Author's note: This fic is the product of too much exercising followed by insomnia. So now you know what my brain gets up to at 5am, aside from feeling the urge to do laundry.
It was no secret that Steve Rogers did not know how to operate a computer. Yes, it was true that Steve had been born during the 1920's, and therefore should have been around during the creation and overpopulation of mankind's most treasured – if not morally questionable – invention. However, his extended cryogenic siesta that began in 1945 deprived him of the pleasure of seeing the first completed computer unveiled in 1946.
While Captain America was praised and adored for his magnificent power and fighting prowess, he was secretly ridiculed and disliked for his attitude around computers. As soon as the cowl and costume came off, the almighty Captain America became Steve Rogers – that idiot who accidentally downloads advertising banners and fucks up the settings on Google Chrome. In fact, if asked about Google Chrome, Steve Rogers would naively respond, "Is that a new chrome polisher for the car?"
Steve's most recent inflammatory week in the Avengers Mansion began something like this.
Monday – Randomly click on any website that comes up in a Google search. Computer gets stuck on a suspicious site overloaded with viruses and Trojan horses. Must reboot.
Tuesday – Get suckered into clicking on one of those Click here to claim your prize pop-ups. Multiple pop-ups follow, choking the screen up in mayhem. Computer crashes.
Wednesday – Take Tony's advice on opening additional tabs on Google Chrome. Keep pressing Command + T until the boxes are too small to find the X button to close. Next user finds 100+ open tabs with the query 'How do I know how many photos I can save on my computer?' which has been answered with another question, 'How large is your hard drive?', to which Steve has typed in, 'I don't know. Should I ask Tony or call the manufacturer?''
Thursday – Anything and everything can be bought on the Internet. Jessica recommends eBay because it's where everyone shops nowadays. Screw shopping malls! Steve finds a beautiful antique motorcycle for a starting price of one penny! Thinking that he has just won the lottery, Steve clicks BUY IT NOW because isn't that the same button on Amazon, and aren't all sites owned by the same dictator? Sadly, the Buy It Now price of $45,000 US is tragically higher than the one penny that the starting bid was asking for. Last user – Peter Parker – gets screwed because he forgot to sign out of eBay the night before.
Friday – It's Friday. The end of the work week, for most people anyway, and Steve is looking to unwind. Literally. He has a sore neck and stiff shoulders from being body checked by Thor and thrown into the side of a freight truck from half a mile away by Bruce Banner – aka the Hulk. He needs advice on muscle massages and relaxing oils. Next user cancels the screensaver to find half the programs on the computer open, which does nothing to hide all the porno sites that came up in response to the query massage.
Saturday – No one can get the computer to respond. It takes a few hours for anyone to figure out that Steve has unplugged it. Why? Because he didn't know how to get rid of the spinning-beach-ball-of-death. And no, it doesn't make any difference if Steve uses the Sony VAIO instead. He has the same reaction to the blue-screen-of-death.
Sunday – Steve is slightly religious so he doesn't use the computer on Sundays. Thank God!
And now, it was back to Monday and Steve's cohabitants of the Avengers Mansion were watching the communal iMac in the study/library with anxious dread. Why? Because Steve had overheard Wolverine bragging about how he had downloaded the entire Invasion series starring William Fichtner – nobody knew who the hell that was – on a torrent site, and was keen on trying out the feature himself. Nothing could be riskier for a defenseless computer than a computer novice trying to download pirated American TV shows.
Ignoring the dramatic intake of breath Jessica took from a neighboring bookshelf, Steve made himself comfortable in front of the iMac, cracked his knuckles, and began to type.
How do I legally download illegally uploaded movies on a torrent site?
"Steve, what the hell are you doing?"
Steve glanced over his shoulder to find Tony loitering behind him and piteously frowning at the computer. Behind Tony, Thor stood menacingly with his hands on his hips and his eyebrows narrowed in a contemptuous glare. "I'm brushing up on my torrent skills," Steve said matter-of-factly, wondering what the deal with Thor was.
"Yeah, well maybe you ought to brush up on them after someone tells you what a torrent is," Tony suggested, nervously signaling for Thor to back off.
"I know what a torrent is, Tony," Steve said in exasperation. "Logan explained it to me. It's a non-profit organization dedicated to the free release of overpriced video content."
"I told you he doesn't know what the Zeus he's doing," Thor bellowed, choosing not to use the F word that so frequently echoed off of the mansion walls nowadays.
"Would you just chill out for a minute and let me handle this?" Tony tried to calm Thor down with the pacifying gesture he made with his hands, only to be skewered by the thunder god's furious glare.
"I will not be told to chill out. Not by you, and not by this computer-illiterate illegal shutdown waiting to happen. He is your lover and therefore your responsibility, Tony Stark. So either you convince him to vacate his seat, or I will have him forcibly removed from it."
"Okay, okay," Tony relented, waving his hands for Thor to ease up on the self-inflicted stomach ulcers. "Steve, would you mind leaving the computer and coming with me before Thor costs me a couple months of operating expenses in damages?"
Not wanting to cause Tony any problems, Steve gave up his seat to Thor, but not before shooting off an insult of his own. "Nobody likes a troll, Thor."
Thor rolled his eyes and sat down to begin ordering a shipment of mead kegs. "Tony, while you're at it, kindly explain to Steve what a troll is. But before you do that, you might want to consider explaining the importance of anti-virus software and why it is never to be dragged into the trash bin and then emptied."
"Will do." Tony led his irritated lover down the hall and back to their bedroom. As soon as he shut the door, he sighed heavily and turned to face Steve. "Look, I know that you think you're adjusting to the world of technology at a healthy pace, but the truth of the matter is that you're much worse with computers now than when you started to use them a few months ago. You've broken two iMacs, infected a Sony with a virus so lethal that the Pentagon wouldn't be able to remove it, and seriously crippled our only remaining Toshiba laptop. I'm sorry, Steve, but it's got to stop."
"Are you banning me from the computer?" Steve asked in a combined tone of incredulity and hurt.
"You're not going to need to use that computer anymore because I got you your very own iMac." Tony indicated the unopened box in the middle of the floor. "You keep breaking the iMacs so I figured that you must really like them. Or have some kind of love / hate relationship with them."
"My own computer," Steve repeated in delighted shock. "That's swell!" Usually he would go out of his way to politely refuse whatever lavish present Tony was willing to drop in his lap, but not this time. So what if no one else approved of his computer habits! There was no greater fun than surfing the net and he refused to give it up for anyone. Steve latched onto Tony's arms, dragged him across the span of space between them, and overwhelmed him with a breathtakingly passionate kiss. "I really love you, Tony. More and more every day."
Tony grinned, relishing Steve's boyish excitement over the very necessary early Christmas present. "There's just one catch," Tony said impishly.
"What's that?" Steve crushed Tony to him in a possessive embrace.
"You have to set it up by yourself."
"F-!" And so Steve continued the tradition of filling the mansion with its daily dose of expletives.