Cross Post from AO3.

000

She'd been staring at the stick for what felt like hours now, the two lines not moving from their original place that they had appeared only minutes before. It was really happening, it was no longer just a thought that gnawed at the back her mind telling her over and over again those little words. The stick that now felt like an anvil in her hand told her the truth, getting up from the side of the bathtub and walking to the bin, she dropped it in, not bearing to hold it anymore feeling like it might break the strong mask she had forged within the couple of minutes she's spent in the bathroom.

She could hear Emily thanking her for letting her stay there the night and, oh god, she's going to have to tell her about this. Emily knows her inside and out, she knew her better than anyone had ever known her, even her own mother, ever since their night that they spent together Alison couldn't hold the walls that fenced the brunette out from knowing her feelings. She needed a shoulder to rest on tonight, and Emily is the only one she trusts.

"-give them some alone time." Alison glanced a quick look to Emily going through her drawer, she knew that the brunette would find the pineapple pj's that once belonged to her all those years ago. When she and Elliot (she'd preserved the good times that they both had when first moving in together, not letting his actual identity into her memories) were going through old boxes and he had pulled out the navy blue clothing, Alison's breath hitched as she remembered who once had worn them. The blonde had lied to her husband and said they were hers and that although they no longer fit she wanted to keep the set anyway, adding to the lie and saying that her mother gave them to her.

"I can't shake the feeling that Hanna's not telling us the truth." She grabbed a few throw pillows from the bed, she hated the colour of them had wanted to change the sleeves ever since she'd gotten back from Welby. Hell, she'd wanted to change a lot of this house, everywhere she looked reminded her of her husband. He had re-painted the house when Ali told him that she couldn't bear to sleep in the room when it had reminded her so much of her own mother. She had once loved everything about it, and now it seemed to leave a bad taste in her mouth. Although that might have been just the vomiting from that morning.

"I'm pregnant."

There's a pause, and maybe the words have shocked Emily as much as they did Alison. She didn't expect them to actually leave her mouth, and then they had. When she had held the stick telling her that she was pregnant, it didn't feel real it felt like some sick game A.D was playing, or very possibly her eyes playing a trick on her. She was still recovering from Welby, and her time spent in there was a blur of so many mismatched memories, she still didn't know what was real and what she had made up in her delirious state of mind that Archer had put it her. But she couldn't deny it any longer, now she's said it, out loud, it's real.

"What?"

"I'm pregnant," and as Alison turned around to face the brunette, she noted that she had been right Emily stood there with navy blue pj's held against her stomach and slight shocked expression on her face. Should she continue? God, she really should've thought this whole thing out before letting the words spew out of her mouth.

"I just-" She motions to the bathroom, sure that Emily would understand her point, "in there."

Emily offers a tiny shake of her head as her mouth falls open and closed before she finally speaks, "Are you sure?"

"There's two lines on the stick," Alison would know she'd stared at those lines forever, willing one of them to just fade away, and it seemed like now would be a good time for more honesty, "I was waiting for one to disappear, but it didn't."

Emily doesn't respond her eyes flittered to different parts of the room behind Alison, avoiding eye contact as they did. Alison noted that she gripped the pj's a little tighter against her, and as the blonde stared into her all she wanted to do was walk over and fall into her arms, and be rescued. To let her guard down and just cry about everything that was happening, a thought crossed Alison's mind as the brunette finally made eye contact with her, with pupils so dark that she could've gotten lost in them for hours. If she started crying, she might not actually stop.

Just like that the carefully placed mask seemed to crack, and a tear streamed from her eye, she wiped it as quick as she could but the brunette had already noticed. Emily walked over to her, leaving the navy pj's on the bed as she took Alison's seemingly fragile hand within her own and lead her to the ottoman at the end of the bed.

They had been sitting in silence for a while now, no one quite sure who should make the first move to talk. Anytime that Alison had raised her head and looked at Emily, she had seen a face full of compassion and concern for the blonde. Unsure of how to receive that amount of love that she'd never been given before, she would quickly duck her head down and go back to toying at her nails, biting back tears that threatened to spill from behind their dam.

"At first, I thought I was just stressed, I'd been late before, but it was a false alarm." Alison remembered the day back in Cape May where she had confided in Cece, which had been her only other pregnancy scare. A pang of pain ran through her as she remembered her sister, she probably would've loved this news and sprung at the chance of raising the baby with Alison. She'd gotten so much better within her last few months alive, and Alison had opened her heart fully not knowing that it would be damaged again so soon. She knew that the other girls didn't miss Charlotte, she didn't blame them they had gone through hell at the hands of her sister, but Alison could never come to hate her only family (Jason and her Dad had been gone for so long, they had started to feel like strangers, sending texts of well wishes every six months).

"Is it… Archer's?"

"Of course, who else would it be?" She didn't even believe the lie that fell from her mouth, so how could she possibly think Emily would? They hadn't been on their honeymoon long enough to unpack their bags let alone have sex, before Archer had pushed her down the stairs and she'd been taken to hospital. Alison caught how taken aback Emily was, as her mouth opened and closed (for the second time that night, and the blonde knew how much Emily hated not being able to find the right words to say) almost like she desperately wanted to catch the blonde in her lie. Alison hoped she would, so that she could have the incentive to talk about the fucked up theories running through her head right now.

"Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening. I thought we were careful." She fell so easily into the lie, almost like a welcoming hug from an old friend she hadn't seen in years, and the sentiment from years ago rang through her head again, lies are more interesting than the truth. Nothing felt interesting about this, she didn't get the rush of adrenaline through her veins like she had once before, instead she just felt horrible.

"It's going to be okay." Emily's voice rang out and Alison didn't think she could ever feel as guilty as she felt right now, fearing that she might lose the brunette when she told her the truth. Or, if she ever told her the truth.

Alison never had a definitive timeline for her life, hell she didn't know if she would survive her years on the run let alone get to a point in her life where she would have to worry about children and grading term papers. No, she didn't have a timeline, but she did have a frame that she had filled with two kids (in the best situation it would be two little girls, blonde hair and blue eyes as striking as their mother's) and her partner, someone who she had never been able to fabricate an image for within the photo, she tried to tell herself that she didn't know who her soul mate would be. Had she already met them? Every fibre in her being would like the say yes, because if she dug deep enough within herself she already knew the answer, could already put a face to the blurry one in her photo. It had always been the same person, and maybe the thing that tore her up the most about the photo was the lack of her own family in it the one that had raised her. The one that included her mother.

"It's not how I pictured starting a family." The words fell out of her in almost choked sobs, but she held most of it back, already feeling like she had been too vulnerable tonight.

The brunette shifted closer, being the ever-present voice of reason as the blonde crumbled beside her, "You don't have to make any decisions right now."

"I know. I just, I thought my mom would be here when this happened, to give me advice, not that she was very good at it. At least I wouldn't be alone."

"No, you're not alone." As Emily's hand curled around her own, she felt her resolve crack. The mask she had placed before walking out of the bathroom, shattered around her. "I'm here, okay, whatever you decide to do." Alison never doubted it, because of course she would be there, Emily had always been in every memory she could think of, supporting her fiercely no matter what even when she had toyed with her feelings.

It took everything inside of Alison not to kiss Emily in that moment, when everything was down, her walls, defences, masks, everything. Her emotions were at an all-time high, and it might be very possible that she'd never loved the woman in front of her more so than she did right now. Her loyalty was unshakeable, and Ali had needed someone like that for a long time, someone who wouldn't run when it all got too hard. Sure they had done some shitty things to her in the past, but she'd made them into those monsters, turned them into something unspeakable with a fine-toothed comb. She had deserved everything that came her way, and it was hard to convince herself that she deserved the love that they also had for her. The love that never wavered, even within all these years apart.

She tried hard to focus on the movie that played on the screen, tried to stop her thoughts from straying to the situation, she had tried to just enjoy being in such a close and intimate proximity to Emily. Although the constant nagging had eventually taken over, letting her fall back into a state of panic along with questions she thought she'd never get the answers to.

Her hand had moved of its own accord to caress her stomach, it had felt almost lovingly like she had accepted the situation with open arms, like she no longer felt dirty or unclean about how this all had come about. The thought still lingered, how her husband very possibly inseminated her without her consent. She'd basically been raped, and she had come so close to being in that situation only once before when she was on the run and it had terrified her, someone taking something from her without her wanting them too. A sob threatened to spill from her mouth, she swallowed it much like the bile that was forcing its way up her throat, the feeling of being filthy coming back again.

She didn't even catch the tear that had ran down her cheek.

"Hey." She turns to look at the brunette, as she feels cold fingers run over her face wiping away the tear that had sprung from the dam. "It's going to be okay."

And maybe it was the proximity, the intimacy of everything, or how vulnerable she had felt for the entire night, how safe she felt when she looked into Emily's eyes and saw nothing but love sent back to her. Maybe she needed someone that would love her a whole lot more than she loved herself right now, and so she kissed her. Alison had expected fireworks, had almost had them before Emily pulled away, and shifted on the couch as her face contorted to one of pure anguish.

"Ali." It almost tore her to shreds inside, she usually loved the way the nickname fell from the brunette's lips, but not right now, not when it was laced with such concern and sadness. "You're really vulnerable right now."

She was, she may have been the most vulnerable she's ever been, right now, in this moment, but Alison had wanted this for a long time. Had craved to be in the girl's arms, where nothing would ever hurt her again. Had wanted to fall asleep next to her, and wake up to her. She had, and still wants, all the simple things life gives you, and she's never wanted them more than with Emily. Especially now, when she's wading uncertain waters, and she feels like one tiny splash will send her under and she's afraid she might not surface without help.

"That's not why, I promise."

Alison can see the uncertainty on Emily's face, knows that she's still hurt over their night together all those years ago, how they had never spoken about it and she felt like her feelings had been played once again. And it might've been the blonde's second biggest regret of her entire life not telling Emily there and then that she had wanted more, had wanted it for a long time, but just never knew until that point how to say it. Alison still didn't know how to say it, didn't know how to tell Emily to never leave her without it sounding like a plea for help rather than a confession of love. And now she was afraid that the brunette would only stay because she's pregnant, that she'll feel obligated to help her through this.

The panic settles in her again, and the only way she knows how to shut it up is to kiss Emily, so she does. She kisses her like she's a lifeline that she's desperately trying to hold onto. She kisses her to tell her all the things that she could never say, and to apologize for all the things she's done. She kisses her, because Emily feels like home, and it's a feeling that she hasn't felt in five years, since that afternoon outside her house as she watched them all drive away, as she felt a piece of her heart rip from her chest and leave with Emily.

She felt a cold hand in her hair, felt a trembling thumb rake over her cheek once again but she didn't know if it was Emily or herself that was shaking it. Her right arm snaked its way around Emily's thigh and fell onto her hip, melting into the comfort that was the brunette in this moment. They broke apart briefly, their foreheads resting against the others, a content sigh slipped through Alison's lips as she made eye contact with Emily. She may have wanted this for years, but she had never know how much she needed this, until now.

"I'm sorry." Her voice is hoarse, not from disuse, but from the amount of emotion that had bottled up in her throat. She'd never been very good at verbalizing her feelings, had instead repressed a majority of them and hoped that they would go away.

"For what?"

"Everything."

The air seemed heavy all of a sudden, like it had become a thick cloud that would suffocate them. Emily had never broken eye contact with her, and she had caught the few tears that seemed to well in the brunette's eyes, never spilling over the edge, and for that Alison was glad. Emily had already cried over her enough to last a lifetime. Or two.

They never said anything, instead both closing the distance to kiss once again, trusting that they could confess everything they needed to through the contact. It deepened not long after, both of the girls completely ignoring the fact that the movie was now rolling credits, the light it had once created, now dimmed.

Emily curled her arms around Alison as best she could, pulling the blonde on top of her as she gracefully and carefully fell back onto the couch bringing the blonde with her. Cold fingers settled themselves in her hair again, tugging softly at certain points. Alison let her hands trail downwards, to play with the buttons of the brunette's top, popping one open and then another, before she felt two hands clasped around her wrists stopping her movements.

"Ali," they found each other's eyes once again, "Not tonight."

The dam burst, and the tears flowed out of her eyes freely. She had truly thought Emily would want to have sex, she had even wanted it for a quick moment. Alison was glad that the brunette stopped her, because it felt rushed, like it would be ignored like that night five years ago where Alison had repressed her feelings for the girl once the morning had rolled in. She cried because she was so glad to be with someone that wanted nothing from her, that was fine with just sleeping, that would stay up to comfort her for the entire night if need be.

Alison didn't even register that Emily had gently pushed her off of herself, placing the blonde in between the couch and her body, Alison's head resting comfortably in the crook of Emily's outstretched shoulder and arm. She felt content on resting here for the remainder of the night, feeling safe within Emily's warmth.

A hum escaped the brunette, and Alison shifted her head to get a better look at Emily smiling softly at her. Soon after a small smile appearing on her own face, breaking the worry and panic that had sat with her for the entire night. So it doesn't come as a shock to her when she moved forward and pressed her lips to Emily's for the third time that night, it doesn't shock her because she felt like a puzzle that you've been trying to solve forever and Emily felt like the final piece.

So she kisses her, because it feels like the piece of her heart that had left so long ago, finally made its way back to her. Back home.