I leaned over the railing and looked down to the ground. It wasn't that far. Well, it was actually but I doubted that I would be able to tell. I had dived a lot on a broom and realized that the fall wasn't the scare. It was the impact. This one would hurt but I doubted for long. The longer the fall, the most likely I would face demise on impact. Lucky for me, the astronomy tower was high.
Very high.
I sighed and looked up to the stars. They were slightly blurry from my foggy vision. Night after night of no sleep made my eyes bleary. I looked back down to the ground. It looked normal as any ground would from this far up. Still, I felt a creeping dread and the ground looked slightly tougher, slightly harder, from up here. It was like a death sentence.
I never felt so relieved before. I closed my eyes and took a calming breath, accepting my choice. I fingered my wand, trying to commit it to memory. It was the only constant in my life that I could rely on. I was going to put it down. If I did, I was going jump. Or fall as I'd like to think. I just had to put down my wand.
I opened my eyes and stepped back. I leaned down and sat it carefully on the floor, giving a rueful laugh. It was sad that the only thing I would want to have as I fell was the one thing I'd have to depart from. If I had the wand it would be so easy to cast a spell to soften the ground or to slow my descent. No, I had to leave it.
I swallowed and walked back over to the railing. My hands started shaking and my stomach twisted as I gripped the railing. The simplicity of just stepping over and falling hit me hard. It was such a simple action, one that anyone could do, one that many before have probably done. I stopped and gripped the railing, trying to control my breathing.
"Come on Draco, don't be a coward." I hissed to myself..
And then, I gave a soft laugh at the irony. I was trying to tell myself to not be a coward so I could commit a cowardly act. To take one's life was very cowardly or at least it was in my situation. I was going to fall, to hit hard just to escape this world. To escape my appointed mission. One that I couldn't do.
I was a failure. I knew that. I was failing in everything these days. The one thing that I couldn't fail in was the one thing I wanted to. I didn't want to kill Dumbledore. I knew I could, what with the cabinet I had finally found. I nearly had it fixed. I could do it but there was the actual killing that I'd have to do. That I knew I couldn't do.
I kicked one leg over the railing and allowed my other to swing over. I gave a shaky breath as my feet hit the other side. My hands clung to the bars and the muscles in my arms tensed. Every survival instinct in my body screamed that I was a bloody idiot and to climb right back over and get as far away as possible. I ignored it and looked down at the ground and felt my head get dizzy. I could let go. It'd be so simple.
I leaned back and focused on my heartbeat, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. I allowed my grip to relax and thought hard about why I was doing this. My father would be ashamed but he wouldn't care, not really. My mum would be okay, getting a lot of sympathy. I wouldn't have to be the one assigned to killing Dumbledore. My death would prolong his life and maybe, just maybe, that would help to defeating the dark lord. Something, I actually hoped for.
I couldn't understand why father followed him. If he one this blasted war, there would be no victory for us. Our money would be for the dark lord to control. Our name would be tainted as we kissed his robes. There was no power in the end for us. The dark lord wouldn't share. We would be forced to a life of pain and shame. It wasn't something I wanted to be apart of which was strange because I had always been loyal to my family. It was odd now that I didn't want to be.
The world was an ugly place, one that I was ready to leave. With that thought, I relaxed fully. I didn't feel scared anymore and in fact I was ready to jump. I smiled slightly and opened my eyes, looking out to the stars with surprising clarity. They were beautiful, really. I leaned forward, ready to let go, and then...the door slammed open and someone gasped.
"Malfoy!"
I almost fell due to my start of surprise. But, no, I wasn't going to do that. I was going to fall at my own accord. I sighed and leaned back, calming my startled heart. I slowly, with neat precision, turned around. It was with a delicate touch that I gripped the railing. I sighed heavily and looked at the intruder. Oh, perfect.
"Potter."
I said the word in such a monotonous voice that even Potter was taken aback. Was I really that tired of life that I couldn't manage a bite in my tone? Potter looked at me in deep alarm and his eyes drifted to take in surrounding. His eyes landed on my wand and he panicked. I could see that he realized exactly what I was doing as soon as he saw that wand.
"Malfoy... What a-are you doing?" Potter asked cautiously. I found the question was a bit needless with an actual answer.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" I replied quietly, subdued. Potter licked his lips and his eyes focused on me in a pleading fashion.
"Malfoy, you don't have to do this. Whatever it is..." He started and I leaned back. I threw my head back and laughed into the night. My laugh sounded a bit unhinged even to me. Potter sucked in a sharp breath and I leaned forward again. His eyes were flashing and he had stepped forward.
"You're going to try and talk me out of suicide, Potter? You?" I asked incredulously. Potter flinched.
"If I must. What are you doing? Are you really..." Potter trailed off. I let one hand let go of the railing and allowed it to reach backwards into the air behind me.
"Going to fall? Yes." I whispered. Potter gulped and put his hands up as if in surrender.
"Malfoy, stop. Just... Climb back over." Potter begged. I looked at him blankly and let my hand dangle mockingly.
"I think not, Potter. I'm a Malfoy and a Malfoy always goes through with their plans." I said and my voice cracked. Potter huffed.
"That's not a good reason. So, you plan to die and then you just have to go through it? What if you change your mind?" Potter asked hotly. I fixed him with a cold glare.
"I haven't." I retorted. Potter flinched again as I leaned back again. One hand anchored me to this world.
"Why not? Why are you doing this!?" Potter asked almost hysterically and he inched closer. I drew back up and placed my hand back on the bar. Potter looked only slightly relieved.
"I don't want to live anymore." I said simply. Potter suddenly looked furious. His eyes flashed and his eyes looked like green flames and he flushed rather attractively. He leaned forward angrily.
"And, you think I do? You think I don't have many things to fall for? I just lost the only loving parenting figure I would ever have. Gone and it was my fault. Everyone around me just dies and it's my fault. You think that I don't want to just escape too? I can't though and you shouldn't be able to! You have a family!" Potter hissed.
"You wouldn't get it. You have so much more than you think, Potter. To put it simply, I would give you my parents. You have no idea what it's like." I replied quietly. Potter blinked and leaned back.
"Tell me?" Potter asked.
"I have a job. One that I can't do. One that I don't want to do. I don't want to be here anymore." I said. Potter sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"Then don't do it. You have a choice. In this war..." Potter started and I cut him off.
"I don't want to be in this war! I don't have a choice!" I screamed. Potter recoiled and his eyes grew wide.
"Okay, look, I know what it's like. I have this job too. I doubt I could do it either and quite frankly, I don't want to. I have nothing here to stay for, not really. But then again, there are the little things. The little things are worth it, Malfoy." Potter whispered.
"I have no little things. I don't have a version of Granger or Weasley. I am on the bad side or have you forgotten? It'd be best for me to just...snuff it. To just... Fall." I murmured.
"You have a choice, M-Draco. You don't have to be on the bad side. In no way would it be better if you fall." Potter replied, walking forward.
I bowed my head, hating how promising his words were. Potter and I were enemies and yet, he made me feel safe. He really was a savior. But, unfortunately for him, it was too late to save me. I felt broken and it was sad how I didn't even fight the tears as they poured down my cheeks. It was sad how Potter's presence comforted me.
"I am a coward." I whispered and lifted my head. Potter shook his head venomously in denial.
"No." He denied immediately.
"I won't do it, Potter. I won't kill Dumbledore. That's my mission." I whispered. Potter recoiled and his breath hitched. I nodded slowly.
"That's not cowardice. That's just the right thing." Potter murmured, gathering himself and walking even closer.
"And yet, I'm a coward. Don't deny it. I'm falling so I don't have to fave this." I breathed out.
"Dumbledore can help you." Potter offered. I gave a hollow chuckle.
"No one can. I have to help myself." I said. Potter was almost to the railing now. His eyes were piercing into mine and I waited. He stepped close until his hands hovered over mine. Slowly, he brought them down to rest on mine.
"I can help you. Don't fall, Draco." Potter whispered. He stepped closer until he was leaning against the railing too. His face was mere centimeters from mine and still moving forward. What was he doing? Oh.
Oh. He was kissing me. Why was he doing that? I wasn't sure but my tears stopped and dried almost instantaneously. He wasn't a great kisser at all and sort of awkward. But, it felt good and I felt my chest loosen somewhat. And then, he got the hang of it and he was a good kisser. His hands clasped mine tightly and I sighed against his lip. He pulled back, taking a deep breath and blinking rapidly in surprise.
"Why'd you do that?" I asked almost grumpily. Potter gave me a small strained smile.
"It's the little things, Draco." He murmured. I pulled my hands out from under his. I grabbed his forearms and gave him a rare smile.
"Thank you, Harry Potter. For everything."
And then, I let him go and leaned back. His face morphed into horror and I was still smiling as I fell. I saw him try and grab me but I had pushed him slightly. He didn't catch me before I fell. I watched as he leaned over the railing, watching me and calling my name.
I fell.
Fell.
Fell.
I was right. The falling wasn't scary. It was the impact. But, I didn't see it because I was too busy staring up at Potter. He had given me something before I fell and I was thankful. I heard him scream again but it was drowned out by a rather sickening thud, followed closely by a crack. Potter disappeared.
Sirius Black was what I saw next. He had his arms crossed and looked rather regal. I was standing and wearing all white which was odd. I hated white. Sirius Black looked at me oddly. I looked back. I was confused because why was I meeting him. I was dead right. Right!?
"You kissed my godson." Sirius said gruffly. I blinked. The only male I had kissed was one Harry Potter.
"Technically, he kissed me." I retorted. Sirius arched an eyebrow.
"And then, you fell. After he asked you not to." Sirius said with a frown. I sighed.
"He'll be okay." I said.
"Maybe but then again, maybe not. He's seen too much death lately. It's hurting him." Sirius muttered. I blinked.
"You're the parenting figure he recently lost, yes?" I asked. Sirius nodded and sighed sadly.
"I'm sorry." I told him.
"Why'd you apologize?" Sirius asked.
"Because I willingly left a world you probably wish to go back to. I threw away something with Potter when you wish you could go back to Potter." I stated simply.
"Why'd you do it?" Sirius asked in a croak, eyes pained.
"Because I'm a coward." I answered.
"I agree but then again, I can understand. Well, come on. I'm sure Prongs will love to hear of the boy his son kissed." Sirius said and threw his arm over my shoulder. I blinked but allowed it.
"What's a prongs?"
Harry Potter sat numbly in a heap on the floor. People were crowded at the window, watching like eager vultures. The body was being removed. Harry couldn't watch, didn't need to. He had started down at the mangled body in shock for nearly an hour.
The death had been instantaneous on impact. They say Draco Malfoy hadn't felt a thing. They say that he had felt everything. They weren't sure what they wanted to believe. Harry knew better than all of them though. The fall had been perfect, exactly as Draco had wanted it. He hadn't felt a thing and Harry knew it. He had watched the life snuff out upon impact, after all.
Harry had spoken to Dumbledore, telling him everything. Even the kiss. Dumbledore had knew of Draco's struggles. This bothered Harry but apparently, Dumbledore had been making a plan. A plan that involved a now dead Professor Snape. They found him dead with burnt crossed lines in his skin from a vow. A vow that had been broken.
Harry hadn't said a word to his friends. He didn't tell them a thing about what happened no matter how much they asked. He cried and they awkwardly wondered why. They didn't understand how guilty he felt. If only, he had held him closer. If only, he had talked more. If only, if only... It didn't matter now because Draco Malfoy was dead. And... It was his fault.
Falling suddenly didn't sound at all like a bad thing.