Ok, here we go. Another Dark Comedy. At last!!
Dark Comedy- Dear Mother
It was a lovely day at Kazarov Stonehenge. Well, actually it wasn't. The dark and gloomy atmosphere was really starting to get to everyone. Galen Agaris had already killed himself from depression, but no one really cared.
"It is waaay too boring around here." Monica complained loudly.
"Yeah, but it has its good points." Elaine replied. She held out a glass and allowed Gigantor Paznos to refill it with champagne.
Just then, Osmond came by, brandishing an envelope.
"Hi everybody!" he mumbled from behind his scarf. No one took any notice but he continued.
"I've got something that'll make you really happy. Guess what it is."
"A big hunkey man." Monica muttered as she looked at her pinup of Gaspard.
"No, I've got Max's letter to Elaine!!"
"Firstly, it's Elena, and don't forget it." the priestess flourished her feather duster in the midget's direction. "Secondly, are you telling me it's taken you a hundred years to deliver one letter?"
"Yep. That's about right for second class post."
"Well let's begin reading it." Elaine opened up the envelope. As soon as she did, they were confronted by a pre-opening sequence of Monica fighting 4 Griffin soldiers.
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"Hey ugly! Come and get it!" Monica screamed in psychopathic fury.
"Ugly!?" asked an aghast Griffin soldier. "I'll have you know that I am well known for being a lady's man."
"Yeah, that 'cos he works in the dark a lot." said another soldier. The two quickly started fighting till a third one stepped between them.
"Regulations clearly state no inter army fighting without permission. We are required to follow orders specifically and kill everyone in the building."
"However," the fourth butted in "the orders can be interpreted as 'We must win against these people'. We should be looking for a more respectable means of defeating them."
"I don't care about that. He stole my girlfriend!" the second pointed at the first. The first sneered and said "I didn't steal. She came willingly."
"Only because she was drunk." Second fired back.
"We are required not to argue!" demanded third.
"Exactly!" said fourth. "What is the need for all this conflict? All we need do is come up with a successful political argument and we shall meet no resistance."
"No one can resist me!" first announced.
"Look, let's just kill the girl so that I can settle the score with him." second complained.
"Kill is such a nasty word." fourth said.
"JUST KILL HER!!" said third.
Finally they all turned on Monica. But she was gone.
"She shoved off!" said third.
"The correct word is departed." said fourth.
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Then the sequence ended.
"Well that was a bit weird" said Monica through a mouthful of pop corn.
"Yeah, and now we know how you managed to beat those bad guys on your own." Elaine said scornfully. "Anyway, let's read this.'Dear Mother, how are you?' What, does he expect me to answer?"
"What I want to know is why your voice goes bold when you read that letter." Osborn mumbled.
"'It all started that night. Right, the night of the storm.' What's the storm got to do with anything? And besides which, what storm? This place is as dry a bone rapier."
"Hey, look at this bit." Monica exclaimed "It says here Max and his dad got into a fight."
"So?"
"Doesn't it make sense? Gerald owns loads of gun, has a really bad temper and always picks on Max. He's a child abuser."
There was a moment of very shocked silence.
"Monica, I really don't think that is the case." Osmond said.
"I know. I've met Gerald, remember? He's actually really spineless. I just said that to annoy Elaine. Here's what really happened that night."
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It was late evening, and Max and Gerald were sitting down to dinner.
"Is there anything else I can get you Max, my darling?" Adel said, practically falling over to try and please Max.
"Yo! Get me some Red Bull will ya!?" Max drawled as he put his feet on the table.
Adel scurried away, and Max shouted "Hey pa! What's ma got up to?"
"I can't tell you, and I've said so before, so STOP ASKING ME!!" Gerald replied.
"So, ya got somethin' te say, eh? Well I'm gonna get it outta ya, ya hear man?"
Max jumped up and ran out of the room to go get something to torture Gerald with.
"Shall I go after him sir?" the butler asked.
"Hmm, it'd be fun to see you being tortured instead. But no, just give Adel the key to his room. And make sure to record what happens."
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"I hate that girl. She was all over Max every minute we were there. All this 'Oh you're so brave; you're so strong; is it me or is it really hot in here?' and I'm like 'Actually, it is hot in here. Mount Gundor is a volcano.' but Max fell for it completely. Stupid girl"
"It says here you met firbits." Elaine said.
"His spell check is on the blink. He means furbies."
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M 'n'M walked though the knee deep bog towards the furbies.
"That was a good idea you had about beating that gay fish." Monica said. "Pouring acid in the swamp was great, until he dissolved and made the water pink."
"Yo my girl! You got that right. I ain't never seen pink water before. And I just found out fish stink real bad. Oh yeah!"
The pair of lunatics approached the furbies who had just woken up
"Whoooooa! Me big sleeeep! Cock-a-doodle-do!" they all yelled at once.
"Right; let's get them back to Sindain so we can force them to rebuilt the town which will in turn lead to us meeting Holly, resulting in-"
"Ah, what the heck; I'm coming right now."
The huge butterfly which should have appeared about five floors later started fluttering around their heads.
"Whaaaaaa!?" Max gaped. "I thought my ol' bitch mother killed that thang!?"
Naturally, Elaine appeared and began beating her son.
"Don't you dare call me that ever again you little maggot!" she screamed shrilly.
"Look out! Flutter attack!" Monica yelled.
"Uh oh." squeaked the furbies.
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"The whole thing was a lot quicker than people think." Monica said. "The whole 'adventure' was actually about as long as a lunch break."
"Surely it went on longer than that?"droned Osmond.
"Not at all, and don't called me Shirley."
"What about getting the miracle dumplings for Lin? That must have taken some time."
"Man, we just went to Subway. All that time travel stuff was a loud of rubbish."
"It says here Gaspard beat you." Elaine said.
"WHAT?! That lying little insect! I'll get him for that!"
"Well in that case why were you down in Mount Gundor for so long with Gaspard for so long?"
Monica went pale.
"Er; well I, I mean I was... look, does it matter why I was down there?!" she exclaimed.
Elaine raised an eyebrow and made a note in a file marked 'Potential blackmail'.
"This final battle with dark element goes on for several pages." Osmond said.
"What? What a loud of rubbish. I'll tell you what really happened.
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Dark Element rose up like a dark cloud from the moon person's body. Smoke gathered like a evil mist rising from some foul swamp. The body was completely formed out of the terrible gas, swirling and shifting like some mini cyclone.
Then someone turned on a fan.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Dark element died.
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"And that was that. I don't know what Max was taking but he screwed up that whole story."
"Perhaps he's hoping to sell it to some video game company?" Osmond suggested.
The only reply he got was disbelieving glares.
"Now it says 'Give my love to Monica.' I doubt it would be the same coming from me but..."
"Ha! That bum never loved me. He was just using me. I knew all along, that' why me and him never got together."
"Really?" Osmond mumbled in surprise. "I thought it was because you were (the following material has been censored by the SPG inc. suitable materials department)"
Osmond disappeared into a massive fireball.
A few seconds later Max's letter was added to the blaze.
"Thank goodness for that." she said.
"Whoooooa!" said a nearby furby "What a load of crap!"
The End?
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Well, that was kinda weird. But better than the last methinks. All copyright to other people so please review.