Title: Where Angels Fear To Tread
Word Count: ca. 8,100
Prompt Number 5 from the 2016 HP Mental Health Fest on LiveJournal
Summary: The Malfoys have been living abroad for several years. Scorpius has been home-schooled, but now they are back in the UK and he's starting Hogwarts in his 6th year. Between his sorting and learning to navigate the social world of Hogwarts, it's not going to be easy...
Pairing: James Sirius/Scorpius
Disclaimer: All canon characters and places (and anything else you recognise) belong to JK Rowling.
Author's Notes: Special thanks to my wonderful betas Elspeth, Konflickted and estrellaastra for their helpful feedback. Thanks to Capitu for the prompt. I hope it lives up to expectations.
Trigger warnings: anxiety, panic attacks, torture (in flashbacks, not between main pairing)
This was my very first Fest fic, and with a very personal subject too, and it's also the first slash-y fic I've written so be kind when you review...
Since the reveals are now up on hp-mhealthfest on LJ, I can publish this here.
The title is from Alexander Pope's An Essay on Criticism: "For fools rush in where angels fear to tread."
Scorpius Malfoy swallowed nervously as he watched the hustle and bustle of students and parents on platform 9 ¾. He clenched his fists in his pockets and subconsciously stepped closer to his father, who placed a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm so proud to finally see you off to Hogwarts, Scorpius. I can't wait to see you in my House colours. Although it does feel strange, after all these years. Maybe we should have kept you home after all." Scorpius felt a little squeeze in his shoulder and looked up at his father with a smile.
"Stop mollycoddling the boy, Draco, honestly. He's fifteen, it's about time he went to school. Don't slouch, love," his mother said, as she gave him an air kiss and stroked his cheek. "Let's go find you a compartment."
Scorpius nodded, but couldn't find his voice. He was so excited to finally go to the school his parents had been to, but the sheer number of people on the platform made his skin crawl. How will I ever find my way among so many other students? How will I ever make friends? Where is Andrea Zabini? Why isn't Timothy Nott here? I hope they haven't forgotten I'm starting at Hogwarts today. They promised they'd find me. Maybe they just don't want to know me any more, now that they have their school friends to talk to. Or maybe they did forget. It's so busy, there must be hundreds of students. They never told me it was such a big school. Why...
Another squeeze in his shoulder made him look up at his father, who winked at him and said, quietly, "Breathe, Scorpius. It'll be fine."
They found an empty compartment near the back of the train, and after his father had stowed his trunk on the luggage rack, he was ready to say goodbye to his parents. His mother gave him a quick hug. Or maybe not quite ready. It'll be ages before I see her again.
"I'm sure you'll do well, Scorpius, don't worry too much. Just because your father and I were always at the top of our forms doesn't mean we expect the same of you. We know you'll do your best, that's all that matters. We love you very much. Be a dear, and write often, okay?" She smiled at him, and then stepped out of the carriage to give his father a chance to say goodbye.
"You have your emergency Portkey, don't you? I don't think you'll need it, Professor Longbottom was very clear… But just to be safe, you know…" Draco Malfoy hugged his only child close and didn't want to let go.
"I'll be fine, Father," Scorpius whispered, but he held his father's hug until the whistle of the steam engine rang over the platform and the doors started closing.
"I'll see you at Christmas, Father. Goodbye, Mother."
He stepped up to his compartment window and waved at his parents, a smile that didn't reach his eyes plastered on his face, until he could no longer see them.
Then he took a few deep breaths, closed the compartment door and rolled down the blind, and dropped onto a bench. It'll be fine. Surely it'll be fine.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Scorpius had just finished his lunch and vanished the remains when his compartment door slid open, and a tall, lanky boy in black and red robes stood in the doorway. He looked at Scorpius with a confused frown and said, "Hi. Would you mind if I crash here? Every compartment is taken, and this one seems the quietest. I'd like some peace and quiet before we get to Hogwarts." The boy had a mop of wild auburn hair and freckles sprinkled all over his face. His eyes were bright brown, and his grin was so disarming that Scorpius couldn't stop himself from nodding. With a sigh of relief, the boy stepped into the compartment, closed the door behind him and settled on the seat across from Scorpius, who instantly turned away and looked out at the landscape again. He could feel the other boy's eyes on him, his trailing gaze burning all over his body, but he refused to look back.
"I don't think I've seen you before. I'm Jamie. Jamie Potter. And you are?"
Scorpius felt obliged to respond, and he looked at the other boy, who held out his hand to him.
"Scorpius Malfoy," he managed to say, as he shook the boy - Jamie's hand.
"I should have known. Blond hair, grey eyes. I've heard my dad talk about your father a lot." Jamie grinned at him again, but Scorpius looked down at his hands, his cheeks flaming. He'd heard about Harry Potter, of course. And he knew exactly what kind of things that man would have said about his father. The worst thing was that Scorpius couldn't really defend him, because he knew his father had done atrocious things.
"It wasn't all bad, you know. He says your father was a great Quidditch player, and quite ingenious at Charms and Potions."
Scorpius nodded but didn't look up. Why is this boy - Jamie - talking to me, anyway? Why does the first student I meet have to be a Potter, of all people? Why couldn't it have been someone my family didn't have such a history with?
"You're a quiet one, aren't you? What House are you in? Not Gryffindor, that's for sure, I'd know if you were. Slytherin? All Malfoys seem to have been Sorted into Slytherin."
Scorpius felt his blush recede and forced himself to look up again. Jamie Potter was still grinning at him, and this time Scorpius couldn't help smiling back a little. He does seem nice though.
"I'm new," he said. "Not sorted yet."
"Oh, really? Wow, I don't think we've ever had a transfer student before, that's so cool. You'll be sorted with the little ones then? Where did you go before? What year will you be in?"
Scorpius shrugged, feeling a little overwhelmed by Jamie's constant chatter.
"I was home-schooled, I took my O.W.L.s before the Ministry this summer. The Headmaster said I'd be in Sixth."
A flash of something crossed Jamie's face, but Scorpius wasn't sure what it was. That couldn't really be disappointment?
"Sixth? Pity. You'll be one year below me, then," Jamie said, his eyes trailing up and down Scorpius' body again. Scorpius shifted uncomfortably under his gaze, and looked out the window at the passing landscape.
"Well, keep an eye out for Al, he's my brother, he'll be in your year. How many O.W.L.s did you get? What N.E.W.T.s are you taking? Al's such a swot, he and Rosie are always competing. They both had nine O.W.L.s, eight Os and one E, each, and they just couldn't settle between them who had beaten the other." Jamie laughed, and though Scorpius didn't really understand the joke, his mouth twitched into a smile.
"Do you play Quidditch? I'm a Chaser, like my mum, and Quidditch Captain of the Gryffindor team. We've won the Cup for the past three years, much to Al's frustration. He's such a bad loser."
Scorpius listened as the other boy kept talking about Quidditch, his family, his brother and sister. He'd never met any of them, but Jamie's descriptions were so vivid that he almost felt as though he knew them already. He didn't say anything, he didn't have much to contribute, anyway, but he let Jamie's voice wash over him, and sometimes glanced at him from the corner of his eye, and for the first time in weeks, he felt like Hogwarts might not be so bad after all. He didn't even notice when three sleepless nights, aided by the steady swaying of the train, finally caught up with him.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"Hey, Scorpius, you'd better change into your school robes, you know. We're nearly there."
Scorpius startled awake and flushed bright red when he realised he'd fallen asleep while Jamie was talking to him.
"I'm sorry, so sorry, so rude, I didn't… I mean…" Scorpius stuttered.
"No worries, it's a long trip, I always get drowsy on the train too. Besides, you're pretty cute when you're sleeping," Jamie said, with a wink. "Go on, change, we have about fifteen minutes left."
Scorpius was sure he couldn't possibly turn a deeper shade of red, and got up quickly, turning his back on his companion. He rummaged through his satchel and took his black Hogwarts robes out, and began to unbutton his own day robes.
"Do you mind? I really should change," he muttered, his fingers rubbing over the scars that had started itching.
"I don't mind at all," he heard Jamie say, and when he looked over his shoulder, the boy was grinning at him.
Scorpius snapped his head back forwards. He didn't usually change with anyone else in the room. He knew he'd have a dorm now, and that he'd have to share bathrooms with other boys as well, but he really, really didn't feel comfortable taking his robe off with Jamie looking on. His scars still itched. The other boy must have seen something in his stance or the stiffness of his shoulders that betrayed his discomfort, because he got up and brushed past Scorpius - was that a hand on my back? - saying, "I'll just be outside. Take your time." And then the door clicked open and shut, and he was alone.
When the train finally stopped, Scorpius was dressed in his Hogwarts robes, and was slowly taking deep breaths to keep a panic attack at bay. Three counts in. Three counts out. This is it. This is school. Hundreds of students and dozens of teachers. Three counts in. Three counts out. This will be… hell. It will be hell. I'll never fit in. Who starts school only in their Sixth year? Why didn't I insist on more home-schooling for my N.E.W.T.s? Just because my parents moved back to the UK didn't mean I couldn't go on like before, with private tutors and exams in front of a Ministry commission. Why oh why did I…
"Ready?"
Jamie's cheerful voice cut through his thoughts and brought him back from the edge. He turned towards the door and aimed for a chipper look, but somehow he must have missed the mark, because Jamie's smile dimmed, just a little.
"Nervous? Don't worry, you'll be fine. The Sorting will be over before you know it. Come on, we should try to snag a carriage before we're left at the station."
Scorpius let himself be grabbed by the arm and dragged out of the train onto the platform. At the very end was a giant of a man, yelling "Firs' years this way! Firs' years! Come along, firs' years here! Hello Lily, you've grown over the summer! Firs' years! Oy, Fred, Hugo, no running, yer gonna scare the Thestrals. Firs' years! Hello Al, Rosie! See you Sunday for tea?"
"That's Hagrid," Jamie whispered in Scorpius' ear, his breath ghosting over his cheek and sending shivers down his spine. "He takes the first years to Hogwarts in boats. But the older students get to take a carriage." He pointed at the carriages, drawn by ugly black horse-like beasts. "Come on, Scorpius. Let's go."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Scorpius dug his fingers into his thighs and tried to count his breath. Jamie had all but dragged him into one of the carriages and kept trying to make conversation during the ride, but he had been too caught up by the view of Hogwarts to say much in return. The castle was huge. He'd known, on some level, that it would be. There were close to a thousand students, all of whom needed accommodation and class rooms. But still, seeing the enormous building for the first time had left him breathless. It looked warm and welcoming, the windows lit and towers silhouetted against the evening sky. Then it turned into something more threatening. Huge. A place to get lost. I'm never going to find my way around.
The thought kept running through his mind until the carriage came to a stop in front of the entrance, where a dainty witch with long black hair and brilliant blue eyes welcomed them.
"James Potter. And here I'd hoped I'd be spared your presence this year," she said in a lilting voice, ticking off his name on a long list.
"Professor Miracle, you wound me. I only came back to see your charming smile again," Jamie said, with an exaggerated bow in her direction.
"I do hope you realise you're a seventh-year now, you scoundrel, and that you will be expected to behave accordingly." The Professor gave him a stern look, but there was a twinkle in her eye that betrayed her amusement.
"I would hate to disappoint you," Jamie grinned. Scorpius watched the exchange with wide eyes.
"And you must be Scorpius Malfoy," Professor Miracle said, turning to him. "Welcome to Hogwarts. I'm Tamsyn Miracle, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and Head of Ravenclaw House. The Headmaster informed me you were joining us this year. I'm looking forward to having you in my classes. Please wait in that room over there for the first-years, who will be arriving shortly. You still have to be Sorted, after all. Mr. Potter, please proceed to the Great Hall, where the Welcome Feast will begin shortly."
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It was sheer torture to be guided into the Great Hall with all the first-years, conspicuously towering over the tiny eleven-year olds. He could feel the eyes of every single person in the room on him, curious, judging, dismissing. He focused on the dais, where the teachers were sitting at a long table, and didn't allow himself to even scan the crowds for the few faces he knew.
The whispers, the stares, the laughter… Scorpius clenched his jaw and lifted his head a little higher, his hands firmly clasped together behind his back to stop them from shaking. He was so concentrated on hiding his nerves before these strangers, hundreds of strangers staring at him, that he hardly noticed Professor Miracle bringing out a little stool with an old, battered Wizard's hat on it. He didn't listen to the Hat's song, and he stared unseeing into the distance while one first-year after another was called to be Sorted.
The whispers, the stares, the laughter, the scowls that were sent in his direction made his chest tighten. By the time the last first-year was called, he could barely breathe.
"And we also have a new student in the Sixth year. Scorpius Malfoy."
Scorpius' eyes snapped to the person who had called out his name, and Professor Miracle smiled at him, and gestured to the stool.
He walked stiffly towards it and awkwardly lowered himself on it. It was too low for him, of course. It had been designed for first-years. He had to beat down the blush that threatened to overtake him, and before he was forced to actually face the students in the hall, the Hat was placed over his head, obscuring his view. A tiny voice started speaking in his ear.
"A Malfoy? I expected you some years ago. Strange, that. Didn't even take a second to decide where to put your father, but you… hmmmm… Interesting."
Slytherin, please, Slytherin. I have to be in Slytherin. My whole family was in Slytherin, please, please put me in Slytherin.
"Slytherin? Hmmm. I don't think you'd be well placed there. No… Let me see."
No, no, you must put me in Slytherin. My parents were in Slytherin. My grandparents were in Slytherin. I have to be in Slytherin.
"No, Slytherin is not your destiny. Very loyal, I can see that, and so keen on learning. Hmmm…."
Gryffindor, then. Put me in Gryffindor. Jamie's in Gryffindor. He seemed nice.
"Gryffindor? Hmmm. I do see plenty of courage, dear boy. You might do well there, but it's not where your talents lie. No, I think you'll be best off in.."
And then the Hat yelled into the Great Hall, "Ravenclaw!"
Scorpius paled. Father will be so disappointed in me. I'm not in Slytherin. I'll never wear his House colours. He'll never forgive me.
He sat frozen on the little stool until Professor Miracle took the Hat off his head and gently pushed his shoulder to get him to move. He walked over to the blue-and-bronze table in a daze, with measured, stiff steps and deliberately slow breaths. He would have walked past it and out of the Great Hall if someone hadn't tugged him onto the bench and made him sit down.
"Hi, I'm Albus," said the dark-haired boy who'd pulled his arm with a smile. "I believe my brother James spent most of the train ride hiding from his girlfriend in your compartment? That's my cousin Rose." He indicated the curly-haired witch sitting across from them. Scorpius barely managed to nod at her. Why did the idea that Jamie had a girlfriend make him feel so nauseous? Of course he has a girlfriend. Of course someone as gorgeous and kind as Jamie wouldn't be interested in me. You're an idiot, Scorpius. A Ravenclaw idiot to boot. Father's never going to forgive me. Mother's never speaking to me again. Grandfather will be turning around in his grave. How will I ever face them again?
"So how come.."
"Hush, Al. The Headmaster is going to speak," Rose hissed at her cousin, turning her attention to Professor Longbottom without even acknowledging Scorpius. She doesn't like me. Maybe Al's only being nice to me because his brother was. None of the others are even smiling. None of them like me. They'll certainly hate me once they know about my father and grandfather. It was a mistake to come here. I should've stayed home. Why didn't I protest? What…
There was a loud applause after the Headmaster's speech, and the food appeared on the table in front of him. Scorpius felt his stomach flip as the different smells assaulted him, and swallowed nervously. He spooned some roast chicken and mashed potatoes on his plate but didn't eat.
"So," Albus resumed, "how come you're only joining us in sixth year? Where did you go before?"
"I was home-schooled," Scorpius said.
"How did you get your O.W.L.s, then?"
"At the Ministry."
"I read in the newspaper that your family lived abroad and only moved back over the summer because your grandfather was dying," Rose said snippily. "So where did you live before? Why didn't you go to school there?"
"We lived in Argentina. My parents decided that home-schooling would be better. You're very nosy."
"You're not very talkative."
Scorpius stared at her, not sure how to handle the girl.
"Oh, lay off him, Rosie. Honestly. Say, did your father ever find out about that broom you nicked from his shed last weekend?"
The conversations around Scorpius flowed back and forth, and most people ignored him. Some pointed. Some stared. Some whispered loudly about arrogant Death Eaters. Scorpius couldn't bring himself to eat, he just moved his food around and cut it into tinier and tinier pieces until it vanished and everyone started making their way to their common rooms.
On their way up the stairs, James Potter tapped him on the shoulder and smiled at him.
"Congrats on being sorted into Ravenclaw. Let me know if my idiot brother gives you any grief, yeah?" And he was gone again, yelling for someone named Grace. Scorpius didn't even have the time to say something back before he disappeared.
He followed his fellow Ravenclaws to the entrance of their tower and pretended to listen to the riddle and think about an answer until the door finally opened and they were let into the common room. Someone was prattling on about curfew and House rules, but Scorpius just couldn't pay attention to anything that was said. Too many people. I need to get out out out out out.
He tried to take deep breaths, tried to make his hands stop shaking, tried to keep a smile on his face, but it was too much, too much. Scorpius' eyes darted around the room. All those doors, different stairs, I'll never find my way around, all looks the same, too many people, too much, too much…
Someone poked him and startled him out of his thoughts.
"Hey, do you want to go up and have a look at our dorm? You're probably up with us, there were only four of us in our room before, and every other room has five kids." Albus Potter smiled at him, rubbing his sleeve over his gleaming Prefect badge.
Scorpius nodded, and focused his gaze to the door Albus pointed at.
"We're at the top of the West staircase. It's a long way up but we do have the best view of the entire castle."
"Hey Potter, where are you going? Curfew isn't for hours yet."
"Just showing the newbie to his room. I'll be right back, guys."
Scorpius moved mechanically, no longer listening to whatever Albus was saying. Out out out out out. He reached the top of the stairs and saw the door to his dormitory, his name among the five on the plaque next to it. When he pushed the door open, he recognised his trunk immediately.
He all but ran towards his bed, sat down on top of the mattress, swished his wand to close and lock his curtains and cast a silencing charm. Then his wand dropped out of his hand, he pulled his knees to his chest and knotted his fingers in his hair and he screamed and screamed and screamed until his voice was gone and his skin stopped crawling and he could do nothing but stare into nothingness.
He didn't know how long it took before he could move again. He felt around for his wand and carefully lifted the silencing charm, hoping the other guys in the room would either be asleep or gone, but they were talking.
"Just leave him alone, Al, he's not worth it."
"Seriously, I don't know why you bother. It's like he couldn't get away from us fast enough."
"Not good enough for the likes of a Malfoy, I say. Did you see how arrogant he was? His nose couldn't have been higher up in the air."
"Dunno, guys, Jamie said he seemed quite nice."
"Yeah, well, James Potter's always had a thing for blonds. Remember Lucas Boot?"
There was laughter.
"How'd James know if he was nice?"
"Seems he spent most of the trip hiding from Emily in Malfoy's compartment. Girl didn't take the it's-not-you-it's-me talk well."
"Stupid of him to do that on the train, 'course he couldn't get away."
"Still, let's give Malfoy a chance, yeah? It's his first time at a school, I can't imagine it's easy being the new guy, when we all have been here for five years already."
"You're such a bleeding heart, Potter. How you ended up here instead of Hufflepuff I'll never know."
"Take that back!"
"Oy, that's my pillow, you wanker! If you're gonna start a pillow fight, at least use your own!"
"Seriously, Potter, if that's how Prefects behave these days…"
Scorpius listened to their easy banter, the laughter and shrieks and the soft thuds of a pillow fight. He had never felt so alone in his life.
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"Oy, that's my tie, you prick! Gimme that!"
"What classes do you think we'll start with today? Should I just take all the books?"
"Potter, if you spend five more minutes in that bathroom I'm breaking the fucking door down."
"You're not seriously thinking about taking all your books down for the first day?"
"Hurry up, I don't want to miss breakfast!"
"But I don't want to run up all these flights of stairs again on a full stomach!"
"Fine, you bunch of prats, I'm out, ready to go?"
"Oh for Merlin's sake, as if you're not used to all these stairs after five years in this dump."
"What about Newbie?"
"Oy, Malfoy, get up, you lazy sod, they don't do breakfast in bed here, you know."
Scorpius figured he really had to face his dorm mates, but it still took him a long time before he could force himself to open his bed curtains. He nodded at the four unfamiliar faces.
"I won't take long, I'll be right down. I can find my way, no need to wait." He avoided eye contact and started rummaging through his trunk to take out his toiletries and a fresh uniform before disappearing into the bathroom. His black robes had somehow received the Ravenclaw insignia overnight.
When he came out again, feeling strangely refreshed, he found Albus Potter waiting for him.
"I thought you'd gone."
Potter shrugged. "No, I decided to wait. It's my duty as a Prefect to make sure new students settle in and all that jazz." He smiled, but Scorpius couldn't return the smile. Of course he didn't really want to wait, he just has to as a Prefect, not like he really cares. Probably makes him look bad if the newbie doesn't make it to class in time.
"I was also a little worried. You just closed yourself off from everyone last night. Are you okay? I know school can be a little overwhelming."
Scorpius studied Albus' face, and decided he was sincere. Probably. Maybe.
"I'm not used to large crowds. I needed some time alone." He grabbed his school bag from his trunk and checked it for parchment, quills and ink.
"Okay. Remind me to show you some quiet places later, it can be a bit of a challenge to find a place for yourself around the castle."
Albus waited patiently until Scorpius was ready.
"Breakfast then?"
Albus nodded and lead the way down the stairs, through the common room and down the hallways of the castle towards the Great Hall, all the while trying to keep up a conversation.
"So, looking forward to your first day, then?"
Scorpius forced a smile.
"I'm not sure what to expect."
"Don't worry too much about it. You'll see how everything works soon enough, and if you have any questions, just ask me, or Rose. We're the sixth year Prefects for Ravenclaw. So how do you like living in England again?"
Scorpius blinked at the change of subject.
"I haven't really had time to get used to it yet. It's very different from Argentina."
"Didn't you used to live here?"
"I don't really remember much, we moved when I was five."
"Oh. Why?"
Scorpius' jaw clenched, and his smile became even more strained. His fingernails bit into the palm of his hand as he tried to stave off the nightmarish flashbacks of the attack that had made his parents decide to leave the country. Calm down calm down calm down.
"My parents decided it would be better to live in Argentina." He was glad his voice didn't quiver. Much.
"Did you really move back for your grandfather?" Albus ducked behind a tapestry and down a dusty corridor that led straight from the third to the ground floor. Scorpius didn't want to think about his grandfather. He'd loved and hated the man in equal measure ever since he was old enough to understand about the War.
"Do you always ask so many questions?" he snapped.
Albus stopped and turned to Scorpius, who was just a few paces behind, a sheepish smile on his face.
"Sorry. You're the new kid, you know, and a Malfoy to boot. That's almost like meeting a Crumple-Horned Snorkack, if you've grown up in my family. I've heard so many stories about them, but never seen one in real life." He held out his hand. "I do hope we'll get along better than our fathers, though."
Scorpius stared at the hand, then at Albus Potter, who was patiently waiting for his reaction. He remembered how his father had sat him down, early last summer before they moved back to England, and told him all about his run-ins with Harry Potter at school, and his role in the War, and how he'd have to do everything possible to avoid history repeating itself.
"I'd like that," Scorpius said sincerely, shaking Albus' hand.
They neared the Great Hall now, and Scorpius could make out the din of hundreds of students eating and chatting. His footsteps slowed involuntarily, and he looked at the closed doors with apprehension. He didn't even notice he'd come to a full stop until Albus took his arm and guided him away from those massive, looming doors.
"I promised to show you some quiet spots. Let's start now. We'll have breakfast in the kitchen. It may not be quiet as such, what with all the house elves scurrying around, but it's always good to know where you can go for food, and not that many students go there during mealtimes."
Scorpius wasn't sure if his sigh of relief was audible, but the gentle squeeze in his arm suggested it might have been. He was both mortified and grateful that Albus seemed to have seen his reluctance to face the Great Hall, but he wasn't allowed to dwell on his those conflicted feelings. Albus Potter had his brother's tendency to talk people's ears off, when he felt like it, and he distracted Scorpius from his thoughts long enough to have a leisurely breakfast, without those stomach-churning nerves cropping up again.
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Scorpius leaned his head into the bookshelves and crumpled his mother's letter in his hands. The owl had found him when Albus took him outside to show him the Quidditch pitch before dinner, and he'd excused himself, glad to finally have some time to himself after such a long day among other people. His schedule was the same as Albus', and the boy hadn't left his side during lessons all day. It was nice not to have to face his classes and other students on his own, but also stifling, so he'd run off as soon as he had an excuse. Nobody would come into the library on a Friday evening, certainly not on the first day of school. It was so peaceful and quiet after hours and hours of classes and people and noise. The whispers and the staring. Being called to the front of the class every single time to introduce himself and discuss his O.W.L results with the teachers. It had been so exhausting to keep smiling, to be polite, to act normal when all he wanted to do was keep his head down and blend in with the other students.
"Scorpius?"
His head shot up.
"Scorpius?"
That was James' voice. Scorpius swallowed and banished the disillusionment charm he'd cast on himself.
"Oh, there you are."
James walked up to him and sat down across from him, his back against the opposite bookshelves and his legs stretched out next to Scorpius. He shot the boy a grin and his foot nudged Scorpius' thigh.
"So, how was your first day?"
Scorpius shrugged, his hands smoothing out his mother's letter before crumpling it again in annoyance.
"Lots of things to get used to. It was alright, I suppose."
"Everything okay? You weren't at dinner and I don't think I saw you at lunch either."
"Your brother showed me the kitchen, I had lunch there. I didn't realise dinner's over already. I came here just to answer a letter but…" Scorpius' voice trailed off as he looked down at the letter again. Then he blinked and looked back up at James.
"How do you know I wasn't at lunch or dinner? Keeping track of me?" Scorpius bit his lip in annoyance.
James flushed bright red.
"No, I just… I mean… My brother said…"
Scorpius arched an eyebrow at him. James pressed his lips together and then let out a sigh.
"Fine. I wanted to talk to you and see how your day was going and if my brother was behaving, so I kept looking out for you but I didn't see you."
His face was still bright red, but there was a determined glint in his eyes. He wasn't going to back down.
"How did you find me here?"
"Family secret," James said with a wide grin. "Maybe I'll tell you some other day."
Scorpius looked away again, smoothing the letter out and crumpling it up without realising what he was doing. That boy was so confusing.
"You'll rip it if you're not careful."
"What?"
"That paper. You'll rip it if you're not careful."
Scorpius shrugged.
"Just my mother's letter. I'm not sure how to answer her."
They were quiet for a long time, Scorpius lost in thoughts and unaware of James' contemplating stare.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Scorpius focused on James again. "About what?"
"Whatever it is that's on your mind. Maybe you'll feel better when you talk."
But Scorpius shook his head and gritted his teeth before James had even finished speaking. He couldn't really tell anyone about how out of place he felt at Hogwarts, and how wrong it felt to be in Ravenclaw. How disappointed his parents would be when they found out. Sweet Morgana. How can I ever tell them? They'll never want to see me again. Gran will be so unhappy. Father will be so disappointed. He told me he wanted to see me in his House colours and now I'll never wear them. I'm such a disgrace. A failure.
He hadn't noticed how his throat tightened and his breathing accelerated until he felt a hand on his arm and a voice nearby cut through the sound of blood rushing through his ears.
"Breathe slowly. In for five counts, out for five counts." And Scorpius focused on Jamie's face, suddenly very close, and dutifully tried to breathe in and out slowly, while James counted under his breath.
"I'm sorry," Scorpius said, when he felt calm again. He was mortified that James had seen him in such a state. But, just like his brother earlier, he didn't comment, just sat back to lean against his bookshelves once more.
"Nothing to be sorry for."
He didn't return James' smile.
"Did you hear about Peeves being chased down the Astronomy Tower by the Bloody Baron earlier?"
Scorpius frowned, a little confused by the abrupt topic change, and shook his head. James chuckled and launched into the story, describing how Peeves had snuck into the Astronomy professor's office and messed up all of her star charts and models. Soon Scorpius was laughing along with James, especially when he started imitating the Poltergeist's reaction to the Bloody Baron suddenly popping up out of nowhere in the mess.
James glanced at his watch and his smile fell. "It's almost curfew now, we should probably go back to our dorms. Want me to walk you to Ravenclaw Tower?"
Scorpius nodded.
They left the library and walked towards the entrance to Ravenclaw tower in silence. Scorpius shuffled on his feet when they arrived at the Eagle knocker.
"Thanks. For what you did earlier."
"No worries. Any plans for tomorrow?"
"Dunno. I'll try to find Tim and Andy, I guess, I haven't actually seen them since I arrived here."
"Friends of yours?"
"Yeah, Tim Nott and Andrea Zabini. They're Slytherins."
"Oh, yes, Nott's on the Quidditch team. Excellent Keeper, unfortunately. Well, see you around, Scorpius."
"Yeah, see you."
He watched James saunter off and turn the corner, with a smile that just wouldn't go away. Maybe Hogwarts wouldn't be so bad after all.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"You're a really good flyer."
Scorpius grinned at Albus and turned his broom around.
"I love flying. Always have. Father and I used to have races all the time in Argentina. He sometimes even weaseled his way out of important meetings early, just so we could fly together. Mother would kill him if she knew, of course."
"I hope you'll try out for Quidditch, we could use a couple of good Chasers."
Scorpius shook his head, his smile dimming somewhat.
"I don't think that would work out very well. But thank you, it means a lot that you say that."
Albus shrugged. "Better not let Wood see you flying then, he'd never leave you alone. Race you to the Quidditch pitch?"
"You're on, Potter."
And off they were again. Albus beat him this time, but he enjoyed the race anyway. They landed on the Quidditch pitch, where other students had gathered for an impromptu game. Albus walked over to their dorm mates, and Scorpius made to follow him, but someone grabbed his arm.
"Scorp! There you are! Haven't seen you in ages!" Andrea Zabini clapped his back affectionately.
"So, a swotty Ravenclaw, eh? What did Aunt Astoria have to say about that?" Tim Nott grinned at him.
"Haven't had time to write yet."
"So, having fun? I heard you've already made friends with the Potters? Best move you could've made, Scorp, they just about rule the place. Better keep in their good graces, is what I say."
Scorpius frowned at his cousin. He hadn't made friends with the Potters as a political move, but he knew they wouldn't believe that.
"So what's the Ravenclaw common room like?"
They fell into an easy conversation, and Scorpius relaxed with his friends around. He'd known Andrea and Tim since he was a baby, and having them around made him feel less self-conscious. Until someone roughly shoved past him, making him stumble into Andrea. He turned around, annoyed.
"Watch where you're going, for Salazar's sake."
The boy whirled back, his wand out before Scorpius could react.
"Say that again, Death Eater."
Death Eater. Doesn't deserve to live.
"I'm not a Death Eater." Scorpius balled his fists.
"Just because you somehow tricked the Hat into putting you in Ravenclaw doesn't make you any less scum, Malfoy."
Scum. Scum. Death Eater spawn. Who cares? You think he'd like Crucio as much as his daddy did?
"I'm. Not. A. Death. Eater," Scorpius said through gritted teeth. His hands tightened to stop the trembling. He tried to push the memories away.
"Oh no? Then why are you talking to those Slytherins when you can't even be bothered to talk to those from your own House? Not good enough for you, Malfoy? Too much dirty blood among us?" the boy taunted.
Scorpius growled in frustration. "Andrea's my friend and Tim is my cousin. I don't care about blood status. What the hell is your problem? I've never even met you before."
"My problem?" The boy laughed cruelly. "My mum's whole family was killed by your father's friends. Do you think you can just swan in here and pretend like the War didn't happen? Do you think we've forgotten it was your father who let the Death Eaters into Hogwarts? Do you think we've forgotten that it was your grandfather who tortured and killed Muggleborns for sport, and got away with it without even going to Azkaban? You don't belong here, Death Eater, and I'll make sure you'll remember it."
"I. Am. Not. A. Death. Eater." Scorpius' fingers and mouth started tingling. He knew what that meant. He pressed his lips together and every muscle in his body tensed up. Not here, not now, pull yourself together.
"What is going on here? MacMillan?" Albus Potter elbowed his way through the people who had started crowding around them.
"I was just telling the scumbag here he had to keep out of my way."
Albus Potter looked at Scorpius and the two Slytherins beside him, cocking one eyebrow in question.
"He bumped into Scorpius and then started yelling at him for no reason," said Andrea, his wand firmly in his hand. Scorpius didn't speak. Get out get out get out get out. He couldn't. Don't cry not here get out get out. He pressed his fingernails harder into the palm of his hand, but it didn't stop the memories assaulting him. Pain and blood get out get out. He turned on his heel and walked away stiffly, not knowing where to, only conscious that he had to leave, right now. His breath became quicker and shallower and his eyes started tearing up. He broke into a run before anyone could stop him.
Hundreds of needles stabbing into him at once. Get out get out get out get out. His muscles twisting and contracting and stretching beyond pain. Get out get out get out get out get out. Knife slicing his torso slowly and painfully once, then twice, then again and again and again and get out get out get out get out get out get out. Kill the death eater spawn. Doesn't deserve to live. Let Malfoy watch what we do to his precious boy. Pain, pain, so much pain. Warm, sticky blood everywhere. The taste of metal and mud. Screaming and screaming and screaming.
"SCORPIUS!"
Scorpius! No, leave him alone, please, he's only a boy, he has nothing to do with this! Scorpius!
"SCORPIUS! You're safe, it's all in your head, come on, listen to me, Scorpius."
Pain, pain, everywhere, pain, stop please stop please please please stop.
"Scorpius, it's Jamie, I'm here, you're safe, whatever it is you're seeing, it's in your head, come on, come out of there, you're safe, I'm here. Open your eyes, Scorpius, look at me, you're safe."
Jamie? Jamie isn't supposed to be here.
Scorpius blinked, and his eyes focused on Jamie's face.
"Can you see me, Scorpius? I'm right here, you're safe, you really are, nobody is going to hurt you. I'm right here with you. Scorpius, can you nod if you can hear me?"
Scorpius nodded jerkily, just once, and opened his lips to speak, but no sound came out.
"Okay, good. I'm going to sit right here in front of you so you can see me. You don't have to say anything. You're not alone. I'm going to conjure a blanket and put it around you, is that okay?"
Knife slicing along his back slowly and pain pain so much pain can't scream any more too much too much. Something warm and soft around his shoulders. Laughter ringing why are they laughing pain so much pain please help.
"Scorpius?"
Jamie Jamie Jamie get me out of here please help me help me help me.
"Do you want something to drink? Do you want a mint? Oh bollocks, don't have any on me, they always work for my aunt. What else can help you get past this? Maybe hold my hand?"
Scorpius nodded abruptly, his gaze sharpening momentarily before he was lost to the images in his mind again. Then a warm hand closed over his and jolted him out of his memories.
It took a long time before Scorpius realised that Jamie had just kept talking, saying the most inane nonsense, adjusting the blanket around his shoulders, holding his hand and squeezing it now and then. Eventually the tears stopped, his breathing became more even and he huddled deeper into the blanket, avoiding Jamie's gaze.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Scorpius shook his head fiercely.
"I understand, you know. Panic attacks. I've seen them happen all my life. It might help if you talk about it. But if you don't want to, I'll just sit here with you until you're ready to go back to the castle."
It was only then that Scorpius realised they were surrounded by trees and shrubbery.
"Where are we?" His voice sounded ragged, as if he'd been screaming his lungs out for hours. Merlin, I hope not.
"You ran into the Forbidden Forest. Took me ages to find you. You just sat here, rocking and shivering and crying. I couldn't get through to you, but I knew I couldn't just pick you up and take you back. Most people don't take kindly to being touched when they're in the middle of a panic attack. And using magic could make your magic lash out. So I talked to you until you reacted and tried to get you out of it." Scorpius became conscious that he was still holding Jamie's hand, but he was unwilling to let go just yet.
"How did you know what to do?"
Scorpius blinked in surprise when Jamie laughed bitterly at his question. He moved to sit beside Scorpius, leaning against the trunk of a tree.
"We often refer to ourselves as the children of the war, the Weasley-Potter kids. We may not have fought, Scorpius, but we're all dealing with the aftermath. Did you think being the children of the War Heros was all fun and games? Sure, it has its perks, being famous and all that. But our parents, they fought a monster. They experienced and saw the most horrible things. They didn't come out unscathed. Aunt Hermione still has panic attacks. I've known what to do when she has one since I was six years old. Dad, he gets these moods sometimes, and he goes away for a few days, usually to Grimmauld Place to destroy everything in sight. Uncle George, he's constantly battling depression. Some days he's absolutely fine. Sometimes he just sits and stares at nothing for days, weeks even. He still misses his twin. No matter how many years have passed, at times it crops up, and they all break down and we just tiptoe around until it's over. I'm sure you have a similar experience with your father. He was in the thick of it, too, after all. Maybe we're not all that different."
Scorpius scoffed. "But you never got attacked for your father's role in the war." The words had left his mouth before his brain could catch up and stop them. He hesitated, then leaned against Jamie. Safe. "That's why we moved, you know. Father and I were attacked in Diagon Alley when I was five. They kidnapped us and tortured me in front of him. I can't… I can't remember how we got out. They say the Aurors found us just in time."
Jamie sucked in a surprised breath. "I'm sorry."
Scorpius let out a bitter laugh. "Yeah, well, that's life for the son of a Death Eater. I haven't been good with new situations ever since then, you know. I hate it when I have to talk to new people. Maybe that boy was right, though. I shouldn't have come here."
Jamie squeezed Scorpius' hand. "No. He's wrong. Our parents didn't fight just to have more prejudice and hatred in the world. You shouldn't walk away."
Scorpius took a deep breath, and thought about Jamie' words for a long time. "It's just so hard," he muttered at last.
"I know. Aunt Hermione always said nothing worth doing is easy. And I think it would be worth staying. Not to show those idiots that they're wrong, although I guess that's a perk. But… Not everyone thinks like MacMillan, you know. And you can only find that out for yourself if you stay."
They sat in silence until Jamie started shivering.
"You're cold. We should probably go back." Scorpius made to get up, but Jamie stopped him.
"Only if you're ready to go back. I can stay here a little longer."
Scorpius glanced at Jamie, a smile tugging at his lips.
"You're such a Gryffindor, Potter. Sacrificing yourself for someone else's comfort? Come on, let's get back. I'm ready."
Jamie jumped up and pulled Scorpius to his feet. He kept hold of both of Scorpius' hands.
"And will you stay at Hogwarts?"
Scorpius ducked his head.
"I don't know, Jamie. I don't know if I can take many more days like these."
"They might get better."
"And they might not."
Jamie squeezed his hands, and Scorpius looked back up at him.
"Give it a month. If things really don't get better, at least you've given it a real try."
Scorpius pursed his lips.
"I don't know…"
"The last weekend of September is a Hogsmeade weekend. How about you definitely stay until then, and come to Hogsmeade with me."
Scorpius felt his cheeks heat up. "Why?" He saw one corner of Jamie's mouth turn upwards in a half-smile.
"I kind of like you, Scorpius, and I really want to get to know you better."
Scorpius swallowed. That was unexpectedly direct. He tried to find a retort that wouldn't betray how flustered those words had just made him feel.
"So your trying to convince me to stay is really just selfishness."
Jamie smirked. "There certainly are advantages. So how about it?"
Scorpius squeezed Jamie hands and sent him a teasing smile.
"Sure, I'll go to Hogsmeade with you, James Potter. But you better not take me to that Puddifoot place. Father told me all about it and I don't want to come within a broomstick's length of it."
Jamie laughed, turned around and started to walk towards the castle grounds. He kept hold of one of Scorpius' hands, entwining their fingers, and Scorpius found he didn't mind at all.
This was intended as a one-shot but I think I may write a bit more about these boys. I'm rather curious to see how it all pans out. However there is no update schedule so it may be a while before I get there. If you have any scenes you'd like to see, leave a review or send me a PM, here or on tumblr (where you can find me as ladyleanam)!