Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Nor do I own the Marriage Law Plot, though I take credit for this particular spin.

Summary: Why 'The New Marriage Law' is a stupid idea.

WHY MARRIAGE LAWS ARE STUPID

Why the Ministry of Magic thought that the personal relationships of the Wizarding World as a whole was any of their business was a complete mystery.

Why they were trying to pass a new law about it was, if possible, an even bigger mystery.

The majority of the adult Wizarding World population might be sheep, and the rest of them dead, still-recovering, or not-returned-from-fleeing from the war with Voldemort, but the younger generation had just finished a battle and a year of Ministry-Sanctioned Hell, and were not about to take this lying down.

Some things transcended House Barriers, and this was one of them. That was why half of the school, and even some of the recent graduates, were crowded into the Great Hall, Firewhisky disguised as Butterbeer being passed around by those legal to drink, all resolved to at least try to do something about the new Marriage Law.

Hermione Granger, the logical choice, was heading the meeting. "Right, let's look at this one point at a time. 'The decline of the Magical Population after the recent war'."

Natasja Rose, a half-blood Slytherin Seventh-Year, muttered something rude. "It would have been nice if they'd thought of that before trying to wipe out half of the population in the first place!"

Her cousin Vanessa, a recently-graduated Ravenclaw, agreed. "The Second World War, when Grindelwald was trying to take over, ended with an even bigger Death Toll and near-genocide, and no one was shrieking about mandatory marriages then! Besides, I thought we were past getting married at sixteen just to pop out a few sprogs!"

Angelina Johnson enthusiastically backed this up. "Yeah! Are they even considering the kind of havoc this would play on a witch's career? What about those of us who don't want, or aren't ready for, kids?"

Millicent Bulstrode, whose mother was a healer, added her tuppence. "What about those couples who can't have kids? Sometimes it isn't a question of wanting, it just doesn't happen."

Dennis Creevy, a Muggle-Born, raised a tentative hand. "If they're worried about rebuilding the population, why am I being paired with Blaise Zabini? Is there some kind of weird Wizarding biology difference that I don't know about? Last I checked, men can't have babies."

The wizard in question was busy looking over the decree, along with a few other politically inclined students, and was paying minimal attention to the discussion. "Difference in gender numbers, I suppose." What the younger boy actually said finally registered. "Wait, what!"

Hermione stifled an absurd, totally inappropriate giggle. "Next point. 'Carefully chosen based on being compatible in Magical Talent and Personality.'"

It was Ginny Weasley's turn to speak up from where she, Lavender Brown, and the Patil Twins were reviewing the list of matches. "If that's the case, why are you being paired with Goyle? For that matter, who thought that me and Malfoy would be a good idea?"

The Malfoy Heir's half-shriek of protest was ignored, while everyone tried to figure out the logic, or compatibility issues, of the Gryffindor Brainiac being paired with a wizard about as intelligent as someone's pet rock, or Draco Malfoy with a 'Blood-Traitor' who happened to be his polar opposite. Goyle's sole talent had always been stating the blindingly obvious. "I'm marrying a mudblood?"

Rose Zellwenger cut in, "Oh, belt up, Goyle. Didn't we just finish a war based on Blood 'Purity'? Now they're trying to force unions between people who were probably on opposite sides? Don't any of them see even half the problems with that?"

Orla Quirke agreed. "Catastrophe looking for a place to happen, you mean. Half of these marriages won't last a minute past one partner figuring out how to make it look like an accident."

Natasja re-joined the conversation. "If they try to make me dump my Muggle boyfriend, much less marry a Dark Lord sympathiser, I'll be a widow and out of the country as soon as there are no witnesses."

This also brought up another problem. "What about those of us who already have partners, but just haven't tied the knot yet?"

Natasja's Hufflepuff twin, Sarah, joined the discussion. "Then you'd better get to the alter, fast. Ah, does anyone know who Ian Wilson is?"

Natalie MacDonald, Gryffindor fifth-year, spoke up. "I think he works for the Ministry in my Dad's department. Senior Vice-Head or something."

Sarah's voice was deadly quiet. "I see. Is there a reason I'm being forced to marry someone old enough to be my father? Or possibly Grandfather?"

There was an uncomfortable silence, broken by the doors of the Great Hall opening , to reveal a man with the puffed-up air of a Ministry Official who was far less important than he acted (and knew it), and several Lackeys. The official tried to look intimidating as he looked around the jam-packed room. "I have received word that you are all refusing to obey the Ministry and marry the partners selected for you."

Natalie MacDonald glared. "That's right. I'll marry when, where and who I choose, and no jumped-up idiot can make me do otherwise!"

The Ministry Official waved a dismissive hand. "Nonsense, Miss MacDonald. I'm sure that you and Professor Snape will be perfectly happy together."

There was a deathly silence as everyone tried to either re-start their brains, or work through the logistics and plausibility of Obliviate-ing themselves after the last piece of information.

All lackeys tended to have a good sense of when it was best to not be around, and were inching toward the door in what they probably hoped was an inconspicuous manner. They, at least, had the brainpower to note the hard looks aimed at them, recall that every single one of them had access to a wand, and realize that the slope of an erupting volcano was probably a safer place to be than the Hogwarts Great Hall. The Ministry Official was not so enlightened, and only waited a few moments before trying to force the issue. "As you are all conveniently in one place, I must insist that we travel directly to the Ministry of Magic. The Legal sub-section of the Department of Records will be happy to perform a mass ceremony for all of you."

The Lackeys broke and ran for it, barely missing a hail of spellfire as the Ministry Official was 'forcefully ejected' straight into the Whomping Willow. With the Light of Righteous Fury in her eyes, Hermione turned to face her fellow students. "That's enough. We've tried talking, but they clearly aren't listening. If the adults can't be trusted to act in our best interest, then we'll just have to do it ourselves."

Orla looked sceptical. "How? We might have common sense on our side, but the Ministry has the DMLE, filled with Qualified Aurors on theirs! We can't change things if we're in St. Mungo's or dead from taking on quality fighters!"

Natasja shelved her Slytherin Sensibilities and leapt onto the table, pretending not to notice Sarah casting a spell to make her robes and hair stream in an invisible wind. "The Ministry has Aurors… and a bunch of pencil-pushers who I wouldn't count on for a piss-up in a brewery, and will probably just try to hide under their desks! It might be Quality versus Quantity, but Quantity has its own Quality! Down with the Marriage Laws!"

The cheer that went up threatened to bring down the castle.

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A/N: OK, so I found all of the stupid reasons for a Ministry 'Marriage Law', many of them thinly-veiled excuses to pair up OTPs that would otherwise never happen, and tried to refute them. Let me know how I did, please.

Thanks, Nat