the clothes before pulling out a bubble-gum pink halter-top and a white skirt that looked like it was even shorter than the one Hermione had squeezed into. As Tiffany trotted into the bathroom to change, Hermione took the moment to snoop a bit through her cousin's room.
Tiffany's wand sat atop a pink dresser in the corner and Hermione picked it up out of curiosity. She gave it a small flick, and screamed as a giant pink heart flew out of it. It hovered for a moment, nothing exciting happening, when Tiffany's face showed up. Hermione looked at the floating face and grimaced. She was about to put the wand down when Tiffany's face started talking.
"Hey, this is Tiffany. I like moonlight walks on the beach and strolling down memory lane with old friends. My favorite color is pink and I like kitties. I have never had a boyfriend and I can't imagine why… I'm very easy to get along with and I love clubbing!" Hermione was very confused at this point and her face was contorted in a position she didn't even know she could do. Still, the Tiffany head went on. "I wish they had pink kitties because I would SO TOTALLY buy one, especially if-"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hermione jumped out of her skin as a giant mass jumped out of the bathroom, screaming at the top of her lungs. It was Tiffany, and she did not look happy. She lunged across the bed and snatched the wand out of Hermione's hands. She whispered something to it and smacked Hermione as hard as she could with the end of the wand.
"WHAT!" Hermione said. "I didn't mean to do that! I just picked it up. It started playing that on its own!"
"DIDN'T YOU NOTICE THE COLORING OF THIS WAND!" Now that she mentioned it, Hermione began to notice that the wand was not the normal, natural wood coloring. It was pink, and red, with hearts colored all around it.
"Why does your wand look like that?" She asked.
"BECAUSE IT'S NOT MY WAND! Don't you know anything! I was putting the finishing touches on it before sending it in!"
"Sending it in? Sending it in where?"
"TO OF All Hermione could think about was how crazy she was going to go if she had to spend all summer with Tiffany. She had forgotten how insane her cousin was. It's a wizard's only dating site! You send in a wand with your resume on it and they send it right back out to the witch or wizard of your dreams!" She said this as if it was common knowledge. Hermione thought she was going to gag as Tiffany shoved a brochure under her nose. She looked down at the brightly colored paper with the slogan 'Making Witches and Wizards happy since 400 BC.'
"I've never heard of this before," Hermione commented, flipping through the pictures of wizards and witches looking happy together.
"Where have you BEEN?" Tiffany scoffed. Her face suddenly brightened, her random change of mood a bit creepy. "WE SHOULD TOTALLY SIGN YOU UP!"
"Wait, wait, no, that's fine." Hermione's pleas landed on deaf ears as Tiffany rushed over to her laptop. "I'm really not interested…"
"Oh riiiight," Tiffany said, in a hushed voice, turning to look at Hermione as her eyes widened in realization. "I read those articles in Witch Weekly, about you and Harry Potter."
Hermione furrowed her eyebrows. "Those were just a bunch of rubbish, don't believe a word of them Tiffany."
Tiffany nodded, though the look on her face said that she didn't believe her. "Right, well, we'll sign you up later. Now it's clubbing time!" Hopping to her feet, Tiffany pranced towards the door, grabbing Hermione's arm as she passed. "This is going to be so much fun!"
To be continued…